Stupid Things
By Sweetprincipale
Completely AU. There are people who get inside you. That you love, that you get angry with, but they're still your person. The person who, no matter what they ask, and how much you say no, you will end up doing anything for them. Buffy and William have that kind of relationship as they grow up. Is there anything that can change it?
Author's Note: This story is told in a series of moments, sometimes minutes apart, sometimes months apart. Page breaks denote the shift in time.
Dedicated to Illusera, Tesslouise, Omslagspapper, JM89, AGriffinWriter, Rihannon, Jhiz, The Darkness Befalls, TieDyeJackson, Sirius120, Ginar369, micmoc, Rosalea12, and Neko-Youkai.
Nothing of Buffy belongs to me, except my sincere admiration. However, this story is all mine.
Part IV
It was going to be the best summer of their lives. Post- giant snake killing and school blowing up, that is.
"Your eyebrows are finally back!" Willow joyously announced when Buffy opened the door.
"Yep. How are Oz's?" Buffy laughed as she welcomed her friends into the house.
"They're coming more slowly. He doesn't have Slayer mojo. I tried to do a spell for them, but all it did was cause mega beard growth."
"You like him furry." Buffy winked, and Willow blushed at the werewolf joke.
"Yeah, well- you like them cold." She tried to tease back. Then looked utterly and completely mortified. "I didn't mean that. I m-meant- I was making a- I have to go."
"Wills! Stay." Buffy caught her hand to prevent her from fleeing. "Good one." She whispered and tried to keep sudden tears from falling.
Willow had empathetic tear ducts, which immediately made her wide eyes glossy. "Did you- hear anything?"
Buffy shook her head, and tried to shrug it off. "He said he wouldn't say goodbye. Too hard to... say goodbye." But friends would do that, wouldn't they? I think William is right. Angel and I will always be something, but I don't think it'll be friends. "So- um." She cleared her throat. "Did you bring the hot dogs you wanted?"
"All beef kosher." Willow held up her shopping bag.
" 'Cause the only pork this witch'll take is from the wolf." William slid into the open door behind the two girls. "Hi, Red." He kissed her cheek as she slapped at his, blushing, mainly because he was right.
"You are so crude. You will not be given marshmallows for toasting." Buffy chided him and shut the door after her second guest.
"That's just mean." William gave her a pout, but changed it to a smirk as he winked at Willow. "I like her dark side, y'see. Not everyone's best friend looks so hot blowin' up a building." Willow laughed and Buffy hid a smile.
"Uh- that'd be your uncle." Buffy stuck out her tongue, but didn't mind the flirting. "I was just the ringleader, he was the explosives guy. And speaking of mild-mannered men with an unsettling knowledge of detonations, where is Watcher-mine? He could have come to our 'Hurray we didn't die' party."
"Shipping his replacement off to a three week retreat in the Cotswolds with green envy in his veins."
"Most people would just say 'at the airport'." Buffy teased.
Willow gave him a slightly gooey look. "I like when he gets all poet-y. Oz isn't very big on the verbal."
"That's 'cause he's a man of few words and a cunning mind." William smiled in reference to his bandmate and good friend.
"True."
"Hey, where is Oz?" William looked around.
"Getting sodas. His van needed filling up anyway, so he stopped at the gas station."
"Right, then."
"Speaking of absent people again, why is Giles dropping off Wesley? They can barely stand to be in the same room." Buffy asked Will.
"To make sure he well an' truly goes. He wants you to himself without that prissy ponce interfering."
"Like I ever listen to him anyway." Buffy scoffed and led the trio to the backyard, where she'd set up the grill- or tried to, since she'd never done it without her mom's supervision before. "Besides, when we go to England in July, he'll have a Wesley-free zone. As in Wesley might be there but he won't be in the same part. Right?" She asked with a sudden look of desperation. William laughed, nodded and put down the bag of chips he'd brought.
"I'm so jealous you're going to London for three whole weeks." Willow sighed deeply.
"Twentieth birthday present." Buffy slid her arm around William's waist and laid her head on his chest. "Airfare for three and apparently giving my mom a protest-ectomy. She didn't even hesitate when I asked. She was all- 'Okay, have fun and make sure you stay with Mr. Giles.' You didn't do a spell on her, did you?" She suddenly turned to Willow with a suspicious squint.
"Not guilty!" Willow held up her hands.
"I think she's fueling all her 'I hate that my baby is the Slayer' venom at the new boy." William poured charcoal into the grill and doused it with lighter fluid. "Bertie seems like a sweetheart in comparison, what with not looking down his nose at her and actually 'deigning' to speak to her even though she's only a lowly mum. The git." He snorted at Wesley in absentia.
"Ooh, deigning. Fancy word." Buffy uncovered the plate of beef patties and hovered next to Will.
Willow smiled at the sight. So cute together, and hello, should have been together the whole time. Will wouldn't break her heart, or run off without saying bye, or turn into an evil soulless butthead. "I think it's 'cause your mom totally digs this." She grinned an adorable smile.
"This what?" Buffy asked.
"This!" The redhead gestured to the pair by the grill. "The new all-human, roughly same age bracket, not psycho boyfriend! Plus, sexy accent. Giles' is better, but-"
"We're not- official, yet." Buffy gave her best friend/more than best friend an apologetic glance. "Unless you- I mean, I didn't mean to-"
"You're grinding the already ground beef, Pet." Will nudged her to the side and Buffy stopped anxiously squashing the burgers. "I'm not in a hurry. Got all the time in the world. I didn't exactly like the idea of startin' something new while the King of Pain was in town." Not that he wouldn't have loved to flaunt it to Angel, to shake their happiness in his face and shout from the rooftops that he had been a fool to let go of the greatest treasure ever. He just didn't like the idea of the big ox giving Buffy martyred glances teeming with lost love at every strategy meeting prior to taking down the Mayor.
"I don't want people to think we're a rebound couple. Or the safety couple." Buffy handed him a lighter, and rolled her eyes when he lit up one of his own cigarettes before turning to the grill. "Also, Mom didn't really like the idea of college boy dating high school girl. But for some reason, high school graduate-slash-college enrollee and the big man on campus doesn't even get the arch-y eyebrows."
Will chuckled at her descriptions as he lit a scrap of paper and tossed it onto the lighter fluid soaked coals. Flames shot up and everyone winced away as plumes of fume-laden smoke burst into the air. "What the bloody hell?" He coughed and waved at the smoking barbecue.
"What did you do?" Buffy choked and waved smoke away.
"Me? The English don't grill outdoors, Luv, not if we live in the city." William said between coughing fits. "Bertie never-cooks out- at..." He trailed off in another fit of hacking.
"Whoa. Fire?" Oz had arrived. He sauntered into the backyard, waving at the trio around the rapidly losing control flames, calmly opened the bottle of Sprite under his arm and upended it over the worst of the blazing briquettes. "Sorry. We have root beer and orange left." He peered at the now smoldering, sputtering grill. "Hey, Babe." He tossed Willow a smile and leaned over to kiss her cheek. "How many dogs does everyone want?"
"Mm, my hero." Willow kissed him in return and picked up her package of hot dogs.
"Is it okay?" Buffy joined them over the grill.
"Sure. I guess." Oz shrugged. "I don't really mind if it's not. I kinda like my meat rare these days. Hey, Will, I was-" Oz stopped, head tilting.
William was still coughing hard, though the rest of them had stopped. "Get him a glass of water." Buffy asked Willow and went over to her other best friend. "I told you to stop smoking. Fire bad. That was like the equivalent of one pack." She gestured to the still dissipating plumes in the air and laughed.
William didn't. His coughing didn't stop, it seemed to strangle, turn into a wheeze, and he gave her an odd, panicked look. "Buffy?"
"Something's wrong." Buffy announced aloud, all traces of laughter vanishing. Willow sped into the house and appeared back with an overflowing glass. "Here, drink this."
He gulped, gagged, and shook under a fresh wave of hacking.
"He might have inhaled an irritant. He was closest." Willow grabbed the bleached blonde's arm. "We have to get him to the hospital."
Buffy expected him to protest, wave it off, say he'd be better in a few. When he didn't, her stomach dropped to her knees. "Oz, we're taking your van."
"Good thing I gassed up." He put the lid on the grill and took his friend under his free arm. "C'mon, man. Saving the world party postponed."
"What in the world happened? Did he get burned? Willow said there was an accident with the barbecue." Giles came in flustered and frankly, getting very tired of visiting this particular emergency room.
"He must've inhaled some of the smoke-"
"He smokes! I've warned him against it, but will he listen? No, he has to have this damned rebel incarnate attitude, and-"
"Giles!" Buffy shook his shoulders. "Listen. Will's having trouble breathing. The cough didn't get better, even after we got here. They're talking about putting him on oxygen." She sounded terrified. "They're running tests, and taking chest x-rays."
Giles blinked, his jaw opened, then slowly closed, no words issuing forth.
"Giles?"
"I better go see him." The distracted older man wondered, and gently eased past her. His footsteps seemed very slow, very measured, as he walked away.
"The mechanical man." Buffy rolled her eyes and sat down next to Willow in waiting area.
"Raising repression to an art form." Willow agreed.
Giles didn't hear them. He didn't hear anything.
Oxygen.
Running tests.
A chest x-ray.
The cough that won't completely stop.
This all happened once before. Was it only four years ago?
"But- he's a teenager. He only smoked for a year!"
"It's not a cancer that is from cigarette use, though it hasn't helped." Giles murmured.
"No, no, no. See, he was fine last week!"
"Was he? The symptoms aren't very noticeable. A cough that seems to linger-"
"He always blames the cigarettes."
"Soreness in the chest and back."
"We fight vampires and he hauls fifty pound boxes of books for four hours a day!"
"Out of breath at times."
"No one can keep up with me when I walk, let alone run." Buffy tried to make it go away.
It wouldn't. "I know. All those things hide the symptoms well." Giles whispered.
Buffy pulled her hair from her face and shook her head, hoping the news would magically fall away. It didn't. "When can he come home?"
"He's coming home tonight, Buffy."
"What? If he has- that thing- shouldn't they keep him longer? Shouldn't they get it out?"
"They'll have him back, but he wants to be home." Giles spoke softly and firmly. "He wants to be with us."
"Yeah, okay. And- we can skip London, right? He'll have treatments here? An operation here?" Buffy babbled, pacing. Her Watcher sat holding a styrofoam cup of long-cold, bad to begin with tea. "Giles!"
"Yes. Yes, Buffy, they'll do treatments here."
Buffy almost screamed at him. William was going to be fine, just fine, of course he would, because it was only a little mass. Might not even be cancer. They'd do a biopsy. Might be - nodules or some other gross word that meant bad but not deadly. In the mean time, they should be up and worrying and moving around- doing something, not sitting there, staring at old tea. "What's wrong with you? You- you're not Robot Giles anymore, and this is your only nephew! Aren't you gonna help me panic?" She finally snapped.
Giles looked up at her, eyes glazed with unshed tears. "Oh darling... If I thought panic would help, you would see me running through the streets screaming."
Somehow that was far more jarring than hearing that he was just handling everything with good old fashioned stiff-upper lip.
"Wh-why are you... I mean... he's only nineteen. He's not even twenty." A single tear rolled down her tan cheek.
"I know, dear. That's why." He held out an arm, and she fell into it.
"It's fucked up bullshit bloody fucking nonsense." William took his rage out on the stuffed dummy his uncle kept for Buffy's training. She sat behind him, and just kept handing him the stakes as he broke them off savagely in its woolen chest.
She watched him. Shirtless. Muscles were hard, chest was tight and defined, not bony.
He's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. She loved him so much right then that she couldn't even make words to explain it. She just nodded and reached into her bag.
William stopped, breathing hard, reaching back for the next weapon. "Hey."
"What?" Buffy asked, trying to sound normal.
"This is Mr. Pointy."
"Oh. Yeah." She watched him try to hand it back. "You can use him."
"No! He's for real vamps, not the training dummy." This was the first stake she ever carved herself, and it was her favorite. He'd watched her make it, not smooth and even like the rest, crooked and wickedly sharp. Should break, but never did. Bloody thing had survived a lot of battles, and it was her ultimate backup, her most trusted, never-fail, last resort weapon.
She passed it to him without a second's thought. "That's okay, keep it. Sir Puffy has it coming."
"Buffy, I don't need it. Doc said- no 'strenuous' activity." He gave a bitter smile as he tried to return it.
"Well, it's not vamp season, so, no big. You'll be better by fall."
"We don't lie."
It was so blunt, like a slap to her face.
"Well, we don't give up either." She rose and tucked the stake firmly into his belt, hand resting on a narrow, muscular hipbone as they revealed themselves under sliding down black denim. "I'm not giving up. I don't care if they say-"
"That it's inoperable? Genetically predisposed? Hereditary traits getting stronger each generation? Gran in her fifties, mum in her thirties, me- almost made it twenty?" The dark fire was in his eyes, black and ugly.
She should have recoiled, shied away from it, and instead- she kissed him like she'd never kissed him, or anyone, before. Something inside her seemed to like a glimpse of something in him, dangerous and restless - calling to something dangerous and restless in her.
Will's head spun. This was how he had wanted it for so long- for her to feel that sense of desperation and longing he had around her. And she's kissing me like that 'cause I'm dyin'. He stopped it, licking his lips to soak in the taste of her. "Sweetheart, listen to me. You don't have to go over the top 'cause I'm dying."
Buffy narrowed her eyes- then swiped her hand across his stiff platinum hair, skewing it, shaking her head at his folly. "That was so you keep living. Idiot."
"Buffy. I - thought William said you two had plans tonight?"
"Plans called on account of tired boyfriend." They shared a small, knowing grin.
She'd started calling him that now. They hadn't consummated with more than a few searing kisses, but it wasn't fully by choice. No strenuous activity the doctors said, and at first Buffy had been confused- did it mean the cancer spread- for that is what it was, a tumor, malignant, and ingrained in the lung tissue, one small mass in the right, an even smaller one in the left.
"How can being active make it spread?" She asked as they walked slowly around town, eating popsicles before they melted in the California heat.
"It's not that, Luv, It doesn't spread it. It's the fact that my breathin' won't work right once I get it started. Rapid inhalation, exhalation, even laughin' too hard, or a coughin' fit is gonna lead to- well, a coughin' fit." He put his smokes in the trash. "Hafta quit them. Makes it worse. Prolly sped up the process, but not gonna feed the fire anymore."
"Where is he?" Giles welcomed her into the living room.
"He crashed on my bed while I was getting ready." She blushed. "Not-like that. Ready to go out. I just had to go brush my hair and I had my new skirt in the dryer- he fell asleep by the time I got back upstairs. I didn't want to wake him up."
"I see. So you came to visit me?"
"Uh huh." She walked the living room she now knew as well as her own. The blend of Rupert and Will- two guitars in stands by the window, stacks of vinyl, shelves of books, weapons on the wall artistically arranged to look like mere displays to the casual visitor.
Giles closed whatever he was reading, or pretending to. When she walked around like this, not talking much, it meant she actually had a great deal to say. "What is it, dear?"
"Is he getting any better? He- he stopped telling me the numbers last week. And his hair- um- I love his hair." She laughed awkwardly, looking at her feet in her summery sandals. "But I thought it would have fallen out with all the radiation."
"Radiation only causes hair loss on the area being treated." Giles said automatically.
"That explains why he's Mr. Smooth lately. His chest is like one of those statues in Italy that you just want to lick ice cream off of, if it wouldn't get you put in museum jail and I- really need to stop talking now." Buffy trailed off, blushing furiously.
Giles cleared his throat and polished his glasses vigorously, the Watcher version of blushing. " Hm. Well. Chemotherapy drugs may do that. The hair loss. In some cases. Not all."
"Like if the treatment isn't working, and the drugs aren't having any effect, then... nothing happens?"
"Something like that." He murmured.
More pacing, nudging books, bumping records, making him long to tell her to sit down and sit on her hands, like some naughty child. Only he would never say that to her now, not when he knew what she was working up to.
"When they say inoperable-"
He answered the question she hadn't quite asked. "It means that an operation isn't an option. It doesn't mean that it can't be done, it means that- well, that it would be very risky, or have no value. In Will's case, since it's on both lungs and already affecting breathing- he might not be able to continue breathing during surgery, even with assistance. I asked about removing one lung, because he- well, a person can live with only one lung. But it's on both."
"What about a transplant? He can have one of mine." Buffy gripped the hem of her shirt in a nervous gesture. "I'm a Slayer. I have Slayer lungs, right? He could have mine and it wouldn't get sick, would it?"
"Maybe not. I don't know. I don't think it's ever been attempted. I don't think there has ever been a slayer with such a deep connection to another person, or so much love in her heart." Giles smiled softly at her.
"So why don't we try that?"
"By the time that his body could accept a new lung, if yours is even a match, he might have a large tumor on the other side, which would necessitate a further operation. Which would be difficult to do, on a patient who's just had a transplant." Giles knew the scenario she suggested was unlikely to work at any rate. A Slayer is a Slayer as a whole. Take away pieces and they're simply that, pieces.
"Couldn't we ask about it?" Buffy insisted.
"I will, Buffy. I'm just not holding out much hope the doctors would agree to something so ... cavalier. Especially since I can't tell them that your lungs may have mystical healing powers." He chewed on silence for a moment, and then stared at her.
"You have something else face."
"What?"
"You have the look that means you have something else to tell me. So say it." Buffy crossed her arms, shielding herself from the pain she knew was coming.
"If William goes the same course as his mother did- if the cancer is indeed like his mother's, which the doctors seem to think is the case, some unusual genetic predisposition... it eventually metastasized."
"It what?"
"Spread."
"Oh."
His hands trembled subtly as he removed his glasses. "Buffy, sometimes we have news that we don't want to face."
"So we won't face it! What are we going to do?"
There may not be anything left to do. But by God, we're going to try. "Anna's doctor- that was my sister's doctor, opened a private clinic in London. I'm going to get him there. If there are drugs or treatments they haven't approved in the US yet, they may have something available over there."
"Can I still come? I was going to come, am I still coming, even though it's not a vacation, even though it's a different time?"
"You two were going to go sight seeing-"
"The only sight I want to see is Will getting better." Buffy declared firmly.
Giles nodded. "Goodness knows we both need you."
She practically jumped into his lap to hug him. "Thank you! Thank you for being an awesome Watcher and uncle. I love you."
"Hrm. Well, I- love you, too." He coughed and patted her back awkwardly.
How do you ask awkward questions like, "So, are you still going to be dying soon?" Buffy wasn't allowed in the consulting area. She read magazines in the office and made a game out of finding how many words English magazines spelled differently than American ones, and how many topless pictures they could get away with.
"Hey. What'd he say?" Buffy already knew. William's face was thunderous, Giles' was blank. The expressions of no joy, arguing, and bad news.
"Sod all." William grabbed her hand and hurried her out the door while his uncle paid the bill.
"Why are you smoking? Don't smoke!" Buffy yelped as he lit up halfway down the street. "Where'd you even-"
"Light fingers." He flashed her a whole packet, a lighter, and someone's keys.
"Will!"
"The keys were an accident." He dropped them on the ground.
"Hey. What the hell is wrong with you?" Buffy got in front of him and demanded angrily.
"Nothin' much, Pet, I'm just dyin' young. You're not the only one with a fucked up birthday tradition." He gave her a crooked smirk and blew a long roll of smoke through his lips, shuddering out a cough.
"Well... I'm not dying at the moment, so could you put that away?" Buffy asked quietly.
He hesitated, then dropped it, crushing it under his heel. She noticed he didn't relinquish the pack though. "I thought... I thought you wanted to get better. They said to stop smoking."
"Yeah. To get better. This bloke- he says I'm not gonna get better. I've got two options. I can do some new experimental treatment which means I'm in hospital pretty much around the clock, and that I've gotta stay here in London- and it'll prolong my life. I could get another six months to a year instead of another three months to six. But it's not getting better. It's just- existing. Managing pain. Hoping for miracles."
She couldn't speak. There were timelines. There had never been timelines before. Three months? Three months and- no more Will in her life and she suddenly knew what it was like not to be able to breathe. She let him drag her through crowds and down the steps into the underground, blindly clutching his hand as she tried to see through tears.
He was fueled by anger. He kept on talking, grunting out words he knew she'd hear, even in the crush of the city streets and roar of trains in the tunnels. "I watched him do it to my mum. I watched him 'treat' her and 'manage' her, and I'm not letting him do it to me. She spent the last three weeks of her life -" It hurt too bad to talk about those last three weeks. About how badly she hurt, about how she seemed to shrivel away, barely speaking by the end. He furiously wiped his eyes. "I don't wanna get more time just to waste it."
Buffy finally stopped following along with him, applying the considerable strength in her small frame to halt him. Will turned to look at her, but she still didn't speak.
He didn't either, just pulled her against his chest and gripped her hard, watching the rest of the world rush by.
"She said she tasted it in me. Death. But it was too soon. She was right. For cracked as she is, she knows a few things, doesn't she?"
Buffy nodded. She still couldn't seem to speak more than a word at a time. Will always made up for it. He was the wordy one, the brainy one, the- Oh God. How am I going to live life without him in it? I'm supposed to die young, not him! This isn't fair.
"She said I'd come to her this time." He said it ever so casually, just to her, as they laid alone in his hotel room bed. She had her own room of course, but no one would keep them apart tonight, even if they had planned to something less than innocent. "Think she's right again, Luv?"
Buffy sat up. "What?"
"Drusilla. Think she's right? Think I'll find her in time?" He held his breath- what he could get of it.
"I- You're too good for that, Will. I never, ever, ever think you'll kill people so you can live- an-and it won't be you living."
"You eat burgers. You kill cows. I don't see the harm in you gettin' the beef, me gettin' the blood. I work in a stock room in the basement, I play in coffeehouses and clubs, all at night. I could take night courses. I grew up in the city, Luv, I'm not desperate for sunny skies and the great outdoors."
She swallowed down the immediate joy that filled her at the idea. It all sounded so reasonable, so manageable, possible, really. Except- "But that's what you want to do. And you won't be you anymore. You won't even- Will, you're wouldn't be a human."
"I won't be human in three to six months as it is. I'll be ashes. Scrawny, morphine-addicted ashes."
"But at least they won't be ashes I made." Buffy gasped out, a sob bursting from her lips.
"I wouldn't let you - I mean, wouldn't make you make that sorta call." He wiped hastily at her tears.
She sniffed them in and looked at him unflinchingly. "No. So I'd make it for us."
"You said if I ever got bit-"
"That was if it happened, an accident, no control." Buffy shot back before he'd even had a chance to finish the sentence.
William smiled. So she'd thought about it since they had the conversation yesterday. So she remembered. "Why's it matter if it was an accident or on purpose?"
"Because I never thought you would be desperate enough or stupid enough to -" She winced. "Dammit."
His smile broadened. "So you'll help me. It's what we do."
She physically hurt from how much pain this put her through. Every cell inside of her knew she would have to tell him no, and break years of the unbreakable code of honesty and friendship and helping each other no matter how bad the idea was, how unbelievable it sounded.
Therefore she was completely surprised when she heard herself saying, "Yeah. I guess I will."
"You- you want to what? You're considering- how can you-" The normally articulate Watcher gave up completely and went out onto the hotel room balcony, swore heatedly, scared a flock of pigeons and a passing jogger, then returned to face the blonde girl sitting on the edge of the hotel room desk with scared eyes. "Buffy, what you've just said is both heinous and out of the question. I'll thank you not to mention it again."
"I think it's both of those things, too. Only- he's going to die and - and I have to help him try, Giles. He wants to try this and if I don't help, he'll do it anyway. He'll do it anyway, but then what kind of time would we have left together? Him wanting me to at least try to help him save himself, him knowing I wouldn't?" Her eyes overflowed, as they had so often lately. "I only fall in love with someone before I lose them. We- we screwed up, okay? I should have seen it before and he should have seen it, too, and we didn't. We did the young, stupid, crazy living on the Hellmouth, and this is what it gets us. Death sentences."
He let her talk herself to a halt. "That doesn't excuse what he wants, nor what you agreed to. You agreed, didn't you? If you hadn't, you wouldn't be here, asking me these unspeakable questions."
"No one knows more than you." Buffy whispered. "He's your nephew, your only relative. I thought you-"
"My sister experienced this four years ago, Buffy. My only sister. My best friend through childhood, my companion growing up. You don't know what it's like, being the child of a Watcher. You're very isolated, with very clear expectations and little room to dream of your future. A friend you can tell your secret to- even better, one who shares it, is an incredible blessing. When you're faced with losing them, losing them to a slow, painful death, that still comes all too quickly- you consider every option."
She stared at him. "I do know what that's like. I'm living that, Giles. I'm living it right now, only Will isn't just my best friend, he's my everything. And Slayers aren't even supposed to have an 'everything', they're supposed to have nothing but demons and vamps and slaying."
"And when you're a Watcher, you have all that- in book form." He said dryly. "You have knowledge, secret knowledge of the worst things in the world, of powers and loopholes. I thought about using them." His cheek ticked, and his eyes stopped seeing the girl in front of him, and saw another girl, a girl about five years older than this one, clutching at his arms in another hospital ward.
"Did William ever mention his father?" Giles asked.
"Subject change?" Buffy asked, puzzled.
"Did he?"
"He showed me his picture. I see where the good looks come from- the different good looks, no offense." She said quickly. "He told me about the motorcycle accident and how he was only- was he two or just about to turn two..."
"It was just before. Edward was in an accident, but he didn't die on impact. He had brain damage, and he was in an irreversible coma for about a week before Anna took him off life support. She asked me to do what you're asking me to do. Even though she didn't become a Watcher, she knew about vampires. She knew dead could walk, and she loved Edward -as much as you love Will. But she'd never studied them like my father and I had, it was just sort of general knowledge."
By now Buffy had a stricken look on her face. "If this was the scary movie, they'd be doing the creepy music, wouldn't they?"
"No." Giles said firmly. "Because I'm not a fool. I took her down to Devon and showed her the training area. I let her see vampires, I let her talk to them- I almost was fired then." He smiled ruefully. "Not one spark of humanity remained in any one of them. I remember the one- he'd been a milkman just after the war- been wounded in France, had a wife and three children. Was a volunteer for the Household Cavalry." Giles' voice was brittle now. "He took great delight in telling my sister about how he murdered his wife and children before starting on his milk route- being invited in at almost every home, because he was a familiar face..."
She felt sick. He'd wanted her to feel that way, and it made her hate him, if only for a second. "Why would you do that to her?" To me?
"So she'd understand! So you'd understand! All the things they were in life, the person they were, is twisted and perverted. That man killed the people he loved most, the people he defended and protected, people he was friends with, neighbors with. Anna loved Edward too much to give his body to a monster, especially without being able to even ask him if that was the sort of half- life he'd want. She loved me enough to beg me-" he swallowed, "not to weaken when she was dying, not to be tempted to try it, because it is a temptation, God, it is the most horrible one I've ever had. To keep them... even their image- for just one second longer..." The brittleness was replaced with ragged breathing, uneven, and she realized that the impassioned lecturer was in as much pain as herself. "He's so young, Buffy! It should have been me, Mother died of it, then Anna, and they didn't know about genetic predisposition back then. Shouldn't have happened to him so early. Shouldn't have happened to him at all. Should have been me."
"Giles, please don't say that." Buffy lost her anger, scooting next to him, putting her smaller hand on his.
"No, I mean it." He steadied himself before the tears could unhorse him, blinking once and setting his jaw. "We- we didn't want Edward to end up like that. We... Buffy, I cannot consider this. Not if I didn't do it for my sister. She would turn in her grave if I ever led William down this dangerous path. I can't do it for him, I didn't do it for her." His eyes locked on hers, "You may think I'm 'stiff' at times, devoid of emotions or feelings, but I loved my sister, Buffy. By the time she was diagnosed, she was my only family- aside from William."
"But if he dies, then you won't have-"
His voice was thunderous. "If he becomes a vampire, he'll be just as dead to me! Worse. My boy's face in a monster's possession." He shuddered. "No."
She agreed. She really did. But it was for Will and Will erased sense, Will erased boundaries. "But you'll still be without a family, either way-"
"I have you."
Her eyes tingled as she gripped his hand. "Slayers don't make very good family- if you want them to stick around for a long time."
William walked in then, from where he'd been listening outside the adjoining room doors. He found them crying, knitted up together, a sight he'd thought he'd never see. He felt hope trying to wriggle away from him, and he crushed it's tail and held it. "Cryin' for me already?" He sneered, masking the pain, holding in his own tears.
"No. Crying for ourselves." His uncle replied, and fiercely grabbed him, pulling him into the knot.
"Are you... serious? You're not, are you?" Willow squeaked. William's twentieth birthday party-slash-welcome home from England party was interrupted by his idea.
"Will!" Buffy had told him not to mention it. They wouldn't understand it. And they had to give up the idea. Really. Soon. Any second now... And no. Despite what Giles shared, the idea was fixed in his head, and so, in hers. A part of him as much as his thoughts, and just as inseparable and inescapable. "It's not-"
"So crazy." Oz shrugged. "I'm a werewolf. Hey, we could make a side band, Will. Monsters of Rock? Too cheesy?"
"Too obvious. Let's do something subtle."
"Don't joke!" Willow's voice went up an octave, then dropped to a hiss. "Three nights a month Oz sleeps in a cage, this is talking about eternity with a demon in you, always in a cage you can't get out of! It's never going outside in daylight, and never having a reflection, and always trying to kill people!"
"Shhhh." Buffy hushed her nervously as people beside them turned to stare. "Will, you have to stop talking about this, Willow, don't freak, he's not going-"
"To hurt people." William looked annoyed. "Not if you fix me up, Red."
"Come again?"
"You popped the soul back in Angel. One psycho to one big brooding but morally upright citizen in one easy spell, just add orb."
"But- that's ... wait, that's a good idea." Willow looked awed as comprehension dawned.
"No. It isn't." Buffy glared daggers around the table. "Because it's not a spell- it's a curse! One moment of true happiness and bye. No soul. No Will. I already did that once." Her voice cracked. "I'm not doing it again. That's beyond stupid." Her eyes dared him to disagree, "That's hurting you. And me. Do you think I love you enough to want you to live a hundred years without ever feeling happy?"
"I don't have any sins to be burdened down by, no hundreds of innocents and gypsy girls weighing me down. The guilt of his past, that's what makes Angel so bloody unbearable an' miserable all the time." William argued gently.
"Fine. You won't be miserable and wracked with guilt. You're still saying you'd rather be- not even alive- just not dead, 'living' without ever feeling really happy. Sorry if I'm sounding all selfish right now, but I'd rather not spend my life, short as it might be- with the guy who looks like my best friend, knowing I'll never see him really, truly happy." She shoved herself angrily away from the table. "Sorry. I have to go. If I have to get used to losing you- the real you- I want to get in some practice."
Tap. Tap. Tap.
Buffy put on her bedside lamp. "What's that-"
"Can I come in?"
She gasped. Outside on her window ledge. "You're not Peter Pan, okay? Use the front door. During normally scheduled business hours." Buffy snapped at him, though she did help him inside. When he got in- he began to speak, then stopped, wheezing, a rattling, rasping sound taking over the room. Waspishness was instantly replaced by concern. "Baby? You need some water?"
"No. Just need to know...still- your- boy?" Will's eyes pleaded with her as he rasped.
She'd never resisted those blue eyes, not since that first meeting in the cafeteria. "Always." She swallowed down so much emotion in one simple word- then let it all pour out desperately. "Please be for always. Will, I want to be with you, but I don't want to lose you when you- if you change. I want you to be happy. I want there to be a moment when you and I are really, perfectly happy."
"Already had moments like that with you." He pulled her across his knee, and she nodded.
"I know. We're happy together, right?"
"We are, Luv."
"I thought- well, see," she tucked her hair behind her ear in a nervous gesture, "when I'm with you, I know what being really, awesomely, 'so good it hurts' happy is like. And that's just when we're getting ice cream and walking around the mall. It didn't have to be one big- first time, or anything." She hastily slid over old details. "I was hoping you felt that, too."
"Oh, I do, Buffy." Will hugged her hard to himself. "I don't even need the ice cream. I just need you to give me a smile. Hell, not even. Just knowin' you're somewhere in the same city gives me a high."
"So I don't want to keep you at the expense of you losing that. That is selfish, isn't it?" She chewed her lip.
"No. It's keepin' me true to myself. I don't need a curse. I don't need a soul. I just need you."
She kissed him, and she wrapped her knees slowly over his thighs, hugging him with her whole body. She pressed him to her chest as she whispered, "How can you be sure? You've seen vampires."
"I know a couple things." His mind replayed some of the conversations he'd had with Drusilla, some things she hinted at, but that he questioned. He'd need answers. But for now- "Take the maddest of the maddest, the evilest of the evil- and let's look over a fact or two. Drusilla, mad as a hatter and killin' left an' right- still knew exactly who she wanted to be with. Would do anything for."
"Angel."
"No. Angelus. She may not love him, but she adores him, and she's loyal to him. Kill an' die for him. Not Angel, though. And there in lies the evil an' crackers bit."
She nodded. "You won't love me anymore?"
"No!" Will shook his head. "That's not what I meant. That's not true. I would always love you."
"I want to believe that, but when the demon is in charge-"
"I'm in charge. I'm the boss." He snarled suddenly, and felt her jump, pull back and look at him. "It's somethin' she told me, Slayer." His hands gripped her waist. "It's a matter of givin' the demon his due- and nobody's been reinin' in his demons like I have." His eyes smoldered her, held her over a low blue gaslight flame and made her insides melt and drip. "You know I... have all kinds of self-control."
How did his tongue do that? Circle like that, and the cheeks tightened in a wicked in a good way smile. Oh yes. Self-control. They both had that in spades. Buffy nodded and felt herself arch into his lap, hips widening, riding down, to feel him press up, biting her lip in a kiss.
"After you left- Willow said it- hang on." Will panted, lack of air from making out combining with already obstructed lungs. "She said we'd be okay with the curse, maybe. Said, it was your first time with Angel that made him so happy, so at peace. We'd already be 'used to it'. Then Oz said- we'd be so happy to be back together, and we couldn't give it up, miss it too much. I said you can't miss what you haven't had." He rocked back and watched her straddle him. Buffy's cheeks turned darker, and she nodded, hands resting on his abs, moving slowly down to his waist- where his hands trapped hers. "We're all wrong. I can miss it. I would never get 'used to' makin' love to you."
"I keep worrying we're going to miss our chance." Buffy curved her back, stooping to kiss him gently.
"'Cause soon I'll be too sick to do it." He stated. Reluctantly, she nodded. "My turn to be selfish -an' to practice the self-control bit. I've been dreamin' of us for so long, Buffy. I don't want the first time to be some half-assed five minute poke where you do all the work an' I lie here, tryin' not to cough in your face."
"You seriously think I'd mind?" She caressed his cheek, ran her hands lower, urging him to let go of worries. "I love you. It's you. I don't care if it's not going to be record breaking."
"I care. I think our first time should make you see stars. I think it should make you scream, and moan, and that- you should wake up next to me the next mornin' in exactly the same state as when you fell asleep in my arms." He knew about her one and only morning after. "Mostly, I don't want you to have to take me to the hospital when it's done. An' I really, really don't fancy you askin' your mum to drive us there."
She laughed, and nodded reluctantly, resting her head to his, nose to nose. "You know- if we- I mean- if this doesn't work out, I'm going to kick myself into the afterlife for missing this."
"I'll be there with bruises of my own." He coughed, trying to muffle the gagging noise that accompanied it, and then asked, more cockily than he genuinely was, "You won't mind if it's a vamp, will you, Luv? It's what you're used -" He couldn't finish. "I'm sorry, I can't even make it sound good out loud. I guess I'm worried you'll miss it too. You won't want me if I'm-"
"I want you. I don't care what the hell you are, but you'd better be my Will. Okay?" she said firmly, getting off of him, helping him rise, listening in relief as his breathing evened and eased.
He nodded. "If I didn't think I could make it- I wouldn't try. You don't think I'd put you through this unless I really believed I could pull it off, d'you?" I love you more than myself. why do you think I'm doin' this bloody stupid thing? I can't live without you. I can't die when I finally get you. But even if it killed me, I wouldn't hurt you.
Say you know it. William licked his lips are waited for her to answer him.
Buffy paused before answering. She had been in a tumultuous frame of mind for weeks, ever since the barbecue, and it only increased once he told her this dangerous, probably doomed to fail plan. She went along with him because she loved him, and because it was what they did. Help each other no matter what, even if they shouldn't. But she never stopped to think, "Would he be that selfish? Would he risk hurting me, to save himself?" The answer was a resounding no. For the first time in weeks, she felt like her breathing was easier, too.
"I believe in you. All the way- any way you are- or will be." Buffy whispered.
"I knew you'd back me." He almost laughed in relief, eyes brimming. Then he sniffed in manfully, "Good thing, too. 'Cause looks like we're buggered in terms of gettin' help from Bert an' the gang. It's you an' me."
"Well... I like the odds. So tell me what Drusilla told you. I know you think you've got an ace up your sleeve."
To be continued...