3 As tears go by
It was quite a disappointment to Severus that Lily got Sorted into Gryffindor (strangely, it never occurred to him that a Muggleborn would not fit well into Slytherin), but at least they had some classes together, so he would see a lot of her. Also, they could still study in the library later on- he had already heard lots about Hogwarts library, and couldn't wait to see it. He was eager to learn and pretty proud of having already mastered his first Transfiguration spell.
There was nothing comparable to the surge of magic, the tickle of warmth in his fingertips
He smiled at her when she sat next to him. Lily returned the smile, though there was a tiny frown marring it as her eyes followed the retreating figure of the plump girl.
"Wasn't that Raven? What did you say to her, Severus? She doesn't look very happy…"
As if Lestrange's happiness was any of his concern!
"I just kept this chair for you, Lily," he said, a hint of defiance in his voice.
"Well, thank you, Severus. I just wished you wouldn't always be so rude to others. And Raven is in your house; surely it would be nice if you'd make some friends in your own house."
What's that supposed to mean? Severus furrowed his brows. Was Lily already becoming chummy with her house mates? Wasn't he friend enough? He had seen her walking to Transfiguration, chatting to one of the Gryffindor girls...
That moment, Professor Slughorn entered the classroom. His mother had told him about the man, who had also been her Potions teacher- many years ago- and somehow, Severus had expected him to look… well, different. Less like a jovial, oversized walrus and more like the distinguished Potions master of his imagination. And yet, he couldn't wait for the lesson to start. Potions was a topic that interested him most, simply because it was a subtle art that required precision as well as some intuition.
Alas, Professor Slughorn took his time. First, he called on all the students, asking them questions about their relatives.
"James Potter! Ah, you look just like your father, m'boy. I know him quite well- fabulous man, really fabulous... the last time we met, we shared a bottle of exquisite elf-made wine."
"I will give my dad your best regards. Perhaps there is another bottle of that wine left in our cellar," Potter offered shamelessly, making it sound almost like bribery. But Professor Slughorn simply accepted the offer just as shamelessly. At least Gryffindor didn't earn any house points for that!
"Sirius Black. Another Black! I had all of you, your parents- I trust they are well? - your aunt and uncle, your lovely cousins- how comes you're not in my house?"
"I felt a sudden rebellious streak," Black replied cocky, which caused Slughorn to laugh so hard his large belly shook and his walrus-moustache twitched with amusement.
Severus didn't think that very funny, but at long last he was glad that the annoying Black boy wasn't in Slytherin. Now, if Slughorn would only begin with the actual lesson! He wanted to learn about Potions and not about the families of his classmates- most of them were stupid idiots anyway, who seemed to enjoy the idle chit-chat.
"Evans, Lily. Are you possibly related to the late Winifred Evans, who worked in the Department of Magical Transportation?"
"No sir, I'm sorry. My father is a bank clerk and my mother a housewife."
"A bank clerk? Fantastic! You are Muggleborn? And your mother is a housewife? How original. Tell me, how does she manage it all without knowing any household spells?"
"Um, quite well, I guess- just like all other Muggles," Lily said, a little tongue-in-cheek. "Of course, I don't know the difference, but we've got vacuum-cleaners, refrigerators and washing-machines, and all of that is run by electricity."
While Severus wished she wouldn't speak so openly about her Muggle heritage- one of the boys from his house, Mulciber, sneered disdainfully- Professor Slughorn exclaimed excitedly. "Now isn't that amazing? These Muggles! They have refrigidators run by electrickery. Isn't she charming? You have to tell me everything about it, my dear girl. And I'm most curious about these telling bones-"
"Do you mean telephones, sir?"
"Yes, yes- but let's not dawdle, we still have a wee bit to learn about Potions today, haven't we?"
If Severus had expected the lesson would finally start, he was mistaken. Slughorn kept on babbling on and on, and none of it had anything to do with Potions. There were still a few pupils on his list, and it soon became obvious that his interest in any of them seemed to wane if they didn't have relatives in high places, or were otherwise famous. Or would be famous one day. Apparently he was collecting the celebrities of tomorrow for an exclusive circle of what he called the Slug Club.
'... nothing special, nothing too pretentious, just a few people meeting for some talk and a nice dinner...'
Severus figured that that was an understatement, given the posh way his professor was dressed. Therefore it came as no surprise to him that his poor self left no lasting impression with Slughorn. The Potions master didn't even get his name right and called him 'Severin' instead. He would probably not receive an invitation for the Slug Club. Severus couldn't have cared less.
"Raven Lestrange. Ah well, everyone's there." Professor Slughorn didn't as much as glance in the girl's direction, which Severus thought strange. At least the name was noble, and the Lestranges were one of the oldest wizarding families. Perhaps he knew already that Raven wasn't related to them? He couldn't imagine any other explanation, but didn't bother to waste another thought on her either, since finally, Slughorn deigned to do what he was paid for. He flicked his wand at the table and some pictures appeared, showing various plants. "Now, can anybody tell me what we've got here?"
Quite a few hands went up, but it was Potter, who shouted- without having been called on- "Monkshood!"
"Very good!" Slughorn cried, clearly missing the chance of reprimanding the boy for shouting out loud, boasting with his minute knowledge. "Five points to Gryffindor. Do you also happen to know any other name for that plant? Yes, Miss Evans?"
"Wolfsbane."
"Wonderful! You are a very clever young witch, Miss Evans. Another five points to Gryffindor."
Although it filled Severus' heart with pride that Lily knew the correct answer, he would have known, too. If only Professor Slughorn wouldn't so assiduously overlook him! After all, it was he who had taught Lily the basics of Potions, who had shown her the herbs and plants his mother kept hidden under a plank in the kitchen. And he had also shown her his mother's old Potion books, secretly stowed away in the old wardrobe, behind her wedding dress. She had been good at Potions, but nowadays she only dared to brew in private, when his father wasted his life away in the pub or- very occasionally- at work in the old mill.
Lily smiled brightly when the lesson was over. She liked Potions, and she liked Professor Slughorn.
"He's a really nice teacher, isn't he?"
"So it seems," Severus lied, and of course, to someone who was so obviously favoured by Slughorn, he was nice. Perhaps you just have to study hard to gain his approval, he thought, since it was unmistakably clear that he was neither from an important family nor had connections to the Ministry, to Quidditch champions, or other famous people. Of course, he did not begrudge Lily for having made it into the Potion master's good book. She was a very clever young witch, indeed. At least Slughorn got that.
"Will I see you in the library later?" Lily asked sweetly. "We could do homework together."
"Sure," he drawled, but deep inside he was delighted. Doing homework was a wonderful prospect if he could do it with Lily. And his thoughts drifted to the dreams he'd had about Hogwarts, seeing them studying together as they learned to master their magic and become powerful members of the wizarding word.
"See you then, Severus!" She cried cheerfully, rushing to catch up with a group of Gryffindor girls.
Probably he had been lost in daydreams of a better future, because usually he did not stumble over his own feet. But he stumbled nevertheless...
Spiteful laughter accompanied his ungraceful almost-contact with the floor.
"Yeah... see ya, Snivellus!"
By the time he had whipped out his wand, the two obnoxious boys were already too far away for him to fire a Stinging Hex surreptitiously, and he remembered that hexing people in the corridors wasn't an option anyway. It was against the school rules, and therefore it would only result in losing house points for Slytherin. Oh, but it was so tempting...
*
"Ha! That was cool, Potter. Let them ruddy snakes have it!" A small, mousy-haired boy cheered, leaping up and down with excitement.
Potter turned his head in an arrogant gesture, as if he was about to rebuke the boy for bothering him. But then he changed his mind because of the devoted glee he saw on the boy's face.
"You're a Gryffindor, aren't you?"
"Yes! Yes! We're in the same dormitory- don't you remember? Got Sorted yesterday. I'm Peter. Peter Pettigrew."
"'course I do, Peter," Potter laughed jovially, wrapping an arm around Pettigrew's shoulder. Since he had the very intention of having lots of fun at Hogwarts, it couldn't harm to get in with little Peter Pettigrew. After all, they shared the same dormitory. It might be quite useful to make friends with him.
"You coming, James?" Sirius called, sounding a tad impatient.
James caught up with his friend. "Hey, have you met Peter yet? He's in our dorm."
"Hello Peter," Sirius wore a haughty expression as he eyed the little boy up and down, clearly wondering what his buddy was up to now.
Later on at lunch, James filled him in. The two boys grinned mischievously.
*
Severus would have been perfectly happy at Hogwarts- he definitely treasured every moment he spent with Lily in the library, studying, but probably even more the walks they took on the grounds, talking about this and that- if it weren't for those obnoxious house mates of hers.
It had been aversion at first sight, and it was mutual. Potter and his friends, a bunch of bullies that had expanded from Black to Pettigrew, and just recently to Remus Lupin, a pale and slightly shabby-looking boy, were hexing everyone simple because they could. Well, Potter and Black did most of the hexing; the others stood by and thought it funny.
It wasn't funny, though, when all of a sudden you were sporting purulent boils all over your body, or something equally amusing. Severus made it to the hospital wing quite a couple of times after having encountered those Gryffindor dorks in the corridors, although he gave as good as he got. He had long given up on his previous intention to stick to the school rules.
"Don't let them provoke you," Lily chided him ever so often, but Severus didn't pay heed to her well-meant advise. Talk was cheap, and she was never the victim of their stupid pranks. She didn't approve of their bullying either, and yet she expected him to not fight back. It was a frustrating situation.
And then, there were days like this, when they were out on the grounds, enjoying the warmth of a late autumn day. The sun was shining from a pale-blue sky, and no Potter was around. Lily was smiling, sunlight sparkling in her hair, making it look like it was all flames. She was so special, so very very beautiful.
His eyes watched her greedily as if he wanted to soak in every bit about her, and the careless expression on her face made his heart leap with joy. In moments like these he could forget about his miserable existence, feeling almost careless himself. And when she suddenly spurted into a swift jog towards the forest, he naturally followed her. Even though he felt uncomfortable and sweaty, running like that for no reason at all.
The forest ahead of them appeared like a dark purple shade from afar, and only when they got closer they could make out the silhouettes of high trees. At the edge of the first row of trees stood a cottage, more like a hut, actually. Blueish-grey smoke rose from its chimney. A dog was barking.
That hut was where the Keeper of Keys and Grounds of Hogwarts was living, Rubeus Hagrid, and it was his dog that was barking, informing him that he got visitors. Soon after, the door was opened and his enormous shape filled the frame.
When Lily spotted him, she waved enthusiastically. She had met Hagrid occasionally and was very fond of him- he always showed her some truly fascinating magical creatures when she came to visit.
Severus, however, begged to differ. Magical beasts and creatures were dangerous and most certainly not to be considered as pets. But he had already proven that his instinct for sensing dangerous situations was remarkably low, on the day of their arrival at Hogwarts, when he had turned a blind eye on that prank those two obnoxious Gryffindor bullies had played on some of the girls...
Severus heaved a sigh; he had long detected that some students were treated differently than others, and that Gryffindor always got off lightly while the shame was blamed on Slytherin. It seemed to be a habit at Hogwarts.
Paying not much attention to what Hagrid told Lily about nifflers, he contemplated the things going on in his House. It was a tough act to get along with them, and there always seemed to be some kind of secret talking going on... usually, it would stop the very moment he entered the common room, as though it wasn't meant for his ears. And yet, it was exactly that attitude that had piqued his interest. Severus wanted to know, even if that meant doing little favours for Lucius Malfoy, the posh pureblood...
"Severus? SEVERUS!" Lily sounded a tad impatient as she interrupted his train of thoughts.
He looked up, staring mesmerized into her emerald eyes.
She huffed; then she took his arm and let him out of hearing distance of Hagrid, whispering conspiratorially, "Hagrid just told me that there are unicorns in the Forbidden Forest."
"Indeed? Well, but that's a well-known fact... haven't you read Hogwarts: A History?"
"'cause I have, but- just imagine Severus- real unicorns! I'd so very much like to see one."
"They're very shy creatures, Lily. I doubt one of them would step out of the depth of the forest only for you to- oh no. Don't even think about it. We're not allowed to go in there!"
"I know," Lily said, although she pouted at Severus' apparent unwillingness of presenting her with a unicorn.
"We're gonna learn about them in Care of Magical Creatures, if that's what you'd like to choose in third year," he tried to conciliate her, hoping she wouldn't start begging because then his initial reluctance would most definitely waver- and he wasn't keen on risking detention or the loss of house points for making an unauthorized trip to the Forbidden Forest. Besides, it was dangerous. On the other hand, he could quite well imagine how cool it would be to save Lily from whatever dangers were lurking in the Forbidden Forest, and take her to where the unicorns were.
Of course, that was a very premature thought- worthy of Gryffindor thinking. He, however, was a Slytherin, and Slytherins were known for their cunning. So if he ever actually considered playing the hero for Lily, he would be well prepared, aware of all the possible dangers awaiting them, and he'd also know how to fight them. Now, that was a good plan.
*
Lily Evans was a popular girl. She was kind and witty; making friends was very easy to her. The teachers adored her because she was also a bright little witch, and she did well in classes. What her friends didn't understand, though, was why she spent so much time with Severus Snape. 'Creepy,' they said about him, mocking him for his greasy, unwashed hair- and it was true, he really should take better care of his personal hygiene. Nevertheless, Severus was her friend, her best friend.
She just wished he wouldn't be so socially awkward. Lily could simply not take him along when she was meeting with her other friends, the Gryffindor girls, and that bothered her. He was always so rude, calling her friends dunderheads, silly giggling cows or brash brats. It really was no surprise that no one liked him. On the other hand, he was more intelligent than them- perhaps that came along with being antisocial, given that he seemed to prefer books over people. Whenever she saw him, he had his big nose buried in a book. In the morning at breakfast, during lunch, and ever later at dinner, when all classes were long over- Severus was always reading.
Needless to say that that made him a great study partner. Since he was way ahead in most of the classes, Lily truly appreciated his help when she got stuck with her homework. She had to admit that his knowledge was impressive, which made her overlook many of his faults. It had been like this from the very beginning, ever since he had told her she was a witch. Of course, she had wanted to know everything about this strange new world, a parallel society to the one she was used to, and he had been eager to fill her in with everything she wanted to know.
Lily remembered those afternoons by the river fondly, and she still enjoyed spending time with him, and yet she wished he wouldn't be so fixated on her. Sometimes it was even a tad scary, the way he looked at her... So... so greedily... and then she understood quite well why her friends thought him creepy.
She wouldn't have it though, if anyone called him that or mocked him about his appearance. It wasn't polite to make fun of someone's nose or hair. Then, her self-righteousness would kick in and she found herself defending him, much to the dismay of her house mates. Especially Potter and his cronies couldn't understand why she- a pretty Gryffindor- was socialising with Slytherin scum like Snivellus. Lily didn't pay heed to them because they were naught but arrogant, bullying toe rags. She despised their attitude and, well, perhaps she even had a thing for underdogs.
Therefore, Lily was probably the only one at Hogwarts who actually pitied Raven Lestrange, and she always chided Severus for being unnecessarily rude to her. It's bad manners telling her to get lost when Raven made an attempt of sitting next to him in the library, and it was even more rude that he had the nerve to pull away the chair from under her bum, making the poor girl tumble to the floor with a loud thud.
"Severus!" Lily reprimanded him- although it was very sweet of him that he was trying to retain a seat for her. He was her knight sans shining armour and clearly lacking chivalry.
She made a point of offering to help Raven up, but her endeavour was only met with a brusque gesture of rejection as the girl stumbled to her feet and fled the library.
*
Unlike Lily Evans, Raven Lestrange was not a popular girl. She would even go as far as to say that she was most likely the most unpopular girl at Hogwarts; a loner with no friends at all. And since it was foreseeable that she wouldn't make friends in the near future either, she retreated into her shell more and more. Hardly speaking to anyone at all until her own voice sounded strange to her.
She was truly miserable, wishing all the students would simply leave her alone. Alas, that didn't happen.
Why do I have to be a witch, she often wondered since living as a Muggle- or even a Squib- would have been so much easier. Instead, she was trapped at this horrible castle where everybody seemed to think it great fun to hex her into hospital wing, and the most tenacious in giving her a hard time for no reason at all were those obnoxious Gryffindor boys. They had already been insufferable when it was only the two of them, Potter and Black, but just recently the notorious duo had become an infernal quartet, with Peter Pettigrew and Remus Lupin joining the illustrious circle of bullies.
Raven never fought back. She just tried to avoid any confrontations. She didn't even complain about these assaults because it wouldn't change a thing anyway. Her parents didn't know, simply because she hardly ever found her way to the owlery. Oh, she'd quite had it with ever-changing staircases leading to nowhere!
And yet, she wasn't a totally hopeless case when it came to magic- the time-honoured walls of Hogwarts had seen worse than her- and her essays proved that. They were well-founded and surprisingly eloquent, given that she was as mute as a maggot when she was called up in class, blushing and gaping, but not uttering a single word although she knew the correct answer. A habit, that almost inevitably resulted in a loss of house points for Slytherin as the teachers considered her unprepared at best, or simply unwilling and defiant at worst.
To be honest, she had developed quite a talent for hiding her light under the bushel, having set her thick head on being a Squib, stubbornly hoping she could leave Hogwarts once it was confirmed. It didn't work, though. Things weren't that simple, and magic wasn't something that could be denied, or fooled. It was running through her veins, no matter how hard she tried to negate it. So instead of learning to control it, and learning to channel it through her wand, that fickle thing called magic found outbreaks, spontaneously, wild and uncontrollably- just like the accidental, unintentional magic of a child. And in the wizarding world that was almost as embarrassing as wetting the bed.
Raven was the magical equivalent of a bed-wetter.
Her main problem was her reluctance of using magic although she knew the theory of magic; she was even far ahead in reading about spells, hexes and curses. Some of them weren't due in class until next year- but what else could she spend her time with rather than reading, when books were her only friends at Hogwarts?
If only she wouldn't feel so unwilling of using her wand... ebony and phoenix feather, ten and a half inches. 'A fickle combination', Mr Ollivander had said, 'made for an eccentric witch. Swishy.'
Well, she was anything but eccentric, and this wand was clearly not meant for her. Of course, she knew that the wand chooses the wizard or witch. Nevertheless, she was quite certain that that didn't apply to her. Something must have gone wrong that day, and even the most famous wandmaker in wizarding Britain could err.
In rare moments, Raven still remembered the feeling of rightness, that warm and wonderful prickle in her fingertips, the golden shower of sparks her ebony wand had emitted, the very first time she had touched it. It had been terrific- and very scary.
Walking the corridors, lost again, she saw them just in time to avoid them- those obnoxious Gryffindors- so she surreptitiously slipped into the next room that would open for her. Listening closely, her ear pressed to the closed door, Raven assured herself that her nemeses had truly passed her hiding place without noticing her, before she took a look around.
She was in a bathroom. A rather gloomy, depressing bathroom. The floor was wet; puddles of water on cracked tiles reflected the flickering light of a few candles that seemed to struggle for existence in this damp atmosphere. On one of the walls there were blind mirrors over a row of chipped stone sinks, and the doors to the cubicles were scratched. One of them was even dangling off its hinges.
That bathroom was clearly out of order for more than a decade, and Raven wondered why no one had bothered to repair it. She was already accustomed to the out-of-date sanitary facilities of Hogwarts, but at least the other bathrooms were clean and functional.
"What are you doing here?" A voice behind her back asked in a whiny tone.
"Leave me alone," Raven said, sounding just as whiny. Wasn't there a single place where she could be alone in this horrible castle? Why was everyone always pestering her?
"But this is my toilet!"
That statement was followed by an anguished sob, which made Raven turn her head to see... the pearly translucent form of a ghost. The ghost of a girl, to be precise. She hovered in the air behind Raven, looking just as miserable as her own poor self was feeling. Silvery tears were shimmering in her pale ghost eyes, hidden behind thick spectacles.
"What do you need a toilet for? You're a ghost."
She had not meant to upset the ghost-girl, she was merely stating the obvious. And yet it resulted in a loud wail, followed by tears flooding down the ghost's face.
"Oh yes, yes, remind Myrtle that she'd dead. But what does it matter? WHAT DOES IT MATTER?"
The ghost swished up into the air, only to scoot down again an instant later. Raven heard water splashing in one of the cubicles, and she didn't really want to imagine what Myrtle was doing there.
"Nobody cared for me, even when I was alive," came her muffled voice from the U-bend. "Do you think I don't know what people called me behind my back? Ugly Myrtle! Fat Myrtle! Moaning Myrtle!"
"They call me the Fat Crow, but me name's Raven," Raven whispered, tears burning in her eyes now.
"But this is my toilet!" Myrtle ranted on, sobbing. "I live here. I haunt this place! I was murdered here!"
"Murdered?" Raven asked alarmed.
"Murdered. Killed." All of a sudden the ghost was next to her again, dripping even more water on the floor. "Nobody missed me. It took them hours to find me..."
"Oh dear," Raven gasped, imagining herself as the deadly victim of a prank gone wrong, and nobody would find her because nobody cared for her either.
"You're crying for poor Myrtle? I like you. We could haunt this toilet together, you know, you and I. All you have to do is dying."
"It's not my time yet."
"It wasn't my time either!" Myrtle cried, sobbing again. She was truly easy to offend.
"But," Raven said carefully, "I could come back, visiting you. If you like. And then you could tell me a bit more about you."
"Don't mock me! Everybody is teasing me all the time, taunting me, calling me names. Making fun of my glasses- I didn't ask to have them! Olive Hornby was the worst. 'Are you in here, sulking again, Myrtle?' she said, but I wasn't sulking. I was dead. And then I followed her around, making sure she'd never forget me. I reminded her, yes I did... but she went to the Ministry to stop me stalking her."
"Not fair."
"That's what I thought, when they made me come back here to haunt the toilet. And then they put that sign on the door, 'out of order.' Saying I'm having tantrums and accusing me of flooding the bathroom."
"Poor Myrtle..."
"There, you're doing it again. Don't mock me."
"I don't!" Raven snapped frustrated, then she started crying. "D'you really think I don't know how lonely you must have been? How lonely you are? D'you think I don't know anything about being bullied and taunted?"
It was the beginning of a wonderful friendship. Raven came to the bathroom often when she was feeling down, having a good weep with Myrtle. Although she soon realized that she wasn't quite as prone to tears as Myrtle was, since her ghostly friend was whining and moaning almost constantly.
thanks to hypnotic ink and Alabaster Princess