Fingers Crossed

A/N bit of mishmash this one, tryna get in the stuff from S8 which really isn't that much, but the vibe I get from Lexie this season is that she's not so whiny anymore. She's matured, she's finally ready. Also I just watched 8x8 and I love it so much.

Seattle Grace Mercy West Hospital, Seattle, WA 2011 - S8E08

He chose Mark.

Lexie didn't drive home that night. She didn't even go to Joe's. What was the point? Instead, she stayed with Justine and worked on the book. All night they wrote away until some point Justine fell asleep and Lexie cried a little bit more. But she wasn't crying about Jackson breaking up with her. She was crying because she should've been crying about it. She should be in love with him. He's nice and easy and he liked her but it was slowly dawning on her now that she could never love him. It wasn't fair.

She'd thought she was being so stoic telling Mark to get off her back and that she was moving on. She'd even convinced herself that she could love him. But that wasn't ever going to happen because Mark was right there. She was always going to love him and nothing had changed. Jackson was wonderful when he wasn't sulking but he wasn't Mark.

Apartment 501, Seattle, WA 2012 - S8E14

Lexie stood poised outside the door. Time was frozen as her raised hand was a second away from knocking. She'd waited outside the door for a full five minutes before daring herself to do it. She'd told herself that Zola wanted to see Sofia so it was okay. Time resumed, her hand collided with the painted woodgrain of the door and a sound rang out. There was a millisecond before the door clicked and opened to reveal Mark in a shirt and sweatpants.

"Hey," she said, trying to sound nonchalant and charismatic, gearing herself up for what she was about to do. She was stuttering over her words, something about play dates and talking and she was pointing at him and his eyebrows were shooting into his hairline and there were 'er's and 'um's and half words that didn't really make any sense. There was a crash from the kitchen, "oh. Is that Julia?" Her eyes widening.

"Avery's cooking me dinner." Mark replied, a little stunned. Lexie's eyes went wide, Jackson? Here? She thought, her mind racking through the possible ways she could just disappear at this moment.

"Oh, that's..." She couldn't come up with anything particularly coherent so stumbling around for words had to do.

She was leaving. That was it, if Jackson was here she was leaving. So why was she accepting Mark's offer of steak and being pulled inside his apartment? Why was she putting Zola down and taking off her coat and sitting at the kitchen island to watch her ex-boyfriends cook and talk about the boards?

"How is this my life?" Lexie asked herself in the mirror. She'd excused herself to go the bathroom as she could feel the blush rising over her neck, it'd been almost a year since she'd been in this apartment. Nothing had changed other than Sofia's baby stuff. Which okay was kind of a lot of stuff. But the back of the door was the same, the bathroom was the same, if she'd checked Mark's bedroom there would be sheets she recognised. Sheets she'd slept on. It was all a little too much tonight. But she'd brought herself over here, hadn't she?

Lexie took a tissue out of her bag and wiped her leaking eye. Her mascara wouldn't run because she always used waterproof, but her eyes would look puffy if she didn't dampen them down. One look and Mark would know she'd cried in here. He could still see right through her if he wanted to. And he always looked, he noticed all the tiny little things and he remembers the things that are important. He knows I love steak, and he knows that my favourite chocolates are the nougats and he knows that I would say yes to anything if I asked.

"Deep breath Lexie, you can do this. Go out there and eat dinner and watch Zola and pretend not to care that he's looking at you." She said finally, taking that deep breath and picking up her bag.

There was a knock on the bathroom door. She froze. Jackson opened it, he stood there in the doorway looking all cool and smiling at her like he hadn't (sort of) broken her heart three months ago. "Were you just talking to yourself?" He smirked, it was an almost laugh that made her cringe.

"No." She stormed past him and walked back to the kitchen deciding to make a thousand excuses and take Zola home because she'd changed her mind about doing this.

"Hey, dinner's ready." Mark said, putting a plate down in front of her and handing her some cutlery. How could she say no now? Lexie sat down, tucking into the food as an excuse not to talk. Mark smiled, then Jackson sat down and he smiled too. It was awkward and weird and Mark was apparently completely fine with this situation.

A little later the wine was open and Lexie had a glass in her hand, she was trying to careful about drinking too much because she still had to take Zola home when this was all over. But now she was on her third glass and it'd only gotten more awkward. Jackson and Mark were trying to study at the table with little to no luck, Lexie had started helping but Jackson kept talking over her and butting her out of the conversation, physically, with his elbow.

She picked herself up, a little worse for ware and feeling sorry for herself. She walked over to the table and looked at Mark. "I wanted to tell you something," she said, trying not to sound too desperate but drunk enough that she thought this was still a good idea. Despite Jackson being in the room. Jackson sensed where this was going, he really wasn't drunk, studying for his boards was too important. He stood up, taking Lexie by the shoulders he pushed her back a little.

"Lexie, why don't you go home." He heavily implied that he didn't want her here anymore, she stopped herself from scoffing and stood her ground, folding her arms over her chest.

"Fine." She walked back to the couch, picked up her bag and coat and made to leave. Mark stood up, he went and grabbed Zola from the floor and told Jackson to wait up.

"Lex, wait! I'll take you home." He got to her before she opened the apartment door and put a hand on her lower back. He was in protective mode, forgetting he had a girlfriend for a moment, thinking only of getting her home safe. "Avery, look after Sofia, I won't be long." Then the door slammed.

They sat in the car. When it stopped outside of Meredith's house, Mark turned on Lexie before she had the chance to open the door. "Did you still wanna talk?" He said, "because Avery will be fine on his own for a while."

Lexie instinctively shook her head. "Nope, just wanna get this little bumblebee to bed, look she's already asleep." She turned around to check on her, smiling falsely and making for the door. Mark's hand reached for her arm.

"Lex, it's okay. Look, I'll see you tomorrow. Just get some sleep, yeah." She nodded and opened the car door, not looking back at him. She clipped a very sleepy Zola out of the car seat and walked inside, internally cursing herself. Mark still cared about her, that was obvious. But he was happy with Julia, he was 'taking it slow.' Like they had at the beginning. Four years was starting to seem like an awfully long time to love someone and still not be with them. The younger, more fun version of herself would be surprised to even find herself in this mess. She had a plan. She was going to finish her residency and find a nice man her own age to marry at some point in her thirties. Mark was not part of the plan. Being twenty-eight and in love with a man old enough to be her father, was not part of the plan.