Inu-yasha didn't know what to do. His lips still burned and tingled for the contacted with Kagome's. He just kept walking, he didn't have a destination, but he didn't care. He just went were he wanted to. If he wanted to take a left, he took a right. This added to his confusion, it was like his soul was guiding his body. But at the moment in time he didn't mind. He needed something to guide him in this world.
Inu-yasha had tried once to be on his own and to do what ever seemed reasonable to his mind and heart. That time he almost killed himself. Some times late at night he would think he hadn't been saved at all. That was when he was tormented by his demons that were never far behind him. Times when he would look at his arms and find them ripped and red with rivers of blood. Inu-yasha was afraid when he went to sleep that the blood would drown him, that it would take over and destroy everything that he had worked seven years for.
He had beat the nightmares for the last few days, the hours he spent with Kagome in the hospital. In that time he wasn't made to face the darkness alone, were he didn't have to think about that time he was so sure he had ended his torment. The feeling would always hunt him… The scars would always mark his pain and his almost freedom… He felt a sick pride looking down at the scars that ran down his arms. When people looked at then they felt pity and disgusted. These feelings he could see in their eyes when ever they looked at him. He hated it. He HATED IT!
It made him feel like a freak, more then he already was. Made him feel stupid and selfish. Inu-yasha would always hate himself. And he was reminded what a coward he was every day, every time he saw the marks on his wrists and arms he felt so many things that the emotional tornado the ripped threw his body and mind left him feeling numb. He had felt this way when he was a stupid teen. Numb to joy and life its self. He was disconnected to his family and Kagome. This was just like that time.
Inu-yasha kept walking until he came to a park. He walked threw the iron gate in to the vast forest that hide the small park from view. In the small park was just an old rusty play set. Including an old slide and swings, placed in a big sand box type thing. Inu-yasha didn't really care for this, so he kept walking on the path that lead deeper in to the surroundings woods. The path was just a cracked cement path.
He soon cam to a small bench in a little nock in the foliage. It was a old wooden little thing that had been panted white some years ago but the paint had chipped mostly off. And the thing had been vandalized by kids carving their names in to it. Inu-yasha sighed as he sat down and looked around in despair. How could he have given in? How could he have kissed her? HOW?
Inu-yasha berried his head in his hands and shook his head. No how could he take advantage of her? He was worse then scum, and he knew that. Why did he have to do that to Kagome? His angel, his light. His…. His nothing. She was to good, to pure to be his anything. Inu-yasha ran his fingers threw his hair and noticed he had forgotten his hat when his finger's ran in to his ears. How could he have not notice that he didn't have a hat on? He signed again. Looking down at the bench to take his mind off his disturbing realization, he took in all the names that were carved on to the bench.
But that didn't help. Inu-yasha didn't want to, but he knew that he was going to. He took out his pocked knife and looked down at the small blade. It glinted lovingly up at him. Inu-yasha gulped. It called to him in his despair and pain. His golden eyes took on a hazy look as he looked down at the silver blade.
All of the many times he had cut himself seemed to blur in to an endless void in his life. His mockery of a really life. He held the thing that could end his pain, and it all, in his hand. All the times he had been tempted to cut. When he unloaded and put away a big butcher knife, he would stand there staring at it, because it called to his pain and his torment. It called to the vary essence of him.
He would sometimes brake out of that trance feeling sick with himself. Feeling incomplete. But other times… Other times he would black out. When he would come to his senses he would be covered in blood, it would be all over the house, like he had walked around with his wrists slit. It would be in the bathroom, on his bed, in the kitchen… It left him feeling paranoid. It would always be at lest two hours from the time he last remembered looking at the clock.
At those times he would run to the kitchen and pull out the drawer that he kept the butcher knifes. And the one he would remember holding would be there. Still wet form being recently cleaned. There was a time he freaked out thinking that he had hurt someone else when he was in that mood, because there was so much… so much blood… But do to his demon blood if his wounds were not tied open they closed with out much of a scar.
So one day he put video cameras all over the house. And the next time he went in to one of his moods he got it on tap. Watching that tap had unnerved him. In it his eyes were so hazy the gold had turned in to a light brown color. Inu-yasha watched himself walk around his house cutting himself over and over. He had made no attempt to leave the house. In fact he seemed afraid to go out.
It was almost unnerving watching himself cutting himself and doing things that looked like a mental patient would do. Like stand in front of the cluster of pictured he kept of his family and Kagome on a table in a hall. He seemed to spend most of his time there. He would touch the pictures with bloody fingers.
Inu-yasha would pick up a picture of Kagome when he moved some where else. He would hold it to his chest. He usually went to his coach and sat there for a while just staring at Kagome. Inu-yasha watched at he started to cry, rocking back and forth holding her picture close to his chest.
Inu-yasha sighed as he shook his head, getting rid of those thoughts. His last episode, witch is what he came to call them, was a day before he got to the hospital the first time. Not counting the few days at the hospital, he usually had an episode every week or two. He had not told his dad or mom about his episodes. Inu-yasha hoped that Kagome never found out about them, but she was going to live with him for a while… He just hoped he didn't have one when she was around. How could he look her in the eye after one of those?
He couldn't. He looked down at the knife and looked for and open spot on the bench. In a small corner he carved his name and Kagome's. He pulled back to looked at his handy work. With out much thought he closed his fist over the blade of the pocket knife. He blinked at the feel of the cool blade resting enclosed in his palm. Inu-yasha closed his eyes and though of what Kagome would think if she saw him like this. She would be the only one in the world that would care other then his parents. She would be the only one that he would care what she thought of him, in this position any way.
He tightened his hold on the blade and felt it cutting in to his palm. Inu-yasha watched emotionlessly as the blood dripped from his fist and splattered on to the bench and his cloths. He didn't care, the pain made him feel something. He was so desperate to feel something at the moment that he dint care about any thing. The pain and the feel of the blood dripping threw his fingers was his release from the world that condemned him, that hated him.
Inu-yasha pulled the blade sharply down, pressing down on the blade with his palm and his hand as he pulled it out of his fist. Blood sprayed the bench ruby red. It dripped of the bench and on to the forest floor. Inu-yasha opened his clenched fingers and basked in the searing pain the movement caused.
He stared down at the bone deep slash he had made in the center of his palm. The blood was seeping from it in great spurts. Almost as if it was pulsing with his rapidly beating heart. Inu-yasha brought the cut to his mouth and bit down in to the center of the cut and almost moaned from the pain. He pulled his fangs down and let out a small gasp and the pain ran up is arm making him shiver in the ecstasy of it.
Inu-yasha let go of his hand and his bloody lips making him look like a vampire. He looked down at all the blood feeling ashamed and proud of himself all in one swirl of emotion. Making him feel dirty and stupid. What would Kagome think of him if she saw him now? Blood drenched over his new shirt and splattered over the bench. And his lips and chin coated in his own blood, it all came together to make a disturbing seen to any one that would have witnessed it.
Inu-yasha got up and walked around the woods. Keeping way from the path so that no one would see him. He made no move to clean the blood from his face or cloths. All he did was wonder. Inu-yasha found a small brook, and as he reached its banks he feel to his knees and looked down at his own reflection. He looked like a deranged murderer. With the blood all over his body, he would scare Kagome if he went home looking like this. With the feeling of hopelessness he cleaned himself in the small stream. Turning the water a sick pink color. Inu-yasha cleaned the cut on his hand and looked at how deep it was. It would take about a half hour to heal fully. He looked down at his shirt there was no saving the blue shirt. It had turned a weird purple in the places were the blood had stained it.
Some of the blood had gotten on to his pants and he didn't know if he could get the stain out. He sighed and stood up again, the feeling of the world crushing down on him again. It was like the whole world was on his shoulders. It seemed to want to crush his soul and was trying its hardest to brake what was left of him. His scars hurt again and he couldn't stop feeling empty again. Would he ever feel anything but empty?
Inu-yasha felt a small warmth in his heart at the thought of going home to Kagome. He couldn't stop thing of going home to her open arms. That's were he felt like he was some one, that someone really cared. That someone like her loved him, it was what made him head home. Made him want to go home, instead of going to the gun store to get a gun to end it all, buy blowing out his brain pan. But how long could he go home to Kagome knowing that she wasn't his? That she wasn't there with open arms? How long before he bought his gun?
He couldn't answer that question, he would have to wait and see how much he could endure. But it was a comfort to know that at any time he could end his pain, that he could stop when he wanted to. Inu-yasha left the park behind and walked on home, not caring that he was getting weird looks because of all the blood on his cloths. No stopped to talk to him, for he had forgotten his hat and they all knew that he was a half-breed. That he wasn't worth any thing. Not to himself, not to the world, and not to Kagome. He knew that and it made him feel that much more empty because of it.
Inu-yasha dint stop, but kept going. He had to see Kagome, to know that she was still there. That she wasn't a figment of his imagination. That she what home and safe. She was the reason he still breathed, the reason he didn't get his gun yet. The reason he put up with that ever growing void in his soul and the black hole that threatened to suck up his heart and destroy every thing he had worked so hard to build. So hard to keep from being destroyed every time some one called him names, every time he cut himself he seemed to loss a small part of himself to that void. To the emptiness in side of himself.
In a his house Kagome passed back and forth growing more and more afraid as the minutes ticked by. Inu-yasha should have been home by now. Why wasn't he here? Did something happen to him? Her heart feel down to her stomach as the time grew latter and latter. She looked around the empty kitchen and sighed. Kagome wished that he would come home soon, she didn't like being alone. She was use to the hospital, where Inu-yasha barley left her side.
Kagome heard the door open and rushed over to Inu-yasha as he walked in. But she stopped in mid step. He was covered in blood! Kagome let out a little scream and rushed over to him. Her heart stopping, forgetting how to breath.
"Inu-yasha what happened to you!" She cried as he walked to her. Kagome looked in to his eyes and found them hazy. He didn't seem to know what he was doing as he laid his head down on to her shoulder and his arms came around her. Inu-yasha's body was shaking, and as Kagome pulled him tighter in to her embarrass by wrapping her arms around his slim waist she felt the deep tremors that ran threw him and in to her. She didn't know what to do… He wasn't cold, he was warm against her. Almost hot even. Kagome felt the stiff tension in his back and tried to think of a way to relax his muscles.
"Inu-yasha come with me, all start a warm bath for you. Come on, its ok." Kagome whispered in to his right ear. He let go of her and grabbed her hand. She leaded him toward the bath room, with the claw foot tub. All the while she whispered encouragements to him. He fallowed her like a little lost puppy. She tried to leave him in the bathroom when she went to get his swim trunks, but he wouldn't let her hand go, and she needed him to get the swimming trunks. They went in to Inu-yasha's room, Kagome blushed.
It was smaller then the room he had given her. All that was in it was a few pictures of her and his parents on a small white dresser. The room was carpeted with a deep red carpet and there was a closet opposite to the door, the walls were a brighter red then the carpet and didn't have much on them, excepted for a few shelf's were he kept figures of dragons and stuff that interested him. The only other furniture in the room was the bed. It had a black confuter and red silk sheets. The pillow was a silky red, Kagome's blush deepened.
" Inu-yasha… get your swim trunks ok?" She asked him softly, trying not to startle him. He knotted and went over to the white dresser and pulled out black swimming trunks. He came back to her and took her hand again like a child. Kagome looked up at him to sure how to respond to him when he was like this.
"Ah… come on lets get you in to that bath." She said and she walked with him back to the bathroom that was just down the hall from his room. Kagome walked in and started the water, making sure it wasn't to hot and put the stopper in to the drain. When she looked back at Inu-yasha he had already removed his shirt. Kagome gawked at him. Sure she had seen his chest before but not like this, not with his staring at her as if he were lost some where deep inside himself and only she could help him. But she couldn't stop looking at his wash board abs. Kagome gulped as she noticed his nipples were a soft bronze, and that when he shivered his muscles rippled from his chest to his abs and then further down.
Kagome couldn't stop staring. He was so beautiful, and then she noticed that at his navel a thin line of silky silver hair ran down to the his stomach to stop at his jeans. Kagome gulped again and her eyes shot up to his face. The blush on her cheeks deepened. She looked down at the black swimming trunks in his hand. How was she going to get them on him when he wouldn't let her out of his sight? Her eyes were as wide as dinner plates as she thought about this. How in the hell was she going to get him…. Him naked to put on the trunks? She had to get him NAKED!
Sorry it took so long, thanks for all the re-views. I have a hard time with putting away knifes, so I put my feelings in to Inu-yasha I hope you can relate or I'm just a bigger freak because of that. sigh Well please review. I'll try to up date sooner. Thanks again to all that reviewed.