thanks to my lovely betas, hypnotic ink and Alabaster Princess. You girls rock!
13 Welcome to my nightmare
Severus returned to Hogwarts only minutes before curfew. He entered the castle unnoticed and hurried down the staircase to the dungeons. Fortunately, the corridors were almost deserted, since he wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone now. Unlike most of the other boys, he preferred to not boast with his experience- and what an experience it had been! Exciting, overwhelming, and somewhat embarrassing.
Of course, he told Lucius he could not accept his generous offer. He wasn't a charity case, he didn't need others to buy him anything, and most definitely not sexual experience. His pride told him to leave Madam Marguerite's the very moment he'd figured out the nature of this establishment, but his treacherous teenage body had made him stay. Naturally, he was curious. He was also very aware of the fact that his physical appearance wouldn't win him a fair witch's heart; he wasn't as handsome as pretty boy Black nor as athletic as the Quidditch champion Potter. This was his chance- not only to get laid, but also of being accepted in the elitist circles of pure-blood society. He had to stand his man. It just wouldn't do to be prissy about the situation, only because he had always dreamed his first time would be with Lily. But most certainly the Dark Lord wouldn't admit a sissy into his ranks and Severus knew that joining Lord Voldemort was his best chance if he wanted to achieve something in his life. It would gain him recognition, and then Lily would come to love him. But if gossip spread that he had fled a brothel, the taunting that was sure to follow would be merciless.
He didn't want to be called Snivellus for the rest of his life, and so he stayed.
The Slytherin common room was nearly empty, except for Lestrange sitting by the fireplace, doing some revising. Usually, Severus didn't mind her company, but today he would have preferred to be alone. He thought about Disillusioning himself so he could sneak to the bathroom unnoticed- he was feeling dirty somehow and in desperate need of a shower.
Alas, as usual, luck wasn't on his side. Or Lestrange had sort of a magical radar for spotting him when he wasn't in the mood for her idle chit-chat. And of course she wanted to know where he had been.
"That's none of your business," he snapped, but almost regretted it when he saw her face fall. Yes, they were friends and she was not to blame for his mood- he knew that and yet, was a moment of solitude really too much to ask for?
I'm sorry for worrying about you when you were gone all day with Lucius Malfoy, Raven wanted to snap back, because she had indeed been worrying about him, that he'd do something incredibly stupid like joining the Dark Lord. But then she scented the faint whiff of cheap perfume wafting from him and she almost laughed out loud with relief, because she now had an idea where he had been- or, to be more precise, where Malfoy had taken him. Naturally, as a member of a proud pure-blood house, she knew about some pure-blood traditions. After all, her fellow house mates talked about traditions all the time and the girls in her dormitory gossiped a lot when they thought Raven was fast asleep.
Usually, it was the father who took his son to a house of pleasure, for the pure-blood offspring to learn how to wield his wand and become a man, but it wasn't unheard of either that an elder brother or a mentor filled in when it came to the introduction to life part.
She knew very well that this wasn't about love at all, and yet the very notion that Severus had just been laid caused a nasty sting in her heart, and she was almost jealous at the whore who had been given the favour of making him a man. If he wanted to gain experience, why hadn't he asked her?She would have been more than willing to comply to his needs.
But the expression on his face told her he wasn't overly happy with the outcome of circumstances either, and that the whole situation had been sort of forced upon him by Lucius Malfoy. Anyway, that was still so much better than having to face her worst concern.
"I... I'll take a shower now," Severus managed to stammer, not quite like his usual eloquent self. What undid him most was the way Lestrange glanced at him, knowingly, without asking any more questions as if she had already figured him out. She knew what he had done. And that was probably what gave him the creeps and made him feel even more dirty than before.
He could smell it now, the cheap perfume of the girl- whore- was still lingering on him as a reminder of what he had experienced, and he quickly scampered off for the bathroom. Never in his life had he needed a hot shower that much!
It was so embarrassing! While taking a shower, his body reacted in remembrance of memories he wanted to forget, and he looked down at his private parts in disgust. Was he really that weak? Of course, the teenager in him was thrilled about his first shag, the way it had felt to spill himself into-No. He discarded those thoughts just as quickly as they popped up in his mind. He wouldn't get anywhere in life if he was wearing his heart on his sleeve, and besides, the girl meant nothing to him. She wasn't Lily. Actually, she was the complete opposite of Lily- but she had been sweet and kind, making him feel wanted...
Severus gave his body a hard scrub to dispel any erotic thoughts he was having due to her rosy cheeks, her soft blonde hair, the way she had aroused him... a pretty little dunderhead. Not at all like Lily. Not even like Lestrange- why was he thinking about her now? True, he still remembered his body reacting to her that day she had sought his comfort, cuddling up to him, but that was just a natural reaction of a pubescent teenager enjoying the warmth and proximity of a female body in his arms. It didn't mean anything. He wasn't in love with Lestrange. He appreciated her company most of the time, but that was it. She wasn't Lily.
Winter turned to spring, and many of the fifth years were starting to panic because the OWLs were inevitably drawing closer. The Marauders didn't seem to care- probably they thought that hexing students in the corridors or outside on the grounds was just another form of revising- while some of their female class mates had to be taken to Madam Pomfrey for a Calming Draught.
Lily insisted on studying hard since she intended to pass her OWLs with top marks. Severus didn't mind at all. He wanted to do exceptionally well in his exams, too, and every minute spent with Lily was precious. Usually, Raven would join them in the library. She also had high aims, but most of all she enjoyed spending time with Severus.
On a pleasantly warm and sunny spring day, Lily persuaded Severus to meet her outside at the lake for studying, and he had given in simply because he couldn't refuse her request. He would have preferred to stay inside, in the library, but things were strained enough between them recently that he didn't wish to argue about something as meaningless.
So he was sitting at the lake now, waiting for Lily to show up while reading in his favourite book. Advanced Potion-Making by Libatius Borage, his mother's old textbook. And although he wouldn't start with Advanced Potions until next year, he already knew most of the potions anyway; he had even scribbled down alterations to the text where he thought Borage's methods were ineffective. Also, the margins were filled with his spidery crawl about the spells he was working on. Some of them, like Levicorpus, were quite popular among his peers- much to his dismay, since Potter and his gang of unimaginative idiots just loved to use Severus' own creations on him.
Thinking of Potter, he came up with an idea. He had just written down the word 'for enemies' when Lily and Raven were approaching him.
"Hi Sev," Raven chimed cheerfully as she unceremoniously let herself drop on a blotch of fresh green grass next to him. Stretching her legs, she popped herself up on her elbows and sighed contentedly. "What a beautiful day! I'm so glad it's finally getting warmer."
"What are you reading?" Lily asked.
Severus closed the book to show her the cover, but she had already noticed that he sought to hide something from her and indeed, he didn't want her to see the spells he was working on because he knew she wouldn't approve anyway. Alas, when Lily was determined to get her way there was hardly a way to stop her. She snatched the book from his hands and started flickering through its pages.
"Hey, give it back!"
"What's that? Langlock?" Lily read, frowning.
Raven was glad that Lily hadn't pointed her wand at them while speaking the incantation, because then they wouldn't have been able to answer.
"Nothing." Severus said with a mulish scowl as he grabbed back his book and placed it where his best friend couldn't reach it.
"Nothing? It sounds like a spell to me."
"It's more like a jinx, actually," Raven interfered helpfully, but that didn't please Lily either.
"You know?" She snapped incredulously. "Don't you know it's dangerous, playing around with magic?"
"I beg your pardon?" Raven sat up. She had absolutely no clue why Lily was making such a fuss now, but she was soon to learn as her friend started to lecture about rules, regulations and responsibility. Why can't she just see how brilliant he is? She wondered, and then she was glad that Lily didn't because otherwise she would have definitely lost the boy she loved to her rival. Nevertheless, she wished that Lily would be just as fierce when it was about condemning Potter and his miscreants. But no, they were apparently allowed to taunt Severus, and to attack him four on one, and it was always his fault. Was she really too thick to see why he was inventing all these spells?
"It's not approved!" Lily concluded.
"Ah, and who approves to what is right and what is wrong?"
"Do you ever pay attention in your Defence against the Dark Arts classes? The Ministry of-"
"Are you referring to the bunch of corrupt bureaucrats and their arbitrary whims of ruling the wizarding world, without ever having been properly elected in a free and democratic election? Actually, just any freak could take over the Ministry, as long as he or she is powerful enough."
"You refuse to understand the seriousness of my concern! To me it seems you are merely looking for excuses, but the Dark Arts are dangerous."
"True," Raven agreed, which made Lily smile quite self-righteously, while Severus was still sitting there rooted to the spot, listening with curiosity to the argument of the two witches. He was surprised to detect a fair hint of suppressed animosity towards Lily in Raven's voice, which he had never noticed before, and he wondered about that.
"But we're talking about magic in general," Raven continued, "and the magic is within us. It's neither black nor white, it just is. Therefore we're not playing around with some uncontrollable force- of course, we're here at Hogwarts to learn how to master and hone our skills. But... well, why not draw a comparison to... er, learning to play an instrument, for example? You can learn to read the notes and you'll be able to cover the melodies someone else wrote, but being a great guitarist means to work creatively and with originality, which requests talent to improvise-"
"You're much too focussed on your stupid music groups!" Lily cut in.
"Alright, then take Muggle science as another example. We'd still be living in mediaeval times had not some bright mind come up with electricity-"
"You cannot compare that! Electricity is not evil whereas the Dark Arts are, and experimenting with magic is dangerous. You refuse to understand my point."
"As you refuse to understand mine. But it's always the narrow-minded moralists who misunderstand the brilliance of a mind and cry evil at everything they don't know- just like Galileo was made to recant his theory that the sun moves around the earth."
"There's no point in discussing this topic any longer if you fail to see reason. I worry about Severus whereas you seem to support the dark way he is heading. And I thought you were his friend," Lily said sadly as she ended the discussion by turning around and walking away.
Severus was angry and disappointed- he had been looking forward to spend some time with Lily, and first he blamed Raven for making her leave. But why did Lily always have to nag about the things he did? The spells he created, the people he was hanging around with?
"Real friends shouldn't have to change just to please the other," Raven mumbled almost inaudible as she watched Lily leaving. She didn't get that far, though. After a few steps she ran straight into James Potter. Now where did that git came from? Was he spying on them?
Potter spread his arms out wide but Lily managed to skip his embrace.
"Oi, Evans, tell me that the greasy oddball is bothering you and it'll be my pleasure to hex him into next week," he offered, cocking a flirtatious brow at her.
Severus jumped to his feet. The very idea that Potter might fancy Lily made his stomach churn. Oh, he despised this Gryffindork so very much! Bloody James Potter, the popular Quidditch champion, the pretty rich boy- now he'd have to work even harder at his skills to become powerful and therefore worthy of Lily's love.
"Leave me alone," Lily sobbed as she brushed past Potter, and the thought that she was probably crying because of him almost broke Severus' heart. She had expressed her worries, which meant she cared for him- on the other hand, he had heard what Raven had said about friends...
"What have you done to her, Snivellus?" Potter demanded. He planted himself in front of Severus, his cronies lurking behind his back.
"Mind your own business, Potter," Severus sneered while surreptitiously fingering for his wand.
"Since Evans is in my house and you are naught but a slimy Slytherin, this is my business."
"Just sod off!" Raven interjected as she stood by Severus' side. She was still mightily upset from the argument with Lily and therefore in the right mood to give some vent, even if she knew she was in an inferior position when it came to duelling the Marauders. But with Sev at her side she felt strong.
"Nobody talked to you, Fat Crow." Potter aimed his wand at her.
"Expelliarmus!" Severus shouted.
The spell did not only cause Potter's wand to fly out of his hand, it also send him backwards, tumbling into his cronies. Pettigrew lost balance and landed in the grass. Lupin appeared flabbergasted, trying to figure out what was the right thing to do now. Considering he was a prefect, he should have intervened to end the impending fight. But that was apparently not in his nature. He just watched Black firing a jinx at Snape.
"Protego!" Raven yelled, blocking Black's jinx before it could harm Severus.
Meanwhile, Potter had retrieved his wand and gotten to his feet again. Now he laughed out loud. "Isn't that cute? The ugly git needs a fat crow to protect him and they live happily ever after in grease!"
"He he," Pettigrew snickered. "Good one, James! In grease, he he..."
"Well, greasy hair can be washed," Raven snapped, glaring at Pettigrew whom she despised even more than Potter, simply because of his attitude to brown-nose the biggest bully in the playground so he'd be off the hook, "but the slime trail you're leaving in your wake is everlasting."
"Great, let's wash the greasy hair," Potter cheered and shouted, "Aguamenti!"
A fountain of water shot from his wand, aimed directly at Severus. Before he could take cover, Black cast an Impediment Curse on him that slowed him down, so the jet of water hit him straight in the face.
Pettigrew giggled almost hysterical now, bopping up and down with delight. But only an instant later his face fell and he appeared as if he was choking on something. He gagged, vomiting a fat, slimy slug... it was the first of many to follow.
Potter and Black didn't pay him much heed, although Pettigrew was frantically looking at them. He would have called for help if only he could, but every time he opened his mouth to speak, he had to throw up another of the slimy slugs.
Raven smirked wickedly.
In the meantime, Severus had managed to counter Black's curse- though with difficulties, since Potter was still giving him a shower. Nevertheless, he raised his wand and fired a Revulsion Jinx at Potter; it came with a flash of purple light and caused the Gryffindor to back off. The air was suddenly filled with the sizzling sound of water dripping on a hot stone as Severus' wand emitted fiery sparks, and then the steam of evaporating water took on the form of a large serpent that spiralled up high before whooshing down again to attack Potter.
Almost at the same time, Black noticed that Raven must have hexed Pettigrew (since he was vomiting slugs) so he turned to hex her in return. It didn't go quite as well as expected, because he threatened her with a large bouquet of flowers- orchids, to be more precise.
"Growing soft, Black?" Raven sneered at him. Alright, he was kind of cute, the way he stared flabbergasted at the orchids, and mayhap that was a poor attempt at flirting with her, although- Merlin forbid- he would never openly admit any interest in her. After all, she was a Slytherin and he was a Gryffindor. It was even possible that he thought her pretty or wondered how it would be to bed her, and it was true, he did have a delicious bum, but that fact seemed to pale in comparison to his obvious character flaws.
He attempted to send a Jelly-Fingers curse at her so that she would lose grip of her wand, but all he managed was a Jelly-Legs Jinx. So now her feet started to wobble uncontrollably and she almost stumbled to the ground with her wand still directed at him.
For a short moment they just stared at each other. Lupin was awkwardly patting Pettigrew's back as the boy cringed while continuing to vomit slugs. Potter fired some spells at Severus which he all blocked. Black decided it was about time to help his mate and so he turned away from Raven.
But before he could interfere in the duel an over-sized boarhound dog came yapping, excitedly wagging its tail. It sniffed at Black and looked expectantly at the young wizard; its 'woof' sounded like an invitation. Come and play with me.
There was something strangely off with the dog's behaviour- Raven couldn't quiet put her fingers on what it was precisely. Of course, the dog belonged to Hagrid, the gamekeeper, and the Marauders were familiar with him, so naturally the beast would recognise Black.
"Hullo boys!" Hagrid shouted jovially as he appeared at the scene. "You alright?"
Potter and Black lowered their wands to flash Hagrid an innocent smile, then Potter suddenly raised an accusing finger at Severus. "Snape hexed Peter! He's belching up slugs!"
"I didn't!" Severus protested. He had quickly hidden his wand, not wanting to stand out as the aggressor of this fight- which he wasn't. The Gryffindors had started it. But it wasn't likely that anybody believed him, and especially not this big oaf. Fortunately, Hagrid wasn't a teacher, so he couldn't give detentions or take points. He merely came up with the very wise idea that the Marauders should take their slug-vomiting mate to the infirmary. And so they morosely toddled off, Pettigrew in their middle.
Severus was mightily pissed off when they walked back to the castle, and although that wasn't anything new, it surprised Raven that his anger was directed at her.
"I didn't need your help!"
"I beg your pardon?"
"Stop interfering-"
"Would you prefer me to stand by and watch them hexing you?"
"They think I'm weak, a coward, if a witch has to come for my defence."
Now Raven bristled. "Stop!" She was in front of him and blocked his way, grabbing his arms. "You will stop and listen to me. And you will stop being such a stupid git. The only ones who act cowardly are these blasted Marauders because they always attack four on one. What's your problem, Sev? It's not a sign of weakness if you accept the help of a friend. You can't expect me to watch them bullying you if there's a better chance of defeating them when it's four on two. And please don't come up with such crap that I'm just a girl."
"But-"
"I don't want to hear any buts. I'm your friend, Sev, and friends help each other. Get used to it."
Severus shook off Raven's hands and walked on, mulling over her words. His best friend was Lily, but Lily had never actively joined in a fight with the Marauders. She would chide him for letting them provoke him, and she would remind him of the rule that duelling wasn't allowed in the corridors or in the grounds.
After walking in silence until they reached the entrance door, Severus suddenly cocked a brow at Raven. "What was that spell you used on Pettigrew?"
Raven laughed and linked arms with him. As they headed for the dungeons, she told him all about that particular spell.
The Whomping Willow was a tree planted alone in the middle of the school grounds. It was a very violent representative of its kind because it attacked anyone who came near the reach of its branches, but that wouldn't stop kids from playing a game, trying to get close enough to touch the trunk. But when a boy almost lost an eye in this game, the students of Hogwarts were forbidden to go near that dangerous tree.
"Is it full moon again?" Severus asked as he spotted Madam Pomfrey leading Lupin towards the willow. The tree lashed out at her but suddenly it stopped as if paralysed.
"Hm," Raven replied. She would have to check the moon calender again, but according to her notes there was indeed a strange coincidence with the mysterious illness of Lupin (or his mother), his monthly disappearance and the full moon. She glanced at Severus. "Do you know that Remus was one of the twin founders of Rome? In myth, Romulus and Remus were left to die in the wild but they were found by a she-wolf who suckled them."
"Ugh."
"Yeah- gross, isn't it?"
"I want to know where they're going," Severus muttered, suspicious of everything a Marauder was doing since they were notorious rule-breakers and he wanted nothing more than getting them expelled. It had become a fixed idea of his, almost an obsession.
Therefore he wasn't thinking quite clearly when he overheard Black telling Pettigrew about a trick, that all you had to do was to prod the knot on the tree-trunk and the Whomping Willow would let you in to a tunnel, a secret passageway...
That was all Severus needed to know. He would find out the secret about Lupin's monthly disappearance.
"Why are you telling me that, Sirius?" Pettigrew asked kind of confused, because he knew that already.
Black just chuckled and patted his friend's shoulder. Then he said, "'cause the greasy git was lurking around the corner, spying on us. Snivellus is trying to get us expelled, and we can't let that happen, can we?"
"Splendid idea, Sirius!" Pettigrew gushed. "You're so very right- we can't let that happen."
"What can we not let happen?" Potter interjected as he joined his friends. Curiously, he glanced from Peter to Sirius, who wore a smug smile on his face.
"Mate, I just came up with a brilliant solution to rid us off that slimy Slytherin." Black told him, but to his surprise, James wasn't pleased with his brilliant idea at all.
"Dear Merlin," he gasped, "we have to stop him! What if Snape finds out about Remus the hard way? They will blame Remus- and we'll all end up in Azkaban."
Raven was anxiously waiting for Severus. She hadn't seen him all afternoon, had missed him at dinner, and now it was already past curfew and he still hadn't returned to the Slytherin common room. All of her fellow house-mates had gone to bed already, but she was sitting by the fireplace, waiting for him.
She pretended to be reading a book; she didn't even know its title. The letters made no sense to her, as if they were refusing to form coherent words or sentences. Instead they kept on blurring into meaninglessness...
What has happened?
She knew he was hoping to get the Marauders expelled, but that was just as crazed an idea of his as it was to hope for Lily Evans to fall in love with him. None of it would come true. Oh, she really hoped he wasn't doing anything stupid!
It was full moon- and that worried her the most. Severus was so keen on finding out where Lupin was going every month at the full moon. They said he was ill, or his mother was ill, but there was only one disease that befell people each full moon. Lycanthropy. The transformation of a human being into a wolf. A beast. A werewolf.
Somehow Raven failed to see a beast in Lupin, the boy who always stood aside when his friends hexed Severus Lupin, the prefect, who feared to exercise control over his buddies in case they might think him a spoil sport.
She shook her head. It didn't seem to fit and yet there was no better theory.
If only Sev had bothered to tell her what he was up to. But no, he seemed to believe he had to handle everything on his own, instead of relying on her friendship. What are friends for if they don't stand by each other? She wondered, and it made her feel a little sad to imagine that he didn't trust her completely.
The door of the common room opened and Severus came in. Finally! Raven stood- and noticed immediately that something was very, very wrong. He looked horrible, like death warmed over. Although he was always pale, now he was as white as a sheet which made his black eyes appear even bigger, darker- colder. So utterly lost, but at the same time also very agitated as if he was in an inner turmoil and something was wearing him down, eating him up from inside.
She had seen pictures of shell-shocked soldiers coming home from a war, and he reminded her of them.
"Sev! What in Merlin's name happened to you?"
He wanted to push her aside or yell at her to leave him alone, but he lacked the energy to do so. Severus despised himself for being so weak. He wanted to hex her, hex anyone and give vent to his anger and frustration, but most of all he wanted the peace of mind she offered when she opened her arms for him. Of course, he could have still brushed past her... if only he weren't so very tired. Weary to the bone and emotionally exhausted, he let her hold him, and he only realized now, in the safety of her hug, that he was shaking all over. So miserably weak...
She just held him, fortunately without babbling, without uttering a single word. And it felt good being held by her. Lestrange was so warm- he hadn't noticed how cold he was. It was the sort of coldness that chilled you from deep inside, making you numb, unfeeling and calloused; an iciness that ate your heart and soul and spat you out emotionally crippled.
She gave him warmth. Like a gentle summer breeze trickling through his veins, she radiated a warmth that came along with compassion. Slowly, she ushered him to a sofa and made him sit down. Then she called for Pinkie to bring them some tea. His hands were trembling as he held the teacup in his hands; he stared at them in bewilderment.
"What happened, Sev?"
Her voice was soft and comforting, but it sounded as if it came from a long distance. Besides, he didn't need comfort. He didn't want to be weak, he needed to be strong. Only fools showed their emotions and he wasn't a fool. Alas, he wasn't that strong either.
"Can't tell ya," Severus muttered, barely looking at the girl. His hair, lank, dirty and greasy, fell in curtains to hide his face.
"All right." She sounded disappointed because he didn't seem to trust her. But things weren't that easy. He trusted her- probably more than anyone else except Lily. And yet he couldn't tell Raven. He just couldn't. He wasn't allowed to.
"I can't... believe me, I would if I could... but..."
She reached out and caressed his dirty, greasy hair, tucking a strand behind his ear so she could look at him. It was a gesture that almost undid him. He had to swallow hard to not start weeping, and he hated himself for lacking self-control.
Finally, Severus lifted his eyes to meet hers for a brief moment. She caught a fleeting glimpse of his deep, inner turmoil. He was agitated and almost dying to tell her why, but something kept him from speaking.
"You promised not to talk about what happened?"
She had a keen perception, he'd give her that. Severus nodded, feeling miserable. Here he was, almost choking on his urge to tell her- someone, anyone- what had transpired today.
"Hm," Raven mused aloud, studying his face, "am I right to assume that you didn't make that promise voluntarily?"
Again he nodded.
"And you promised not to talk about what happened?"
"Indeed."
"Well, I guess that means you could show me- provided you want to, that is."
The ghost of a smile curled up his lips as he grasped the meaning of her words. Legilimency! Now that train of thought was definitely worthy a Slytherin, since you could always trust a true Slytherin to come up with exceptions to a rule if it was to their benefit. And as warm-hearted and compassionate Lestrange was, deep within her she definitely possessed a certain cunningness that was very much to his liking.
"Look at me."
Darkness... a tunnel, dirty and low. The air was filled with a pungent stench- blood, urine... and something else, something feral and animalistic... Eyes in the dark, a yellowish gleam reflecting the spark of light at a wand tip... then a dangerous growl, raw and untamed, from a throat that wasn't human. The feeling of panic, of overwhelming fear. The urge to scream and run but moving in slow motion. A heart hammering like a drum. The beast came running; it reeked of fur and hunger, a lust for blood. Sharp fangs flashing up in the wand light, claws tearing open the ground of the tunnel as it came running; claws that could just as easily lacerate human flesh from the skin to the bones.
A horrible, blood-curdling scream-
Her heart was beating loud and fast, and she was drained in cold sweat when the mental connection broke down. With eyes wide open she stared at Severus. Never before had it been like that- never before had any of the things he had shown her in his mind been so vivid, so very, very realistic that it chilled her to the bone and made her flesh creep. She could feel his fear, his anxiety just as unfiltered as if she had actually experienced it herself.
Raven ran her hands across her face in shock before she glance at her friend again.
"Are you okay, Sev?"
He nodded wearily.
"Was that Lupin in the tunnel? Is he really a werewolf?" She shook her head and reached for his hand, taking it in her own. "Forget my questions. I know you're not allowed to affirm them. On the other hand, if you look at the moon calender it's not that hard to figure out the truth, isn't it? I mean, you suspected it anyway, didn't you?"
That was probably the worst part- having to admit that and wondering about his own stupidity, for having listened to Black. Severus should have known that the Gryffindor was up to no good. After all, they were enemies... and yet, who would have expected the animosity to run so deep that Black would actually try to kill him? Or worse... a cold shiver ran down his spine.
Hesitantly he told her how James Potter of all people had saved him- or, to be more precise- had saved his own neck and that of his cronies as well.
"But it wasn't Potter who made you promise not to tell that Lupin is a werewolf, right?"
Severus let out a mirthless chuckle which confirmed Raven's idea.
"Yeah, I almost thought so. You would have kicked his arse and laughed at him for even suggesting it. Okay, so that means that someone in a higher position must have told you to keep your mouth shut about Lupin's monthly problem. A teacher, perhaps? No, the Marauders wouldn't just run to any teacher in order to get that settled... Oh bloody hell- Dumbledore? The headmaster got wind of it and instead of protect the students- no." Raven fell silent for a moment before she came up with another train of thought. "The headmaster, in the kindness of his heart, persuaded the Hogwarts Board of Governors to let a beast into the school by pledging to keep it safe so it won't endanger the students, and instead of having to admit that his little pet project failed miserably, he preferred to shut you up. Of course, he claimed that he only had poor Lupin's well-being and academic career in mind."
Severus sneered. Indeed, it had been exactly like that. Poor Lupin- he's not to blame because he got bitten when he was a wee child; he never wanted to become a werewolf. But the teenage werewolf had almost killed him, Severus. Nevertheless, that fact didn't seem to matter. Because a Gryffindor werewolf was still so much better than any Slytherin lad. Of course, it would have been... regrettable... had he died or been infected with Lycanthropy- merely because it would have proven the headmaster wrong in his assumption that it was possible to keep a beast at school and ensuring the safety of the other students.
"Is there anything we can do?" Raven inquired. It didn't sit well with her that someone she had classes with almost every day was a werewolf, an untameable beast with sharp teeth and claws, something that could kill- and the headmaster treated him like a pet wolf. As something that had unfortunately developed a furry problem once a month.
Sev shook his head. "I'm not allowed to tell and you're not supposed to know. If rumours spread, it will be all my fault. I will have to face the consequences..."
And that would most definitely mean his expulsion from Hogwarts, and then he could forget about his OWLs and his NEWTs- his chance to become a respectable and powerful member of wizarding society. But most of all, it would separate him from Lily.
"But apparently the Marauders know, too," Raven interjected, interrupting his thoughts.
"Use your brain, Lestrange!" Severus snapped. "How likely is it for them to betray one of their own?"
"Point taken!" She fell silent, musing over something that still didn't seem to fit. "But... assuming the Marauders know that their mate Lupin is a werewolf- which is likely- why did any of them, and especially Potter of all people, take the risk of following you down that tunnel? I mean, Gryffindors aren't exactly known for considering the consequences of their actions when they decide to jump headlong into danger- but it was a downright stupid thing to do..."
"Dumbledore called it heroic and awarded Potter with a mention for bravery," Severus sneered, but he still felt like waking from a horrible nightmare, drenched in cold sweat. Infuriated, he withdrew his hand from Raven's grip. He wasn't weak. He was not holding hands with a girl. In a waspish tone he continued, "The oh-so-noble Gryffindor buffoon forgot about house animosities to save an erring Slytherin from unspecified dangers lurking down that tunnel by the Whomping Willow- that's what they will say- and it won't matter that Potter was just saving his own neck. And that of his cronies. They should be expelled."
"Yeah, it's just not fair..."
"Life isn't fair, Lestrange. Otherwise the price you have to pay for attempted murder would be more than just a few detentions."
She didn't want to defend the Marauders now- what Black had done wasn't just reckless behaviour; it was the deplorable deed of someone with a great potential for criminal energy. And yet, no one in his right state of mind- Gryffindor or not- would willingly go down a low dark tunnel, knowing that he'd come face to face with a fully fledged werewolf. But Potter had done that. Raven didn't believe it was his bad conscience that had driven him, nor that it was a desperate attempt to save his best friend's neck or to protect Lupin's little secret. He could have simply let Severus become werewolf dinner and then try to hush up things later, and perhaps the Marauders would have gotten away with it like they always did. Perhaps these things mattered to some extent, but the main reason Potter had gone down the tunnel was simply because he could. She wouldn't bet her life on it, nevertheless she was pretty certain that the Marauders must have found a way to face a werewolf without having to fear they get attacked by it.
Now, that was definitely an issue worthy of further research...
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