16- Changes
The next morning Severus was feeling awkward because he had fallen asleep on the sofa in Raven's room, which was inappropriate behaviour. Even more so since he noticed an unwanted sensation in his nether regions and he cursed his treacherous body. There always was a great discrepancy between body and mind (or heart), especially early in the mornings, and while his mind told him he wasn't interested in Raven- at least not romantically, although she looked quite appealing with her sleep-tousled hair- because he loved Lily, his body didn't give a damn about love. It just wanted, yearned. Totally appalled with himself, he mumbled an excuse and fled to the bathroom for a cold shower.
A while later he walked down the staircase , showered and dressed, to hear Mrs Lestrange humming in the kitchen. Knowing that politeness required it, Severus wished her a good morning.
"Oh, good morning to you, too," the witch said as she turned to smile at him. "Did you sleep well, Severus?"
He mumbled a reply in the affirmative, but didn't tell her he had fallen asleep on the sofa in her daughter's room since he doubted she would appreciate that. Nevertheless, he felt like he had violated her hospitality.
"What would you like for breakfast, dear?"
Sometimes the Lestranges were so caring it was annoying... Although he had always craved for some more loving attention at home, this was almost too much. It overtaxed him. Why were they so nice to him? What was in it for them? If he were from a noble family, popular and a bloody Quidditch champion, he would understood their affection because then it would be a privilege to host him- but he was merely a half-blood from the dunghill of Spinner's End and therefore, there was no advantage for the Lestranges.
Raven's mother was still smiling at him, waiting for an answer. "Erm... anything... I don't want to be a bother-"
"Nonsense," Mrs Lestrange cut in. "You're most definitely not a bother. Actually, we're glad to have you, and you can stay as long as you want. I spoke to your mother again, she doesn't mind."
It was probably the strangest summer ever for Severus. While he stayed with the Lestranges in London, Raven took him to the world of Muggle music, to her favourite record stores and even to some clubs. Together they walked Diagon Alley and had ice cream at Fortescue's, but they also went for a forbidden stroll in Knockturn Alley.
When Severus finally returned home, it came as a great surprise to learn that his father had found a new job; he was working at a grocery now and was therefore gone all day. When he came back in the evenings, he often brought along a bag with fruits and vegetables that weren't fresh enough to sell to customers but still edible.
Nevertheless, mother always found a reason to nag, so the fights in the evenings were inevitable.
Lily still refused to talk to Severus. She didn't visit their spot at the river anymore, and the one time he went to her house, her awful sister threatened to call the police if he ever showed up there again.
He felt like falling into a deep, dark, bottomless hole. With Lily gone from his life, it was as if the sun wasn't shining anymore and Severus soon forgot those almost carefree days he had spent in London. Why should he care about stupid Muggle music if the love of his life had cut all ties with him? No Muggle music would help him to win back Lily's friendship, her affection, and he craved for that almost as much as one needed air to breathe. Therefore, he had to revert to his original plan. He had to join the ranks of the Dark Lord and rise in his organisation, he had to gain influence and recognition, because only when he became a prestigious, powerful wizard, Lily would come to love him.
Severus thought himself a very lucky wizard when he received an invitation from Lucius Malfoy to come and spend some time at Malfoy Manor. Needless to say, he accepted it. And for the first time since he could recall, mother seemed to be happy for him, because the Malfoys were such a well-esteemed wizarding family.
There was a sparkle in her eyes as she said, "Of course, you will go. It's about time the Malfoys recognise you as one of their peers, the offspring of a very old and noble pure-blood family. You should be proud to be a Prince..."
Severus didn't even know his maternal grandparents or any other magical relatives. As far as he knew, they had disinherited Eileen for marrying a Muggle, and they had never cared about him. He wondered what he should be proud of.
"… even if you're only half a Prince, you still belong to the finest circles of wizarding society. You are not a filthy Muggle like your father."
Why did she marry him at all? Severus pondered not for the first time in his life. But he was grateful to be given a chance. Lucius was a very well-connected man, with his help he might get accepted within the ranks of the Dark Lord.
He was grateful that Lucius gave him the chance to learn all the things he needed to know in order to not make a fool of himself, due to his lowly heritage, when in the company of elitist pure-bloods- from impeccable table manners over dancing lessons to ideology. And under the pretence of friendship, Lucius indoctrinated him with the racist ideas of supremacists, tried to drum it into him that Muggles were inferior to wizards because they had no magic.
At first, Severus agreed to it. Lucius' reasoning made perfect sense to him and besides, all of his house mates were of the same opinion. Well, all except one... but he refused to think of Lestrange and her obvious weakness for Muggle Music and lifestyle now. Instead, he kept telling himself he was only doing this for Lily.
Nevertheless, the training sessions in Dark Arts seemed to stand in a stark contrast with learning how to waltz or what glass to use for which wine. More and more he gained the impression that he was in a summer camp for future Death Eaters, and that they were not just a political group (as he had always thought), when one day he overheard a conversation between Lucius and his brother-in-law, Rodolphus Lestrange. They were talking about terrorizing Muggles and they made it sound as if it was a sport to them.
A heavy feeling of unease crept over him, mingled with doubts if he was really doing the right thing. Hastily, Severus retreated to his room to ponder about the things he'd just heard.
As far as he knew, the Dark Lord had never openly supported the torture of Muggles, although he definitely supported the ideology that wizards were superior to Muggles. And then, Severus recalled a conversation with Mr- please call me Chris- Lestrange...
'What's that?' Severus asked curiously, pointing at a strange sort of box Mr Lestrange was painting in the garage.
'I call it Vanishing Cabinet, because I make things or people disappear with it. I use it on stage.'
Severus took a closer look at it, then he scowled at the Muggle. 'You can't really vanish people with it. It's a fake. You're a trickster! There's a false bottom, a secret door!'
'Well, I prefer the term Illusionist,' Mr Lestrange- Chris- said nonchalantly, giving Severus a wink. Then he reached out and made it appear as though he pulled a coin out of Severus' ear.
'It's a trick!'
'Sure it's a trick.' Chris threw the coin up in the air and it seemed to disappear.
Severus was gnawing at his bottom lip, a sullen expression clouded his face. He drew his wand. 'Accio coin!'
The coin flew from Mr Lestrange's jeans pocket- however it had gotten there- into his open palm. Severus smirked. 'That is magic.'
He wasn't quite certain though what he had wanted to prove with his little demonstration of magic.
'Congratulation, you just won yourself fifty pence,' Chris said with a smile. 'Severus, I know that I'm not a wizard...'
'Doesn't it bother you? I mean- you pretend to be one but you have no magic... no power.' Severus fell silent, hoping he hadn't offended the man who had been a great host to him so far.
'Why, no, it doesn't bother me at all. After all, if I were a wizard I couldn't do my job anymore.'
Severus shot him a bewildered glance. Chris lit a cigarette and exhaled bluish-grey smoke rings before he sat down on a bench, inviting the young man to take a seat.
'Alright, let me explain this to you. True, it's all tricks that I'm doing and yet there's so much more to it. You know, Muggles- and perhaps wizards, too- tend to develop a certain nostalgia in regard to their childhood, especially when they grow older. They consider it as a time when everything was easy, when they were innocent and still believed in Father Christmas- or in magic. Of course, they will soon learn that Father Christmas was a lie, dressed in father's red coat and a white beard. For a while, they forget about the magic of their childhood because they have to realize that magic doesn't exist. But the desire to believe in magic never leaves completely, so they come to my shows. And I give them the illusion. For one or two hours, I can make them forget about their dull nine to five jobs, their dull lives. The next morning, they wake up with a smile on their face.
'You say I have no power? I beg to differ, Severus. I consider it as a great gift to make people smile. I could have become a bank manager, a lawyer, or even a politician and made loads of money- my parents would have loved that. But money, influence or power doesn't make people happy; I think, in the end, it only makes them lonely.
'I know, you may not agree to my philosophy of life, and I don't mind. Like most young men, you probably have your hopes up high to achieve something special in your life, and I approve of that. But please keep in mind that the easiest way isn't always the best. I think you know that, too, and I have faith in you, Severus, that you will make your way.'
Christopher Lestrange had taken his time and talked to him, had explained things to him without judging or lecturing him. He had not given him a moral sermon about right and wrong or what a good boy should do. For the first time ever, Severus had been taken serious by someone who was his senior. And as much as he tried, Severus just couldn't find any fault in Chris' attitude, despite him being a Muggle.
Merlin, he felt so torn. What was he supposed to do? On the one hand, he still wanted to join the ranks of the Dark Lord, wanted to gain fame and recognition in order to win Lily's heart, and besides, the Dark Arts were so very tempting... On the other hand, the conversation between Rodolphus and Lucius had startled him. Severus failed to imagine that terrorizing Muggles just for the sake of it would ever become one of his favourite pastimes. All he wanted was to become a powerful wizard that no one would ever dare to bully again.
And so he stayed at Malfoy Manor. It wouldn't be wise to leave earlier anyway or it would arouse suspicion, and he couldn't use that.
Occasionally, his conscience would be nagging him. Did he really believe in pure-blood supremacy? A couple of weeks ago he would have possibly agreed to their ideology that Muggles were inferior to wizards, but Severus had met some fairly agreeable people while Raven had dragged him through Muggle London's music scene. And Chris had treated him with great kindness and respect- but then again, Chris was a hippie. He believed in love and peace, and he was wearing his heart on his sleeves. In Slytherin house, that was considered a great weakness... strangely, though, Chris hadn't appeared any weak to him but more like someone with a well-balanced personality. So not all Muggles were bad. Probably there were as many decent Muggles as there were brash, bullying wizards.
True, Severus despised his Muggle father. Tobias Snape was a lazy sod of a drunkard who yelled and tyrannized his family- but to be fair, even he had behaved rather agreeable recently. At least he didn't get pissed every evening now that he'd found a new job...
Nevertheless, Severus was reluctant to go back home when the time came, although he didn't want to stay at Malfoy Manor any longer, either. But Spinner's End would always remind him of Lily, and what he had lost.
One morning, an owl arrived at Spinner's End, carrying a large envelope. Much to Tobias' dismay, it landed on the kitchen table and ruffled its feathers.
"I don't want these bloody beasts in me house," he huffed exaggerated, batting at the tawny owl with his rolled-up copy of The Sun, "when'll ya freaks ever learn to use proper ways of mailin'? What's so fucking wrong with the good ol' Royal Mail?"
Eileen gave her husband a cold sneer that seemed to express all her disregard of him, before she focussed on her son. With an expectant nod she encouraged him to open the envelope carrying the Hogwarts crest.
He knew it contained his OWL results. Severus' fingers were trembling with anticipation and dread alike as he cracked open the seal. He didn't notice that Tobias was watching him, too.
Severus held his breath as he unfolded the parchment, then he released it in relief when he realized he had done well. He had Pass Grades in all of his classes, and not a single mark was below E; he had even achieved Outstanding in five classes, including Potions, Defence Against the Dark Arts, Herbology, Arithmancy and Charms. A wry smile curled up his lips.
That moment, the telephone rang. It was a shrill sound, not common to be heard in the Snapes' home, because more often than not the telephone was cut off due to unpaid bills. Apparently not any more, as it seemed.
Tobias picked up the receiver and answered the call by barking a very unfriendly 'hello,' then he passed the phone on to his son, mumbling grumpily, "For you."
Eileen wore a sullen expression on her face. It didn't sit well with her that her son was using Muggle means of communication, because that wasn't appropriate for a young wizard. Despite living in the Muggle world and being married to a Muggle for years now, she still hadn't gotten used to Muggle technology; she still believed in the superiority of the wizarding world.
And while she blamed her useless husband for corrupting her son, for obviously making the boy forget about the traditions of their peers, Severus was listening to Raven cheerfully prattling on about her OWL results.
"…I failed Astronomy- as expected, but who needs it anyway?- but I got Pass Grades in all of my other classes, including Transfiguration. And guess what! I even managed to get an E in Potions, thanks to you!"
Unaware of his mother's absurd thoughts (after all, he hadn't spent any time with his father in years, therefore it was unlikely to be corrupted by him) Severus told Lestrange that he hadn't done anything she needed to be grateful for. "You studied hard and you sat your exam. If you did well, congratulations are in order."
"Yeah, but you had faith in my brewing skills, Sev, and now I want to celebrate- what's that noise in the background?"
He didn't answer. Mother and father were fighting again, shouting at each other... whatever the reason was now.
"You alright?" Raven asked. No way she could miss the pandemonium that was everyday life at Spinner's End. "Can we meet somewhere?"
Severus was definitely not in the mood to celebrate, nevertheless the idea of getting out of here sounded tempting. He wished he'd already had his Apparition licence because then it would merely take the blink of an eye to disappear.
"I could take the Knight Bus," he offered hesitantly, although he didn't have the required fare of eleven sickles; all he had was a fifty pence coin.
"Don't bother, Sev. I'll come around," Raven chirped cheerfully. "See you soon!"
"NO!" Severus yelled into the receiver, but too late; she had already hung up. Damned! If that insufferable witch had set her mind on something, there was no way to stop her. True, sometimes he appreciated her determination, and he was even looking forward to see her- but he didn't want her to come here. He didn't want her to see how he lived... Lily had never been to his home. All those years he'd been friends with her, he had managed to keep her away and now Raven would soon be knocking at the door and his parents were still fighting. And how the hell had they come from the advantages or disadvantages of the Royal Mail (in comparison to wizarding ways of communication) to mother accusing father of making eyes at the owner of that grocery shop? Why did she care at all? He was a filthy Muggle to her, she should be glad to get rid of him. Severus shook his head- he would never understand his parents.
Then came the inescapable knock at the door and it came surprisingly soon. Severus hastened to answer it, hoping he could prevent Raven from entering the house so she wouldn't have to witness his parents shouting at each other. Strangely though, they fell silent the moment he opened the door.
"Hi Sev!" Raven beamed at him.
"Who's there?" Tobias Snape demanded to know.
Nobody, Severus wanted to reply, but Raven had already managed to slip past him, entering the house with a smile plastered on her face.
"Hello, I'm Raven. Raven Lestrange."
Inevitably, Severus' mind was replaying a tune, the one about the starman who'd like to come and meet us but he thinks he'd blow our minds... Well, most definitely Raven did not possess the starman's reservation although she did appear like someone from outer space in this house. Dressed in purple bell bottoms, platform sandals and a glittering jacket, she rendered mother speechless by presenting her with a small bouquet of flowers. Then she shook father's hand- and his old man smiled.
"So you're Severus' girlfriend?" Tobias asked, eyeing her appreciatively. She was weird, but at least weird in Muggle style.
"We're just friends, sir," she replied politely and added 'unfortunately' in thoughts. "We attend the same school."
"Can't believe you're going to that freak school. You look just like a normal girl to me. "
Tobias Snape did certainly not mince his words but Raven didn't seem to take offence at that. Meanwhile, Eileen had scampered off to the kitchen, still totally bewildered, to water her flowers.
Raven cleared her throat. "Well, Mr Snape, I like to believe that the ability to use magic and living a modern lifestyle are two things that doesn't necessarily have to contradict."
Father smirked as if he'd just won the lottery. He was behaving very courteous, the way he offered Raven to sit down on the threadbare old sofa. Then he barked in the direction of the kitchen, "Eileen, bring some lemonade for our guest!"
"Oh please, I don't want to be a bother," Raven insisted with a sweet smile, but sat down nevertheless. Severus was baffled how easily she seemed to be winding father around her little finger; he hadn't expected that. "Actually," she continued, "I only came to pick up Severus, so we can celebrate our exam results together."
"I won't keep ya, missy. Young people have to go out and celebrate sometimes." Tobias Snape winked at her. Severus gasped. Then his father leaned a little closer to Raven, whispering conspiratorially, "Now tell me something, young missy- these freak exams, are they worth anything? I mean, as in getting a decent job later?"
"Why certainly! Severus is about to become a great potioneer, if you ask me- um, that would be like a chemist in the Muggle world."
"Raven!" It didn't sit well with Severus to hear how she praised him. He only wanted to leave. Mother returned from the kitchen to slam a bottle of lemonade on the rickety coffee table.
Raven wasn't certain what she had expected when visiting Severus at home- perhaps that his father would threaten to give her a good beating. But he had been quite nice actually. A tall, beefy man who didn't look unattractive. True, he had a big, slightly hooked nose... like father like son, and she liked Sev's nose. It made him look unique.
At the moment, however, Severus was sulking. They were walking along a neighbourhood of brick, terraced houses, heading for the centre of the city.
She was wondering why he harboured so much hatred against his father and blamed it on his mother. Eileen was a really unpleasant witch.
"Was there ever a time you got on well with your dad?" Raven asked all of a sudden, and Severus stopped dead, apparently taken aback by her question.
He frowned, thinking about the pound notes in his pockets that father had given him without mother noticing. 'Have a good time with your girlfriend,' father had whispered and he had smirked, and he had actually been quite nice. Then Severus recalled a time when he had indeed gotten on well with his father.
"I was still very young, then," he answered hesitantly, "about five or six years old perhaps. I guess it wasn't that obvious yet that I'd be an abnormal freak."
Raven elbowed him. It wasn't hard for her to do that since she had linked arms with him. Lily had never done that, had never made such a public display of the fact that they were friends.
"You're not an abnormal freak, Sev."
No, with Raven at his side, dressed in her glittering jacket, nobody would call him a freak. And perhaps she had only linked arms with him because she feared to stumble in her absurdly high platform shoes...
"I remember father took me to a football match once," Severus continued recalling, "to the Maine Road stadium, and we watched Manchester City play."
"Did you like it?"
If Raven were a typical Slytherin, he would have said 'no, of course not' because football was a stupid Muggle game. But since Raven was not like his house mates, he replied honestly, "yeah, it was... fun. The atmosphere was great, all the thousands of people cheering and chanting..." Lost in thoughts, Severus shook his head. "He seemed to be so proud he could explain the rules of that game to me, and that he could afford taking me there. Later, he bought us fish and chips- ah, unimportant sentimentalities!"
"Not unimportant at all, Sev," reassuringly, Raven squeezed his arm. "Actually, I find it very interesting. What happened then? I gather you didn't become a Manchester City fan."
Severus snorted disapprovingly. "Most definitely not. Mother got a fit when she saw the fan scarf father had bought me and burned it immediately. Then she told me that football is not an appropriable sport for a young wizard, because our traditional game is Quidditch."
"Bollocks!" Raven hissed, feeling sorry for the young boy he used to be, and she liked Eileen even less. Now it was no mystery to her anymore why Severus didn't get on with his father, if his mother seemed to nip any attempts of a good father-son relationship in the bud- simply because Mr Snape was a Muggle and she so hated his guts. It was still a mystery to her though, why Eileen Prince got ever involved with a Muggle in the first place. After all, she stemmed from an old pure-blood family, and she was a Slytherin.
Then she noticed that Severus was sort of growing stiff, staring ahead at two girls who came walking in their direction. One of them was blonde but the other one had dark red hair that seemed to glow vibrantly in the early evening sunshine. Lily Evans and her horse-faced sister!
"Talk to her!" Severus urged Raven. "Tell her I didn't mean to-"
"I guess now is probably not the right time," Raven cut him off as she watched the Evans sisters crossing the road. Of course they had spotted them. It was such a small gesture but it showed a lot of contempt if Lily couldn't even stand to share the same side of the road with Severus.
Would he ever come to realize that bloody St Lily was decidedly not the right girl for him? But no, he looked as hurt as an abandoned puppy and the primary almost good mood he'd been in was ruined thoroughly in a mere instant.
Raven could have killed Miss holier-than-thou for her callous arrogance, thus spoiling her perfect night out with her best friend. She had wanted to celebrate her Owl results with Severus in a cheerful way, instead of having to cheer him up from just another blow by the cold-hearted Gryffindor Princess.
"Raven, so good to see you!"
Raven frowned. Lily made it sound as if she had missed her but people who missed each other didn't change to the opposite side of the road when they met.
"I worry about you."
Raven's eyebrows shot up. "I beg your pardon?"
"You're a decent girl (for a Slytherin) but I see you're still hanging around with Snape. Don't you know what he called me last term?"
"Yeah..." but that's nothing in comparison to what I want to call you, bitch. Raven took a deep breath and bit her tongue. It wouldn't do to insult Lily when she was supposed to mediate between her and Severus. But it seemed her attempt was already in vain before she had even started. Nevertheless, Raven gave it a try.
"Look, you have to consider the situation. Sev was very upset when he called you a filthy Mudblood but he didn't mean it. You know him-"
"I thought I knew him, but apparently I was wrong. He proved it that day. I told him time after time again to not hang around with these horrible Slytherins, Mulciber and Avery, but he just won't listen to me. It's clear he chose his way. He wants to join You-know-who. Please, Raven, you have to stay away from him."
"I really don't think so." She's gone mental, totally nuts... "Contrary to you, I prefer to be loyal to my best friend."
"You're not loyal, you're blind- don't you see he has chosen the wrong path? Or are you just as much into the Dark Arts as he is? Perhaps you both want to join You-know-who."
"Yep, we both can't wait to torture Mudbloods." This was too absurd. St Lily had a really strange concept of friendship. You were her best friend if you did exactly what she told you, but when you refused you were just as evil as You-know-who himself. Raven turned on her heels and walked away. Yes, she had promised Sev to try and mediate. Well, she had tried and it had gone wrong.
It was her first day back at school and Raven was already thoroughly fed up with Hogwarts. It didn't improve her mood either that she ran into Professor Slughorn while walking down the corridor to the Slytherin common room, because he seemed to take offence in her beloved new platform boots- they were silver and spangled with glittering blue stars.
"Miss Lestrange, what is that at your feet?"
Raven looked down and felt her heart swell with pride. They were the most beautiful boots she ever possessed and she had saved so long to buy them.
"Um, those are platform boots, sir."
"Don't give me cheek, Lestrange."
Strange, when Lily gives him cheek, the old walrus calls it endearing...
"Anyway, that is not the appropriate footwear for a Hogwarts student, it does not agree to the rules."
"The rules say we have to wear black robes and a plain black hat in class. They don't say anything about platform boots," Raven informed her Head of House. Alright, probably it was viewed with great disapproval if you tied knots in your robes so you could show more of your legs... or boots, for that matter- but it wasn't explicitly forbidden either.
"You're a shame to Slytherin." Professor Slughorn's face was rather red now. "I expect you to dress decently at school, especially since you're in my house."
Oh, he does actually remember that? Raven wondered because the old walrus had never paid much attention to her.
"Problems, Professor?" An unknown voice asked from the shadows of the dungeons; it sounded as if its owner used to gargle with barbed wire- or razor blades.
Slughorn winced visibly. "Nothing that I cannot handle, Professor Steel."
Raven's eyes widened. Last night at the welcoming feast, Headmaster Dumbledore had announced that a certain Professor Steel, an American Auror, would be teaching Defence against the Dark Arts this year- but as far as she knew, nobody had seen that mysterious professor yet. Naturally, she was very curious now.
Something grey emerged from the shadows. It was wrapped in strange grey robes that looked more oriental than American... more like a Tuareg from the Sahara deserts, or an Indian guru- except that it was a witch. She had very short silvery-grey hair and a dark tanned face with skin that reminded of weathered leather, wrinkled and scarred. Bright green eyes scanned Raven from head to toe until they came to rest on her platform boots. The witch smirked ever so slightly.
"You may leave now," she told Raven in her rough, barbed wire voice that was anything but female and yet not totally unfriendly either. It was a voice, though, that demanded respect.
Well, and that was a novelty. Most of the Defence against the Dark Arts teachers they had had these last five years- each year a new one (there was talk that the position was cursed)- had not been exceedingly respectable. Raven wouldn't go as far as Severus and call them morons, but he certainly had a point there. Standards were low in Defence and sometimes it came as a big surprise when they actually learned something useful. Therefore, Raven was looking forward to her first Defence against the Dark Arts class of this year. Would Professor Steel be any different? She really thought so and couldn't wait to tell Sev about having met her.
Alas, he didn't seem to be interested in their new Defence against the Dark Arts teacher. He had seen Raven talking to Lily, so he wanted to know all about that now.
Severus grabbed her arm and dragged her along with him, out of the Slytherin common room and to a quiet corridor near the kitchens, where nobody could hear him interrogate her about what Lily had said.
"You don't want to know," Raven snapped as she struggled to free her arm from his grip. "And don't you ever send me to talk to that person again!"
Immediately, Severus let go of her, looking stunned. What the hell was wrong with her? He had always believed that the two witches were good friends, but now it didn't sound like that at all.
"It... um, am I right to assume it didn't go well?"
"No, it fucking didn't go well! There's just no reasoning with bloody St Lily! Oh, the nerve of her!" Raven was positively fuming now. "Damn, Sev, I can't pretend anymore."
He was startled, expecting the worst, since Lily had said exactly the same words before she had cut ties with him. Surprisingly, though, Raven's anger wasn't directed at him.
"I can't stand Lily Evans. She thinks she's Hogwarts moral compass and yet she judges everything with double standards, because there's no room for different shades of grey in her pretty little black and white world. You know, I tried to mediate, I honestly did- but she wouldn't even listen to me. Instead, she told me to stay away from you, and when I told her to forget about that 'cause you're my best friend, she accused me of being just as evil as you are and that we both can't wait to join You-know-who. What a bloody nonsense. Then I ran into the old walrus and he took offence at my Muggle boots! You know what? Sometimes I believe that this castle only pretends to be a school for wizardry and witchcraft when in fact it is a lunatic asylum."
That moment, the door to the kitchens opened and a little house-elf stuck its head into the corridor, beaming from one bat-like ear to the other. "Master and Mistress wants tea?"
Raven and Severus glanced at each other, then at Pinkie, and finally back at each other. His lips twitched slightly due to the absurdity of the situation; Raven laughed out loud.
"Alright, let's have a tea," she said, mainly to please Pinkie.
When they were sitting at a table in the kitchens, sipping their tea, Raven reached out to take his hand in hers.
"I'm sorry, Sev. I really wanted to give you better news but apparently I fucked it up."
"You didn't. I did," he said, and in an unguarded moment she saw a thought flicker through his mind.
If all is lost, why not join Lord Voldemort's ranks...
"Because you don't really want to."
"I beg your pardon?" Severus hissed waspishly, angry at himself for being so careless to not guard his mind although he knew she was quite an acceptable Legilimens. He withdrew his hand from her grip.
"You're thinking about joining Lord V, but you're doing that for the wrong reasons. You don't really believe in his bullshit about blood purity and-"
"He's trying to revolutionise our world, and I happen to find that desirable."
She understood that- somehow. Raven knew his family background, she knew his childhood hadn't been all sunshine and roses mainly due to the problems his parents had. However, that was still no reason to become a pure-blood supremacist, especially since he obviously didn't believe in their ideology. Severus didn't detest Muggleborns or Muggles in general. He had gotten on very well with her father and also with her Muggle friends; he was even in love with a Mudblood... His two desires didn't seem to coincide.
"Alright, but revolution is not a dinner party, nor an essay, nor a painting, nor a piece of embroidery; it cannot be advanced softly, gradually, carefully, considerately, respectfully, politely, plainly, and modestly. A revolution is an insurrection, an act of violence by which one class overthrows another." Raven quoted Mao Zedong, proving once more that she was a history geek.
Severus shot her a quizzical glance. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"That revolution goes along with violence, Sev. Well, except if you're a hippie, of course- just take a look at history. Whenever a psychopath came up with the idea that one group of people is better, or more superior than the rest, and managed to gather a flock of followers who believed the same shit, it always resulted in mass murder. People disappeared, they get tortured and end in concentration camps. Mind, I'm not saying that the Dark Lord has achieved that much yet, but it has already started. The signs are just the same- the Daily Prophet reports of missing persons, Muggleborn witches and wizards get attacked, and you know what happened to my aunt and uncle. There's no proof, but there are certain parallels to past reigns of terror. There is an atmosphere of worry and suspect; fear has been evoked. Remember what it was like in Diagon Alley?"
This year, they had bought their school supplies together but that was not what Raven was about. Severus recalled the depressing mood in the usually so buzzing commercial street; many shops had been closed and there were no tables outside Fortescue's. Wizards and witches hurried to have their business done, not lingering for a chat or a leisure stroll. There had been an attack on the shop of a Muggleborn wizard just the previous day and the smell of burned wood, of cast spells and death, was still hanging in the air. People were whispering that the Death Eaters were to blame...
But there's no evidence for that, he thought stubbornly.
Raven took his hand again and gave it a squeeze.
"Allow me a moment and play over a scene over in your mind for me, will you? Let's assume you joined You-know-who and he'd given you the order to attack someone you don't even know only because that person is inferior in blood status. What would you do? Would you like to kill or torture said person willingly?"
Severus didn't answer. To him, it was a rhetorical question since there was still no proof that Lord Voldemort didn't only follow some political idea. The Dark Lord wanted to change the wizarding world for the better, and opposing against the current political system and the ideals of the Ministry of Magic should be allowed. Well, democracy allowed opposition- but that wasn't common in the wizarding world anyway- and then a nagging thought wormed its way into his head and refused to go away. What if Raven was right? After all, she was a sensible witch who didn't condemn the Dark Arts per se, and she was a history geek.
"Sev," she said gently, squeezing his hand again, "I don't want to sway you, or persuade you, and most certainly I won't make you believe in something that isn't agreeable to your ideals, either. All I'm asking you is to listen to your heart- well and to give me a week or so to give you an essay about known tyrants and their ways. Will you grant me that before you hasten things and join the Dark Lord?"
He nodded in the affirmative after having thoughtfully considered her suggestion and finding no fault in it. Most probably he couldn't join Lord Voldemort's ranks anyway, while he was still at school, and besides, he actually did have some qualms about making that step because it seemed to be so... final.
Although there was a big, fat chance of recognition and probably even appraisal waiting for him, the words of Raven's father were still ringing in his ears, '… the easiest way isn't always the best... I have faith in you, Severus, that you will make your way...'
thanks to my lovely betas, hypnotic ink and Alabaster Princess.