17- Look My Way
Under different circumstances, Severus would have been looking forward to his first Potions class of the term, but he was rather low-spirited this morning because he knew it wouldn't be the same without Lily. Most definitely she wouldn't want to sit next to him and be his Potions partner like she used to. She still refused to talk to him- she had even warned Raven off him. Of course, Raven hadn't listen to her. Raven had tried to defend him; he could not blame her for having failed.
Cantankerously, he watched Lily sitting down next to Lupin of all people, and the wolf smiled at her. It made him so sick. Obviously she was still of the belief that such a nice and friendly boy- a prefect- couldn't possibly be a werewolf...
A voice interrupted his thoughts. "Is this seat already taken?"
Severus looked up and stared at Raven Lestrange before he wordlessly removed his bag from the seat next to him. He had almost hoped that nobody would want to be partnered with him, but he didn't mind the idea of working with her. At least Lestrange was a halfway decent brewer, which he couldn't say of most of the berks in this class.
That moment, Professor Slughorn entered the classroom, looking quite pleased with himself.
"I must say I am proud to see so many of you passed your OWLs, despite the unfortunate fact that only one Outstanding was given. It was a decision of the board of examiners."
Raven smirked. She knew who had scored an O, while the rest of the class was still speculating, thinking it might be Lily Evans or perhaps James Potter.
"Now, let's start with class!" Slughorn cried. "As you can see, I have four cauldrons of potions. Who can identify them?" He moved to the first cauldron, which contained a viscous, dark-brown and slightly muddy-looking potion that bubbled slowly. "What's that?"
"Looks like Hippogriff shit," Potter exclaimed.
Lily rolled her eyes. "It's Polyjuice Potion. A potion that allows a human being to take the form of someone else."
"Exactly!" Professor Slughorn clapped his hands together. "Very good! Smart girl!"
"Well," Severus drawled, "the Polyjuice Potion we get to see here is incomplete, of course. You have to add the extract- meaning a piece, like a hair or a fingernail- of the person you want to transform into to make it work."
"Yes, yes," Slughorn said casually, not really taking interest in Severus' knowledge. Instead, he focussed on his favourite student again. "Now, Miss Evans, can you also identify that potion?"
He pointed to a colourless and odourless liquid.
"That is probably Veritaserum, a truth potion. It can be mixed with any drink because it's so... inconspicuous. Only three drops are a sufficient dose and the drinker will inevitably spill the truth."
Severus snorted and mumbled for only Raven to hear, "Tsk! Veritaserum can be resisted through different methods, including Occlumency..."
"Wonderful, Miss Evans. Twenty points for Gryffindor." Professor Slughorn moved on to the next cauldron. The potion in there had a distinctive mother-of-pearl sheen, and steam rose from it in spirals. Its smell reminded Raven of ink on parchment, old tomes and something else that was just typical... Severus. Immediately she knew that this was Amortentia, a love potion. The most powerful love potion. Of course, it didn't create love but faked a very strong obsession that the drinker might mistake as love. Therefore, it was probably the most dangerous potion in the classroom- although her female classmates giggled as if they thought it a romantic idea to drug their love interest with Amortentia...
Meanwhile, Professor Slughorn had reached the last of the four cauldrons. He beamed as if already overdosed by potion fumes, before he cheerfully asked, "Does anybody know what this is?"
The potion had the colour of molten gold and large drops were leaping like goldfish above the surface.
"That's liquid luck!" Gasped a boy at the back of the classroom.
"Correct! Ten points to Hufflepuff! This is indeed Felix Felicis, commonly called liquid luck. It's an extremely tricky potion to brew, disastrous to get wrong, and the ingredients are fiendishly expensive to purchase. Also, it is toxic in high qualities because it causes giddiness, recklessness, and dangerous overconfidence. But taken at a reasonable amount, on rare occasions, will give you the day of your life!"
Potter exchanged a mischievous glance with Black, probably thinking about how they could manage to nick some liquid luck to have a fun day. Professor Slughorn offered a possibility.
"Here's the challenge- a small vial of this prized potion will be given to the one who brews the best Draught of Living Death. You have one hour, starting now."
And while his students opened their textbooks, Professor Slughorn deemed it necessary to point out that Felix Felicis was of course a banned substance in competitions, such as sporting events or exams. Potter's face fell.
Raven measured her ingredients carefully, following the instructions given in her textbook until she noticed that the margins of Severus' textbook were already dark with ink and edited with notes that seemed to contradict Libatius Borage's instructions. But squashing the Sopophorous Bean made more sense to her than trying to cut it, and so she followed his example. She had no clue why her Draught of the Living Death didn't look as perfect as Severus' in the end, but it gave her sort of a malicious pleasure that Lily's potion wasn't better than hers. Although it was obvious that Slughorn would have loved to award his favourite student with that small vial of Felix Felicis, he had to keep to the rules he'd set and so he handed the vial to Severus- who unceremoniously stowed it in the pocket of his robes.
Potter and Black were watching him.
"Wow, that's so cool!" Raven was happy for her best friend. "What you're gonna do with it?"
Severus shrugged, he really had no clue. For a moment he thought about using it to win Lily back- he needed a lot of luck to get her to even talk to him again- but then he considered it inappropriate. It would be just as fake a thing as drugging her with a love potion.
Secretly, he slipped the small vial into the pocket of Raven's robes. "Keep it for me," he whispered, recalling how Potter and Black had watched him. They were up to no good, he just knew that.
The vial would have broken, had it still been in his pocket. Apparently the Marauders had decided that if they couldn't have some liquid luck, Severus was the last person who deserved it. The impact his right side made with the wall was painful- Potter had used a strong Revulsion Jinx to send him crashing against the stones- but at least his Felix Felicis was safe.
"You seem to have run out of luck, Snivellus," sneered Black when he noticed a moist spot on Severus' robes that was growing bigger. Of course he didn't know that the Slytherin had surreptitiously cast a subtle Aguamenti Charm at that particular spot.
Although no real harm was done, Severus fired some hexes at his nemesis to make them believe they had succeeded and he was upset because of the loss. Gryffindors were so easy to fool.
"My name is Steel. Alice Steel. I'm an Auror," announced the new professor, and she didn't seem to give a damn about the fact that some students were staring appalled at the scars in her face. "What do you kids know about the work of an Auror?"
"Aurors hunt and fight Dark wizards and witches," Potter answered immediately, without having been called up.
Professor Steel rolled her eyes. "Oh dear," she sighed, before addressing the class again. "Has anyone a more realistic idea?"
Almost coyly, Raven raised her hand.
"You there, Miss platform-boots, what have you got to say?"
"Um... I guess Mister Potter has either seen too many James Bond movies- unlikely- or he really believes the profession of an Auror is all fun and action, when in fact there is so much more to it. Like crime scene investigations, all the forensic stuff and probably even a horrible amount of tedious paperwork."
"That sums it up quite nicely," said Professor Steel with a slight smirk.
"Prongs, if there's tedious paperwork involved, I don't want to become an Auror," whispered Black.
"Ah, Padfoot, you don't have to," Potter replied.
Prongs? Padfoot? Raven was wondering about the nicknames the Marauders were using to address each other, and at least the latter reminded her of a puppy with feet too big for its body. It didn't seem fit to characterize Sirius Black though, who still had a nice bum although the rest of him was simply despicable.
Professor Steel flashed them a sharp glance, her bright green eyes were sparking with disapproval. "I won't tolerate any mindless babble in my class, and that's the last warning. Either you remain silent until you have something significant to say, or I'll make you."
Severus couldn't help but smirk at that. He was beginning to like the new Defence against the Dark Arts professor. At least she radiated more competence than any of the morons that had taught this subject before.
"You have had five teachers in Defence against the Dark Arts so far," Professor Steel continued, "and each of them had his own method, his own priorities. Unfortunately, their standards have been shockingly low. Furthermore, I must admit that I do not approve to the headmaster's decision to make my NEWT classes mandatory fun. Of course, he has the current political situation in mind and wants you to be well-prepared. To me, it only means I have to deal with some obvious trolls that will inevitably slow the progression of other, more talented students. Therefore, I'm planning to split this class in two, so the more advanced of you won't have to suffer from the stupidity of the... less advanced students. That said, I'm asking you to surprise me with at least a little hint of intelligence, and if you promise to pay attention in my class, I promise you will actually learn something about Defence against the Dark Arts."
"Now, what do you know about the Dark Arts?"
Lily raised her hand and got called up. She answered, "the Dark Arts are evil, that's why they don't teach them at Hogwarts."
"And you think that's the correct approach to that matter?"
"Why, yes, of course."
"Poor girl. Your ignorance will get you killed one day. Let's get this right, kids. Yes, many a Dark curse is indeed 'evil', but we cannot afford to ignore the Dark Arts if we want to fight them. Dark Magic- and that may come as a great shock to you now- is probably the most imaginative branch of wizardry and witchcraft; it is ever-changing and eternal. Defence against the Dark Arts means that you're fighting what is unfixed, mutating and sometimes even indestructible, because you cannot possibly expect to ever be able to erase 'evil' itself. There is a Dark side in every human being, just as well as there is what's commonly called 'good'. Both cannot exist without the other; there is no shadow without a light. Has any of you ever heard of Yin and Yang?"
Raven raised her hand. "Chinese philosophy, it's a sign that symbolizes the balance of two contrasts like black and white, male and female."
"Correct indeed," Professor Steel arched an approving brow at the girl and a casual wave of her hand later, the sign appeared at the blackboard. She gave her students a moment to copy it before she proceeded with her lecture.
"Fighting the Dark Arts can only be a matter of restoring the balance of the universe. That may sound easy, but it isn't since you're fighting what appears to be a many-headed monster. Each time you sever a head, it sprouts a new one. Therefore your defence has to be even fiercer and clever than the new head that appears- you have to be just as inventive. In order to succeed, you have to embrace your darkest side and make amends with it. And finally, you have to develop an interest in the Dark Arts. Only if you know them, truly know them, you can fend them off effectively..."
One of the Gryffindor girls gasped scandalized. "You want us to learn the Dark Arts?"
"Oh don't you fret, girl!" Professor Steel sneered. "I won't make you use Unforgivables on your fellow class mates. For a start, I'd be pleased to see if any of you show the slightest talent for non-verbal spells."
There had been whispers before, but at the end of the first week, the whole school was gossiping about Professor Steel, the American Auror and new Defence against the Dark Arts teacher. Some of the students thought her the height of cool, while others begged to differ.
Lily Evans didn't approve to her attitude because she made it sound as if she was rather captivated by the Dark Arts, instead of strictly condemning them.
Severus thought she was decidedly qualified and therefore quite a decent teacher, whereas Raven admired her already after the first lesson. After all, Professor Alice Steel was a professional Auror, and Raven wanted to become one. She wanted to be just as cool as her, albeit minus her scars.
Both she and Severus were proud to be in Professor Steel's Advanced Defence class.
Some weeks into term, on a bright and sunny autumn day, Severus was sitting by the lake, waiting for Raven. They had decided to meet there, since it was probably the last warm day of the year they could spend outside.
The giggling noise of girls made him look up from his book, and he saw Lily's red hair gleaming in the sunlight at the far end of the lake. She seemed to be enjoying herself, laughing and chatting with her Gryffindor friends- it felt like a stab in the heart, having to realize that Lily was apparently perfectly happy without him. And it was still so very, very strange to not be part of her life anymore. It hurt to have lost her friendship- only because of one horrible word, uttered... no, shouted... in a moment of humiliation. He had shouted at her just like father always shouted at mother, and for a brief moment, Severus feared he might actually become like his father. But, no- he would not let that happen. He was no good-for-nothing Muggle, even though he was the spawn of one. There was no way to deny that sorry fact- but he would rise above the dunghill of Spinner's End and become someone of importance, someone with influence, someone worthy of attention... and then, Lily would look at him with different eyes again...
"Hi, Sev!" Raven's cheerful voice interrupted his thoughts.
"You're late," he grumbled.
"Yeah, I know," she said as she sat down next to him, flashing him an apologetic smile, "and I'm sorry for that. But I had to get this for you."
Severus arched a quizzical brow at her when she handed him a folder. "What's that?"
"Well, I promised you an essay, didn't I?" Raven lit a cigarette and exhaled the smoky fumes with a contended sigh. Then she noticed that her best friend gave her a sceptical glance.
"You still want to sway me from joining You-know-who?"
"No. I want to convince you with reasonable arguments that it is not a wise idea. And most certainly not because of her." She jerked her head in Lily's direction- oh, how she hated the longing glances he shot the red-haired witch when he thought no one was watching.
"Lily's got nothing to do with my decision."
"Well, that's good to hear 'cause I doubt she'd be much impressed if you joined a group of supremacists who'd kill her parents without blinking an eye." Raven said slightly sarcastic.
"It is not my intention to harm her parents," Severus hissed.
"I know it's not. But can you say the same about Lord V? After all, he wants to revolutionise the wizarding world by getting rid of Mudbloods-"
"Don't say that word!"
"-and Muggles," Raven continued nonchalantly as she opened the folder Severus was still holding in his hands. It contained several pages of text in her handwriting. "Admittedly, I'm late with that, too. I asked for a week to gather the information, but it turned out that one week wasn't enough. Anyway, let me give you a short summary. If you read my essay, you will find out that there were other people in history that had the same idea, and there even seems to be a certain pattern- or call it method to their madness. First, there is an idea, and sometimes even a good one, to revolutionise the world. At that stage, the later tyrant gives the impression of a charismatic leader who could indeed make the world a better place. Then comes the moment when he will present a guilty person, or rather a group of guilty people, because there must be a problem or the world would be perfect already. Ergo, someone must be responsible for it, and those who are to blame for the problem must be eliminated. That's when denunciation starts. Soon, an overall atmosphere of fear and terror is spreading as the formerly charismatic leader shows his true colours and is finally recognisable as a tyrant. The result is always the same- call it mass-murder, genocide or Holocaust."
"That's a Muggle term." Severus interjected. He was flickering through her essay and noticed it included several pictures. Muggle pictures, he realized, since they weren't moving. And yet, some of them made his blood run cold.
"Yeah, true- but that's not the point. The point is that the Nazis believed Jews are inferior, just like many pure-bloods believe that Muggles, or Muggleborns, are inferior. Hitler killed millions of Jews in concentration camps."
"The Dark Lord does not run such camps. You cannot compare him to a mad Muggle."
"But don't you see the parallels, Sev?"
Staring at the horrible picture of brutally tortured and slaughtered men and women, he said, "I see Muggles killing each other."
"Don't be so difficult," Raven said softly. "It doesn't matter if a Muggle or a wizard does the killing if it results in the death of innocent people. Besides, you may find it interesting to hear that history proves there is a connection between the rise of Muggle tyrants and Dark Arts activities in that area. Apparently, Muggles tend to become more aggressive in the subliminal atmosphere of evil- Merlin, how I hate this word, but I can't think of a better one right now- as if it would bring out the worst in them. For instance, take Grindelwald and Hitler. It is no coincidence they terrorized Europe at the same time; there are even Arithmetic equations and calculations to underline that theory.
"And Grindelwald- Grindelwald had the very same idea as Lord V. Alright, he masked it as supportive for Muggles to be ruled by wizards and called it for the Greater Good- but in the end, his meaning of the Greater Good was to kill all his opponents or have them locked away in Nurmengard. Isn't it ironic that he is locked away at Nurmengard now?
"Also, do you actually believe that the Muggles will let the Dark Lord rule them? That they are looking forward to being enslaved like house-elves? And do you really think the rest of the world will sit back and watch how Britain becomes the playground of a megalomaniac wizard? There are diplomatic, military and most of all commercial relationships and interests to be considered. You may think we are superior because we are magical, but I say our magic is like a fart in the wind against the Atom Bomb."
Severus didn't reply. He was lost in thoughts, nibbling at his lower lip. Fortunately, Raven didn't seem to expect an answer right now. Instead, she was simply smoking another cigarette and the silence between them wasn't strained. Sometimes, it were those small gestures he was grateful for- the fact, that she never turned her back on him even if they differed on several points, that they could enjoy a moment of silence without it leaving an awkward feeling.
He closed the folder since he couldn't stomach looking at the pictures any longer. But he would read her essay, and he would read it thoroughly. Not because he needed to be convinced. Unlike his pure-blooded house mates, he was no ignorant. He knew the Muggle world. He didn't like it much but he wasn't foolish enough to underestimate it. It was just- he had never asked himself the questions Raven had voiced. Now he realized the flaw in his plan. Contrary to Raven, he had done no thorough research but had allowed Lucius to impress him with influence, attitude and posh robes. The promise of power and recognition had blinded him, just like he was blinded with a desire to prove himself worthy for Lily. It wasn't... Slytherin to let emotions get in the way. Only fools carried their hearts on their sleeves... well, and Raven Lestrange, but that was a completely different topic. She was an enigma that could go from sentimental to analytic in one sentence; she was sometimes pathetic, never really embarrassing but often very close to the edge, and she was always totally, simply Raven. She didn't give a damn about anything and that's why she could prance the corridors of Hogwarts in her platform boots and nobody thought it strange because she was strange.
And now she had written an essay. For him. Next to her usual workload she had wasted a lot of time and effort for it, had done an apparently thorough and well-founded research- why? Why would she do that? What was in it for her?
But that was not the way Lestrange ticked. When he promised to read her essay, she smiled brightly at him and said, "Cool!" Then she gave him a peck on the cheek.
Severus' eyes widened. He was used to her hugging him, but that was new and he wasn't sure whether he liked it. Well... it feels good... and her lips are soft...
"You know," she said, "it's about choices, Sev. You always have a free choice- you only have to make it."
He knew she had a point, and yet he was wondering how he was to become a man of reputation, someone with influence and recognition in order to win Lily's heart, if he chose to not join Lord Voldemort's ranks. And without Lily- could there be any happiness in his life?
Severus glanced at Raven. Why was she putting so much effort in persuading him to not follow that path? Could it be she envied him for what he might gain? No. Not Lestrange. He knew an absurd theory when it hit him straight in the face, and that one did. So why?
But, well, in the end it would be his choice, his alone. He had merely promised to read her essay. Nothing was decided yet- and strangely, she didn't even seem to expect an decision. She was not pushing him, which he appreciated a lot.
thanks- as usual- to my superb betas, Alabaster Princess and hypnotic ink. I Love you, girls.
Thanks also to my anonymous reviewers- I'd love to reply to you, so please leave an email address next time.
Last but not least, thanks to everyone who is bearing with me and put my story on their alert list.
Now- I love feedback!