We're having a serious soap problem here. My lovely beta Alabaster Princess claims that curd soap is not a term she is used to (and she is my britpicker)- nevertheless I couldn't come up with a better translation of the German word 'Kernseife' and so I left it for the time being. If anyone knows a better translation, please contact me.
Now enjoy!
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Many thanks to Alabaster Princess and hypnotic ink for being friends and the best betas in the world- I love ye!
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31- Rejection
Raven thought it a wise move to avoid Severus' company as much as possible after the graduation party, which was quite difficult since they were living together. There were some very awkward moments when both of them tried to pretend they had never kissed, but it just didn't work. She couldn't forget that kiss. In fact, she didn't even want to forget that kiss. When Severus wasn't watching, she got all dreamy eyed, staring at those incredible lips that didn't look as soft as they actually were, and then she had to act as normal as possible to not make him realize that it had been more than just a demonstration of how a witch wanted to be kissed.
They were still friends, and that was a good thing. On the other hand, it couldn't be ignored that something had changed. It was as if solid ground had turned into thin ice due to a subliminal tension that remained as a constant reminder of the night of the ball.
She tried to spend more time with her Muggle friends, but that was no solution either since they both shared the same circle of friends and she really didn't want to exclude Severus. Fortunately, he was not a person who liked to socialize much. Instead, he preferred to prepare himself for his apprenticeship that would start in a few weeks.
Raven had to apply for Auror training in two weeks and she should be revising for the tests- however, she couldn't focus on anything, knowing that Severus was just a room away. So she often skipped revising in order to go out. Hadn't she just successfully passed her NEWTs? It was summer and she was done with school, so it couldn't hurt to have some fun instead of sticking her nose in a book like she'd done for the past weeks and months.
-o-
Raven was very nervous the morning of her tests at the Auror office. She had more than the required five NEWTs with at least 'Exceeds Expectations' grade, including Charms, Potions and Arithmancy. She even had 'Outstanding' marks in Ancient Runes and History of Magic, and she just hoped that her 'O' in Defence Against the Dark Arts (not thanks to Professor Lemminkainen, by the way, but because of the intense training she had received under Professor Steel) would be enough to counter the fact that her Transfigurations skills were merely 'Acceptable'. But perhaps she would be given the chance to prove that she was better than that.
She didn't worry about the background check because she knew she had no criminal record. She didn't worry about the character test either.
"Good luck today."
Raven hadn't heard Severus entering the kitchen, so she whirled around and spilled her coffee all over him in the process.
"Oops," she gasped as she grasped for a tissue and started to fuss over him.
"Raven!" Heaving a sigh, he took her wrists in his hands to gently push her away. "For Merlin's sake, you're a witch." Then he drew his wand and a quick Clean and Dry Spell later his robes were immaculate again. "Why don't you use magic?"
"I... um," ...because I want to be close to you... "I'm just trying to save my energy for the tests."
"You will do well," Severus assured her. "You are quite a capable witch and your NEWT results were satisfying. I am certain you will be accepted into Auror training."
"Thanks," she beamed at him and withstood the urge to hug him, but she left home with a smile on her face.
-o-
Some hours and a number of exhausting tests later, Raven wasn't smiling anymore.
"I beg your pardon?" There must be something wrong with her ears because she thought she had heard the head of Magical Law Enforcement, a certain Bartemius 'Barty' Crouch senior, saying that she hadn't qualified for Auror training.
Mr Crouch shot her a glance as through he was doubting her hearing ability before he repeated slowly, but in quite a loud voice, that she was not accepted into Auror training.
"May I inquire the reason why? Is it because of my Transfiguration marks?"
"Your marks were acceptable and you just proved today that you are adequately skilled in Transfiguration," Mr Crouch faked a smile that was supposed to look encouraging, but it wasn't real; it didn't reach his eyes. "Actually, what we- meaning the board of examiners- do worry about are your... er, character traits."
"What the fuck?" The words escaped her lips faster than she could hold them back or swallow them down.
Crouch smirked, which was even worse than his attempt to smile. "You are rebellious, rash, and you cannot rein yourself in. Apparently, you are a difficult person when it comes to following orders."
Damn, she thought.
"Also," he continued, "it has come to my attention that you seem to enjoy the company of people who do not agree to the ideology of the Ministry; people who are likely to join You-know-who."
"I most certainly do not agree to his ideology," Raven snapped.
"Miss Lestrange," Crouch cleared his throat and frowned at her, "were you or were you not Sorted into Slytherin house?"
"Well, but-"
"And are you friends with a certain Severus Snape, the same Mr Snape that is known to be up to his eyeballs into the Dark Arts, and who spent a great amount of his time at Hogwarts in the company of Lucius Malfoy, Alexander Wilkes, Woodrow Avery and Kenneth Mulciber?"
"They were house mates."
"They are suspected to be Death Eaters."
"What's that got to do with me?"
"Miss Lestrange," Crouch said patiently, "you may want to reconsider your allegiance. If you are certain it is bound to the Ministry of Magic, you are, of course, allowed to apply again for Auror Training next year."
"Are you just trying to tell me that because I am a Slytherin I'm not accepted into Auror Training?"
"No, I told you already that you are not qualified because of your character traits. You're dismissed."
"Fine," she snarled as she turned to leave, but then she stopped to glare at him with a sneer on her face. "Ah, let me just hazard a guess- if I were a Gryffindor, you'd find my apparent character flaws, especially the rashness, to be quite endearing, wouldn't you?"
He didn't have to speak it out loud, she could see the truth in his face. And so she slammed shut the door behind her in anger. Her character was considered questionable anyway, so there was no need to rein herself in.
This is so fucking unfair!
What was she supposed to do until next year? And did she really want to apply again for Auror training next year if the same stupid wankers would be judging her character then? There was nothing wrong with her. The mere fact that she had been Sorted into Slytherin house didn't necessarily mean she was evil. She definitely wasn't. Alright, she wouldn't say her heart was pure and innocent either, but that wasn't fucking required for Auror training. Her abilities should be the only thing that was important, and nothing else.
Feeling sullen and bitter, she walked to the elevator and hit the downwards button hard in her fury. Bloody Ministry!
"Miss Lestrange!" Someone cried out.
Raven groaned when she heard someone approaching her, limping heavily. She turned and glared at the old battle-scarred Auror, Alastor 'Mad-Eye' Moody. He was a member of the Committee of Wizarding Law Enforcement for Auror Training and he had not disagreed with Crouch. What could he possibly want now? Curiously, she waited for him.
"Mr Moody?" She tried not to sound as annoyed as she was. "What can I do for you?"
"Just one question. Why do you want to become an Auror?"
She wondered if that wasn't obvious. "Um... to clear up criminal cases and to fight dark wizards and witches."
"Very good." He smirked, or smiled- you couldn't really tell with his marred features, but no matter what, it didn't look very pleasant anyway. "Am I right to assume that it is also your wish to fight You-know-who?"
"Well, I already mentioned that I don't share his ideals."
"Indeed, but you do merely disagree with his propaganda of pure-blood superiority, or do you strongly oppose to it? Do you wish to end his rising reign of terror?"
Her parents had fled to the States for matters of safety, so of course she wanted to do something to stop Voldemort. Therefore she had applied for Auror training. Also, she wanted the Dark Lord gone before he could ever lay his thin, spidery fingers on Severus- although Sev had won some valuable time, he wasn't off the hook yet.
"Would you ask that many questions if I were a Gryffindor?"
He flashed her another of his horrid smiles, which was answer enough.
"You know," Raven continued, "I'm not naturally predestined for the Dark Arts only because an old rag of a hat shouted 'Slytherin' when it came to sorting."
"True indeed," Moody said, cautiously scanning her face with his magical eye. He cleared his throat, which sounded as if he was gurgling with barbed wire. Then he leaned in closer. "You might be interested to learn that there is a group of people who are actively fighting Voldemort and his Death Eaters."
Raven arched one brow to show she was interested in learning more about that.
"It is a secret organisation."
"Because the Ministry is still hesitant to openly oppose Lord V?" She was intrigued, that much for sure. But her initial enthusiasm didn't last long. Actually, it ended quite soon when Moody told her more about it.
The members of resistance were led by Dumbledore, allegedly the only wizard that Voldemort ever feared, but that didn't mean that Raven suddenly trusted her former headmaster. The old grudge she was holding against him for never helping Severus and always believing, clearly favouring the Marauders, was still too prominent.
Also, it became apparent that Dumbledore was recruiting members for his organisation that came fresh from school and had no professional training in whatsoever. Moody, however, saw no fault in that since he considered Dumbledore the greatest wizard who had ever left his turds in the wizarding world.
"This reminds me of the child soldiers in Africa," Raven said with a frown. Well, officially no Hogwarts graduate was still a child, but the point and purpose was the same- untrained youngsters were being send to war. "I do not intend to become canon fodder for the greater good. I applied for Auror training."
"You will be trained by Dumbledore."
"Wonderful." She still didn't trust Dumbledore. The headmaster had never given her any reason to put her trust in him, and although she liked the general idea that there was a secret organisation against Voldemort, she was not interested in joining. The ability to fling spells at dark wizards and witches was not the reason she had chosen to become an Auror; Raven wanted to learn more than that. Like Stealth and Tracking or Magical Crime Scene Investigations.
But all Moody had to offer sounded rather indecent to her ears. She imagined Dumbledore's secret organisation as a stomping ground for his Gryffindork protégés, and she just knew she wouldn't fit in there. Probably, she'd be the only Slytherin and therefore the first to sacrifice when things got a little rough.
"I am not interested."
Moody stared at her in a way that really wasn't comfortable at all. Immediately, her mental shields went up.
"You disappoint me," he finally grumbled, looking displeased because he had just failed to break through her Occlumency shields without making it a very painful experience for her.
"No, you disappoint me. I thought so much of you, but you possessed the nerve to insult my intelligence by proposing such an indecent suggestion to me." Raven hit the button for the downwards elevator again. "I'm not a lamb for slaughter."
Fortunately, the door opened almost immediately for Raven to step into the elevator- otherwise she might have suffered the full extend of Moody's Memory Modification Charm. So when she finally left the Ministry of Magic, she was feeling slightly dizzy but was still in possession of all of her memories regarding Dumbledore's group of underground fighters, called the Order of the Phoenix.
-o-
Raven was ranting on and on about the brazenness of Alastor 'Mad Eye' Moody, smoking cigarette after cigarette until she started coughing, when finally Severus cut in.
"Stop that!" He extinguished her cigarette with his wand. "You wouldn't have any problem to get accepted into Auror training if not for me. Perhaps it would be better if I just moved out- after all, you deserve a chance to make the career you desire."
"Don't be absurd!" She snapped at him. "This reaction is so very... Gryffindor, it doesn't suit you at all. Besides, I'm not having any problems- those wankers at the Ministry are having problems with me and they don't even know we're living together, and I do not intend to chance that, nor will I change my friends for their idiotic belief that all Gryffindorks are little saints while all Slytherins are evil personified. I won't have that! If that's how the Ministry works I will have to reconsider my choice of career, but it's their bad and not mine. They could use someone who doesn't divide the whole world into four fucking houses, who does not stick to all those fucking prejudices they carry around since they attended Hogwarts ages ago-"
"Raven," Severus cleared his throat but she flashed him a fierce glance that actually managed to silence him.
"No, you won't move out." The very idea was frightening her. She could deal with a good lot of things but not with being separated from Severus; she needed him, and if she couldn't have him as a lover, she at least wanted him as a friend. Her best friend. Raven feigned a smile that probably looked rather loop-sided. "Hey, how do you expect me to pay the rent if I'm without a job?"
"I'm certain your parents won't let you down; they will be understanding of the situation," he replied half-heartily because he didn't really want to move out anyway. It was strange, but he felt at home here with Raven- more at home than anywhere else before.
"Says the one who would have never asked his father for support if I hadn't forced him to at least accept the child benefit that's legally yours."
"And I do really appreciate that. Nevertheless, you have to think of yourself now. Be rational and consider what is important to you. If you decidedly want to pursue a career in Auror training, you will have to accept their conditions."
"Well, fortunately I now have one more year to decide what I want. And I think today, I want to go out. Care to join me?"
Severus rolled his eyes; he was torn between adoring her adamance and being slightly annoyed about her apparent devil-may-care attitude.
-o-
"Sev?" Raven called out for him when she returned home from a night out with her friends, still brimming with interesting news she just had to share with him. She knew he was up already because she could hear the shower running, but she didn't think anything about it when she pushed open the bathroom door.
"Sev, I- oops!" It shouldn't have come as a surprise to see a rather naked Severus in the shower cabin. After all, hearing the sound of running water did usually indicate that someone was actually taking a shower.
"Get out! I'm not decent." Totally embarrassed, Severus grabbed for the shower curtain and gave it a jerk to wind it around his middle. In the process, he dropped the bar of soap that slid all the way across the floor until it came to rest at her feet.
Curiously, Raven picked it up to give it a sniff. Then she frowned and shot him a stern glance. "Is that curd soap you are using?"
"Give it back and get out of here."
"You cannot possibly use curd soap."
"Why. Ever. Not?" It was a rhetorical question at best but even more it was meant as a rebuff to make her leave. Raven, however, didn't get that hint.
"Because of its pH value; it's not nourishing..."
"Nourishing?" He barked.
"... for your skin."
"My skin is none of your business"
"But you've got lots of skin... so pale..." Well, except for the reddish blotches on his cheeks that spoke of embarrassment, but she barely realized the inappropriateness of the situation. "...and wet."
The nerve of her! "I was taking a shower, so obviously my skin is wet. Now. Get. Out!"
Instead of leaving like ordered, she kept staring at his deliciously naked form. He was so adorable. She had never seen that much of his skin before, neither his long, slender limbs that were nevertheless surprisingly well-defined, although he was clearly not as exceptionally muscular or athletic as a Roman or Greek god. Why am I thinking of statues of ancient deities now? She wondered and concluded that the paleness of his skin reminded her of marble. Only that those deities didn't have such a teasing thin line of dark hair that started just underneath his navel and went further southwards where it... disappeared into the folds of a shower curtain that was wrapped around his hips. Gods shouldn't be allowed to wear shower curtains.
Raven pouted ever so slightly as she glanced up and into his face again. His lips were pressed together in tight line of disapproval.
Severus wished she would finally go away but at the same time his body responded to the way her eyes were scrutinising him. He recalled their kiss- or was it just his body that recalled the feeling of them snogging senselessly at the graduation ball? It had been fantastic. And so very wrong. Because she wasn't Lily.
For a brief moment he wondered if his body had ever reacted that strongly when he thought of Lily, and then he condemned those weird thoughts and feelings because true love was more than just carnal desire.
Meanwhile, Raven had still not left the bathroom. Instead, she was now approaching the shower cabin and Severus tried to back away from her. It's not right to desire your best friend, he thought in a fit of panic.
Fortunately, she then started to give him a lecture about the benefits of shower gel compared to curd soap. She mentioned its pH-neutrality as well as the nourishing effect of Jojoba oil. "...it protects your skin from dehydration and makes it... smoother." To underline her words she produced a plastic bottle from out of nowhere and pressed it into his reluctant hands. "Try this."
Oh, she so wanted to touch him, to feel his soft skin under her fingertips- but perhaps that wasn't a very wise idea since Severus was staring at her like a deer caught in the headlight, feeling clearly uncomfortable.
He almost let go off the shower curtain.
Now, she finally had the decency to avert her eyes.
"I... um," Raven stuttered, as she reached out to grab another bottle, this one containing shampoo. "… er, that's for your hair..."
"To make it smooth and shiny, I assume?" Severus asked with a sneer.
She took a reluctant step backwards. There was still the urge to touch him, but on the other hand her instincts told her that it was wiser to flee and leave him alone. So she slowly retreated, step by step, until she was almost out the door. Then she glanced at him again and couldn't refrain from pointing out, "You know, your hair will benefit from it."
One of the plastic bottles she had given him collided with the bathroom door when she closed it from the outside, indicating that perhaps she had gone a tad too far. Perhaps, she should have politely declined that last glass of wine... on the other hand, Jeffrey had already paid for it so it would have been a waste of money to not drink it.
-o-
A little later, after Severus had finally managed to finish his shower in private, he entered the kitchen where Raven was sitting at the table, drinking coffee and slowly sobering up.
"Lestrange," he snarled, "I hope you're proud of yourself. That horrid shampoo of yours makes me smell like a bloody green apple- no, I stand corrected- like an apple that turned green with envy since no decent apple ever smells like that."
She stood to approach him, running her fingers through his lanky hair. It was nice to smell her shampoo on his hair. "But it does look so much nicer now, doesn't it?"
He scowled at her while secretly admitting that it appeared to be less greasy.
"By the way," she continued in a cheerful tone as though she was immune to danger, and she sat down again to smile at him over the rim of her coffee mug, "what I wanted to tell you in the first place- I've got a job now. Admittedly, it's nothing special and just once a week, but I'll be working as a barmaid in the 100 Club. Isn't that cool?"
-o-
No, it wasn't. Raven was a bright witch; she had excelled in her NEWT exams and therefore she shouldn't be pleased to have found a job as a barmaid in a Muggle club. She should be following her dreams instead, which meant being accepted into Auror training and becoming a highly-decorated Auror one day in the not so far future.
But instead of ambitiously pursuing her dreams like any Slytherin would have done, she had given them up for friendship- or so it seemed to Severus, and he wished she would be more demanding. On the other hand, he knew that that was so typically Raven and one of the reasons why he liked her so much even if she was showing some mightily dubious Gryffindor character traits.
-o-
For a couple of weeks, Raven was enjoying her freedom, so glad that school was finally over and she could spend time with her Muggle friends. She stayed all night partying and came home when Severus had to get up and go to work. He now locked the bathroom door when he was taking a shower.
In retrospect, that had been a really embarrassing moment. What had she been thinking? Well, apparently not much since she had been slightly intoxicated. On the other hand, the state of his hair had improved ever since she had actually thrown away the bloody curd soap and equipped him with a nice shower gel and a shampoo that smelled less like a blooming apple tree. After that bold deed of invading his privacy, she hadn't dared to come home for two days, but fortunately he bore no grudge against her when she finally returned to surprise him with a home cooked dinner.
It soon became a daily routine of them to have dinner together; Raven even tried to improve her cooking skills and most of the meals she prepared were edible indeed.
But after a while, that wasn't enough anymore. It wasn't enough to work only one night in the week, and it most certainly wasn't enough to play perfect little housewife for Severus. Raven could use another job to improve her income so she started reading the job offers in the Muggle papers and also in the Daily Prophet. She enjoyed working as a barmaid at the 100 club because they often had live gigs of hot bands she could see for free, and she was looking for something similar.
Meanwhile, she still went out almost every night and only saw Severus in the evening, when he came home from work. It was good to hear him talking about his apprenticeship, and she was so happy for him, knowing he had found his place in life. It was also good to not be spending too much time with him, because she was still yearning for more.
Whenever she glanced at his lips, she caught herself remembering their kiss and she would have loved to repeat that so badly. But since that was not an option, Raven sort of piqued her appetite at home and then went out to sate her hunger by flirting with other boys. Alas, it was never quite as satisfying.
-o-
Still, those were the better days. There were other, filled with moments of self-doubts, when she was lying in bed, feeling worthless and rejected for not having been accepted into Auror training, for not being Severus' love interest. She just wasn't good enough, or just not Lily enough- thank Merlin for that, except that it was Lily whom Severus wanted. Life was such a bitch! Raven tried hard to not wallow in self-pity, but there were times she just couldn't help it. Then she cursed herself for being such a ninny, because life wasn't all sunshine and roses; she had to get a grip on herself. Crying her eyes out in moments of weakness wouldn't improve the situation either.
-o-
Naturally, Severus took notice of her inner turmoil, her occasional unhappiness. One didn't have to be an Legilimens to notice when Raven Lestrange wasn't feeling well. Although she tried to hide her emotions, she wasn't very good at that and her face was like an open book for him to read.
The only thing he always seemed to miss (or to misinterpret for something else) was the fact that a great part of her misery was due of him, because she was in love with him. Perhaps, he just wasn't used to being loved and desired, and that's why he kept missing those hints.
He wanted to be a good friend to her, which only seemed to make things worse, sometimes. There were times when he thought that moving out of the flat they shared was the most sensible solution to improve her situation, but- quite frankly- he couldn't bring himself to do just that. Because he was selfish. Severus enjoyed living with her, despite her being the most impossible, impertinent and yet most intriguing witch he had ever met. She was maddeningly unconventional, bold and stubborn, but on the other hand she was also a very kind and warm-hearted person who had so graciously not only given him a place to stay, but also a home. He didn't want to miss that.
And then he thought about the way she had showed him how a witch wanted to be kissed. Of course, the sheer pleasure he had experienced from her lecture was still feeling wrong because he had so clearly betrayed his feeling for Lily by kissing another girl.
On the other hand, his Lily was snogging Potter on a regular basis and- no, Severus didn't want to imagine what else they were doing. He decided to focus on his apprenticeship.