33- Frustration
"MUGGLEBORN FAMILY KILLED IN DORSET"
the headline in the Daily Prophet read, making Raven almost choke on her coffee. She had to close her eyes in disbelief for a moment, wondering what the fuck had gone wrong. Anger was boiling up within her. Had her warning really been that unclear? She then read the whole article, only to realize that apparently her warning hadn't been taken serious enough, although it must have reached Dumbledore. But either he didn't trust anonymous messages or the Ministry had fucked it up since merely one Auror had been there to protect the Chapmans, and he had been used to kill them. Of course, the Daily Prophet remained quite vague about what really happened that night, but reading between the lines Raven came up with the conclusion that Auror Jenkins was under the Imperius Curse when he slaughtered the family in the cruellest way possible. There was a picture of him, bloodstained and laughing like mad, while in the background a house was burning to ruins. If you pored over the picture, however, you could still see the fading trace of a Dark Mark looming in the skies.
Nevertheless, poor Auror Jenkins had already been sent to Azkaban.
That night in the Red Lantern, Death Eaters and other sympathisers of Voldemort's ideology were excessively celebrating their splendid victory, while cheering about the stupidity of the Ministry. If they continued sending their own people to Azkaban, the Dark Lord would win this war in no time.
Although Raven agreed with them when it came to the stupidity of the Ministry, she really didn't want to be reigned by Lord V and his cronies, and so she took another dose of Polyjuice Potion to send another note to Dumbledore.
'You had better taken my warning more serious. Too many died already and now an innocent wizard is going to rot away his life in Azkaban.'
-o-
Raven never found out if Auror Jenkins had been pardoned because he was under the Imperius Curse when he slaughtered the Chapmans. She could have told Dumbledore that it was Mulciber senior who had cast the curse, although Bellatrix Lestrange (wife of her not-cousin Rodolphus and apparently the reason for his often so surly mood that caused him to drink too much) had made Jenkins act like a puppet on strings, feeding him with all those perfidious ideas.
Did it matter anyway?
There seemed to be no point and purpose for her to pursue her career as a spy for the Order any longer, since all information she could possible gather was worthless due to her lack of a reliable connection there. On the other hand, she didn't want to be involved too much either.
"You know, I don't want to change the world or win this bloody war," she muttered, sipping her coffee in frustration, "but is it really such a bad idea to try and make a difference, even if it's only one life I can possibly save? And no, Sev, I don't want to hear now that I'm an idealistic dreamer."
An owl pecking at the window spared him from answering her question. Severus let the feathered beastie in and gave it a treat.
"A letter from Professor Steel," he realized as he handed Raven the parchment, unmistakably addressed to her. "What does she write?"
"'Sorry to learn you have not been accepted into Auror training. Unfortunately, there's nothing I can do about it although I think you are fairly well qualified for this job. In case you are still interested in pursuing that path of career, there's a list of books I recommend you to read.'
"Look, she really included the complete book list for first year Auror trainees!
"The Art of Concealment and Disguise, by Lincoln Abernathy; Tracking- a Beginner's Guide, by Magnus Maria Stepson," Raven read aloud, "Powerful Potions for Auror Use, by Glyzanthina Rubinius-"
"I'm surprised that Rubinius woman is still allowed to publish," Severus cut in. "Among experts she is considered a quack ever since she claimed to have found a cure against vampirism and was transformed into a vampire herself by one of her allegedly tame test subjects only a little later."
"Well," Raven chuckled, "I suppose her changed eating habits haven't influenced her writing skills."
"Probably not." He fell silent for a moment before glancing at Raven again; his expression was absolutely inscrutable now. "Don't you think Professor Steel could do something for you in order to advance your Auror career, if you moved to America?"
"Yeah, perhaps... but it would feel like running away," she gave to consider, although that was only half the truth. Raven could simply not stand the idea of being separated from Severus, with a vast ocean between them. It would break her heart. Even if living together with him like brother and sister was slowly killing her too, it was still better to be his best friend than being far away from him.
Nevertheless, she had already agreed to visit her parents in Las Vegas over Christmas. They were missing her just as much as she missed them, and so her mother had sent her a plane ticket some days earlier. The Lestranges would have loved to invite Severus, too, but they knew very well how proud he was and that therefore, he would not accept their offer anyway. Besides, he claimed to be quite busy over the holidays due to an essay he had to write.
Of course, that was an understatement. Severus wasn't just writing any essay- he was working on a scientific disquisition about the improvement that had been made to Gunhilda of Gorsemoor's cure for Dragon Pox. If he did well and Professor O'Flaherty gave his approval, Severus wouldn't only receive good marks like at school. There was more at stake than that. He actually had the chance to make himself a reputation, to get published in all the important Potion journals worldwide.
Raven was so happy for Sev. O'Flaherty had recognised his immense potency and was giving him the chance he deserved!
Little did she know that his rise to recognition could actually backfire on him one day.
-o-
Raven returned from Las Vegas after having spent a rather uneventful week with her parents, and almost immediately she noticed the... difference. Life in America was still quite peaceful in comparison to wizarding Britain, where the war was raging with full force now. Not a single day went by without the Daily Prophet reporting about the murder or sudden disappearance of Muggleborn wizards and witches, but the headline was always in much bolder letters when the Aurors actually managed to capture one of Lord Voldemort's followers.
He wasn't called Lord Voldemort anymore, though. It seemed as if a curse or a taboo was on his name, because no one dared to speak it out loud. He had become You-Know-Who or He Who Must Not Be Named by the majority of the wizarding population, whereas he was the Dark Lord among his supporters. But almost everyone whispered his name in either fear or awe.
Raven, however, would still refer to him as Lord V, just like she had always done.
With the dawn of a new year, new laws were being enacted by the head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, Bartemius Crouch. He was already famous for aggressively prosecuting Dark Wizards, but now he authorised Aurors to use Unforgivable Curses on You-Know-Who's followers, and it happened on regular occasions that a captured Death Eater was sent to Azkaban without a trial. Some of them would even receive the Dementor's Kiss.
In the early days of 1979, the death toll increased on both sides. Wizards and witches died in endless battles of dark against light, and for each captured or killed Death Eater, the Dark Lord ordered the death of another Muggle or Muggleborn, which made the Aurors as well as the Order of the Phoenix attack even harder. A spiral of violence had been triggered and there seemed to be no way to ever stop it.
The war was at it's height, causing an air of mistrust that brought an almost tangible change in wizarding society. Wizards and witches started to denunciate their neighbours- sometimes only to cover their own allegiance, no matter what side they were on. When it came to one's own survival in those times, many people didn't seem to be hesitant about selling their soul to the nasty devil of war. Trying to place their bets well, trimming their sails to whatever wind was blowing in reference to the latest headlines in the Daily Prophet, changing allegiances on a daily basis while speculating on who would win in the end.
-o-
In midst of all the chaos, all the fighting and mistrust that went on around them, almost jumping into her face when she was dancing, Raven tried to stay sane. She tried to not get influenced by the infernal mayhem the wizarding world was slipping into.
Of course, there were her Muggle friends that kept her sane and sometimes even beautifully distracted, but they were quite clueless about the danger they were in. Although there were people dying in their world as well, the news didn't push it up that much, and so they had no idea that there was a megalomaniac wizard out there, trying to murder as many Muggles as possible.
Punk rock was still screaming out the injustice of the British class system with all its traditional ways and flaws. Sid Vicious died of a heroin overdose in February.
Meanwhile, Severus proved that one could indeed rise from the dunghill of Spinner's End and all of its low working class charm, up to academic heights. His very eloquent disquisition about the improvement that had been made to Gunhilda of Gorsemoor's cure for Dragon Pox made it to almost every significant potions journal in the whole wizarding world.
A young potions apprentice was becoming prominent, gaining himself quite a reputation among his peers. Raven was happy for him, he had found his place in life.
The next day, however, he was crestfallen.
When she asked him what was wrong, Severus pushed the Daily Prophet over the table for her to read. Soon, she knew what was bothering him.
"James Potter announces his engagement with Lily Evans!" Raven read the headline in the gossips column. "Dashing James Potter, star of Hogwarts Gryffindor Quidditch Team for the past six years, and sole heir of James Potter senior, broke many hopeful young witches' heart yesterday, when he announced his engagement with the beautiful, red-haired Lily Evans. Mr Potter and Miss Evans were house mates at Hogwarts and started dating in their seventh year when they were made Head Boy and Head Girl. 'It was love at first sight,' Mr Potter states, flashing his charming fiancé a look of love from his hazel eyes as he takes her delicate hand into his strong one. Miss Evans' eyes are shining like pure green emeralds with happiness. She is such a lucky witch, even if it took her six years to allow the spark of love to ignite her lonely heart... Bla, bla bla, what a sappy shit! And of course are emeralds green!"
"The wedding is this spring," Severus said as gloomily as if the world was going to end this spring. As if the war alone was not enough a challenge for the wizarding world. He heaved a weary sigh, "What does she see in him?"
"Well, apparently he is dashing," Raven quoted the article, written by a certain Rita Skeeter- who seemed to be a novice in her job. "He also is a Quidditch champion, and- last but not least- he's the sole heir of the Potter fortune. They will live in a posh house, have an army of house-elves, and dear Lily will never have to worry about dirtying her pretty little hands. I think she made quite a good catch- if that's what one asks for in life."
"But I... she's wasting away her talent!"
What talent, Raven wondered, although she had to admit that bloody Lily Evans was indeed quite a bright witch, who did much better in her NEWTs than Raven herself. On the other hand- "Or she used it in a very clever way."
"But we had plans. She wanted to become a healer and I... I will have to work harder to give her what she needs, and-"
Although Raven hated to hurt him, she cut him off nevertheless, "Severus, Lily is going to marry James bloody Potter this spring, and no matter how hard you work, you won't be able to change that. For some reasons I don't understand either, your precious Lily is in love with that arrogant, bullying toerag, and if you ask me, that says a lot about her. Get used to the fact that Lily simply does. Not. Love. You. I know, it's hard but-"
"What do you know about it?" He snarled, scowling at her.
"More than you will ever fathom," she replied sadly, but Severus was still too upset about the news to pay attention to her longing glance that was directed at him.
"He'll endanger her with all his stupid, Gryffindor traits- most likely he is a member of Dumbledore's secret resistance group, heroically fighting against the Dark Lord."
"Yes, he is. And so is Lily."
With that statement, she suddenly had his full attention- albeit not in a way she would have preferred.
"What are you trying to tell me now, Lestrange? Is Lily fighting actively for Dumbledore's Order of the Phoenix? Has Potter forced her to join that organisation?"
Raven couldn't answer his last question- had Potter forced her to join? Nah, she mightily doubted that. After all, she knew Lily, and the Lily Evans she knew would never let anyone force her into something she didn't believe in with all of her self-righteousness. Instead, it was more likely that Lily Evans would force her beliefs upon the wizarding world, and if she had joined the Order, it was only because she thought she was doing the right thing in her little black and white world.
So well, Evans was indeed an active member of the Order of the Phoenix- Raven didn't have to tell him that; he could read her mien and her Occlumency shields were down anyway. All of a sudden, her usually so intelligent Severus come up with the most stupid idea ever since he actually considered to join Lord Voldemort and his forces in order 'to be able to protect Lily.'
Lily, Lily, Lily. Why was it always about bloody St Lily-on-the-pedestal-of-light-and-self-righteousness? Why was she so fucking special to him? What has she ever done for him to justify his love for her?
Raven narrowed her eyes at him, giving him the exact replica of the scowl he always used on others- including her- before she snarled, "You know, Sev, it's about time you forget about that absurd dream of you and Lily living together happily ever after. She doesn't give a damn about you, no matter how hard you try to please her- and trying to please her by joining Lord V is such a downright stupid idea that I'm actually beginning to wonder about what had happened to that usually so bright mind of yours, because you seem to suffer from a momentarily lack of intelligence.
"So get a grip on yourself! I've had it with your adoration for Lily Evans. Why don't you just go and find yourself a girl that loves you not in spite of who you are but because of the way you are?"
She was so upset, she didn't even give him a chance to answer her question but stormed out of the kitchen and slammed shut the door to her room, leaving him sitting at the kitchen table with furrowed brows. His jaw dropped.
He had no clue what had gotten into Lestrange. She had appeared so furious, but he didn't know why.
True, he wanted to be loved, just like everybody did- except for those who only wanted to be feared. Severus, however, had already experienced too much fear, too much bullying, to chose that way of life. He wanted to be loved... and he had always hoped it would be Lily who would come to love him. One day. Because Lily was his synonym for love; she was his light. Lily was the first person who had ever cared about him. She was the first who had seen more in him than just mismatched clothes and a miserable childhood, and she had treated him kindly... until that very day, end of fifth year. From one instant to the other her attitude towards him had changed. Due to a slip of tongue. And although he had never meant to call her Mudblood, that awful word had left his lips. Afterwards, she had called him Snivellus, like only his worst enemies- the Marauders- did. She had even taunted him in quite a spiteful tone when she made her remark about his greyish underwear, and she had cut ties with him, rather vehemently, when he had tried to apologize; she had given up on him.
Strangely, he suddenly realized, Raven would never do that. She was more the person who fumed and yelled at him, slamming shut a door in anger and frustration- hell, she'd even slap him in the Muggle way to give vent- but she'd never abandon him. Raven Lestrange was his solid rock in hard times, never giving up on him.
Why? He wondered. Why does she have that much faith in me?
It was because of her moral support, because of her clever way of making him realize that he didn't really want to join Lord Voldemort's fraternity of pure-blood supremacists by coming up with historic facts about other tyrants. And now he was glad that he hadn't sold his soul to the Dark Lord like he would have probably done without Raven's arguments.
Why did she care so much about him to prevent him from making a huge mistake?
Of course, they were friends. And yet, the friendship with her tasted so different to what he had with Lily. It was more... real- in substitute for a better word he couldn't come up with now.
Raven cared about him, probably more than Lily had ever done, but after all's said and done, it was always Lily's picture that popped up in his mind's eyes when he thought about love. When he thought about love it was made of red and green. Of sparkling emerald eyes and dark red hair glowing like fire in the sunlight.
But sometimes, somewhere deep in the depths of his subconscious, he saw dark blue summer skies when thinking about love.
Love was a still mystery to him. He didn't understand those crazy feelings of longing and despair because he couldn't explain them in any sensible academic way, and so he pushed them to the very back of his mind, hoping they would rot there. He'd better focus on his apprenticeship.
-o-
Raven's sexual life was... frustrating, to put it mildly. Her relationship with Severus was one-sided and unrequited, at least if you considered it in a romantic way. Of course, they were best friends- but she was growing tired of living with him like brother and sister because she wanted more.
In order to fill the void within her, she decided to go shopping. But she wouldn't just buy a new pair of shoes today. No lingerie and no fancy dress either. Today, she would make her dream come true.
Although no money in the whole fucking world would ever buy her Severus' love, there was something that would make her feel better. A dream in glittering chrome that held the promise of freedom, of feeling the wind in her face. And if fate was on her side, perhaps she could knock down bloody St Lily with her brand new Harley Davidson... on the other hand, that would leave nasty spots...
-o-
Severus left St Mungo's laboratory for Potions Research after quite a successful day, silently brimming with joy because Professor O'Flaherty had praised him. Lost in thoughts, he exited the main doors, thinking about Raven. She had met him for lunch, proudly presenting her new means of transport. He still didn't know what was wrong with Portkeys, Floo travel or Apparition that a witch would prefer to ride such an infernal machine, but she had beamed with so much happiness that he simply didn't have the heart to disappoint her. And so he had listened to her ranting about V-engines and horse power (fortunately he was not as daft as other wizards, who would have wondered where all those horses were) while she was running a gentle hand from the slightly extended front fork over the tank to the saddle. For an instant, he had stared in fascination at her fingers caressing the bloody motorbike, wondering how it would feel if she touched his body instead... and then he had quickly dispelled that thought.
But he was looking forward to go home, because Raven had promised to cook his favourite dinner in order to celebrate her newest acquisition, and Severus was willing to be happy for her.
"Hello, Severus."
He stopped dead in his tracks the very moment he recognized the voice. Turning around slowly, he saw Narcissa Malfoy stepping out of the shadows where she had apparently- been waiting for him? Severus arched an enquiring brow at her.
"Pleased to meet you, Mrs Malfoy."
"Oh, please call me Narcissa. After all, we're friends, aren't we?"
Her voice sounded sweet- perhaps a tad too sweet for his liking- so he instinctively took a step backwards. True, Narcissa had always been kind to him, but she was Lucius' wife and Severus could still recall quite clearly how one of his last encounters with her husband had ended. Then, he had been at the receiving end of Lucius' wrath, born out of jealousy or envy or whatever. And as a result, Severus had had to suffer from the Cruciatus Curse.
After Abraxas Malfoy's death, however, Lucius had pretended they were still friends. Remembering that, alarm bells ringing, Severus nevertheless asked politely, "How can I be at your service, ma'am?"
Meanwhile, a group of his colleagues left the building and spotted him with just another pretty witch- the second one today- and while some of them started wolf-whistling at the sight of Mrs Malfoy, the others were beginning to wonder what they were doing wrong if such an unattractive, big-nosed swot like Snape seemed to get all the pretty witches. A black-haired beauty for lunch and a blonde goddess for dinner. They slapped his shoulder as the walked past him, not knowing that his encounter with Narcissa Malfoy was not as pleasant as it appeared at first glance.
"Oh, you're such a dear," she chirped, flashing him her most adorable smile, "always so formal and polite."
Well, yes- but what do you want?
"I came to apologize for my husband's behaviour. He regrets so deeply that he hurt you- but you know Lucius. He is too proud a man to say he's sorry for all the things that went wrong between the two of you, but he definitely misses the friendship you shared."
What friendship? Severus wondered.
"Please, let me invite you for dinner at Malfoy Mansion tonight. You could sort out all of your... misunderstandings in a cosy, familiar atmosphere and-"
Severus just knew that she wasn't telling him the whole truth. Narcissa Malfoy nee Black would never come to St Mungo's and wait outside like a commoner only to invite him, Severus Snape, a lowly half-blood from Spinner's End, for dinner. When he politely declined her invitation (because he already had a date for dinner), her face seemed to fall and an expression of fright flickered over her delicate features; she was positively scared of something.
"Severus, please," she started to beg, and he couldn't help but feel sorry for her. "Please, you just have to come with me."
"What is Lucius up to now?"
"My husband only has your best interest at heart." The moment of panic was gone; Narcissa was back to being the sophisticated pure-blood witch. And, of course, she wasn't scared of her husband. No matter what one thought about the Malfoys, Lucius did truly love his wife.
"We will have another guest tonight," she continued, now with her nose up in the air as though she was superior to Severus due to his blood-status, but her pride appeared somewhat... feigned, and a trace of that fear was back again.
"The Dark Lord," Severus concluded in a low whisper. He had known all along that the time would come for Lord Voldemort to call him again- and he had wished it wouldn't happen any time soon. Now he had to play the role of a loyal admirer. So he took Narcissa's arm quite roughly and hissed, "You stupid witch! Why didn't you tell me straight away that the Dark Lord is expecting me?"
He barely had time to sort through all his thoughts and memories before they Apparated to Malfoy Mansion, but at least he managed to replace his most secret feelings with banal events of his everyday life as a potions apprentice.
Thanks to my dear beta Alabaster Princess.