I'm so sorry... again. I know this update took endlessly but it was a beast to write and besides, real life is eating me up. Just let me assure you that no matter how long it takes for me to post another chapter, I WILL NOT ABANDON this story. And, to look on the bright side, the next one's almost half done so you will get at least one more update this year.
Thanks for your patience, for favoring me and Children, and of course for reviewing. All feedback is welcome.
A great big thanks goes also to hypnotic ink, my dear beta
48- North of Darkness
The prophecy itself wasn't such a bad thing, Raven decided. It was somewhat comforting to know that the Dark Lord was not invincible... on the other hand, it would be downright stupid or even fatal to stake it all on one child still to be born, waiting for the saviour of the wizarding race. But the wizarding race didn't need any saviour; it needed reforms and a less... fatalistic approach of things.
She was glad that it wasn't Dumbledore who'd be the hero; she'd never trusted the old codger. Nevertheless, it was likely that the One would be the offspring of Gryffindors since the prophecy said he or she would be born to those who have thrice defied him, and defying the Dark Lord trice sounded very Gryffindor. A Slytherin would have long succeeded- well, except that most Slytherins supported Voldemort's propaganda, but that was not the point.
Raven heaved a silent sigh and turned to glance at Severus, who was fast asleep at her side. His almost desperate outbreak of passion a little earlier had surprised her, but she had willingly given in to it- how could she not? She'd always be there for him when he needed her, and his need had been overwhelming. If only... no, that wasn't the right time to wish for more. One didn't have to hear those bloody three words to know- but what did she know? In the daytime, they were best friends and at night they were lovers. Nothing more and nothing less. At the moment, it was enough. There were more pressing matters at hand. Severus was risking his life every time he went to meet Lord V, so trying to break his grip on him should be her priority... which brought her back to the prophecy. Unfortunately, it didn't specify when and where the One would be born. Regulus was probably right by claiming it was going to happen in wizarding Britain, at the end of July- of this year? And who might be the parents in danger? Most likely, they were members of the Order...
Oh bloody hell! Raven cursed silently when she realized that Lily of all people was pregnant. Also, she seemed to be just the right person to give birth to a saviour, considering her holier-than thou attitude.
A cold shiver was running down her spine as she reached for her pack of cigarettes, and she hoped that Severus wouldn't draw the same conclusion all too soon because he'd be devastated if his clever attempt at staying alive might endanger his precious St Lily in the end.
After all, she considered, inhaling deeply, it could be that she was wrong. Her imagination was running too wild, and her thoughts and ideas were born out of the fear of losing him- and that fear would always take a hold on her whenever she thought of Lily. She was the everlasting thorn in her side, the dominating shadow clouding her relationship with Severus, and for a very brief moment she was actually hoping the Dark Lord would solve that problem- only to feel ashamed of it an instant later.
No, she decided, that was no solution either. I don't want to be a substitute- and besides, Lily the Martyr would be even more insufferable than St Lily was already- and I want him to love me no matter what...
Then she postponed any further thoughts until tomorrow. Raven extinguished her cigarette and cuddled up to Severus, being wrapped in his arms in a sleepily but nevertheless quite possessive way that made her hopes flare up again. In the end, hope was all that's left.
-o-
The next morning found Severus in a rather broody mood, pondering about what to do now.
"Well, you're gonna sit your exams in a couple of weeks in order to become the best and youngest potions master ever." Raven said casually, guessing what troubled him or simply knowing him too well. Then she added, "I expect you to finish your apprenticeship with bravado."
To what point and purpose? Severus thought gloomily. His outstanding skills weren't required if he had to strive for a teaching career at Hogwarts.
"Ah, look on the bright side, Sev," Her confidence was unwavering, "You can still proceed your career in potion's research one day, even if you have to play along and keep your feet still for now. "
"Because we believe in the prophecy that a saviour will appear?" He sneered in reply, mocking her optimism.
She smiled at him and shook her head no. "Nah. You know, Sev, I neither believe in prophecies nor in saviours, but in sanity and reason. And that's what we have to fight for."
-o-
The following weeks were like a roller-coaster ride of mixed emotions. Of course, the friends still worried about the prophecy; it was on their minds almost every minute. But there were also moments of joy, at least for Regulus because his cousin Narcissa Malfoy gave birth to a healthy boy on June 5th.
Raven didn't quite share his enthusiasm. So what, she thought, just another pure blood and future bigot, spoiled rotten and raised to believe that he was superior.
"Draco's so cute!" Regulus very nearly gushed.
"Well, I'll never understand why people go all sentimental and fuzzy at the sight of a tiny maggot-like human, let alone one with these parents-"
"Ah, Cissy isn't really that bad, Raven. She's my favourite cousin." He paused as if he wanted to reconsider his words, but then he just said, "Please bear with me. After all, I'm an uncle now for the very first time."
"Wasn't there another cousin of yours who gave birth to a baby daughter some years ago? Oh, I forgot- she got blasted off the family tree for being a decent person."
"I don't want to talk about Andromeda now," Regulus said with a little sad tone in his voice and he quickly changed the topic back to sweet, cute and wonderful Draco. A child was born (fortunately not at the end of July) and now it was up to him to prevail the little baby boy from becoming a bigot like his parents, because he was going to be his godfather, and he saw a great chance in that. As Draco's godfather, he would have quite an influence on the boy- he had already promised himself to become a healthy counterbalance in the boy's life, so little Draco would not only hear the ideology of his parents. Perhaps that was another and probably more futile way on the long road of defying the Dark Lord. The wizarding world didn't really need a saviour- it needed a generation of pure-bloods that accepted it wasn't their birthright to be superior, that all wizards and witches were equal no matter of their family background.
-o-
Meanwhile, spring turned to summer and Severus' exam was imminent. He managed to study hard for it (thanks to Raven's tirelessly support, always encouraging him) and in the end he really passed his exams with outstanding marks but not quite as outstanding as he would have wished. Still, he was now one of wizarding Britain's youngest and most promising potion masters ever.
The future was wide open for him, and he actually received job offers from all over the world. It was hard to turn them all down...
Finally, he had made it from the dunghill of Spinner's End into the elitist circles of science- it almost pained him physically that he couldn't take his chance and accept the offer of any renowned potions research team. Instead, he had to hold his feet still, waiting for another chance to apply for a teaching job at Hogwarts.
No one of his colleagues at St Mungo's understood why he decided to stay, but not many were happy about it. A minority was glad or even proud that St Mungo's managed to keep him, while the majority wished he'd run off to Timbuktu or even further away, so that they would have a chance to shine.
Professor O'Flaherty, however, wondered aloud. But Severus avoided answering any questions because answering them would also mean to admit his involvement with the Dark Lord's fraternity.
In moments like these, he cursed himself for being so damned daft (or too naïve) to have ever trusted Lucius Malfoy. He should have known that a guy like Malfoy would never befriend him- a half-blood scum from Spinner's End- without having an ulterior motive. But no, he'd been too blind to see that. Or, to be more precise, he'd been too dazzled by all the promises he knew that neither Lucius nor the Dark Lord would keep.
-o-
A period of warm and sunny days made them almost forget about the war, for a short time the friends very nearly thought they were just some normal teenagers, enjoying the summer. Of course, that feeling didn't last long. Soon, the days became colder, rainier and more foggy, and people were whispering about Dementors changing the weather.
Raven claimed it was a typical English summer.
The birth of Harry James Potter came as quite a shock to Severus, for his existence was the incontrovertible proof that Lily wasn't only married to Potter- no, they had actually consummated their marriage. Icy cold needles of jealousy were piercing his heart at the thought of his Lily doing the same with Potter as what he and Raven were doing at night. But that was the proper way to produce an heir; the concept of immaculate conception was a thing of Muggle religion and had only happened once, as far as he knew.
And yet, he couldn't imagine Lily in a passionate embrace- strangely, he realized, he'd never thought of her that way although he definitely desired her. In his dreams of a perfect future he was a wizard of reputation, a potions master of high renown, and he was happily married to Lily, bathing in the light of her love and acceptance. But when he closed his eyes and envisioned a night of passion, the picture of Raven popped up in his mind's eye. Flamy strands of red hair turned black as if burned, like dark wings on the pillow, and Lily's beautiful green eyes changed to deep blue summer skies-
Severus tried to dispel those thoughts. He loved Lily. Always.
Nevertheless, he wondered briefly if Raven was possibly right, if he was indeed placing Lily on a pedestal and making her appear almost saintlike- he never managed to answer that question because while he was still trying to analyse his feelings, he suddenly recalled the date when Lily's boy was delivered. Although the dreadful news had reached him in the early days of August, Harry James Potter was born on July 31st...
...born as the seventh month dies...
No, no, his heart cried out, that couldn't be. Lily's son was not the saviour the prophecy predicted; it had to be someone else. Not because he cared for her- Potter's- boy but because she would be in danger, too. And he was relieved to find out that at least another boy was born on July 31st. Neville Longbottom, son of the Aurors Frank and Alice Longbottom. A pure-blood, born to pure-blooded parents... it must be him, and not Lily's boy. Logic almost dictated that his theory was right because- being Aurors- Neville's parents had most likely defied the Dark Lord thrice...On the other hand, Lily and Potter were members of the Order of the Phoenix, so the same might apply to them...
Severus didn't share his fears and worries. There was nothing he could do anyway. He couldn't send an owl to Lily, saying you're in danger, please take care of yourself and your son, because the Dark Lord might believe that- and then he would have to explain how he'd overheard the prophecy, and that the only thing he could think of was to run straight to the Dark Lord and tell him all about it. Naturally, Lily wouldn't be pleased. Well, he wasn't happy with himself either since he had fucked things up once again, and this time it wasn't just a slip of tongue. This time, his impotence of doing the right thing could actually endanger Lily's life.
Still, he remained silent about his thoughts and feeling. Instead, he went into brooding mode, seeking salvation or even redemption in withdrawal as he avoided his friends and also Raven's bed.
-o-
Of course, she wasn't happy with the situation, although no word of protest ever came from her lips. Raven was suffering silently while trying to get things right, since she knew what was bugging Severus. After all, she wasn't daft. She could put together two and two, and the result was disaster. But all she was able to do was to put more effort in her spying business, which had taken quite a throwback ever since the fight between Death Eaters and members of the Order some months ago. Only reluctantly the same old patrons were frequenting the Red Lantern again, but they were more close-lipped than ever. No one spoke of the prophecy or about the Dark Lord's plans concerning it- it almost seemed as if the Death Eaters didn't even know about it; an assumption that Regulus confirmed.
"As it seems, he hasn't informed his inner circle yet."
"Hmm," Raven mused, "he doesn't want to appear mortal, I guess, and the prophecy denies his claim of indestructibility."
"Yeah, it must bug him tremendously, but as far as I know, he hasn't done anything. Of course, I don't know much since I'm not worthy enough to be in his inner circle." Nervously, he scratched his left arm (which was still pretty clear of any nasty marks) and breathed a sigh of relief before he grinned at Raven. "I certainly won't complain; I'm quite happy 'bout it."
"You should be."
His mien changed as he glanced at her; she wasn't looking well. "But you're not happy."
It was a statement, not a question. And most likely, he had figured her out already. Nevertheless, Raven feigned a smile and lied that all was fine.
Regulus rolled his eyes. "Come on, don't try to fool me. We're friends, aren't we? So what's bugging our dear Severus? He's even more buttoned-up than usual and methinks I'm not the only one who noticed. Does he talk to you?"
Raven just shrugged; it was hard to hide the bitter tears of rejection that were burning in her eyes.
"So he stays buttoned-up all the time?" Regulus asked in a gentler tone but with ambiguous meaning.
She swallowed the lump in her throat. "What do you expect? Of course, he's worried. After all, bloody St Lily's boy was born at the end of July- when the seventh month dies, Reg. And we all know that he still cares about her too fucking much. So I guess he thinks about warning and telling her that she and her brat are in danger, but he doesn't know how, due to an unfortunate slip of tongue that happened some years ago. Yeah, he called her a filthy Mudblood, and probably he shouldn't have done that. But it's too late to rewind time now. The damage is done and that puts him in such a dilemma- you know, Reg, I'm actually thinking of interfering. Perhaps she will welcome an owl sent by me, and not tear the letter into pieces without reading it first-"
"Do me a favour and reconsider your idea," Regulus interrupted her train of thoughts."Yes, it is a very noble and selfless plan- but you're a Slytherin, girl. Don't rash things. Think harder, instead. Do you really believe you have to save the day? Don't you think that Dumbledore will care for his precious Gryffindors?
"Most definitely, he won't let them down. Especially not the Potters. Not after he so benevolently tolerated the pranks of the Marauders for years. So he will protect them, like he always did. After all, he was there when Severus got caught overhearing the prophecy."
There was a certain logic in his words, and Raven wanted to hug him for that; she wanted to believe in his words. However, somewhere deep inside of her was a voice screaming that things weren't always that easy... or logical... but she failed to find any fault in his reasoning, and so she said hesitantly, "You're probably right."
Now Regulus was grinning again. Sometimes it was almost spooky how much his grin resembled that of his brother, albeit it was less mischievous. But it was always distracting and today she was glad for it, for it took her mind off Lily and Severus' unwavering affection for her... until Regulus decided to make exactly that the topic of their conversation.
"I still don't get what he sees in her," he pondered aloud.
Raven had often asked herself the very same question, and in the quiet cacophony of her mind, she had always gotten the short end of the stick when comparing herself with Lily. She wasn't as popular, not as pretty...
But well, she was a better friend than Lily. Sadly, that only seemed to matter to her and not to Severus, who was still placing her on a pedestal, unable for Raven to reach.
"Hmm," she mused, "I guess... well, she was the first one who ever showed him some sort of happiness, or even affection; a brief escape from his miserable life at home-"
"Was it really that awful?"
She shrugged again. Probably, she shouldn't discuss these things with Regulus for they were private and Severus was a very private person. On the other hand, she was only human and therefore needy; she needed someone to talk to in order to ease her mind, her heart.
"Well, he thinks it was his father who fucked things up, because he's a Muggle. But I don't agree. I think his mother was to blame- anyway, Lily's friendship was his only refuge in earlier years, before attending Hogwarts, and he still clung onto that like a drowning man grasping for straws, even when they were Sorted into different houses..."
"Where he found a much better friend in you," Regulus gave to consider.
"Yeah, the Fat Crow, the most unpopular witch at Hogwarts-"
"Ah, you weren't really that unpopular. I know of some guys who actually admired your guts in always opposing the Marauders. Actually, some guys think you're much hotter than Evans-"
"Aw, stop that mindless flattery, Blackie, will you? It won't get you anywhere."
"I'm not trying to get anywhere, Lestrange. And don't call me Blackie."
They fell silent for a while, but it was a companionable silence between them. Raven enjoyed his company. Their friendship had started out as an uneasy one, more like a partnership of convenience. During the past few months, however, Regulus Black had become more and more of a really good friend to her, and she was glad for it- especially now that Severus had switched to withdrawal mode.
Snape's such an idiot, Regulus thought for about the thousandth time. He could be with a really pretty and loyal witch who'd turn the world upside down for him, but no, he preferred to barricade himself in his room, not letting anyone get close to him while he was still yearning for someone who didn't even like him. The world was a mad place.
-o-
Weeks passed, and still no baby boy or girl was being slaughtered. Instead, as summer turned to autumn, the Aurors working for the Order managed to make some arrests, among them a certain Igor Karkaroff, a Russian supporter of the Dark Lord and not one of his most frenetic followers, although he did carry the Mark.
He was one of the very few minions the Aurors caught alive, and of course that fact got expatiated on by the papers excessively. But they failed to mention Karkaroff's rather minor role within the fraternity. They also failed to mention that the figurehead of the Aurors, Alastor Moody, got seriously injured in a fight with Evan Rosier, another Death Eater.
Moody just disappeared from the scene for a while, and when he returned to public, giving an interview to the Daily Prophet, a large chunk of his nose was missing.
He had already lost a leg and one eye, which had been replaced by a magical one (thus the name Mad-Eye) but now he looked even more gruesome than ever.
Raven shuddered at his sight. "So much about 'Constant Vigilance!' It didn't help him, as it seems- now please welcome the Mad-Eye Horror Picture Show!"
Fortunately, things had improved between Severus and her; he had stopped brooding but she wasn't so naïve to believe that everything was alright now.
Severus offered her a wry smirk, knowing she was referring to a weird Muggle musical about transsexual Transylvanians from outer space (she had made him watch the movie) and for the briefest fraction of a second, the image of a tap-dancing Moody in fishnet stockings and high heels popped up in his mind's eye- fortunately it disappeared just as soon, leaving him startled about its weirdness since it seemed to be so much more like Raven's imagination and less like his own. He wished though, that he could do the Time Warp and go back to happier days, when everything was still alright between Lily and him. But when he seriously thought about it, he couldn't even tell a specific time. Was it really that long ago?
It pained him too much to think of her being a mother now, pampering little Harry- James' brat. Buthe had given up brooding about that or hiding himself away in his room. It was certainly conductive that the Dark Lord hadn't gone on a killing spree, murdering all newborn baby boys-
Also, Severus had realized in his darkest hours, he missed Raven and her friendship, which was so much more than just friendship. It was- he didn't know what it was precisely, but it felt so much better to spend time with her than just worry on his own.
"You might want to reconsider your career plans, if you don't like to end up looking like Mr Moody," he said, knowing she cared about appearance even if he didn't.
"Ah," she responded, "but he's a warrior, Sev. Dumbledore's first knight, to be precise, and the figurehead of resistance against Lord V. I, however, want to be an investigator."
Severus arched a brow at her. For a moment, he forgot about Lily as he wondered whether Raven was probably watching too much Muggle television if she truly believed that the job as an Auror had anything in common with her favourite TV series, Quincy, M.E.
Should he tell her to face the truth and accept the fact that Moody was the exact role model of an Auror? He hesitated, and then he decided to not say anything like that. Why? He didn't know. Or perhaps he simply liked that sparkle in her eyes while she was still dreaming of a better future, when he already knew that it was unlikely to occur in their lifetime. The Dark Lord had extinguished all hopes of that.
-o-
"You did what?" Raven asked incredulously, a slightly shrill tone in her voice. Severus had been gone for almost two days, and she couldn't quite believe the story he told about his absence when he finally returned. Of course, she didn't really need him to repeat it.
Kneeling and begging, prostrating myself and pleading for Lily's life... twice, it echoed in his mind as he avoided Raven's eyes, knowing of the accusation he'd read in them- and the question if he'd do the same for her. But this wasn't about her; she wasn't in danger.
From the very moment Severus had learned that Voldemort believed Lily's son was the Chosen One, the one the prophecy was about, he had done everything in his might to try and protect her... knowing she wouldn't let the Dark Lord kill her child without resistance. So he had actually begged the Dark Lord to spare her (and his request had been granted) but since he didn't trust his master, he had been looking for someone with almost the same power who would keep his word. Dumbledore.
The encounter had been an unpleasant one. Nevertheless, Severus thought he deserved the headmaster's contempt. After all, it was his very own fault, his very own selfishness that had put Lily in jeopardy in the first place...
-o-
'You disgust me!' Dumbledore said deprecatingly, after Severus brought forward his request, 'You do not care, then, about the deaths of her husband and child? They can die, as long as you have what you want?'
He remained speechless for a while. Did the old man really expect him to care about James Potter? After all that the Marauders had done to him? But well, Severus was glad that Dumbledore hadn't called the Aurors straight at the sight of him, still believing him to be one of the Dark Lord's loyal followers... and he didn't correct him.
Instead he croaked, 'Hide them all, then.' He swallowed his pride- Lily was in danger and he had to ensure her safety. 'Keep her- them- safe. Please.'
Pleading, prostrating himself, begging... once more. At least Dumbledore wouldn't use the Cruciatus Curse on him, enjoying to see him suffer...like the Dark Lord. He was still feeling kind of feeble from voicing his request earlier on, and getting a painful reminder that he'd gone too far...
'And what will you give me in return, Severus?'
-o-
It was too late to use Occlumency now. He was too tired, too mentally exhausted from occluding his mind for what felt like an eternity. Raven's brows furrowed- she was angry; he could sense that. And he knew she could read him like an open book.
But she wasn't mad at him. Well, perhaps a little because he hadn't let her know of his plans, his whereabouts, or if he was safe and sound. Of course she had worried about him, like she always did... always caring too much...
"Oh, that bloody old wanker!" She sounded more than just a little furious now. Actually, she sounded downright pissed off. "The nerve of him! Always pretending to be the nice and caring uber-grandfather, when in fact he's just a manipulative bastard! How dares he ask for anything in return? You gave him valuable information concerning the safety of one of his precious Gryffindorks, so that fucking bastard should be fucking grateful instead of- I mean, it's his fucking job to keep them safe! They're endangering their life for him, every every fucking day they're on a mission for his Order- so what the fuck is he about? What did he ask of you? Bloody hell, I hope you didn't agree to whatever-" But her hoping was in vain, as Raven figured out after taking a glimpse at Severus' face, and she ran frustrated fingers through her hair. In a softer tone she said, "Merlin, you're a daft fool, Severus Snape, and I hope you know that."
Now that she mentioned it, Severus was feeling quite foolish indeed. She was right, he realized. Dumbledore had outwitted him. The headmaster should have accepted the information with a benevolent smile, but instead he had chosen to test him- and he, he had been taken in by the old wizard. His panic, his fear for Lily had made him too blind to notice the manipulation before, and now it was too late to change anything; he couldn't make his promise undone...
"Don't be too harsh on him, Raven," Regulus interjected pensively. She had called him early in the morning, being mightily jazzed because Severus had gone missing, fearing the worst... Fortunately, though, Severus had returned safe and sound- which was almost a miracle, given the fact that he'd met both the Dark Lord and Dumbledore in the meantime. "You know, Dumbledore could have chosen to call the Aurors to his meeting with Snape-"
"But Sev's no Death Eater; he doesn't even have a mark."
"Right, and we know that. Alas, nowadays people are ending up in Azkaban for lesser reasons, only because they are suspected members of the Dark Lord's fraternity."
"Still, that's no excuse for Dumbledore's bloody manipulative ways!"
"All's fair in love and war..." Regulus sighed; he hated to be the voice of reason (although one was needed) since he didn't know whether he of all people was the right candidate.
Love and war, Raven thought as frustration took the upper hand of her, tasting like bitter bile in her throat. He did it all for Lily. Always for bloody St Lily...
"I hope you didn't tell him anything about the Horcruxes, though," Regulus continued, now addressing Severus- who fortunately shook his head no.
"My attitude might appear a tad... frantic... to you, but I'm not that daft, thank you very much. I know an ace when I got it up my sleeve." He'd do anything for Lily, he'd even promised to keep her boy safe, bloody Harry Potter- and yet, he hadn't given away everything.
"Well, please keep it there-"
"Yeah, it would be very kind of you if you could avoid selling us to Dumbledore just for bloody St Lily's sake," Raven hissed, interrupting Regulus, and she didn't give a damn if she sounded jealous or pissed off... or both. Because she was. Mind, she wasn't really mad at Severus. Perhaps, she was mostly angry at herself for being so foolish and hoping he'd get over Lily one day. If only... but there were no more if onlys; she'd done everything she could to win his heart and apparently she had failed. Now, all she could do was to cut their losses by reminding Severus that she didn't trust Dumbledore. Not at all. "So what did you give him in return?"
Severus smirked ever so slightly, although it pained him to see Raven so upset, so hurt... all because of him; because he couldn't give her what she wanted. But this wasn't about them, he reminded himself. It was all for a greater good- as Dumbledore had said- and, funnily, the Headmaster seemed to have the same interest in mind as Lord Voldemort. "He wants me to take up a position at Hogwarts..."
"Blimey!" Regulus gasped. "What a fortunate coincidence! Isn't that just what the Dark Lord asked you to do?"
"Indeed." Knowing that he was now serving two masters with the same intention didn't make things better. He was still caught in a downward spiral, winding down, down... down until no hope was left. But he had to play along; he had to grin and bear it. For Lily. And- last but not least- for his friends.
So if both, Dumbledore and Voldemort, wanted him to spy for them, there might be some information left worth sharing with his friends. True, it was a risky job- but not more risky than what Raven was doing every night for the last two years. Had she ever complained? No. So he could be a spy, too, postponing his own career plans into an uncertain future... it didn't matter. He'd never had a prospering, promising future anyway. Only hopes and dreams that were irrelevant now.
But, after all was said and done, he had not exceeded his limits, had not gone too far... had not sold his soul to the highest bidder.
And yet, he had to face the consequences of his actions. He had sold the prophecy to the Dark Lord just to save his own skin; so he was to blame for whatever spark he had ignited, even if it was merely by accident. Clearly, he hadn't chosen things to turn out that way.
And therefore, it didn't seem right to him to continue his sexual relationship with Raven any longer- after all, he was going to join the Order of the Phoenix and to take up a position at Hogwarts, spying for Dumbledore and the Dark Lord alike. Because of Lily. Anything to keep her safe.
As a conclusion, there wasn't any time, any space left for Raven. He already feared the drama that would follow his decision for it was something he dreaded because he never knew how to handle drama, an emotional outbreak, tears...
But there was no drama. No tears, no scene, no cursing him violently for giving up what was between them. Instead, she stayed cool, perhaps a tad too cool for his liking, and he almost wished for a more... emotional... reaction- or just any reaction at all. She just stared at him while he tried to explain that he cherished their friendship, then she said, 'Alright,' took her jacket and left the room, left the flat, without looking back.
If only she'd slammed the door, or something like that. But no, she simply left and kept him waiting for her return.
First, he was mad at her for leaving him while he still needed a friend to talk about all the things that had transpired while he was away, kneeling and begging, pleading for Lily's life. Then, slowly, he realized it might have been exactly that attitude of his that had made Raven walk away in the first place: his selfishness. After all, she said she loved him so naturally she wouldn't be taking all his talk about Lily well.
Severus almost regretted his decision. He was so certain he'd done the right thing- but why didn't it feel right, then? Why did Raven's absence made him feel so miserable? Severus was confused. He didn't want to be ruled by strange emotions when logic told him it was better that way. And not only logic told him so; there was also his guilty conscience, his remorse and longing for redemption- You disgust me, hecould hear Dumbledore's words ringing in his head over and over again until he was disgusted by himself and all that was left was his sense of duty. Dumbledore had given him a chance to compensate for his sins and he had willingly accepted it. He'd do what the old man wanted him to do, for Lily's sake. It was alright.
Nevertheless, he felt as if he'd fucked things up again. Again and again. Perhaps that was his only talent.
Severus missed Raven. Sometimes, talking to her made him see things clearer or it made them more bearable due to her way of approaching them. Disrespectful, not giving a damn about traditions, rules or regulations, or all the other things that hardly made sense to her.
His initial anger subsided soon and was replaced by worry when she didn't return for a long time. Of course, she often stayed away for the night since her dreadful job requested just that- but tonight she wasn't dancing at the Red Lantern; it was not her shift.
So where was she? Severus tried not worry too much, knowing she was quite a formidable witch who could take care of herself pretty well- but this world was a mad place and theirs in particularly because it was at war. What if something had happened to her?A wave of panic seemed to wash over him at the sound of what if was ringing like a cacophony in his head; he could surely cope with a lot of things and nothing would be too hard, but most definitely he couldn't handle life without Raven gracing it with her very own sunshine...
If Severus hadn't been in such an inner turmoil, he would have wondered about that fact, pondering it over until he'd finally realize the truth. But he was much too busy worrying about Raven while at the same time he felt guilty for doing so, because his worries should be focussed on Lily. This world was a mad, dark place and his was even darker; he was north of darkness.