Children of the Revolution

by Istani

Marauders era. Will a friend, someone who really cares, manage to tilt the scales when the time comes for Severus Snape to make a crucial choice? Of love triangles and a Silver Trio. AU.

49. The Damned don't cry

So sorry, real life is such a b**** and my head's too full with all those tedious business things to find more time for writing. Still, I will keep my promise and not abandon this story.

Thanks for your patience

And a big thanks to my dearest beta, hypnotic ink.

49-The Damned don't cry

Finally, Raven returned. About a day later... or, to be precise, twenty seven hours and endless more minutes and seconds later. Severus' heart almost jumped with joy the very moment he heard her turn her key in the lock. Then she walked into the room- her room- and her eyes widened with surprise when she saw him sitting there on her sofa, almost the way she had left him, while his eyes widened at the sight of her.

He jumped to his feet, staring at her with a mixture of relief- Merlin, she's safe and sound- and shock, since she was looking so very... different. Butat the same time so much more like Raven than in the past few months, because now she was back being the Raven he'd met so many years ago. The crazy girl with her unique style, wearing purple bell-bottoms and hilarious orange flokati rugs at Hogwarts, prancing the corridors with her star-spangled platform boots, shocking his father into civility with a glittering jacket. What had become of her recently? Why had she faded into the nothingness of black jeans, black shirt? Was it because of him? Had he extinguished her spark? Was that just another thing he'd fucked up?

Now, however, she seemed to be back being her own, unique self, though in a different style. More adjusted to the 80's.

She was still dressed mostly in black, but it was a new style that included footwear one should need a licence for, because her shoes had killer high heels and were as pointed as a dangerous weapon.

And yet all he could do was to stare at her like a fool, incapable of saying anything more intelligent than gasping, "What happened to your beautiful hair?"

Raven's eyebrows shot up to meet her fringe, which was hanging down in her face at the left side while the opposite side was standing up in an unruly fashion... and unruly seemed to be the main theme of her hairstyle. The sides of her head were shaved to only a few millimetres, and on top was a backcombed mess resembling a Mohawk, while the hair in the back was still long. It was a weird mixture of Ziggy Stardust meeting post punk goth rock, and it was red. Very red. All different kinds of red, although mostly the bluish hues. Carmine, magenta, ruby, crimson, dark raspberry... It reminded him of wine. No cheap wine, of course, but the kind of wine that treated your taste buds with a challenge, smelling of rich, sun-blessed soil and a bouquet of various dark red berries in the aftertaste...

"Oh, you liked my hair before?" She said ever so sweetly, almost dangerously sweetly as she took off her jacket and let it carelessly drop to the floor. "Too bad you failed to ever mention that- besides, I thought you like red hair?"

Now she was having a dig at him because of Lily. Lily had red hair... well, in comparison to Raven it was a moderate red. Soft and gentle, with golden hues. Autumnal shades. Not as flashing, bold and daring as Raven's hair. However, it suited her. Very well indeed...

But Severus just stood there, unable to make a compliment that could have possibly abated the tension between them, while he was still staring at her like a fool- feeling like a fool- rendered speechless because, for a moment, he wanted to swap all the emeralds in this world for sapphires. What was wrong with him?

Meanwhile, Raven sat down on her sofa, wincing a little as she did so. Although she tried to hide it with a smug smile, he noticed it nevertheless and his expression changed from confused to worried.

"You alright? Are you wounded?"

Only my pride, thank you very much, she though. "Nah, I'm just a tad... sore..."

"Sore? What happened to you and where have you been?" Severus demanded in an accusing tone. He wanted to shout at her, but his words came out rather waspishly instead. Obviously, there was no need to worry anymore. She wasn't seriously injured, so it was alright to be mad at her. After all, she had left him in the dark about her whereabouts, leaving him waiting, anxiously...

Well, yes, he had broken up with her, had ended their... romantic? sexual?... whatever relationship. But he hadn't ended their friendship. This time, he hadn't fucked things up completely- or had he? They were still friends, weren't they?

"Actually," Raven replied with a casual shrug, "I think that's none of your business."

"We're friends," he reminded her.

"Well, if you wanna be a good friend, go and get me some Murtlap Essence."

Immediately,Severus hurried off to fetch the desired cure, but it bugged him tremendously that she hadn't yet told him where she'd been and what had transpired. Perhaps, he even deserved being kept in the dark. Because he didn't deserve a friend like her- if they were still friends, that was ...

-o-

While Raven was waiting for him to return with the Murtlap Essence, she recalled the last twenty-seven or so hours without him. Of course, it had felt like a dagger stabbing her heart when he had broken up with her, although she knew all the time that their relationship was a fickle one from the start. He didn't love her because he loved St-Lily-on-the-pedestal, and she would never be like her.

Actually, she'd known all along that this would happen. And yet it hurt so...

But where to go with a broken heart? She had walked the streets, aimlessly, crying silent, bitter tears, until she finally found herself in front of Edie's door. Tentatively, she had knocked, not expecting much. She'd never had a best friend- not since she had parted with Emma, so many years ago, and that had been a different friendship. The friendship of two innocent girls, unspoiled by all the troubles that came with growing up and falling in love...

One of Edie's flatmates opened the door, looking bored as she pointed Raven the direction to Edie's room with just a nod of her head. For a moment, Raven almost regretted her decision.

I shouldn't have come here...

That feeling, however, changed when she met Edie, who proved to be a good friend.

'You need distraction, lass,' she said and distraction she provided en masse. First, they had gone shopping, then to the hairdresser. Later, they'd gone to a pub, to one club and to another... Raven still remembered having met Jeffrey at some point. She also remembered accepting drinks from a handsome stranger, but Edie had warned her to not be too reckless, so she hadn't gone home with him. Ah, but it had been tempting for it was feeding her wounded ego that there were guys thinking her attractive, desirable. It was just what she needed. Edie knew that and said no, 'you'll only regret it.'

It was strange hearing those words from Edie, who never wasted an opportunity...

'I've got a much better idea,' Edie had said and so they went to Spike's...

-o-

Severus returned, handing her the Murtlap Essence, still wearing a demanding expression on his face. His protectiveness- although usually welcome and even desired to some degree- annoyed Raven all of a sudden. She wanted to be alone. She wanted to take off her clothes and feel the air on her sore skin. She wanted him to leave while all the same she wanted him to stay, asking for his... assistance... if only that wouldn't appear like a poor attempt to get laid. Because she would have to offer him skin. Her naked, newly tattooed skin...

Raven wasn't an expert when it came to tattoos, but she just knew that Edie had excelled herself and that a masterpiece was inked to her back now. It had taken hours, endless hours of pain. A strange kind of pain, almost pleasant- or at least not totally unpleasant... actually, it hadn't even hurt that much while Edie was working at it, and the buzzing sound of the needle had had a soothing effect on her.

If things were less complicated between them, she would have been proud to present her tattoo to Sev, although she knew he wasn't precisely a fan of that kind of art. At least he had politely declined Edie's offer to give him a free inking.

"Now, pray tell me where you've been," he snarled.

If things were less complicated between them, she would have felt flattered by the tone of his voice for it seemed to prove he still cared for her. Alas, things were complicated.

"As you can see, I've been shopping and to the hairdresser," she replied nevertheless, sounding a tad more snappish than intended. Then she added, "with Edie."

Perhaps she shouldn't have said that because his eyes got darker, taking on the touch of inquisition. "Show me."

Now, that was a bold request but perhaps without any ulterior motive. On the other hand, he could tell her a thousand times over that he wasn't interested in her and still it would be a lie- or a thousand lies- because lack of desire was definitely not the problem between them...

Raven hesitated for a moment, then she turned her back to him and took off her top.

She heard him take a sharp, audible gasp as he moved closer to take a more closer look at the lines inked into her skin, from her left shoulder all the way over her back and down her right thigh, forming the outline of roses and thorns. Those were strong black lines, more ornamental than naturalistic, but the roses were as recognisable as were the thorns. Many thorns. They seemed to be a statement, a synonym of her love affair with Severus.

"It's beautiful," he whispered, feeling slightly intoxicated by the smell of her hair, her skin, and he realized that he was much too close to her. Immediately he scolded himself for having those thoughts, those feelings- he simply shouldn't feel like that, shouldn't enjoy their proximity that much. It wasn't right to enjoy the pleasure of being with Raven, knowing that Lily was in danger. Because of him. And yet he couldn't resist temptation. "Let me help you with the Murtlap..."

Again, Raven hesitated for an instant before she agreed. It was reasonable, she told herself, since she couldn't apply the balm to her back all by herself. But in fact, she was merely longing for his touch...

It was warm and welcome. Although his fingers were elegant, long and slim, they were also strong and his hands were slightly calloused from working in a potion lab every day, cutting ingredients, handling cauldrons; his touch made her sore skin sting a little, but in a pleasant way. Sometimes, a little roughness was... appreciated. Especially when she could feel his breath on her naked skin, reminding her of happier times.

He had told her it was over and that he could no longer share her bed due to the circumstances. He had blamed it on many things, like the fact that he'd have to take up a position at Hogwarts and join Dumbledore's Order- he'd never said, though, that he didn't love her.

Well, he'd never said he loved her, either...

His hands had done their job- the Murtlap Essence was smeared all over her back successfully and it already presented the desired, soothing effect on her skin- so why were his hands still on her shoulders? Raven was slightly baffled since it seemed to her as if he was just about to turn her around and snog her senseless, and she was suddenly grateful for Edie's persistence of not letting her go home with that handsome stranger.

That very moment, a flash of light startled them and a phoenix-shaped something appeared out of thin air, speaking with the voice of Albus Dumbledore, "Please meet me Saturday at ten PM sharply outside of Hagrid's cabin. Come alone and don't be late."

'Damned Patronus!' Raven cursed silently for he had spoiled the mood. Severus took a step backwards, looking guilty for having allowed any feelings of... love? longing? whatever had been between them only a moment ago. But whatever it was, it was abruptly gone and she was feeling all naked and vulnerable in the shining light of Dumbledore's bloody Patronus. Quickly, she put on her top again. Is a Patronus capable of watching you? She wondered, and although she knew the answer was no, this unseemly interruption made her angry nonetheless. .

"Oh, that bloody old codger!" She hissed indignantly, "The nerve of him! It's so typically Dumbledore to show off with a phoenix Patronus in order to underline that he's so fucking special, so good and so pure, the bringer of light- and all for the sake of the Greater Good. It sucks! I'm so fed up with all of his bloody Gryffindor self-adulation that it makes me want to vomit. What the hell does he want from you now?"

"I think he wants to introduce me to the noble Order of the Phoenix," Severus guessed as he took another step backwards, putting up a sneer to hide his confusion that he'd almost kissed her. If only he'd be grateful for Dumbledore's interference- but he wasn't. Instead, he was slightly disappointed.

"Bloody old fart! I trust him as far as I can hex Lord V, and that's admittedly not very far."

"Believe me, Raven, I am aware of the difficulty of the situation, but I'm not a total fool. I perfectly know what I'm engaged in."

-o-

Despite his words, Severus went to the meeting with mixed emotions. Of course he wanted to help Dumbledore and his Order if that meant protection for Lily. However, he wasn't keen to meet all the illustrious Order members, such as James Bloody Potter, her dear husband, and his cronies, the Marauders.

But- and he should have expected that- it wasn't Dumbledore's intention to introduce him to the Order of the Phoenix (probably all prodigious Gryffindorks), since the Headmaster didn't seem to trust him yet.

Well, the feeling was mutual.

Ever since Dumbledore had sent his Patronus, Severus had been mulling over the words of his friends, Raven's in particular, and he'd come to the conclusion that many of what she said was true. It was Dumbledore's job as leader of the Order of the Phoenix to ensure everyone's safety, especially when he got a reliable hint that somebody was in danger. Dumbledore, however, had chosen to test him or outwit him the last time they met, seeing nothing more but a useful tool in him.

And yet, Severus wasn't as useful as the Headmaster hoped for. He believed him to be a loyal follower of the Dark Lord, what he wasn't. Severus was not in his inner circle and he didn't carry the Dark Mark; a fact he was quite glad about. No horrendous 'tattoo' was marring his left forearm.

"You know, you have to play your part well, Severus," Dumbledore reminded him (as if he didn't know that already, provided that he wanted to survive- which he surely did). "Don't give Tom a reason to question your loyalty."

"Yes, sir," Severus replied, trying to hide the slightly sarcastic undertone in his voice while wondering what Dumbledore actually knew about the Dark Lord. Alright, he called him 'Tom', what seemed to indicate that he was at least aware of the fact that the Dark Lord was his former student, Tom Riddle. But he didn't seem to know his habits of keeping his followers in line, otherwise he wouldn't have given Severus such a very wise...advice...

Apparently, Dumbledore didn't know anything about the Dark Lord brutal way of raping one's mind with Legilimency, nor of his generous use of the Cruciatus Curse. Therefore, only a fool would dare to risk Lord V's mistrust, and Severus was decidedly no fool. At least not when it came to playing games.

Actually, I'm quite good at that by now, he thought as he left the unpleasant presence of Dumbledore for an even more unpleasant one. Severus Apparated straight to Malfoy manor where he hoped the Dark Lord would reside in order to give him an update of the current situation, hoping he'd be pleased to hear that Severus was finally accepted as a teacher at Hogwarts, since that was what the Dark Lord wanted. He wanted him to be in a position to spy on Dumbledore just as much as Dumbledore wanted him to spy on the Dark Lord, and Severus was willing to do both for Lily's safety.

"Now go and tell your master that he succeeded in planting a spy at Hogwarts." Dumbledore said in a dismissive tone, not sounding like the benevolent uber-grandfather at all. Also, he didn't sound as if he trusted Severus yet. "Most likely you'll find him at the Malfoys- they're having their annual Christmas donation ball tonight. But I'm certain you knew that already."

-o-

Malfoy Manor was illuminated like a Christmas tree, blinking like a stranded UFO in the darkness of the countryside, and all the absurdity of light and shine was reflected in the glittering, fake magical snow that covered the vast garden of the mansion but not its surroundings.

Apparently, Dumbledore was right and Lucius was indeed having a party. One of his big, very important social events, raising donations for orphaned wizards and witches, or for impoverished war widows that couldn't afford their army of house-elves any longer.

Severus snorted and arched a sophisticated brow at such an obvious ostentation of fortune, fame and bad taste as he made his way towards the main entrance, while all the same he was confident that he'd actually find the Dark Lord there- even though Lord Voldemort was decidedly not a party animal. Nevertheless, he'd be there, waiting for the opportune moment to present himself and herald his ideology to the people.

And Severus was right. An old house-elf nodded thoughtfully when he stated his wish to meet the Dark Lord, bowing obediently before he led him to the Green Parlour and away from the party noise, which sounded strange and much too cheerful- considering the situation- anyway.

Lord Voldemort was sitting on a throne-like chair, looking slightly bored. That wasn't a good sign. Immediately, Severus' defences went up, building a fortress around his thoughts, his mind. Surprisingly, though, his audience with the Dark Lord went quite well, without him having to suffer his wrath or displeasure.

Instead, the Dark Lord was in an almost cheerful mood mind when he heard the good news from Severus. Everything seemed to happen accordingly to his plan, and so he once more offered his talented and apparently loyal young follower the dubious chance to become a member of his inner circle- which included branding him with the Dark Mark as a sign of his appraisal.

It wasn't easy to squirm free of such an offer, and yet Severus managed to do so without being punished for disobedience. Amazingly, his request for anonymity didn't fall on deaf ears with the Dark Lord.

-o-

Voldemort seemed to weigh his servant's words and came to the conclusion that there was no fallaciousness in them. The voice of reason and logic was coming from Severus Snape's lips, so Voldemort praised him for his thoughtfulness as well as for his modesty. Silently. He didn't believe in praising his servants aloud, but he knew that loyal servants needed... courtesies to keep them satisfied and in line. So he generously offered Severus to participate in the festivities at Malfoy Manor, even though he was not on Lucius' guest list for the evening.

The offer did also include the service of certain ladies, and at that point, Severus declined it politely

"If you don't mind, my Lord, I'd rather go home and prepare myself for the task at hand, now that Dumbledore accepted me as a teacher at Hogwarts. I have to play my part well."

He knew that neither Dumbledore nor the Dark Lord gave a damn about his success in classroom, but it was a good enough excuse to spare himself further embarrassment since he wasn't interested in Lucius' whores.

"I was once like you are now, Severus," the Dark Lord hissed, "always so studious and ambitious. Like you, I didn't waste time with meaningless pleasures of the flesh. You glance at me with admiration as you see me here, almost at the height of my power, and of course you want to be just like me. So, now you have me wondering whether your ambition is endearing or challenging."

"My Lord," Severus gasped, building high towers around his mind once more, "I would never even dream to ever be nearly as-" Ugly and snakelike, Raven would have called him, but he quickly dispelled these thoughts before they could get him killed. But why did he have to think about her now? "- brilliant and powerful as you are. I am just an unimportant admirer of your greatness. There is no-one who could possibly match you and I doubt there ever will be."

The Dark Lord seemed to be bored with his words- probably he had heard them, or something sounding similar, a thousand times before. Nevertheless, he still was in a very good mood and so he refrained from punishing Severus. Instead, he decided to prove his generosity by simply dismissing him with a languorous gesture of his spidery hand.

-o-

On his way back to London, Severus paused for a moment to think about Hogwarts. Once, he'd loved the idea of attending a school where he wouldn't be the freak, the outsider. When he was a child, he thought that such a place would exist and he had described it to Lily in the brightest, most dazzling colours he could think of. But reality had caught up with him in form of the Marauders, shattering his hopes and dreams from the very first moment he'd met James Potter. After that, everything had gone down the drain. Lily and he had been Sorted into different houses which had at long last lead to their alienation, causing the parting of their ways.

The greatest place in the world, the perfect refuge from his Muggle father, had become his damnation in the end. Hogwarts had never been the paradise he'd dreamed of; he didn't have the best time of his miserable life there- if possible, attending Hogwarts had made his life even more miserable. He seemed to have been doomed being the eternal loner (or loser; it was the same anyway)

And now he was going back to the place of his greatest embarrassment, his greatest shame. When he thought of Hogwarts, he would always recall that fateful day when he was dangling upside down in the air, revealing his greying pants, lashing out at anybody who was there to witness that embarrassing scene. Unfortunately, Lily had been his victim then, and she'd never forgiven him for that.

Life was a bitch.

Nevertheless, his memories of Hogwarts weren't all that bad. True, it somewhat scared him that he'd have to teach students who still remembered that horrible incident by the lake, but his time at Hogwarts also held some happy memories. Strangely, only a very few of them included Lily. He would have thought that there'd be more, but the majority of them was focussed on Raven, starting with her sharing those weird ice lollies with him- Mr Merlin's Magic Purple Potion- so many years ago in the hospital ward.

Feeling slightly puzzled, Severus took his time before he went home that night. Instead of Apparating straight to the flat he shared with Raven, he made a detour via Spinner's End, all the way down memory lane. For a long moment he stared at the house he grew up in; it looked deserted and more dilapidated than ever. From there he walked to the playground where he'd met Lily the first time, looking at the swing, waiting for that blissful feeling that always overcame him when he thought of that very special day. Strangely, it didn't happen tonight..

And so he continued his way to the street where Lily used to live. Meanwhile, it had started drizzling slightly; the streets were wet and desolated, and the merry Christmas decoration in some of the windows he passed almost seemed to mock him.

He knew she didn't live there anymore. Now, Lily was living in the wizarding world, in a posh home with house-elves and whatever else Potter's money could buy... Santa Claus, Rudolph and all the other blinking spawns of bad taste were laughing at him, taunting him with their twinkling lights until he felt like a fool for having come here to observe a house that didn't even bear witness of its former inhabitants. Lily's parents died in a car crash a few months before they could hold their first magical grandchild in their arms, and her horrible sister moved away after Lily graduated. Severus didn't know where but he didn't give a damn anyway.

Shaking his head, he cast a last glance at Lily's childhood home and decided that it was time to move on. He didn't want to think about Lily and Potter any more. It gave him the creeps, and he'd probably never understand why a promising and clever witch like Lily could fall for such an... arrogant toerag- to put it in her words- and waste away her future at his side.

Well, he pondered, perhaps we are a generation of losers, victims of the war. No one he knew had made a proper career yet. Many of his house mates had joined the Dark Lord, hoping for fortune and fame within his ranks. And many Gryffindors had joined Dumbledore's Order, hoping for the same, although on different, more heroic grounds.

In the end, however- and no matter which side would win- there would still be a generation of losers. Blame it all on this stupid war, nurtured by decades or even centuries of house rivalry, bias and asininity.

Severus longed to go home, to leave this all behind. At least for a while. And while he Apparated back to London, he realized that he'd never felt more at home than in those past years he shared a flat with Raven.

The lights were still on in her room; it gave him a feeling of warm welcome even if things hadn't been easy between them lately. Of course, it was all his fault. He had ended their whatever relationship. Probably that was just one of the many things he'd fucked up in his life since he'd never meant to end up their friendship, which was still very important to him. Actually, if he thought about going back to Hogwarts, the thing he dreaded most was being separated from Raven, and he already missed her and her precious friendship, her quick wit, sharp tongue and disrespectful manners. Only a few more days and he'd be back to damnation again, back to isolation. Back to students that would still remember his worst memory, dangling upside down in the air...

He wished he could just fly away to a place where no one knew his name, but he had landed himself in that mess and there was no easy way out of it; he had to atone for his sins, his follies.

Awkwardly, he pushed open the door to Raven's room, not knowing quite what he was going to tell her or why he came here in the first place. Well, he could still say he merely wanted to check on her when he saw the lights were on, and that wouldn't have even been a lie. It wasn't quite the truth either.

She was dozing on her sofa but was wide awake the moment he entered the room.

"Sev, you alright?" Raven asked with a husky voice, the evidence of sleep ringing in it.

"Yes," he replied monosyllabic, and probably he should have left then. He knew that she was alright and she knew that he was alright, so everything was fine between two friends.

"So you met Dumbledore?"

He nodded in the affirmative.

"But he didn't invite you to join his prodigious Order, did he?"

Blame it on the glorious play of colours of her lava lamps or on the sound of music ringing from the speakers- it seemed to represent his current mood, dark and melancholic- (or on the fact that she'd always figure him out) that made him stay, awkwardly pointing at the space next to her on her sofa. "May I?"

"Why, sure." Immediately she gathered her long legs underneath her to make room for him. "May I hazard a guess, Sev? You met the Dark Lord as well, tonight?"

Again, he nodded; she simply knew him too well.

"But you're alright?"

"The Dark Lord was in a rather splendid mood today. As it seems, I'm his most reliable and loyal servant- at least at the moment- because I managed to get that position at Hogwarts."

"Cool, but does he know that Dumbledore wants you to spy on him?"

"He does, and that idea kind of thrills him since he doesn't expect disloyalty from me, his most humble and modest servant." Sarcasm was dripping from his velvety voice, carelessly, since his mind was focussed on Raven. Her red-wine-and-berries-coloured hair was still strange to him, but even stranger was the fact that it still smelled of green apples. And when had he moved so close to her that he could have realized it?

Nevertheless, he welcomed the familiar warmth she radiated, and she wasn't averse to his proximity either.

-o-

Later, Severus couldn't quite recall how it had happened but a sudden gesture of tenderness had led to a kiss and then one kiss had led to another. When had his fingers discovered her soft flesh, remembering the bliss of touching her and being touched? All his resolve was shattered into pieces and he didn't give a damn about it, bathing in the comfort she gave him when they were once more entwined like lovers, groping desperately at each other in the heat of passion.

"We have to stop this," he gasped, breathlessly, as he slowly regained his senses and realized what they'd just done. Strangely, it still felt good, much too good.

"Why?" Raven almost laughed. She arched a quizzical brow at him. "I mean, you started it."

"I know. I'm sorry- no, that's not quite true..." Severus sighed. If only life would be less complicated. "It's just... I don't want you to get your hopes up too high, Raven. We can't be together."

Instead of feeling affronted or sobered, she noticed the little sad tone in his voice which for once didn't sound like his usual lame excuse that he'd always and forever love St Lily on her pedestal. And so she didn't reply but waited for him to explain.

"I'm leaving for Hogwarts in two days..."

"Oh, so soon already?"

Severus offered her a wry smile. "Dumbledore wishes to discuss the curriculum with me."

"At Christmas?"

"He believes it to be the opportune time- all or most of the students are gone for the holidays, which gives him plenty of time to instruct me. I assume he wants to make certain I keep to the very same curriculum Professor Slughorn invented some decades ago."

"Just like he still thinks Borage the height of Potion literature."

He chuckled darkly. No one understood him like Raven did and he missed her already. Life at Hogwarts would be a joyless event without her by his side, something he dreaded more than he was ever going to admit. Severus couldn't help but run his fingers through Raven's red-berry-wine hair, knowing it was a very tender gesture and actually feeling a great deal of tenderness for that wonderful witch in his arms. "Ah, it's more than that, I guess. Most likely, Dumbledore fears I might teach the students the Dark Arts instead of Potions, and he wants to prevent that."

Raven laughed without sounding amused; she knew Severus better than Dumbledore did to know that this notion was just too absurd. Of course, Severus was fascinated with the Dark Arts. But he was even more fascinated with the subtle art of Potions and took more pleasure in a bubbling cauldron than in torturing people or anything like that.

"Stupid old codger. Anyway, we'll stay in touch, won't we?"

At that point, Severus disentangled himself from her embrace and propped himself up on one elbow to give her a stern, sad glance. "I'm afraid that won't be possible."

"Why ever not?"

The voice of disbelief rang in her words and her tone sounded a tad too shrill and spoke of all the hurt he had wanted to avoid – that's why he had broken up with her in the first place. Now he condemned his neediness, his allowance of that outbreak of passion only so that he would feel a little better, comforted and satisfied, while taking the risk of hurting her even more and breaking her heart. Again and again and again.

"Dumbledore didn't speak it out openly, but he gave me the impression that all the owl post at Hogwarts is being intercepted for reasons of safety, and even though I know you won't send me any compromising news, I still prefer him to not find out just how much-" you mean to me. But he never spoke out that part of the sentence, slightly confused by the sincerity he felt about it. "I... I neither want him nor Voldemort to know that we're friends." Or more? Well, it was definitely more than just friendship even though he still hesitated to call it love. "I don't want to endanger you because of my follies."

His words were brimming in her head, not making any sense- she realized he merely wanted to keep her as safe as possible, which was definitely very gentlemanly and cute... but pointless. She was in too deep already, anyway. Even if neither Dumbledore nor Voldemort knew of their friendship, she had long chosen her own little involvement in this war when she had signed her contract at the Red Lantern.

His fingers traced he outline of her tattoo, lost in thoughts as it seemed. Then he cleared his throat as he wound a streak of her strangely coloured hair around his fingers, apparently worried.

"You look much too... striking... anyway." Please quit your job at that damnable place! It's too dangerous!

"Ah, " Raven replied, feeling flattered by his worries although they were absurd, and so her voice took on a slightly sarcastic tone. "So you believe me incapable of casting a reliable glamour?"

Now he was feeling silly for he hadn't considered that. She was right, of course. She was quite a capable witch and he was making a fool of himself because he always worried too much... because he cared too much.

Without calling it love he kissed her again and while he cherished the taste of her lips, he already dreaded having to say goodbye to her all too soon. Hogwarts would be a dark and lonely place without her.

-o-

Less than two days and they would have to part, have to say goodbye for a very long time. Raven would not be able to see Severus, meet with him, speak with him- not even via owl post- and that frustrated her tremendously. In less than two days he'd be gone and they hadn't even started to solve the mystery of their relationship yet. Was it just friendship with benefits or was it more? Did he mull over this question just as much as she did?

If only we could spend every free minute left together, she wished- but real life was a bitch that didn't even grant them that little pleasure. Severus had to be at St Mungo's for some important, last minute brewing tests and she couldn't stay away from work either. And unfortunately, their working schedules didn't coincide at all. He had a daytime job while she was busy late at night or in the early hours of the morning, since hers was a shady business. But it was necessary, she kept telling herself when she overheard some Death Eaters talking that night; it gave her an uneasy feeling albeit she couldn't quite put her fingers on what it was precisely that bothered her.

Lost in thoughts she went home, hoping for a chance to talk things over with Severus but fearing that he'd already left for St Mungo's when she arrived- he really seemed to be keen to finish his experimental potions there before he was doomed to waste his talent away at Hogwarts.

The bright neon lights of Christmas managed to cheer her up for a brief moment. In those pretty lights even all the evil of the world looked so pretty... and so very fucking trite.

Then she saw that advertisement- she had already mulled over what to give Sev as Christmas (or farewell) present, something to remind him of her and the good times they'd had, but hadn't come up with anything suitable yet. Well, that was it. Praising modern Muggle technology, she easily came up with a sufficient spell so that Sev would be able to use it at Hogwarts. The idea made her smile.

-o-

Severus hated long goodbyes. They usually ended in tears and tears made him feel uncomfortable, therefore he politely declined Raven's offer to take him to the station where he would board the Hogwarts Express. Besides, she had threatened to take him on her infernal motorbike, and that made it even easier for him to decline. After all, he was a wizard. He could pretty well Apparate to Platform 9 3/4 and spare himself the shame of possibly being spotted riding a Muggle vehicle... or in her company. It was too dangerous. He didn't want her to be involved in all the mess he'd gotten himself in; he wanted to keep her out of it as much as possible- even if he knew that that was neigh impossible since she was in too deep already and not only thanks to him. Nevertheless, the less either the Dark Lord or Dumbledore knew about her the better.

And yet he almost regretted his decision when she grabbed him and kissed him, and it was quite a fiery, passionate kiss she gave him before she wordlessly retreated to her room, leaving him slightly breathless.

He thought he could still feel her lips burning on his when the train pulled in to Hogsmeade station hours later, and he knew he'd miss her tremendously the next weeks and months while he was at Hogwarts. But he had to hide those thoughts in the deepest, darkest corner of his soul when he met Headmaster Dumbledore for an instructive talk about his duties as Potions Master at 'the wizarding world's finest institution for young wizards and witches' (Dumbledore's words) and he only felt strangely lonely when he retired to his quarters in the dungeon late at night, lonely and frustrated, missing his best friend. His partner in crime. His... lover.

While pondering about their relationship and realizing that she probably meant more to him than he would have ever guessed, he busied himself with unpacking his belongings and warding his quarters. It didn't surprise him at all when he discovered a little parcel wrapped in dark green gift wrap paper that Raven must have smuggled into his trunk, so typically her.

Smiling, he opened his Christmas present, knowing it was probably a tad too early but doubting that there was anyone who cared. Perhaps Dumbledore would have insisted on waiting for the opportune moment, but fortunately he wasn't around to criticise him.

It almost sent a shiver down his spine, reading Raven's short note that came along with an artefact of modern Muggle technology- which shouldn't be found in his possession if either the Death Eaters or Dumbledore searched his room. Well, he could rule out both of these chances since he trusted his wards, knowing they were as strong and impenetrable as possible, and even if someone found his new portable cassette player, Severus doubted that anyone knew what to do with it.

He burned Raven's note that reminded him of how to use and recharge Muggle technology in a magical and therefore Muggle-phobic surrounding like Hogwarts.- he already knew those little spells she had created to make both worlds coincide, just like she wanted them to.

Putting on the earphones of his new portable cassette player, he first Engorioed his collection of music tapes (also smuggled into his trunk by Raven) and then searched it for the right sound. He smiled again when he found that she had included almost everything for any possible swing of moods, knowing it must have taken her hours of tape-recording. Silly, sweet witch...

In the end, he chose a collection of punk rock classics to make his first night as a teacher at Hogwarts more bearable. Severus relaxed to the wild beat of drums, the screeching sound of strumming guitars, and the angry words of singers shouting out their frustration about the injustice of life. In all the madness that surrounded him, it was the still most adequate and reliable way to give vent to his very own frustration.