Shikamaru

The alarm clock woke us up way before the sunset and it was still dark outside. I sneaked back to my room to shower and pack my things and in a while we set our feet outside in the crunching snow. Temari looked tired, but a sly smile was there as always. I probably looked quite smug as when our eyes met she cocked up one eyebrow and said:

- Don't get cocky just because we had sex.

I didn't answer, just tried to hold back my grin behind my pressed lips, while she laughed at my expression.

We silently left the village and headed north, to the Village of the Frost. It was still snowing heavily when we reached the mansion that belonged to the leader of the village, exhausted from stumbling in spongy snow. He invited us to stay for a night before we head back to Konoha and we discussed the matters over the dinner. The leader and his daughter were very thankful for the information we gathered and decided to take all the necessary precautions, probably hiring some ninjas to guard them from now on.

Afterwards we were given a guest bedroom with two tatamis on the ground, separated by a folding screen. Temari stood in the middle of the room, trying to decide which she would choose, when my hands snaked around her waist, pulling her closer with her back against my chest.

- It really doesn't matter which one you will choose as you will be sleeping with me. – I smiled against the nape of her neck and planted a kiss there, to which she slightly winced.

- I told you not to get cocky, Shikamaru. – She snapped.

- I'm not being cocky.

She turned around to stare into my eyes with unreadable expression on her face and I could only hope I didn't get myself in trouble and won't have to endure her rage but her unpredictability got me again as she gently wrapped her hands around my neck and leaned closer. I wondered if that was planned or rather if there was a 50:50 chance of getting into a fight or an embrace. With her I could never really know.

- I'm just exploring why people hug. – She exclaimed, no emotion in her voice, a simple statement of a fact. Not a question either, but I answered nonetheless.

- Because it feels good.

She shrugged.

- I don't feel anything special.

- You will, over time.

- Since when you're so sure of everything? – She raised her eyebrow and stared intently, searching for a giveaway that could betray my true thoughts.

- Since it has something to do with you. – I grinned and got pinched in my ribs. I wasn't telling the honest truth and she knew it.

Temari's teal eyes shone brightly, contrasting with her blond hair. Her cheeks were slightly red, frostbitten, as were her lips that now curled into a sly smile as she observed the way I gazed at her. I gently bit her lower lip, the action quickly grew into a gentle kiss she responded willingly, and suddenly my chest filled with unfamiliar emotions making me realize I'm in this deep. I never felt this way towards anyone, I never felt this when kissing someone, I never felt so alive being with someone. And now, all I cared about was her, constantly clouding my thoughts, giving me hard time concentrating on my job or my mission, visiting my dreams and blinding me with her flashing smile. Even when I held her in my arms I couldn't get enough of her.

- I never really had anyone I could have hugged or had any physical contact with. – Her voice bespoke to me that she has entirely different thoughts on her mind than I did just now. - My brothers are not very touchy either and the only thing I remember is my mom hugging Kankurou and me, sitting in her lap, while she was pregnant with Gaara. So maybe I'm like this because of my childhood. – Her words echoed in a silent room, making it seem even colder that it was.

- That wouldn't be the only thing your childhood is a culprit of. – I answered, hoping I will not regret bringing up this subject.

- What do you mean? – She eyed me cautiously, trying to decide how to react to what she probably could feel was coming next.

- Your inability to trust others and allow them to take care of you.

Her face became unreadable again and she tore away from my arms, walking over to one of the beds and sitting down, her gaze fixed towards the window. I still stood there, almost frightful to make a move or sound, when finally, after a long while, she spoke:

- It's that bad, isn't? – She asked the window that revealed big inner yard of the mansion with typical garden and snowflakes heavily dripping from the sky, covering everything in white innocence. – I know I'm fucked up, Shikamaru. But I guess this is what you get growing up without parents to love you and take care of you. You become emotionally strong, independent and hard. A perfect killing machine, that has no idea how to interact with people intimately, how to express any positive feelings, how to react and to answer to caring. All of that is so unfamiliar to me, so disturbing and so uncomfortable. Maybe that's the reason of all my failed friendships and relationships. And sometimes I really try my best to change all that, but I fail every time and with every failure I get more and more afraid of any relationship. This, I guess, is the answer to your question you asked a few days ago. I'm afraid of all of this.

Her shoulders crouched, giving away how crushed she was for admitting of being afraid, for being fucked up, for being a failure, which I never heard her do before. Temari always had a façade of a strong, unbreakable fighter, who had answers to all the questions and witty comebacks for all situations. This here was something I understood long ago, but never saw emerge to the surface.

I sat down next to her and she glanced with her stubborn eyes, that looked like she was ready to defend her position.

- ALL of your friendships, Tem? Do tell me when ours failed?

She opened her mouth the same second I finished my question, but no sound came out. Speechless Temari. Now that's a rare.

- You're from Konoha…

- And you never were anything less than a friend to me. I had figured out most of what you told me many years ago, when I found out what happened to your family when you were a still a child, and it never had any impact on how I looked at you. You are who you are and if not everyone is able to accept you and like you for who you are, that's their problem, not yours. Everyone is fucked up, Temari. I know you're terrified of admitting it and showing it to anyone, I know you feel it makes you vulnerable, I know that this is the reason why you're unconsciously avoiding relationships. But this is the price you have to pay, because people want to know your true personality, not your masks. The meaning of trust is an ability to show your vulnerable side, your fucked-up parts, your dirty secrets you'd rather forget and hide under 7 layers of indifference or self-confidence.

A pair of teal eyes found mine and they shivered with a slight confusion and fear, trying to find an answer to the question whether my words were credible. I looked back for an answer too, for an emotion or a feeling, anything that could give away what was going on in her head. And I got my answer – I saw her eyes glistening with unfallen tears. One drop rolled down her cheek, then another, and I pulled her in into my arms, embracing tightly, listening to her quiet sobs in that cold winter night that signified a beginning.

As you can see the story will be continued! :)

P.S. I'd like to thank to all my readers and reviewers, especially anamicenas, peonyy and TaigaUchica for support and motivation for me to keep going with this story. I'm really really grateful!

I have to warn you all though, that I will not be updating daily as I did previously, but instead I will do my best to keep it good and even better. Feedback is always welcomed!

Love,

-CdF.