Author's note: Although I am not fond of the books I have borrowed a bit of Lynley's backstory from them for this chapter. Those who have read the books with recognise it.

The bed sheets were hot and clammy and there was no position he could lie in that gave him respite from his restlessness. Tommy sat up and checked his clock. Four o'clock! It was barely half an hour since he had last looked. Disgusted, he decided to shower and dress; it was not as if there was any possibility of rest. The steamy water was soothing on his aching muscles but there was nothing he could think of that would calm his agitated mind. After he had dropped Barbara at home last night Tommy had been tempted to finish his whiskey. He had uncorked and re-corked the bottle three times before leaving it and going to bed. Opening it would only have made things worse but at least drunk he might have been able to sleep.

He wandered downstairs and ground the beans for his espresso. The staccato whirr of the grinder drilled into his head reminding him of how his mind was spinning and his thoughts were dissolving to dust. Confusion, isolation and despair threatened. He took his coffee into the lounge and stood by the window staring out at the pinpricks of light that shone in the night sky. Many more stars were visible from Howenstowe and he wished that he was there. 'It's a very dark place on the back of the moon' were words he remembered from a book about astronomy that his father had once given him. As a boy he had been sceptical that what he could see may not exist. His father had explained how long it took for light to travel but it went against his intuition to believe that he was looking thousands of years into the past. Now he struggled to look a day into the past with the same clarity. He may as well be on the back of the moon.

Tommy ran his hand through his hair despondently. Her words kept running through his mind. Lui truly loved him and gave up her life for him but he failed to see it and ran after a pretty face, one that might think she loves him but will never love him the way he needs to be loved. Every word cut into him. Barbara had not said it that way and possibly did not even recognise it but he had suddenly seen with frightening lucidity that she was his Lui; her loyal slave to his unseeing Calef. Was that why she was so upset? Had she understood it too?

As Tommy had held her in his arms he had wanted to kiss her so badly it burned but his mother's words came back to him. He knew he had hurt her so many times over the years but she had always been there to pick up the pieces. She would bounce back and forgive him after every one of his 'pretty faces' or silly indiscretions. He had abused her friendship and her love by expecting that whatever he did she would always be there, a steady hand to lean on. He did not deserve her loyalty but if she had been in love with him all that time it was even worse. He had sensed it of course but he had chosen to ignore it because of his own selfish needs, secure in the knowledge she would always be there waiting. Tommy had justified it by telling himself that he would always be there for her too, and he had been, more or less. They had felt the same so it was all balanced. It probably was, but he had not realised at the time what he felt for her was love, and love was not what he thought it to be.

But last night he had wanted her to understand how sorry he was; how he appreciated at last what she had sacrificed for him. He remembered how he had wanted to scream that it was not the end, they could re-write the story but he had no guarantee she even really felt that way; it might just be his wishful thinking or his ego. He had been too scared of the truth to find out. Tommy had tried to ask for forgiveness but she had thought he was apologising for the opera not his own actions. He could not articulate his revelation and had tried to laugh it off. He was a fool and a coward.

He wanted to turn up on her doorstep and talk to her about everything but the last thing he should do now was tell her his real thoughts, how he desired her more than he had wanted any other woman. It was not lust he was sure but did he love her in the way she deserved? Even now, hours later, he had no idea whether he was supplementing his genuine love for Barbara as his friend with one of the deceptive infatuations to which he was prone. He did not trust any of it to be real although he wanted it to be true. He wanted to be in love with her and he wanted her to be in love with him. There was a passion that he had glimpsed at times behind her façade and he had envied the man who would unleash it. She would love with the fierceness that he had always thought people should share; the type of devotion and protectiveness that he wanted to give but that Deborah had found smothering and Helen had thought was weakness.

Barbara had looked for love in all the wrong places but he was hardly the right fit either. She would never get over her class issues or believe that he had finally found in her what he needed from love. At best they would probably have a short and vigorous affair that would end with both of them retreating, mortally wounded, further into themselves and away from the world. He could not do that to himself again and he could not bear the thought of doing it to her. They had already started to draw closer. Yesterday standing on the boat had been a perfect moment that even now made him tremble at power of the memory. If he continued to see her away from the office he knew he would convince himself that it would work out but he was also sure it would doom them to spiral into misery. Sitting alone on the couch where she had sat last night Tommy decided that he should not, could not, allow himself to fall in love with Barbara. The despair descended.

Morning was creeping insidiously through the curtains and he rubbed his hands over his face endeavouring to wipe away his exhaustion. He had not shaved and he knew he was dishevelled. He rose and went for a shave and another shower. As he lathered his face and began to scrape the blade across his skin Lynley caught a glimpse of his eyes in the mirror. The razor stopped as he stared. It was as if he was looking into his own soul; an essence that was barely subsisting. He thought of Barbara and the life returned to his eyes. He could not decide not to love Barbara, he already did love her. Was that so hard to admit? He knew, despite his logic and resolve he was not going to permit fear to win. What if he was Barbara's only hope of happiness? She had risked and sacrificed so much for him over time, now he needed to risk his happiness for her but he would not rush in with his usual over-enthusiasm. This time he would let it lead where it will.

Showered and refreshed Tommy had a sense of purpose and calmness that belied his sleepless night. He waited nervously until seven o'clock then dialled her number. A familiar but tired voice answered, "Havers."

"Good morning Barbara."

"Oh, good morning Sir. You're up early for a Sunday."

"I wanted to catch you before you started any activities."

"Activities? It's seven o'clock on a Sunday morning. I'm not normally out of bed let alone thinking of 'activities'."

"I was wondering if you might like to accompany me on an excursion to the countryside today." He tried to sound casual and mysterious.

"Like a school excursion Sir?" He could tell she was amused by his tone.

He relaxed and grinned at the phone. "No, more like a picnic."

"A picnic? Do your lot still do that?"

Tommy was not sure if he should be offended or not. "Yes. I hardly think it's as mid-Victorian as you make it sound Havers. Anyway if you have other plans or it is not a suitable activity I understand."

He heard her trying to suppress a laugh. He knew he had sounded pompous. "No Sir, it actually sounds nice. Do you want me to get anything?"

The excitement showed in his voice. "No, I'll arrange everything. Can I pick you up around ten?"

"Sure. I'll look forward to it. See you then." She hung up and Tommy smiled to himself, happy that he had overcome his stupidity of the morning but glad he had thought through it.

The day sparkled. There was still a wintery nip to the air which made the warmth of the sun on Tommy's skin seem more potent. Puffy white clouds floated carelessly across the bright cerulean sky and the smallest leaves of the large evergreen trees by the river seemed to shimmer in the lightest of breezes. They contrasted with the exposed weeping branches of the willows on the little islands in the water. Tommy thought it was beautiful and decided he would bring Barbara back here in spring when they could cocoon themselves under the willows and make love in the grass.

"Sir!"

"What?"

"You're drifting all over the road. Is everything alright?" Barbara was staring at him with a mixture of concern and confusion.

"Yeah, sorry I was distracted by the trees," Tommy confessed.

"Well as long as you're not distracted into the trees!"

He parked near a small isolated boatshed and pulled a large cooler bag and a rug from his boot. He undid the boatshed lock and pulled out a rowboat. "You're kidding me," Barbara exclaimed and started to laugh. "Don't tell me you own this?"

"No, of course not. It belongs to a friend. We used to come down here when we were at Oxford together."

"Oh a lady friend. I see." Barbara was smirking.

"No, as a matter of fact it was a male friend," he said as he dragged the boat to the bank.

"Yes, well you know the reputation you public school boys have!"

"Barbara! Please. Contrary to popular belief it is no more widespread there than at any other institution and I certainly have never engaged in anything like that."

Barbara was laughing at him. "Well it's good to know that you did not lose your virginity at Eton."

Tommy felt his face redden and Barbara was looking at him far too closely for comfort. "It depends on your definition."

"Really? Do tell Sir." Her inquisitiveness amused him but he was not going to give too much away.

"No, I will not but suffice it to say it was an older woman."

"How much older?" she asked as he was loading the boat.

Tommy gave in. It was clear she would slowly interrogate him until he told her and surprisingly he did not mind. "She was the mother of a friend. It happened on half break in my final block and continued for about a year." Tommy looked nostalgic. "It was a very valuable experience. It's best if you sit here. Do you want a hand?"

Barbara sat down and looked decidedly uncomfortable and Tommy assumed she was unused to boats. He started to row slowly into the middle of the river before stretching his stroke into an even rhythm to counter the current. "I'm sorry," she said contritely, "I thought it would be more like my clumsy drunken experience. I didn't mean to pry."

"It's fine Barbara but you do realise something don't you?" he asked her with a broad cheeky grin on his face.

"No, what?" She looked puzzled.

"We have just discussed the third taboo, the one you said would never happen!" Barbara blushed but did not drop her gaze. They were looking closely at each other, separated only by the two foot gap between the benches they sat on. She looked beautiful as her hair caught the light. Tommy stopped rowing temporarily and gave her one of his most genuine smiles that said so much more than words ever could.

"A lot's changed since last week, hasn't it Sir?"

"For both of us."