Author's note: Judging by the drop in comments and traffic I think most people stopped reading this story after the opera kiss so I have decided to end it here rather than have them go on to Howenstowe for Easter.
Also I have a logjam of reality welling up behind me so after 200,000 or so words on Tommy and Barbara in the last six months I need to lay down my pen for a while, although I might add the odd vignette should inspiration strike. Thanks for everyone's comments of support for my stories, I hope they brought you pleasure.
This chapter is for jan danek .10, who inspired the last scene and through this site has become a treasured friend.
Tommy read the sign again: Always remember that through the turmoil love may bring, the heart sees what is invisible to the eye. He looked down and their eyes locked in conversation. He smiled broadly then leant down and kissed her, tenderly but briefly. The unruly lock of hair that hung low on his forehead flopped over his left eye and Barbara reached up and pushed it back into place. It was a gentle, loving action and her soft touch and caring smile made him shiver. He knew that in years to come he would look back and know this was the moment they changed from friends tentatively skirting around their desires, to lovers in a deep, committed and lasting relationship. For the first time since he had been a teenager he was truly happy and free from self-doubt.
They continued to walk, hand in hand down Peascod Street towards the castle. Barbara paused at the entrance and admired the three imposing grey stone towers of the Lower Ward. "It looks like a real castle. I expect knights to charge out the gate on their horses."
Lynley laughed. "It is a real castle and if we could travel back in time we would see just that."
The couple turned left and headed down to the bridge across the river that led to Eton. Barbara stopped to study the ducks and swans on the river that were clustering around the bank looking hopefully at the pedestrians on the bridge for some scraps of bread. "It's peaceful isn't it," Tommy said contentedly thinking about his mind as much as the scene spread before them. He dropped her hand and put his arm around her shoulder and pulled her close then tilted his head to rest on hers. He could stay like this forever.
"They are like you," she said and Tommy grunted at her in confusion. "Mavis said that you always reminded her of a swan and I understand what she means."
Tommy was not used to Barbara being so oblique. "Because I am tall?" he guessed.
"Partly. You're graceful and fluid above the surface but beneath it you are paddling furiously. I think I'm more like a duck."
"More like a goose I'd have said," he teased playfully. She hit on the arm and he reluctantly moved so that he could look down at one of the swans floating beneath the bridge. It was moving its head graciously surveying the water and what was happening around it but her assertion was true, its feet were paddling rapidly to maintain its momentum through the water. The ducks by contrast had much wider feet and stronger strokes. They pushed hard then bustled around the swans pecking and diving for food.
"Swans and ducks are quite different birds but they live together harmoniously," he observed.
"Yes, surprisingly they do." Her cheeky grin invited him to kiss her and he did with a great deal of affection and a growing passion. He wondered if they could simply go back to London now and consummate their love.
As they walked up High Street past the shops and eateries Tommy dropped his arm and became nervous. Barbara ignored his change in demeanour and asked, "where's the school?"
"This is the commercial end of town but it still has close connections to the college. Most of the main buildings are up here." Tommy took a deep breath and noticed Barbara scrutinising him. "It is Lent Half break now so none of the boys will be around."
'Oh, so the school will be closed then?"
"No, they open it for tours during the three half breaks but I've arranged for us to be able to go inside alone."
"Old boy privileges eh?" she said raising her eyebrow. "So if they have half breaks how can they have three of them?"
"It's a hangover from when Eton had two halves but these days there are actually three halves to the year."
"I see. So no one from here gets A-levels in Mathematics then!" Tommy laughed and hugged her shoulder.
"Here come down this lane and I'll show you where I lived." They turned down the lane and wound around the street before he stopped in front of a classic three storied manor house. Like many other buildings at Eton it had a formal stone entrance set into its red brick walls but otherwise it was functional yet unimpressive. The oversized sash windows had their twelve panes neatly picked out in white. Tommy pointed to a window on the left corner. "That was mine up there on the middle floor. I had the dubious privilege of having windows on two sides but I think all that did was make the room colder in winter."
"They really are houses. I guess that's where most schools get the term from then."
"Yes, I suppose they do. I hadn't ever thought about it. We ate over there in Bekynton. Some houses have their own dining rooms but we used to eat there. That's where I learned how to fight for my food if I have to. Miss Micklethorp was very kind to us, especially when we first came down. I didn't like to think so at the time but just as the masters gave the titled boys a harder time, the dames used to give us extra privileges to make up for it."
"Would you ever send your sons here?"
"I used to assume I would but I really don't know now. When Helen and I lost the baby it made me realise how precious children can be and I'm not sure sending them off to boarding school would necessarily be the best thing for them, or me. It's a great education but it would depend on the boy."
"I don't think I could send them, not until their senior years anyway."
"Well we won't send them then," Lynley said decisively. He saw Barbara staring at him when she realised his implication.
"Come on I'll show you the main school." They turned back towards the main road walking in silence past an impressive Portland-stone church that dominated the skyline. "Well this is the main entrance," he said as they stopped on the road in front of an underwhelming double storied red brick building. The windows and archway that led through to the cobble-stoned courtyard were outlined in stone. To the left was a red brick crenelated addition with intricate diamond and arrow patterns in a darker brick. A motley collection of red brick buildings in different architectural style continued up the road. The entrance to one of the world's great schools could easily be mistaken for the rear of a manor house.
Barbara smirked at Tommy. "It is a bit like Acton isn't it with its fortifications."
He smiled thinly then blew his breath out through pursed lips and walked through the arch. He had been back many times but this visit was different. He wanted to show Barbara some of the seedier side of his history here and let her see that he had not had the idyllic school career of which she had so often accused him. In abstract it had seemed easy but now that he was here he understood exactly why Barbara had been so discomforted at Acton. He had thought she had been embarrassed by the humbleness of the school but he now realised she was mortified at the thought of her own actions and experiences that she had, wisely, chosen not to share.
The courtyard had not changed in hundreds of years and certainly not since he had left. "Eton was founded in 1440 by King Henry the Sixth, that's his statue over there," Tommy told Barbara. "The building on the left is College where many of the King's Scholars live. They're the smart ones that were originally on scholarships paid by the King. It is one of the original buildings. The tower is Lupton's Tower."
Barbara looked up at the clock tower with its octagonal Tudor turrets topped with copper spires. "The tops look like the pots that the wise men would've carried their frankincense and myrrh in. I imagine a lot of wise men have come from here."
Tommy followed her gaze and half chuckled. "Plenty of not so wise men too!"
"Can you get inside the church?" she asked.
"The Chapel? Yes, through here." Tommy led the way into the high walled perpendicular styled church through an entrance in the side. The ceiling stretched to heaven with eight buttresses supporting a classic fan-vaulted stone ceiling. The rear wall was dominated by a huge seven-set organ with clusters of varying sized pipes which were mesmerising. They were delicately etched in florid patterns of reds and greens, trimmed with black and gold. Beneath ornate paintings and carvings of great religious legends, the nave had four rows of long, darkly stained timber pews down each side of a central aisle which led to a traditional chancel with a large, beautifully detailed, stained glass window above the sanctuary. The blues of the glass seemed to eclipse the other colours lending an ethereal sapphire glow to the chapel.
Tommy sat in a pew and bowed his head thinking back through his years. They had not turned out to be anything like he had expected when he had first sat in the chapel as an excited thirteen year old. He remembered he had sat in his new morning suit loftily planning to be a successful barrister prosecuting criminals and valiantly defending the innocent. He had retained his values on that front at least but he had compromised so many others. Life had spiralled out of control and the more he had tried to govern it the more it had eluded his grasp. John Corntel had accused him of having becomes jaded and myopic, seeing only the bad in people and being immune to emotional connections. At the time he had dismissed it as the excuse of a good but flawed man but in reality he was the broken
man who could not connect. "These places are pressure cookers. There are always expectations to perform and then when you have other issues sometimes it becomes too much. This school was where my life started to de-rail Barbara."
Barbara sat beside him and put her hand on his thigh to comfort him. "It's okay. Mavis told me what happened with your mother and how you reacted. And then with your father so I understand now why you were so close to Corntel. We all do things drunk that we would never dream of doing sober and we all do and say things we regret. I didn't know about Simon's accident and Deborah's abortion and I don't need to hear the details. I understand a lot more now and so much of your behaviour over the years makes sense. Mistakes are part of being human Tommy. I know I'm not exactly one to talk but you can't let regrets and recriminations rule your life."
He could tell from her face that she understood perfectly. The expectations and issues may have been different but the effects were the same, Eton or Acton. "What about fear?"
"That either. Remember what the sign said? 'Through the turmoil love may bring, the heart sees what is invisible to the eye'. We both have to stop looking for the answers somewhere else and starting trusting how we feel."
"So what does your heart see Barbara?" he asked warily lowering his head, wondering if he really wanted to hear the answer.
She reached out and lifted his face so that she was looking directly into his eyes with an intensity that burned through him. "That no matter how many reasons my eyes can see to run away from this, my heart only needs to see one to stay."
"And has it found it?" He desperately wanted her to say yes.
Barbara took a deep breath. "It had it years ago."
Her admission surprised him. "So did mine. I was just too scared to acknowledge it. Do you remember that night when I turned up at your flat and stayed on your sofa?"
"Yeah, you were lonely and confused."
"I was confused because I got to Christine's flat and knew it wasn't right. I only wanted to be with you Barbara because you listened to me and you genuinely cared about me in ways no one else ever had. It was perhaps the closest we came. I was hoping you would extend your hand or something but you never did."
"It wasn't right, not then. You would have felt guilty because you are a good man, an honourable man, and even though you thought Helen wanted a divorce you were still married."
He nodded acknowledging she was right; it would have ruined everything. "It might have been better if she had divorced me, at least she might still be alive."
"You can't blame yourself, or anyone, for that. No regrets, no recriminations, no fear remember? We both have to let the past go and focus on the future Tommy, that's the only way this will work. You were right to bring me here and going to Acton this morning. There is no difference, I see that now. People can be isolated and lonely and tormented in both places. They can make poor choices in both. They can sleep around, or never sleep with anyone, because they are scared. I understand now what you've been saying about it not mattering where we've come from, it's only where we want to go that counts. I might not have extended my hand then but I am now."
Tommy could feel the tears well up in his eyes. He knelt down in front of Barbara and took her hand. "The Greeks had many different words to describe love. English has too few. Love for us is more of a collective noun that encompasses so many feelings. I've had some of those feelings for other women in the past but never before have I had all of them for one woman. I love you Barbara, in ways I never even knew were possible. I want to spend every day and every night together for the rest of our lives. Will you marry me?"
Barbara did not hesitate. "Yes, it's not always going to be easy for either of us, but yes, I love you too Tommy and want to be with you." He smiled at her, his special Barbara smile, then reached out and embraced her, kissing her gently to seal their promise.
His proposal had been uncharacteristically spontaneous but much more appropriate than his original plan. He had envisaged taking her on another picnic, complete with wicker basket, to spot at Howenstowe on the cliffs that overlooked a pretty little cove. He had imagined that he would propose formally and then they would spend the afternoon making love in the grass. He sighed at the thought.
Lynley helped Barbara to her feet and they walked back into the courtyard, their arms around each other. "We can be back in London in an hour," he said with intent as they walked quickly towards Windsor.
She stopped in her tracks. "That's the only thing that really worries me."
"What?"
She hung her head sheepishly. "You should know that I am not very good at that sort of thing. We have only really er…touched since last night and it is the longest physical relationship I've ever had."
Tommy took her in his arms and cuddled her. "Sorry, I didn't mean to rush you, there's plenty of time. It's just a physical manifestation of how we feel so it will be perfect, whenever it happens."
"I've only tried it once, years ago when I was about twenty-four. It was awkward and only vaguely pleasant."
"Did you love him?"
"No, I can't even remember his name. Michael or something I think."
Tommy was sympathetic. "See that's the difference, it was only biological. This will be very special, I promise, because we will be making love with not just our bodies but our hearts and our minds. When the time is right you will want me as much as I want you now." He gently caressed her back and then kissed her softly.
They walked slowly back to the car past the main street which was now much quieter; the tourists had gone to the castle for the afternoon tours. The bunting was waving gently in the breeze and the sounds of the cars and pedestrians merged into a harmonious hum. As they passed an arcade they both stopped. Down the narrow alley came the unique sound of Pavarotti singing Nessun Dorma. Tommy tugged at her hand and they went down the arcade to trace the source of the music. It was coming from an old-fashioned little shop set in a mock Tudor wattle and daub house. The whitewash had faded to a mottled browny-grey and the many tiny window panes were crafted from dull and lumpy glass but there was an aura that attracted Tommy and he could tell Barbara was equally captivated. A small timber sign hung on an ornate black spike above the door, 'James & Sons of Windsor, Bespoke Jewellers'.
"How quaint," Barbara said as they both pressed their faces to the glass to peek in. There was an array of fancy rings and bracelets in silver and gold in a small display case.
"That's it," they both exclaimed in unison, then looked at each other.
Tommy had not even thought about the accoutrements of their engagement. He had not even thought of their conversation in those terms but when he had seen the ring he had known that was exactly what he should buy for Barbara. He pulled her into the shop. A small man in his eighties emerged from the back. He was slightly stooped and wore a black waistcoat over a soft cream linen shirt. He looked up at them and smiled. "It will be perfect for you," he said warmly to Barbara.
"How do you know which one I like?"
He pulled the tray from the case. "It's been waiting for you since I made it." The jeweller handed Tommy his loupe as he laid the tray in front of them. Tommy picked up the ring. It had a thick strong band of red gold, slightly wider than the fashion and gently rolled at the edges. Two brilliant emeralds were set into the band which made the half carat or so princess cut diamond between them stand out and yet not look ostentatious. Tommy put the loupe to his eye and examined the stones. He could tell they were real and of fine quality.
Tommy placed the ring on Barbara's finger, amazed that it fitted so perfectly. She stared at it and then at him. "We'll take it," he told the man.
"You didn't even ask the price," Barbara hissed at him, "but thank you it is beautiful." She rewarded him with a smile and without thinking he kissed her with all the love that brimmed from him. It was met with such passion that he thought his heart might stop.
"Tommy," she said shyly when their lips parted briefly, "do they have a hotel in Windsor?" They grinned at each other then resumed their kiss.