Chapter 39 - Hardlee of Hearing
"Ook." The Librarian's tone was unmistakable. He wanted no more shenanigans.
This was echoed by Lady Sybil Ramkin. "I agree. Mister Hardlee, I trust we will have no further delays such as we have late experienced?"
"No, my lady. In fact," he smiled broadly, "we believe we have a proposal that will resolve the dispute without further inconvenience to this panel."
That caused raised eyebrows amongst the panel, and narrowed eyes from Mister Slant.
"Ook?"
"By 'Ook' I assume you are requesting specifics?" There was a nod in answer. "Very well." With a flourish, he produced three sets of papers from his portfolio and waved them. "My client has authorized me to submit this proposal to the panel." Stepping forward, he distributed one to each of the esteemed members before him with a flourish. Slant's glower, if anything, deepened.
Lord Selachii, reaching the end of his copy, was the first to speak. "This is most irregular."
"Ook."
"And yet," he continued, "considering the difficulty in seeing any likely resolution, quite appealing."
"Ook."
Slant could restrain himself no longer, and cleared his throat.
"Ook?"
"My lord. And lady. And librarian. I must protest. We have not had the opportunity to review this..." his face took on an even more distasteful expression, "alleged proposal."
"Is this true, Mister Hardlee?" Lady Ramkin asked.
"Indeed, my lady." He turned to his nemesis. "But observe, Mister Slant, that I have anticipated your every desire, and here is a copy for your review as well! Is it not fortuitous?"
Hardlee walked toward Slant, holding a fourth copy of the document. With each step, Slant's look of revulsion increased, while Hardlee's smile grew until it looked fit to split his head in half. Finally he paused a mere arm's length away, his joy increasing exponentially as Slant regarded the simple paper and ink as if it were a serpent poised to strike. Finally, Slant turned his head, signaling a clerk, who walked forward, took it carefully between two fingers as if it were tainted, and placed it on the small table that had been provided for Slant's use.
Snorting and rolling his eyes, Hardlee returned to his own table, and watched with evident glee as Slant read through the short document, his look of revulsion slowly evolving into that of a man who has just been forced to eat a live toad. Without ketchup.
"This… this alleged proposal is preposterous. A farcical construct with no meaning." He turned his derision to Hardlee directly. "What makes you think that my client would agree to a forty percent ownership in something that is his by right?"
"Ah, you misunderstand, Mister Slant. We are in fact offering Lord Rust the sixty percent stake, merely as a gesture of goodwill, you understand. This in order to facilitate settlement of the matter, and in order to make the balance of the funds accessible to both parties in the dispute." He knit his brows together in mock confusion. "Don't you find that generous?"
Slant was visibly shaken by this.[1] "My client will never agree to such a division of his wealth."
"But Mister Slant," Lady Sybil interjected into what threatened to become a lengthy back and forth between the two attorneys, "there is no clear evidence that the gold is your client's. That is why we are here in the first place. And based on what I've heard so far, I'd hazard a guess that what we are going to hear is lots of neither one of you able to explain, to anyone's satisfaction, anything of substance. It could drag on for weeks!" Slant looked positively elated for a moment, until Lady Sybil continued.[2] "It seems to me that this is a happy compromise."
"Comprom-" Slant was stricken with a coughing fit as the word stuck in his throat. Several of his clerks looked on in horror as he ejected part of a vocal cord. "My client does not wish to… partake in that word. He wishes his rights upheld!" He slapped his hands on the table in front of him in emphasis.
"Nevertheless, I am inclined to settle the matter on these terms so we can all return to our lives." Hardlee felt as if he had been given the first of a whole pile of Hogswatch gifts.
Slant, however, looked aggrieved. "My lady, to shortcut the process of true justice in the interests of mere expediency would be a serious miscarriage." As well as costing me tens of thousands of dollars in fees. "I would beg of you to reconsider."
"I am, of course, only one vote out of three. I am interested in what the other members thoughts are." She turned to Lord Selachii.
Selachii looked uncomfortable. "Well. I must say that I find myself tempted as well, Sybil. This entire matter appears, to me, to hinge upon the presence of the gold in the floor of the residence, and the manner in which it was placed there." He looked pointedly from Hardlee to Slant and back. "As we all know, upon attempting to ascertain how it was deposited there, the entire proceedings were thrown into disarray by both counsels." He shook his head, then fixed his gaze on each of them in turn. "Were I to ask again the question that was posed at the last hearing, would I obtain satisfaction, or would I receive silence yet again?"
Hardlee returned his gaze calmly with a slight smile. Slant, on the other hand, looked like he was torn between answering the question somehow, or tearing out his own spleen and throwing it at Hardlee.[3]
"I see. So, it is as I feared. The key question lies before us, and neither of the parties are willing to address it."
Slant looked suddenly set upon, his eyes darting about the room looking for some out. "A moment. A moment, Lord Selachii. Surely… that is to say. Ah. Well we of course dispute that the method of the gold's deposition is the crux of the case." Had he not already been fully desiccated, sweat would have stood out on his brow. As it was, the best he could manage was a slight dusting of embalmed skin.
"Ook?!"
Lady Sybil nodded. "I find I must agree with the Librarian. It is central to the entire dispute."
"Ook."
"Then we are unanimous?"
There were nods of assent from all three members of the panel, and Slant felt as if the entire Disc had been pulled from under his feet.
Lady Sybil gestured to the Librarian. "With your permission, Librarian?"
"Ook."
"Very well. Mister Slant and Mister Hardlee, you both will convey to your clients our unanimous recommendation that this proposal be approve by Lord Vetinari, and that both parties likewise agree to be bound by it."
The Librarian, seeing an opportunity, slammed a coconut down onto the table,[4] Selachii wandered off for a stiff drink or twelve, and Lady Sybil went to feed young Sam.
There was a horrible, tearing sound. It appeared that Mister Slant's fingernails had experienced a disagreement with the wooden table he stood before. As a result, three fingernails had dug furrows in the wood, while a fourth had come completely loose and was embedded in the grain.
Hardlee, on the other hand, found that he was enjoying this much more than he had anticipated.
Just maybe, Hardlee mused, Slant's head will explode after all.
[1] Not least because the terms of the deal were perilously close to… well to charity. *shudder* Which no self-respecting attorney would associate with.
[2] It is a little known fact that while it is in the client's best interest to resolve litigation quickly, this is not necessarily in the best interests of the attorneys representing them. The best example of this is the matter of Jaundice v Jaundice where two cheesemonger brothers found themselves at odds over the ownership of the largest wheel of cheese ever produced in Ankh Morpork. Each found themselves signing contracts with their attorney granting him a portion of the cheese weekly, in lieu of cash payment. The end result after months of litigation was that they found that they no longer had any cheese remaining to fight over and both their attorneys had died of constipation, whereupon they reconciled. In retrospect, it may have been the best of both worlds.
[3] Giving the term "venting one's spleen" an entirely new and much more literal meaning.
[4] Thereby signifying they were adjourned and providing an after-hearing treat at the same time.