The next thing I knew, I was waking up. The house was semi-dark; it looked like it was twilight outside. I slowly lifted my head up out of the cushion, winced at the crick in my neck, and wiped the drool off of my face. "Mom?" I called. The house was unusually silent. It almost sounded deserted. And unexplained panic gripped me. "MOM?" The sound of my lonely voice echoed through the house. No sound could be heard besides a faint rustling. I got off of the couch slowly and cautiously. "Mom? Is that you?" No answer. The rustling sound grew louder and more distinct as I neared the kitchen. "H-hello?"
"Hello!" came a lively, yet unfamiliar, voice from behind me. I gasped and turned quickly, my fists curled. But the sight of the man in front of me stopped me cold. He looked almost normal, with his spiky brown hair, pinstripe suit, white converse, and long tan coat. But there was something about him, some aura he gave off, that made me feel like this was a person I could never understand, yet could trust completely. I knew he was here to help. I noticed his arched left eyebrow as his gaze rested on my fists. Immediately, I dropped them to my sides.
"And what have we here?" he asked and flashed a smile in my direction. "A young boy defending his family home? That's what I like to see." He came closer and gave me a friendly pat on the shoulder. "Now, what might your name be, lad?"
"Je- Jeremy Pataki," I said, still a little shaken at the sudden appearance of a complete stranger in my home, a stranger who I somehow wasn't running away screaming from. "Are you here to help?"
The man looked me straight in the eye and said, "Yes. I am." I looked into his eyes in the fading light, and saw in them more than I could ever hope to imagine, see, or be. I nodded. I trusted him completely. "Great! Well then, let's get started!" The man whipped out a strange looking device from his pocket and clicked a button. Immediately the tip shone a bright blue. It looked like a laser. The man explained good-naturedly, "By the way, this is a sonic screwdriver, and I'm the Doctor." It was, without a doubt, the most incredibly epic moment of my life. That is, until the Doctor lowered his screwdriver and yelled, "Donna! Are you almost done in there?" I heard the distant flushing of a toilet, and a few seconds later a red-headed woman came bustling around the corner from the hallway.
"Alright, alright, you don't have to be so naggy, Alien Boy! I just had to use the loo, for goodness' sake. It's not like I can just hold it when we're saving the planet."
The last words of the woman's declaration startled me even more than her sudden appearance. "Saving the planet?" I asked incredulously.
"Yes," the Doctor said. "It's what we do, you see."
"Oh."
"Now, can you tell us about what's been happening here?"
Immediately, I poured out my story. Even as I described the mutant, world-conquering cheese-puffs and their plan for world domination, I felt like a loon. Who would ever believe that it was possible? But the Doctor and the woman, Donna, acted like I was simply describing a normal, everyday occurrence.
I finished my story on my waking up and finding the house deserted, and hearing the distant rustling, which may or may not have been the Crunchies bag. "Right," said the Doctor, pacing back and forth in the space between the living room couch and the entrance to the kitchen, where Donna and I were standing. "Right, right, right… small, edible life forms… conquerors of worlds… steal life from host beings…" He paced like that for a few minutes, his hands shoved deeply into his wild hair. Donna and I watched in silence, waiting. "AHA! Brilliant!" He whirled around to face Donna. "I know what they are," he said. "Biscuit-men, from the planet Snap, in the Teja galaxy."
"Planet Snap?" asked Donna dubiously. "Are you serious? What sort of name is that? How much more obvious can you get?... And Biscuit-men? Ha! Really? Couldn't they have been a bit more creative? I mean, these walking, talking crisps must be really thick!"
"Donna, these creatures are far more deadly than they sound. What they said to Jeremy is true; they have wiped out hundreds of civilizations before. They're probably more dangerous than most of the things we've faced so far, because they're small and quick and sneaky and almost impossible to get rid of. They infiltrate your planet and your food sources a little at a time, gradually moving in their almost innumerable force until almost every home on the planet is infested with these nasty little creatures. In silence, they begin to steal all health and vigor from the inhabitants. Then, when the time is right, the Commander gives the signal, and all at once, the Biscuit-men attack. They kill off all of their weakened hosts and keep the energy and life for themselves, just enough to move on to the next planet."
I could barely take in all that the Doctor was saying. But it all made sense. It certainly matched what the cheese-puff had told me. "But, how do you know all that?"
"I happen to know a lot of things, Jeremy. Just think of me as the walking encyclopedia of the universe." The Doctor gave me a friendly wink. "Now, let's go see what…"
"But, how do you know all of this stuff about the universe? I mean, we've only just got to Mars. How do you know what is out there?"
"Well, obviously, because I'm not human," said the Doctor. "I mean, do I really look human to you?"
"No," I said. The Doctor looked ready to move on, but I cut in again. "But what are you, then?"
The Doctor's left eyebrow flew up again. "Y'know, we really don't have time for this. We are on the cusp of a deadly Biscuit-man invasion." Silence. Nobody moved. The Doctor sighed resignedly. "Alright, alright, I suppose you deserve some explanation. In the shortest possible terms, I am a Time Lord from the planet Gallifrey, and I travel around in a big blue box that's bigger on the inside and almost constantly save the earth and universe. Got all of that? Good, now off we go! To the kitchen!"