Not fully understanding how she had found herself wandering through the O'Neill/Carter house, Nicola had managed to find her way into what she could only assume was Daniella's bedroom. It was all cute and girlie with flowers on the carpet, toys on shelves and images stuck on the walls. Randomly, Nicola picked up a teddy bear from the bed and held it in her hands. As the oldest in her family, Nicola was used to children and having them around, however there was something about the innocence of the teddy bear she held that suddenly made her feel incredibly tainted. Ever since her 'death' at the hands of Osiris/Sam, Nicola had tried her hardest to form new friendships, to maintain a 'life' that was more than simply work. Sometimes it failed her and everything she had been through would flood back into her mind and she would want to run to her bed, hiding under the blankets and falseness of daytime soaps.
"Knock, knock." Nicola jumped at the voice and gentle tapping on the door. "Didn't mean to make you jump."
Turning, Nicola forced a smile on her face, but she knew it would not fool anyone. Evan was standing in the doorway, a sympathetic look on his face. He was worried about her. They had only been friends for a few months, after a random mission and then bumping into each other in the commissary and gym on a few occasions. Evan did not know much about Nicola outside of external elements, he knew nothing about her ordeals over the months, or how she worried something had changed within her when the sarcophagus had brought her back to life.
"You okay?" Nodding, Nicola did not trust her own voice. "That woman with Daniel," he began and she wondered how much he knew about the mission reports. "Who is she?"
"An old friend of Daniel's."
"And?" he pressed, stepping into the room and closer to her.
"When SG-1 went to rescue Major Carter, Sarah was the cause of it." Nicola could assume that the O'Neill/Carter house was safe to talk in, but there were still civilians around and she was not sure how much detail of other missions Evan was privy to.
"Gardner, right?" Nodding, Nicola hugged the teddy bear to herself, wrapping her arms around it and her own upper body. He probably knew the basics; everyone probably knew the basics.
"It wasn't her," she whispered, "but I still feel… odd around her." Even when Doctor Fraiser had tried to get to the bottom of it, Nicola could not explain her feelings regarding the innocent Sarah Gardner. Perhaps it was simply the parting comments the traumatised, ex-host had left her with on the one occasion Nicola had visited her: Trust no-one, Lieutenant Carpenter, for when the time comes and you learn the truth, it will be too late. You have already lost him.
"What wasn't her?"
Tilting her head slightly, Nicola read the spines of the children's books on the shelf next to Evan. Keeping one part of her mind on the books, musing on the titles, outwardly, she answered his question. "I died. And I was brought back, but I remember dying."
"I can't imagine…"
"No one should." She laughed at the futility of it. "I…" Nicola had never said the words out loud, not to Doctor Mackenzie or Doctor Fraiser, no one. "I came back different." Her voice had fallen to a whisper and she heard him softly step towards her again. "I can feel it deep down; I'm not right." She barely heard the final step he took or how he moved his arms, but the next thing she knew was as his arms wrapped around her, holding her tightly to him. Allowing her eyes to close, Nicola felt something she had not felt for months, something that no level of hiding, pretending or ignoring could allow. Relief flooded her mind and both her body and mind relaxed ever so slightly.