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Chapter 6

Being in a bad mood Richard was about to give a good tongue-lashing to, whoever had just walked into his office without knocking. However, when he turned around he stared wide eyed at seeing Violet standing before him.

"Your Ladyship," he greeted. "I thought you'd be on your way to London by now."

"We are leaving shortly, but I have an urgent matter that I must discuss with you."

Before Richard even had the chance to offer her a seat, she'd sat down. He blinked a little at first, but then offered a smile as he sat down behind his desk.

"And what is this urgent matter about then?" he asked smiling politely.

"It's a matter of the heart."

"I hope you're not feeling ill again, Your Ladyship?" he asked a little alarmed while leaning forward in his chair.

"Oh not at all, Dr. Clarkson. I assure you that I'm quite well."

"Well that's good to hear," he said smiling. "Is it someone else then?"

"I talked to Mrs. Crawley, and she sai…"

"She's not ill is she?" Richard asked cutting Violet off sounding much more alarmed than before, and staring a little wide eyed at her.

Violet blinked at not only being cut off, but also at the sheer look of panic in Richard's eyes.

"No, Dr. Clarkson," she replied calmly. "She's not ill."

"Oh thank heavens," he sighed in relief. Remembering who was sitting across from him, and that she was looking at him rather curiously, Richard quickly composed himself and smiled kindly. "That's very good to hear."

"Yes, it most certainly sounded like it," she said raising an eyebrow causing Richard to swallow hard, while forcing himself to keep smiling at her.

"So what was the problem with Mrs. Crawley then?" he asked a little more indifferent.

"She mentioned that when you fell off your bicycle earlier today, and she went to help you seemed rather abrupt with her. She also mentioned that when she later stopped by the hospital to ask, if she'd done something wrong, you mentioned that you were simply stressed out."

"Yes that is what happened. I never meant to cause Mrs. Crawley any pain, and she certainly hasn't caused me any." Not being comfortable with the penetrating look, he was receiving, he chuckled a little sheepishly. "And I suppose I was also mostly embarrassed having fallen off my bicycle for everyone to see." Still receiving the penetrating look, he smiled a little wider as he said, "That's all there is to it."

"Are you absolutely sure about that, Dr. Clarkson?" she asked with her eyebrow slightly more raised than before.

Knowing that he couldn't waver, he kept looking her straight in the eyes. "I assure you, Your Ladyship. But I certainly understand your concern for Mrs. Crawley. So if I've caused her any further grief, I hope that you'll pass on my sincerest apology."

"It isn't just Mrs. Crawley's heart that I'm concerned about."

He blinked a little in surprise. "No?"

"No, Dr. Clarkson. I'm concerned for your heart as well."

"My heart?" he asked utterly surprised with her nodding in response. "I assure you, Your Ladyship, that my heart is sound. I'm quite well."

"It wasn't your health that I was concerned about."

"Mrs. Crawley didn't offend me, if that's what you're referring to."

"It wasn't."

"Then I'm afraid, I don't understand what you're talking about."

"Oh for heaven's sake, Dr. Clarkson!" she exclaimed as he stared wide eyed at her outburst. "Must I spell it out for you?"

"I'm afraid that you must, as I honestly haven't got a clue as to what, you're talking about."

"Fine, I will!" she said and then leaned forward in her seat gripping her cane a little tighter and looking at him intensely. "When are you going to tell Mrs. Crawley that you love her?" she asked bluntly.

He looked at her slack jawed for several moments, before finally finding his voice.

"Lllo…lov…love Mrs. Crawley?" he stuttered.

"Yes," she answered firmly.

"I don't know what you mean, Your Ladyship," he said laughing a little nervously and avoided eye contact. "I'm not in love with Mrs. Crawley. She and I are good friends, but that's all. I certainly don't lo…"

"Enough!" The tone of her voice caused him to look at her again. "You're a terrible liar, Dr. Clarkson. And didn't you once tell me that you couldn't justify telling an outright lie?" she asked raising an eyebrow at him again.

"As far as I remember, I was able to do just that," he retorted. She blinked a little not being used to people besides the family talking back to her. Seeing this he immediately started to apologize. "Forgive me, Your Ladyship, I di…"

She held up a hand silencing him. "It's alright, and I know," she replied calmly and a bit quietly. "You told a lie so that two hearts could heal as one. But your heart won't heal, Dr. Clarkson, if you continue to lie to yourself."

"I'm not lying to myself," he replied more calmly.

"Then you admit it then that you love Mrs. Crawley?"

"I'm admitting to nothing, Your Ladyship, because there's nothing to admit," he said slightly exasperated. He took a calming breath and looked at her again speaking more calmly. "My personal life is my own business, and I would appreciate it greatly, if you would respect that."

"Well, I won't!" He rolled his eyes. "You have to tell her that you love her!"

"I will do no such thing!" he told her sharply.

"I must insist that you tell her!" she argued back just as strongly.

"With all due respect, Your Ladyship, you have no right to insist anything, when it comes to my personal life!" She gaped at him slightly at his angry tone. "Now if there was nothing more," he said a bit more calmly and standing up in the process, "I really need to get back to work."

"Well, there is more!"

"Your Ladyship," he groaned in frustration, "I already told you tha…"

"Lord Merton is going to propose to her in London!" His heart seemed to stop at her words, as he stared wide eyed and open mouthed at her. "Dr. Clarkson, did you hear what I said? I said that Lord Mert…"

"Yes, I heard you the first time," he cut across quietly. She took in his countenance. Never in her life had she seen a man more stricken, regarding a matter such as this. "He's really going to propose to her then?"

"He is," she answered. "And if she accepts, she's going to be leaving Downton to live at his home. That means that she'll only come back a few times a year for visits. She'll no longer be right here in the village. You would hardly ever get the chance to see her. That's why you have to tell her that you love her. You're the only one, who can make her stay."

He narrowed his eyes at her slightly. "Forgive me, Your Ladyship, if I'm being impertinent," he said with a slight edge to his tone. "But isn't it possible that you would miss her too much, if she no longer lived in Downton? Isn't it possible that you would lose your best friend, if she moved away? It seems to me that it's you, who have something to lose by Mrs. Crawley moving away."

"Yes," she replied truthfully and bluntly. "I'll admit to you that I would miss her terribly, if she moved away. And I would lose someone, whom I've come to think of as a dear, close friend despite our vast differences." He blinked at her honesty. "But tell me, Dr. Clarkson," she said eyes narrowing slightly. "What would you lose, if she married Lord Merton and moved away?"

"I already told you, Your Ladyship," he explained, "that I don't love Mrs. Crawley."

"Do not insult me by lying to my face! Do you take me for a fool?" she asked exasperated.

"No, of course not, Your Ladyship," he told her calmly.

"Then we'll try this again, since you've more or less just admitted as much, but I want to hear it properly. And I expect you to tell me the truth this time, and without delay as I haven't got the time. Do you love Mrs. Crawley?" He took a long moment to look at her, but then hung his head and sat back down defeated. "I'll take that as a yes," she said calmly.

He sighed deeply looking back up at her. "Yes, Your Ladyship. I'm in love with Mrs. Crawley," he finally admitted.

"Then you need to tell her," she told him gently. "You're the only one, who can make her stay. You're the only one, who can give her enough reason to stay. So you must tell her that you love her."

"I'm sorry," he said with a sigh, "but I won't be telling her. Nothing good would come of it."

"Nothing but good would come of it. You must tell her."

"No."

"But why?"

"I may love Mrs. Crawley, but she doesn't love me," he replied sadly.

"You don't know that," she told him.

"But I do know that, Your Ladyship."

"Has she ever told you that she doesn't love you? Has she ever given you any reason to think this?"

"More or less, yes."

"Which one is it?" she asked. "More or less?"

He sighed. "She made enough comments for me to know that she doesn't love me."

"I can't believe that. How long ago was this?"

"It was a while ago, but it still doesn't matter," he said with a deep sigh. "She won't change her mind, and I'd rather not have her pity. So for everyone's sake, it's best that I don't tell her anything."

"I don't believe that for a minute. You must tell her."

"But, Your Ladysh.."

"What if you say nothing, and she ends up marrying him? How will you feel then? Will you be happy to see her taking his arm?"

"No, bu…"

"Will it thrill you to see her smiling lovingly at him?"

"Your Ladyship, ple…"

"What if you see her kissing him?" She knew she was out of line, and could see how uncomfortable she was making him. But she had to get through to him. "Will you be happy about that?"

"Please, I don't want to hea…"

"And," she said poignantly though slightly uncomfortably, "how will you feel knowing that he gets to take her to bed?"

"STOP!" he roared voice cracking. "Please, just stop," he begged quietly, shutting his eyes tightly to prevent any tears from falling.

She gaped not having expected such a strong reaction from him. She allowed him a few moments to compose himself before speaking to him again.

"Dr. Clarkson," she said quietly. "Will you be happy, if Mrs. Crawley marries Lord Merton?"

He swallowed hard and took a couple of deep breaths before looking at her again. She gasped slightly at the devastated look on his face.

"No," he said just as quietly but with a voice full of emotion. "I will be heartbroken, if she marries him. It would be the worst thing imaginable." Taking a deep calming breath he went on. "But I won't stand in the way of her happiness. I have no right to do so."

"What about your own happiness? Does that not matter at all?"

"No, it doesn't. Nothing in the world matters more to me than her happiness, and I'd never wish to be the one to cause her any grief. That's why I'd rather keep quiet about my feelings for her and remain her friend, than tell her how I feel and lose her friendship."

"But you don't know that you'll lose her friendship, if you declare your feelings for her. I think it's quite the opposite." she told him. "You didn't hear how she spoke a short while ago. She seemed quite sad thinking that she'd upset you, and she didn't seem at all pleased talking about Lord Merton. So what does that tell you?"

"It tells me that she cares about the wellbeing of others. You know as well as I do the lengths she'll go to, to help her fellow man. And she won't rest until she knows that she's accomplished what she set out to do. So naturally she's going to be concerned, if she thinks that she hasn't succeeded. That's all it is, Your Ladyship."

She shook her head slightly. "No, Dr. Clarkson, I don't believe that's all it is."

"Well, I do," he said gently.

"You have often spent a lot of time with Mrs. Crawley, have you not?" she asked. "Going to Crawley House for dinner and such?"

"I have yes," he replied a little confused at the new line of questioning.

"So say she marries Lord Merton and moves away. Will you go and visit them, seeing as you're such good friends with her?"

He sighed. "No, I would not."

"But you'd still take the opportunity to meet with her, when she comes to visit Downton?" she asked. "Seeing as you're such good friends." She added with a raised eyebrow.

"No, I wouldn't do that either," he said having a feeling of where this was going.

"So you're just going to ignore her, when she's here? Even if she wants to see you?"

"She would probably not get the chance to see me."

"What do you mean?" she asked confusion showing on her face.

"You know now how I feel about her, and you know how I'd feel about seeing them together." She nodded in response waiting for him to continue. "If Mrs. Crawley does marry Lord Merton, I think I should think about retirement."

"Retirement?" she exclaimed. "Or surely you don't intend to take such drastic steps?"

"I do, Your Ladyship. Or if not retirement then I at least intend to leave Downton."

"Honestly, Dr. Clarkson, you're making no sense! First you say that you won't tell Mrs. Crawley how you feel, because you don't want to lose her friendship. And now you say that if she marries Lord Merton, you're going to move away?" He nodded. "Then the way I see it, you have nothing to lose by telling her how you feel."

"I have everything to lose. If we have to part, I'd rather we part as friends with her knowing nothing, than having any awkwardness between us because she knows the truth."

"That seems absolutely ridiculous to me!"

"Well, not to me it doesn't."

"So you really won't tell her how you feel?" she said more gently this time.

"No, I won't. She's been through enough as it is, so it's only right that she should be happy. And I won't be the one to stand in the way of her happiness."

"And there is nothing I can say that would change your mind? Nothing at all?"

"There is not, Your Ladyship."

"Well, I wish I could convince you," she said sighing and then caught the time on the clock behind him. "But I haven't got the time now. I should be off." She stood up and so did he.

"I trust that you won't tell Mrs. Crawley about this conversation?"

"Yes, of course," she said sighing- "If that is what you wish."

"It is, Your Ladyship."

"Very well then. Do you have a pen and paper?"

"Yes," he answered a little confused, but found what she asked for and gave it to her.

"Thank you." He watched her write something down, and then handed him the piece of paper, when she was done. "That's for you."

"What is it," he asked confusedly. "What are these numbers?"

"The first number is the telephone number for Lord and Lady Grantham's home in London. The second is the telephone number for my daughter's home," she explained. "It's so that you can get in touch with us, when you finally decide to come to your senses about Mrs. Crawley," she elaborated and then turned heading for the door.

"I won't be changing my mind, Your Ladyship."

She turned to face him. "Lord Merton will be proposing in two weeks. He intends to take her out for a walk first before luncheon at The Golden Duckling, which is where he will be proposing."

"But, Your Ladysh…"

"Two weeks, Dr. Clarkson. That's all you have. So I suggest you come to your senses quickly."

Without giving him a chance to say anything else, she opened the door and left quickly.

When he was alone in his office Richard sighed deeply closing his eyes for a moment, and then ran his free hand across his face. When he opened his eyes again, he stared down at the piece of paper in his hand. Sighing deeply once again he sat down keeping his eyes on the paper. But after another few moments of staring intently at it, he crumbled it and threw it in the trashcan.

TBC