This was a bad idea. A bad, bad idea. They needed space and they needed time. And yet here Quinn was, standing outside of the choir room not even a week after she and Rachel had decided to to take a break, about to encroach on both her space and time. She'd tried to back out of her agreement with Schuester but that incompetent asshole Spanish teacher had insisted, had gone into this spiel about how he thought she was better than backing out of her promises (really, had he met her?) and when that hadn't worked, he'd brought out the big guns, saying that he was sure that his kids would love it, Rachel especially. This was supposed to be a surprise for Rachel back when things weren't weird between them. If looks could kill and Quinn wouldn't get expelled for attacking a teacher…but she'd reluctantly agreed anyway. Which brought her here, outside the choir room and worrying a hole into lower lip. Finally, she let out a heavy sigh and walked in, in the middle of Schue's longwinded, very much unneeded spiel about how they'd be featured in her documentary for her college applications.
"I'll try to be unobtrusive as possible," Quinn said with a small shrug. Her eyes rested on Rachel briefly and her lips quirked up. They'd texted regularly, keeping it friendly, but she hadn't actually seen Rachel in person properly since that disastrous night. Her smile turned into a glower when she realized exactly who was sitting next to her gir - Rachel. Finn's beady little eyes stared back at her and Quinn suppressed a growl. She pointedly turned back to the rest of the Glee club with a forced smile. "Just pretend I'm not here. I'll schedule personal interviews with each of you later."
"Holy crap. Does that mean we have to be alone with her?" she heard Artie whispered and it brought a genuine smirk to her face which she hid as she rooted around in her messenger bag for her video camera. Quinn turned it on, found an initial place to film from and nodded at Schue to start this session.
Rachel's lips immediately pulled into a smile when a mess of pink strolled into the room as if this was some kind of catwalk or something. Rachel almost swooned, she really did. Except friends don't swoon over other friends, and friends had been working for them since that night, which was nice. She still wondered sometimes, when she couldn't sleep and when Quinn would stay up texting her, what would have happened if she ignored Mack. What if she didn't pressure Quinn into fucking her in the backseat of a car? What if they didn't try to create something intimate when they could barely look at each other, and what if they just talked instead?
She never stopped wondering, really, especially when she caught sight of Quinn with her friends occasionally. It was clear that Rachel no longer got the privilege of being called Quinn's girlfriend, and the even better privileges that went along with that privilege. She didn't get good morning kisses, and she didn't have anybody to fall asleep with. She missed holding hands the most, and Quinn holding her books when they walked to class, even though it was unnecessary. But she could deal with being friends, even if it gave her a tight feeling in her chest when she wondered how Quinn was spending her time as a free woman.
Rachel mouthed "Hi." to Quinn, who was perched behind her camera looking every bit the artist. The glee club's starlet missed being able to be proud of moments like this, where Quinn would look gorgeous and so within her element, and Rachel could think "That's my girlfriend." She really missed it.
As the session kicked into full swing, Rachel took to the center of the room with Finn following closely behind. They were getting ready for a friendly "Glee-off" with a nearby school, and that meant the captains of the group were taking center stage with a cheesy ballad all about love. Really, it was their standard move, but this time Rachel thought she had the whole thing down better than ever. The weird cavity in her chest that hadn't left since that horrible night kind of helped her performances, though the increased intensity had Finn convinced that she was in love with him again. Especially that one time she cried. But she almost always cried when she got to sing a solo, sometimes even a duet! And in group numbers… well, she could probably cry just because her talents were dimmed by other members. Not that she'd admit that, because they were her friends, really.
Only once during the song, Rachel's eyes found Quinn's. Just once. But other than that, they stayed firmly on Finn's, focused on their performance, focused on blowing away the audience entirely. If they weren't crying, she wasn't good enough.
Rachel was absolutely breathtaking. When Quinn was taking videos of something, her eyes were usually glued to the screen on her camera. Nothing short of physical intervention could get her out of zone. But with Rachel…Quinn actually had to look up to make sure her ears and her camera weren't playing tricks on her and once she did, she couldn't look away. She was absolutely mesmerized. Rachel had sung to her several times before, playfully, when she was driving or when they were in the kitchen and Quinn would always get this goofy smile on her face that she tried to hide when Rachel looked her way. But this was different from those times. This was an honest to goodness Rachel Berry performance.
Rachel looked her way during a particularly sweet line and Quinn bit her lip to fight a smile. But then Rachel turned back to the towering oaf that was her duet partner and she scowled fiercely. She turned back to the screen. She shouldn't be surprised, really. Rachel was a performer and she wouldn't let herself be distracted just because Quinn was in the room. She just wished Rachel wasn't so convincing with her looks of love towards Finn Hudson, who just looked like a constipated baby. It's not like she was jealous or anything. She had no right to be. This was just a performance and she and Rachel weren't technically together anymore. Yet. The hurt and the confusion she felt didn't go away just because she was jealous. Which she was not. Finn Hudson had absolutely nothing on her aside from his abnormal height.
She pointedly turned away from the couple - duet partners at the front of the room and towards the rest of the club to get some reaction shots in. Some of them seemed to be enjoying the performance while the rest just looked bored, which irrationally just ticked her off. Forget Finn, how could they be bored when Rachel was singing? Quinn gritted her teeth. She had a feeling that somehow, doing this stupid documentary would definitely not be a walk in the park. She wondered idly if Sylvester still had that reward for whoever could exchange Schuester's hair products for hair removal products. That would certainly make this more bearable.
Mercifully, after Rachel's outstanding performance and Finn riding on her vocal coattails, Schue decided to end the session early. Probably so he could go creep on Ms. Pillsbury, Quinn thought, rolling her eyes as she powered down her camera. She stayed behind, telling Artie as he rolled out that they could do their one on one tomorrow and relishing the terrified look on his face. She also made sure to bump into Finn, exchanging glares with the lanky boy.
Finally, once everyone had left, hazel eyes zeroed in on Rachel, who was busy organizing a bunch of sheet paper. "That was really good, Rach," Quinn said with a small but genuine smile. "You were…" she paused, trying to find the perfect word to describe that, describe Rachel. "Amazing." Friends could compliment friends like that, right?
Rachel didn't miss the way Quinn slugged her shoulder against Finn's as they passed, but she didn't question it. Honestly, she didn't think she'd ever be able to figure Quinn out completely, and so she thought maybe she could just accept her at face value. Quinn had a problem with Finn. Did Rachel really need to figure that out? No. She had applied this methodology to many things, including her anatomy. Quinn was just Quinn. Rachel liked her that way, just… just being exactly who she was. Her curiosity had got her in too much trouble already to let it run away again.
Even if it was too late now, Rachel was still trying to work through some of her downfalls, things that had contributed so thoroughly to the breakdown of the short relationship they shared.
But here and now, in glee, Quinn threw her right back to the night that started everything with just that simple word.
"I already know you think I'm amazing." she replied quietly, with a reserved smile. She was cautious, because they had new boundaries now. Could she remind them both of things like that? But she did already know it, because Quinn had told her so when they slept together for the first time, when Quinn breathed out the words as they got closer and closer to their climax. It was pretty deeply ingrained now, that word. The way Quinn made her feel like she really was amazing too, that wouldn't go. Not quickly, anyway.
"Likewise, by the way." A slight wince. She hated how painfully reminiscent the conversation was. So Rachel raced to elaborate, just to fill the empty space around them with pointless babbling that wouldn't make her think of a naked, sweaty Quinn with a goofy smile on her face, and their laced fingers as they shared lazy kisses. The Quinn she managed to fall for in one short night. She just knew, immediately. And she didn't know what she knew, but she knew something. And so she allowed herself to fall hard and fast.
"I mean, you were so in your element. You know how much I love it when your inner artist comes out to play. And you looked really into it, the… film stuff." she gestured vaguely to Quinn's bag with her splayed fingers and open palms, waving in that direction. Similar to soccer, Rachel didn't know much about anything. She was made for the front of the camera, Quinn was made to observe from behind. All she knew was that Quinn was wonderfully talented, and the film thing reminded her of Mark from RENT. And as they were now technically exes, that would make Rachel Maureen, or rather, Idina Menzel, and she was so completely okay with that. Just not the ex part of it. She missed being Quinn's girlfriend. She missed Quinn being her girlfriend. But the break up was fresh and the fallout was devastating. She couldn't expect to be fine with it yet, so she tried to convince herself that she'd be over it soon enough. Quinn seemed okay with it so far.
"Hey," she changed the direction of their conversation for a moment, even though she intended to hear more about Quinn's project later on. She liked hearing Quinn's impassioned rambles. "What are you doing now? We could go get something to eat, if you're not busy." as soon as the words were out, she worried that it sounded like a date or something, which wasn't what she was pushing for. She wanted Quinn back, but she respected the decision made. She deserved the break up, really. And so she couldn't complain, and she couldn't push Quinn into a romantic relationship again. "I just mean… I'm hungry, and- and I thought you might be too, so… it would just be food." So did that make it better or worse?
Quinn's eyes dropped down to the ground at Rachel's quiet words saying she knew. As soon as the words had left her mouth, she'd flashbacked to that night and how, despite it not being an ideal situation, it had been it's own special kind of perfect…the complete opposite of what had happened at that last party. Things would have probably become awkward right then but Rachel started rambling and Quinn couldn't help but laugh.
"Yes. Food's what you usually get when you're hungry, Berry," Quinn remarked teasingly. Without thinking, she reached for Rachel's things and took them in her own arms. Once she realized what she'd done, she froze. Shit, that wasn't something she was supposed to be doing anymore, was it? It was something she'd started doing because their idiot schoolmates acted as if they couldn't see Rachel, always bumping into her and knocking her things to the ground. They wouldn't dare bump into Quinn. The story she told Rachel was totally different though, something about her midget arms not being able to carry the weight. Carrying her things was just habit, enforced by bright smiles and sweet kisses. Quinn doubted she'd be getting those now though.
She recovered from her little mistake, acting as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened. "Food sounds good," Quinn agreed with a nod as they walked out of the choir room, in step with each other just like they had been before…before this. She wanted to say something about how Rachel already knew how hungry she got after the school day but that would be weird, wouldn't it? So Quinn kept quiet.
"The camera loves you," she said seemingly out of nowhere. And it kind of was out of nowhere. Quinn just didn't like the awkward silences between them. It was unnatural and awkward. "You're going to look great on the big screen in the future. The stage, too, I'm sure." She chanced a smile at Rachel and gave her a small shrug, as if the compliment wasn't a big deal. It wasn't. It was practically fact.
Quinn knew her comments might confuse Rachel and she didn't want to lead her on because she still did need that time. She needed them to slow down and keep it slow for now because her thoughts were a complete mess when it came to Rachel. How could Rachel know she was amazing and still be so insecure when it came to Mack?
Her heart skipped a beat. Damn it. It shouldn't, it wasn't allowed to do that! But Quinn just took her stuff, like it was two weeks ago and she could throw those teasing smiles around to hide the fact that she was doing something sweet. It was the old fashioned kind of romance that Rachel longed for since she was old enough to understand those old black and white movies. But Quinn wasn't supposed to take her stuff and Rachel wasn't supposed to swoon at the gesture.
Quinn brushed it off like nothing happened, and Rachel's mind seemed to vibrate in panic, unable to process the change, and the fact that nothing had actually changed, not really. She thought back to what Quinn had said when she put a stop to them. She still liked Rachel.
As Rachel's heart began to slump, cramping up all because of Quinn's kind gesture, the pink haired girl beside her started talking again. Her relief was short lived though, because every kind word uttered made things so much worse. It made her miss Quinn more. Realistically, she hadn't lost much. She had lost kisses, she had lost sex, she had lost hand holding. She hadn't lost Quinn, or the glances they shared, the smiles, the jokes, the caring. The caring was the worst, and the best. Quinn still cared, like Rachel still cared.
It was too much, too confusing. Rachel couldn't comprehend and process Quinn's behavior. She was supposed to be mad and distant and taking the time and space to calm down. But here she was, saying terrible words like "amazing".
"Thank you," she responded softly, wishing with every fiber of her being that Quinn would stop being so nice. She didn't want mixed signals or false hope. She wanted something solid, even if that meant Quinn hating her. Or forgiving her, preferably. "And thanks for carrying my things, you really didn't have to do that. My midget arms can cope. I work out, you know." at that, Rachel flexed her biceps for Quinn to see— no, admire! And okay, they were still pretty small. But she was surprisingly strong when she wanted to be. She didn't even attempt to hide her goofy smile as they made their way to Quinn's car.
The thing is, even though it hurt and they were both obviously confused, Rachel knew that wallowing would be counter productive. She knew, if she thought about things rationally, that Quinn had fallen for the Rachel who could laugh and could inspire nerdy giggle snorts from Quinn. So why not go back to being that girl? The one with all the chemistry with her happy, geeky Quinn who shuffled around her kitchen in socks with fluffy hair. She wanted them to go back to being that couple, even if they weren't a couple. They could just be a pair, and Rachel would be fine with that too.
As they approached Quinn's car, Rachel came to a stop, turning to Quinn. "I know a place." she started, with the corners of her full lips twitching into a smile. "They make really good facon. It tastes real, I swear." Rachel's smile grew from a small, shy one, to a broad grin. The way it was supposed to be around Quinn. "Tempted?" she asked hopefully.
"Wouldn't want to strain you more than usual," Quinn snorted with a roll of her eyes as Rachel flexed her arms. It was cute. Rachel was cute. And she'd missed this, missed the joking. It just wasn't the same through texting.
Quinn pulled a face at the mention of facon. As far as she was concerned, facon was sacrilege. Why make an artificial copy of something that was perfect? But if it meant spending more time with Rachel, something she had missed, she supposed could find some way to suffer through it. There was something bothering her though, as if she had forgotten something important. She pushed that feeling aside; she just wanted to spend some time with Rachel.
"Not really," she said when Rachel asked if she was tempted. What? Facon did not tempt her at all. Rachel did though. "But okay," she shrugged, tossing their things into the back and getting into the car, her mom's car since she'd sent her own to get detailed after that night. Quinn couldn't sit in it, couldn't look in the rearview mirror and see the backseat without feeling the need to punch something.
At the thought of her mom, Quinn remembered the something important she had forgotten. After seeing Quinn so happy the past couple of weeks, Judy had decided to shape up and kick the bottle. But she wanted Quinn at her first AA meeting, for support or to show her that she really was going to make the effort. She'd believe it when she sees it, Quinn thought bitterly. But she couldn't miss it because what if her mom really was trying? What if she actually decided to be a proper mother? She didn't want to hope but there was still a part of her that cynicism hadn't killed.
Quinn sighed and leaned her head against the steering wheel. "I can't," she told Rachel morosely. Did she tell Rachel about her mom? Except for that first night, Judy had never been home when Rachel was over so she didn't know about her mom's problems and Quinn didn't want to drag her into her family's problems. "I promised my friends I'd meet them for a movie," she lied, avoiding brown eyes. "I'll take you home, though."
Rachel stiffened at the mention of Quinn's friends. Mack. And a movie. And that sounded horribly like a date to Rachel, who immediate dropped her eyes away from Quinn.
"Oh." she said simply, and hoped the disappointment wasn't riddled too heavily in that word. When it echoed too loudly, sounded too much like jealousy, Rachel tried to adapt. Quinn was her friend. Rachel didn't get a claim on her this way, it wasn't her place to wear out Quinn's freedom. If she wanted to date other people then Rachel couldn't say anything to counter it, even if she wanted to say "No, wait, date me instead!"
She didn't get to do any of those things, and so she took a deep steadying breath and wore her well-practiced stage smile when she turned to look at the woman she once got to call her girlfriend. "That's okay. The facon will still be waiting for you after." she joked stiffly. Her fingers reached for the door, loosely curling around the handle there. "Don't worry, I can drive home, my car's still here." she told Quinn with a shrug of one shoulder. She was going to leave it there overnight and get one of her dads to take her to school tomorrow. It wasn't a big deal if it meant she could hang out with Quinn in person for the first time since they broke up.
But they couldn't do that anyway. Because Quinn had plans with "friends", and Rachel wasn't allowed to be jealous. The door clicked open, hinting to the hasty escape she so desperately wanted. She really couldn't be in there any longer, her lungs were constricting painfully, her heart cramping, her stomach twisting. She didn't even want to look at Quinn, but she pushed through that for the sake of her performance. It had to be convincing, and maybe Quinn didn't know her well enough to tell the difference between her acting and her real behavior.
"I'll see you…" tomorrow? Next week? "….around." she settled for in the end. And then she swung the door open and began her retreat back to her own car. At least she didn't have to sit in an enclosed space with Quinn all the way home, right?
"Rachel, wait," Quinn sighed as Rachel got out of the car, giving her a clumsy goodbye. Rachel seemed upset and it didn't take a genius to figure out why she was and Quinn had always been ahead of the curve. She thought she was going to a movie with Mack. "Rachel!" Quinn called out again but it fell on deaf ears.
Her hands gripped the steering wheel tightly and she cursed herself for her poor choice of lie. Couldn't she have come up with a better one? Like "sorry, I need to go do some errands for my mom"? Or "I'm horribly allergic to facon"? Any other lie would have been better. Even "Coach Sylvester needs me to do an exorcism." Literally anything would have been better if it meant that she hadn't potentially ruined things between her and Rachel just because she didn't want to expose her to her miserable home life. Stupid - she thumped her head against her steering wheel - stupid - another thump - Quinn.
She stopped the abuse for a moment to watch Rachel retreat to her car, not moving an inch until she was inside. At least that way she knew she was safe. Quinn waited until Rachel pulled out of the parking lot, watching the whole time, before putting her own car into gear and driving towards the Lima Community Center, her mood dark and morose. It would take nothing less than a miraculous turnaround by Judy to lift her spirits right now.