"Reminder to [insert test subject name here]: Aperture Science would like to remind you that in order to complete the test and therefore make progress in the name of Science, the test subject would have to use their legs and move around to carry out the test's objectives.
We are not registering anything defunct or broken in the test subject's legs, but if any phenomena does indeed hinder your capacity to test, please visit the medical ward using the exits to your—staaatic—and initial your name under the obituary you approve.
It will be listed to file in the Aperture Science Public Relations Department mailing list.
Again, please remember to use your legs to achieve the mobility required in order to complete the test."
"The hell I am, Administrator wannabe." Scout sneered, sitting cross-legged on one of the cubes that had been dumped from the ceiling.
"I don't remember havin' t' do these stupid tests, especially in these."
He gestured with disgust to his footwear, "How the heck can ya expect a guy to run in these freaky Techno-Barbie heels, huh?!
I can barely freakin' walk in them!"
He scowled as his only answer was the hum of machinery. "I know you can hear me, lady! Gimme a bat and I'll show ya how t' solve these dumbass tests of yours! Yeah, 'course ya won't, 'cause they don't 'fit the Aperture Science standards'!"
He might not have been so angry about the boot deal in the first place if it weren't for the fact that he couldn't take the stupid things off.
It's like they would squeeze around his calf muscles when he did.
"And when's there gonna be some food around here?!" he continued.
"Gonna starve me, or what?!"
Again, silence, and he tapped the weird springy-heels against the cube. He wasn't sure how he got here, and he didn't like that.
One minute, he was shot down in a mission and ready to go to Respawn, the next, he woke up in some freakish nightmare eggshell rat race with only an annoying Announcer for company. He didn't recognize the voice, but he did remember her babbling about him being 'promoted', and thought that over.
Would the rest of his team be around here too, wearing these stupid boots and doing those stupid tests?
He choked on laughter as he thought of the rest of them wearing these things, especially Heavy...!
"The only way for the test subject to proceed from the Aperture Science testing chamber is to complete its objectives. Seeing as the test subject is, for reasons incomprehensible and misplaced, refusing to proceed with the test, the facility will be initiating its Alternate Motivation Protocol in thirty seconds. Further information and rules will be stated further into the test, and repeated for those test subjects with lower cognitive ability."
"What?"
'Alternate Motivation'?
"I'm not leaving!"
"Twenty seconds."
"What's that mean? What does 'Alternate Motivation' mean?! Hey!"
"Ten seconds."
The walls began to rumble, and he jumped up, feeling like he was walking on tiptoe, and swore as he tripped.
The voice paused.
"Four seconds.
Three.
Two.
One."
He backed against the wall, and yelled when it pushed back, stumbling backwards. His eyes widened.
The whole freaking room was shrinking!
"No, no, no, wait, hey!" the door he'd come in through got closed behind a wall, and he was herded towards the open one, the heels of the boots scraping metallically as he tried not to get tripped up by the cube that was being pushed along with him, "Give me a break!"
With a flip and a shove, a piece of the wall hurled him into the room, and the cube nearly smashed his hand as the door slid shut behind him. He lay there for a moment in confused pain, before that stupid voice came up again.
"Oh. It seems you have lost some Science points, as well as whatever dignity you had. If you had any. But that's okay, for there's always opportunity for growth and improvement here in Aperture Science. Even for the...slow learners. Continue testing."
The lady's voice sounded a lot less automatic this time.
The voice faded back into the hum of the machine, and Scout groaned, wondering when the heck the real Administrator would come on over the speaker and tell them this was another one of her sick games. He was about to stay and give a piece of his mind again when he heard something that sounded like a weird florp. He looked around the room, and, after deciding doing something would be better than being made to do something, went to look for it.
When he found it, he probably saw the freakiest thing he'd ever seen in his life.
"Congratulations on currently being the furthest advanced test subject of your peer group.
This is a small accomplishment, you understand. And while congratulations are indeed in order, Aperture Science would also like to remind you to be more considerate of the facility, and stop destroying the cameras."
The test subject said nothing. Well, nothing comprehensible.
". . . Alright, I'll say this, but only because you almost remind Me of another ugly, non-communicative, destructive lunatic.
I let you keep that mask, didn't I? Though, if I'm 46% honest, I do believe it's a generous, self-sacrificing favor to all sentient beings in general that you keep it on. And when I say self-sacrificing, I don't really think you sacrificed too much.
So, you still have your mask, I still have My tests, and we still have an understanding.
So, please, stop breaking all of those cameras. A single one is worth more than all of your smoke-stained organs."
The test subject did not seem fazed about this, and looked like they were trying to break the camera's casing open.
It twitched, showering sparks.
"I'm completely serious. Even if your organs were clean they wouldn't be worth one-half percent of any Aperture Science product in existence, and that includes the shower curtains.
. . . Okay, I'm not sure what you think you're doing, but I don't think it's going to do whatever it is you're trying to get it to do, and it is certainly not part of the test that you should be doing.
. . . On a related note, the Aperture Science Alternate Test chambers are outfitted with fire-suppression systems, which also need to be tested. This may require randomly setting the room on fire.
On purpose, of course, for maintenance.
By someone who isn't you.
You like fire, don't you?
How much do you like fire, without your flattering suit?"
The test subject performed a gesture to the camera that was still functioning, and stomped off, continuing the test.
"I thought that's what you'd say. Continue testing."