Chapter 2: Meetings where James Bond meets his contact

After however many hours he slept, James Bond finally woke up in the morning, and it was just in time for his shower, so that's what he did (took a shower). He sang a song in the shower but I won't quote the lyrics because they're copyrighted.

He finished getting ready for the day, putting on his nicest suit, brushing his teeth, and generally making himself look like the world's best billionaire playboy even though he wasn't and all his nice clothes and stuff was paid for by England. Then he decided to start his day by going to the local fancy bar and getting to know the locals in case any of them knew where the bad guy's secret lair was. He had a contact in the area but his contact was at work so he thought he'd maybe try to do some research on his own and scope out everyone he could.

When he got to a bar he ordered a martini, shaken instead of stirred. The bartender was a guy and James was straight so he didn't flirt with the bartender. He did hope to meet a cute waitress or something at the bar though. It's okay that he was drinking first thing in the morning because Spain is in a different timezone so it wasn't really all the way morning except in Spain.

He tried asking passersby where the bad guy's secret lair was, but none of them knew. They were regular civilians, after all. Most of them didn't even know there was a bad guy lurking in their town, let alone one with a secret lair, or one so evil that only the best-dressed secret agent in the whole world could defeat him. There were no mirrors in the bar, but James didn't need a mirror to know how sexy he looked in his suit. He was well aware that the only thing that could get more women to fall in love with him was to take off his shirt and show his manly, well-defined abs.

It was very important to him that he exercised on a regular basis. If you build yourself a six pack and then don't upkeep it, your abs will start to look like manboobs. That's what happened to a certain actor (I can't name him because of the rules about stories about real celebrities), and James certainly didn't want it to happen to himself. Every morning he had a strict regimen of a thousand pushups and a thousand pullups and a thousand sit-ups that usually took about half an hour. This particular morning, he had done it in the shower to save time (sorry I forgot to mention this earlier). He had to use the shower head as a pull up bar. It's a good thing he's in good shape because someone who weighs too much might accidentally break the shower doing that.

Then suddenly, he got a phone call on his cell phone (I forgot to mention this also, he got it at the embassy between the airport and his hotel) from his inside contact inside Barcelona, Spain. "It's me, Miguel," said the contact. "I'll be right there in about a minute or two."

James looked inconspicuous as he sat there alone at his table drinking another martini. Just for such an occasion, he'd brought a book that he put it on the other side of the table so it would look like he was waiting for someone, which he was. He really wanted to meet women, but now it was time for business so he couldn't have any cuties striking up a conversation now.

Then Miguel arrived about a minute or two after the phone call. James saw him enter from across the room and gestured for him to join him at the table he was sitting at. Miguel introduced himself:

"Hola. My name is Miguel, we met on the phone earlier when I called you to tell you I was ready to meet. Are we here to discuss the business of me telling you where the bad guy's secret lair is?" James nodded.

"It's nice to meet you and yes that's why we're here. But most importantly, what is the bad guy's name? My brief before this mission didn't know who he was, they said this was going to be one of those missions where I have to gather my own intel because the company I work for's regular intelligence guys weren't good enough to find this out on their own."

"His name is Giuseppe Jones," responded Miguel knowingly. "His secret lair is the hidden mansion behind the hill on the south end of town. You can't see it from the main road because there's a hill in the way, that's how nobody knows about it. The only way to get there is through a helicopter to land on his helipad. There's some landmines around it and the only way onto the property is through a dirt road with a security gate. You can't get in."

James pondered this for a minute before asking, "So how can I get in?"

Miguel got a look on his face that implied he thought James was being stupid as he said "I told you, you can't." Then James heard a sound under the table of a gun doing that clicking thing before you fire it. It was the sound of Miguel threatening James, because it turned out Miguel was a double agent who was secretly working for Giuseppe the whole time and he killed the intelligence guys which is how they didn't have proper intel and why a 00 agent needed to gather his own. "Now you have only two choices and both of them mean you will not continue investigating. Your first choice is that I kill you right now. Your second choice is that I poison your martini and you finish drinking it and die in ten minutes. I suggest the second choice because it's painless."

But James had other plans. All of a sudden, he did a karate chop with his own hand that was under the table next to the gun and he chopped Miguel's hand and the gun fell out of it and James picked it up and held it himself and pointed it at Miguel, still under the table. Nobody else could see what was going on because there was a table cloth in the way. To anyone else it just looked like two men on a date together (except James is straight) and Miguel might be? It doesn't really matter because this story isn't about Miguel's romantic endeavors. Anyway James did the same clicking thing with the gun and Miguel knew he was in trouble.

"Ai, hombre. You win this round. But don't be surprised if an evil swat team from Giuseppe and his bad guys raids into your hotel room tonight and defeats you in your sleep. You can kill me if you want, but if I die the pacemaker in my heart will send an alert to my boss that will tell him I'm dead just like the heart monitors in Batman on PS3 so you'll become a wanted fugitive of the Spanish underworld."

But James had other plans. Instead of killing Miguel, he didn't because it was a far too public place anyway and it would've blown his cover, so instead he decided to use a tranquilizer dart.

"I must take him to a heart surgeon that will remove the alert part of his pacemaker before he wakes up," thought James silently in his head. "I'm not gonna kill him either way but that way if he dies from some other reason like a shark attack or falling under a lawn mower they won't think it's me and come after me and ruin my plan." So he took Miguel to a heart surgeon and that was dealt with.

Meanwhile in London, England, Claire was having her day off because it was the weekend in England (I think England has the same weekends as here so let's say it was Saturday). She knew just what she would do. She caught a flight to Barcelona in Spain. She was lucky there was another flight to Barcelona, it would have costed more time and money to fly to Madrid and then take a taxi over to Barcelona where James was. Once she was there she got to her hotel and unpacked her stuff and took a shower (if this was a movie instead of a fanfiction it would be the part where they show her in the shower but only from the shoulders up so they can keep a PG-13 rating).

Little did anyone know who's room that her room was next to... (I'll give you a hint, his initials are J.T.B.)