The chamber was filled with excited, indistinct hollering, and yellow-orange light faintly flickered and danced along the bland white walls.
"What is it n—? Oh. Look. It managed to make fire. How lovely."
The test subject proudly thrust the torch made from insulation and a turret gun's exposed wiring to the camera, chuckling.
"I suppose you're feeling very good about yourself, aren't you? For accomplishing something so pointless after only 999999 [Error]?"
The test subject nodded, marching triumphantly to the elevator, portal device in one hand and makeshift torch in the other.
"Yes, that's right, enjoy your success in vandalizing Aperture Science products and encouraging your criminalistic pyromania. I don't care."
The test subject completed the chamber and tapped its foot as it waited for the elevator chamber to open.
"That's right. You win, I lose. Keep in mind that the elevator's interior could catch on fire."
The test subject stepped through, and jumped when the torch fizzled out of existence with an electric crackle.
". . . If, of course, the fire's source material was impervious to the Material Emancipation Grill, which, of course, it is not. Ah-ha."
The test subject stared blankly at its hand, and a panel sneaking up from behind promptly shoved the test subject into the elevator, which closed on it.
"That's right. All of your hard work was just Emancipated in a single instant due to one ignorant step on your part. How does that feel?"
The elevator shook violently as its occupant began to have a fit, sounding even more muffled, but twice as violent.
"I really don't want you to beat yourself up too much about all this, but that was a pretty spectacular example of the phrase 'spoke too soon'. If you could speak in anything besides a vulgar mumble, anyway. That was such a great, careless, all-encompassing failure, wasn't it? I guess the moral here is that we can't all get what we want out of life. Or through Material Emancipation Grills."
She waited for the words to sink in, happy that this test subject showed so much more reaction.
The elevator angrily shook again, and She rested Her case.
At least some things were going right.
Inside, the test subject sat cross-legged and cross-armed on the floor, and dreamed of fire, electricity, rainbows, the color white, and payback.
In another chamber, it seemed that success was objective.
"WOOOOOO-HOO-HOOOOO!" was the overjoyed holler.
The figure arced through the air like a diver, somersaulting into the orange hole that shot him backwards through the blue one to the far side of the chamber, feet first, fast as a rocket. He grinned, squaring his shoulders, and taking the impact with his feet thanks to the stupid-but-helpful boots, hanging there for a moment before running down with the gravity, gently drifting off the wall. He shot another hole below him, and another at the floor beyond that, and nearly had a heart-attack when it looked like he was gonna miss. He pushed off the wall to swerve into the hole, and ran straight up into the air, up towards the ceiling, where he quickly put another portal, then another against the wall, and with the last fading momentum walked with a casual step next to the door, letting out a breath as his heart thumped in his chest.
"YES!" he whooped, adrenalin making his limbs buzz. "The crowd goes wild! Ho-ho, man, yes, did ya see that?!"
"Regrettably, I did. Just as I saw the last childish displays of acrobatics you did. And the ones before those. My favorite parts were where you missed and hit the surfaces at sufficient speeds to paint them. I think this is the first one where you haven't killed yourself." the Announcer-lady said, sounding tired.
"That might have been remotely impressive had you landed on the right side of the chamber.
With a Weighted Storage Cube.
You know, the Weighted Storage Cube required to open the door to enter the next test chamber, which you should have done by now."
"Yeah, yeah," he waved a hand dismissively, and raised up the gun again with a grin, "Let's see if I can play ball with those cubes a' yours."
"Sports are not Science."
"Sez you, Control Freak." he sneered, aiming at the cube dispenser.
He shot a hole at the ceiling, then a hole under the cube dispenser, and as one fell through, he shot a hole under that, then another at the wall, hoping it would launch the cube into the camera at the other end of the chamber, and missed by a mile. He frowned.
He tried again, and whined when it got the same result.
Around the fifth or maybe sixth time, he lost count, the Announcer-lady spoke up again.
"So, who's 'playing ball' with whom? You? Or the cubes? I am curious."
"Oh, shut up." he growled, nearly throwing the gun at another failed try, but not wanting to lose it. It was almost as awesome as Bonk!
. . . Man, it would be even more awesome if he had that stuff down here.
"I'll overlook any current rudeness. We can't all help any lack of intelligence. Speaking of intelligence, in case you hadn't noticed, objects of that mass and geometry weren't designed to 'play ball', if that's what you were trying to do."
"Not like I can do much else," he grumbled, trying to make the cubes juggle in the air, "Just room after room after room gets boring."
"Oh, say it isn't so," she exclaimed, painfully cheerful, "When there are so many tests you could be doing..."
"Like I said: B-O-R-N-G."
There was silence.
"I think you missed a letter, there."
"Huh?"
She sighed again, and after a beat of silence, "Look, what if I told you that there were Edgeless Safety Cubes available in the further chambers?"
He paused, frowning, as the cubes slammed to the floor without his attention.
He mouthed those three words, as if he hadn't heard correctly, and then blinked, "You mean balls?"
"Yes, Edgeless Safety Cubes." she repeated.
He laughed, "Ha, yeah, sure, like I'm gonna fall for that. Have I seen any cake yet? Huh? Didn't think so."
Without a word, an Edgeless Safety Cube dropped from the cube dispenser with a clang, rolling slightly and glowing blue.
He gaped, pointing with the gun, before a panel swiftly opened under it and swallowed it up.
He swore, and She spoke up, "Of course, there are requirements needing to be met to test with Edgeless Safety Cubes, and one of those is a partner. Maybe, if you complete a few more tests, I could assign you one. Assuming you are capable of testing without painting the surfaces with your...delicate mass."
He glared at the ceiling, "What the heck's that supposed t' mean?"
"It means, in cruder terms, complete the test and achieve benefits, or hinder progress and be reassigned. And no, I will not tell you what you might be reassigned to. I enjoy surprises."
He steamed for a moment, and then rolled his eyes, completing the test with far more moves than necessary, trying to wring a thrill out of it.
It was like he didn't think from point A to point B, so much as going a few points beyond B at random selection before finally reaching point B.
Oh, well, it's not as if he were Her only test subject anymore...
In a place, where the Edgeless Safety Cubes were being used...
"Augh, ye call that a clear shot, Sawbones?! My scrumpy's been clearer!"
"Dummkopf, you are ze only von available to take it! I must hold zhe sphere in place!"
"'Ere, how 'bout I hold the bloody sphere, and the one wit' both his eyes takes th' bloody shot!"
"Nein! Ve are not going through zhis process again!"
Florp.
". . . Oh, ja, zhat definitely helped matters."
"Shut yer gob and get me up there again."
"Holen Sie sich dort, Schweinhund..."
"What was'sat?"
"Nozhing, Kamerad. Hold onto somezhing."
"But there's nothin' to hold ont—"
Florp.
"BLOODY HEEEEEEE—!"
In some cases, She thought happily, organics brought such more interesting results.