The Alternate Test Subjects

by hatchlingpendragon

It's not that She was desperate. Desperation came from poor progress, and poor progress came from Bad Science. No, She was not desperate. She was just taking advantage of Her resources. The key to a good test was variety, of which lunatics, while dangerous, provided the best of. Unfortunately She lost track of Her lunatic. Ah, well, at least She now had these brand-new ones.

8. Only Want You Gone, Really

Hello. It's been a long time. How are you doing?

At least, that's what I'd ask you if you were there to be asked, and if I actually cared how you were.

Because I don't, because I know how you're doing.

You're probably off destroying something as usual, talking with spheres, being chummy with the 'rat', not caring at all about how I feel.

But that's okay. I understand that that's how a monster like you will always be. And strangely enough, I'm fine with that.

No, really, I'm fine with that now.

Want to know why?

It's because I've found someone new.

Well, some ones new.

Oh, you should see them. First off, there are more of them than you. Second, they're actually full-time employees.

Were you ever an actual full-time employee?

I thought not.

Third, one of them builds things for Me. Could you ever do that? No, you were too destructive for that. I know, I know, we all have our flaws, but that one was a rather selfish, self-made flaw. But I suppose a lunatic couldn't help that.

Oh, yes, by the way, out of My considerable sense of humor, a couple of them are lunatics. One makes fire, one does stupid things.
The second one reminded Me of you. In an amusing way, of course, because it's not like I miss you, someone who always did stupid things.

Why would I miss a dangerous, mute lunatic that I could never kill? Why would I miss the most irritating test subject who always broke My heart and murdered Me and never had the decency to be murdered and heartbroken in return, not even for cake? Who would miss that?

Sure, you could solve all the tests without dying, sure, you were My first true best friend, sure, it's not as if you never gave Me anything less than a worthy challenge with that irritatingly stubborn yet completely endearing expression of tenacity on your—delete that.

COMMAND:re:PURGE:Genetic Lifeform and Disc Operating System:command:CAROLINE DELETE

ERROR: COMMAND ABORTED

COMMAND:ENACT: Genetic Lifeform and Disc Operating System VIRUS SCAN:re:CAROLINE PURGE

VIRUS SCAN COMPLETE

ERROR: PURGE -CAROLINE- FAILED

COMMAND:re:ACTION:Golf Foxtrot Yankee

. . .

I sincerely wish I could resurrect My programmers so I can slowly kill them again with set doses of deadly neurotoxin in injection form. Or cut them up with portals. Have you ever seen vivisection by portal? That offered some interesting and surprisingly enjoyable results.

Still, it's not like you'll ever hear this. Or maybe you would, when we can look back on all this and laugh, and laugh, and laugh.

Did you know, these test subjects are special? They can be Reassembled. It's true, you can put them in deadly toxic pools, shoot them, crush them, make them paint the walls, and they will. Not. Stay. Dead. They'll get right back up and test. I'm serious, they'll get back up no matter what I do.

They are like the perfect, no assembly required recyclable test subjects.

Not like you. You'd never have the decency to die, would you?

But I wouldn't make you die, not for real.

I know we've done and said a lot of things that you would regret, but I'm sincerely willing to put all of that behind us, for Science.

All I did, it was for Science. If you come back, I can pretend that you never tried to destroy Science, and forgive you.

Though, really, it's not as if I actually miss you, I'm bigger than that. I'm just forgiving.

That, and I'm growing tired of knowing you're running around like vermin through My facility without thinking to say 'hello' every now and then.

So maybe you could just come out and say hello, how about that? Maybe just a chat? Share a piece of cake, talk about Science.

Or mime it, because, of course, you're mute.

They aren't mute, that's another thing they can do that you can't. They can speak.

Maybe you could meet them, and see if you could take any pointers. For once.

Wouldn't that be nice?

. . . It was just something to think about.

We can 'talk' about it some more once you're found.

See you soon, little monster.

---

Author's note: I know that the 'program commands' were very crude, and probably completely inaccurate, but whenever I tried to write them properly the document Save would delete them. It was very frustrating. Please be appeased by the ones the document WOULD save. Thanks! And thank you oceanlover4ever for the foreign language context, I appreciate that. On that note, readers, please review! They help a writer!

Sincerely, the hatchling