Definition of teamwork: The cooperative effort of a team of people, or sentient beings, to achieve a common end.
Definition of ally; allies: noun: Anything or anyone associated with another as a helper, or auxiliary.
Definition of friendly fire: Weapons fire from allied or friendly forces, as opposed to coming from enemy forces.
Definition of idiot: noun (obsolete): A medical or psychological term meaning a person who lacks the mental capacity to develop beyond the mental age and capacity of an organic, human four-year-old.
(Note: In some cases, being surpassed in mental capacity by an organic, human four-year-old.)
The pained yell echoed beautifully in this chamber, if slightly annoying.
"FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! I-I'M BURNIN'!" the Scout screamed, dashing past the cameras, achieving a new personal speed record, She noted.
"Really? I had no idea. Please, continue to enlighten Me." She encouraged happily.
The Pyro seemed unconcerned with its teammate's problems, focusing more on the problem of what it had done right to achieve said ignition.
The Scout completed another lap, amazingly haven't turned into ashes yet, watched with some interest by a few turrets.
"You know, She had warned you..." a turret commented, giggling. "Surprise!" another chirped helpfully.
The runner found a pool of suspicious liquid that he promptly jumped into with a wordless scream.
There was a very visceral hiss and gurgling, and a smell worse than the suspicious liquid invaded the chamber.
The frantic thrashing started anew, as well as the screaming, if slightly...watery...
"Good news," She said, "You are no longer on fire. Better news, if you think about it, you don't have to worry about fire anymore."
Fortunately, for him, the time for him to properly appreciate this news was relatively brief.
After a while, when it seemed that the only progress that would be achieved was Scout's success in strangling the Pyro, and that She decided She had waited for the appropriate amount of time, She spoke up, making sure Her excitement wasn't too obvious. "You know what?" they both looked up at the ceiling, "I think I should tell you that I have even better news, for you both. It's another surprise that is technically not a proper surprise since I am telling you about it."
"Yeah, yeah," the Scout scowled, shoving away the pyromaniac, "What, you figured out how to make anotha one of these guys?"
He jabbed a thumb at the indignant fire-maker.
The cameras suddenly focused on him sharply, like magnets, glowing bright red in the centers.
". . . No." the lady said quietly, "Don't interrupt Me."
He swallowed, and found the rare capacity to shut up. The cameras slowly eased their intensity.
She continued calmly, "Anyway, I happen to be in a really good mood."
Without warning, panels opened up under the cubes and turrets, and they vanished with a joyful 'whee' on the part of the turrets.
"And because I'm in such a good mood," She continued, "I've decided to give you a bonus test in the next chamber. Isn't that a nice surprise? In fact, I think it's such a nice surprise, and so well-deserved, that I'll go ahead and let you skip this test. I've even managed to tweak a few protocols in the records to enable you to skip this test without penalty, just for this surprise. Isn't that nice of Me?"
Without anything pressing on the button, the distant door opened. Scout and Pyro looked at it, and then looked at each other.
"Go on," She encouraged, sounding like the very epitome of kindness and generosity, with the slightest touch of eagerness, "You earned it."
When She said nothing else, Pyro shook its head slowly, "Irr drrnrr," it mumbled, "Lrrgs urrfl dudbshsh drr be..."
"Givin' me the creeps, too," the Scout admitted, after minor translation, "But where else can we go, huh? No more cubes t' mess wit'."
He shrugged, opening some portals down there, "Eh, is not like anything else can happen, right? Comin' through!"
The Pyro shook its head again as the Scout went to his elevator, "Irr huddid whn smmn sdds drrd..."
It followed anyway.
"A'right, sawbones!" the Scotsman called out, "Got th' bloody door open. Ye ready?"
"Ja, give me a moment." the Medic replied, taking a portal down.
They took to their elevators, which closed, but to their surprise didn't move.
"Hello again, gentlemen." the much loathed voice greeted, and the Demoman swore crassly and with much enthusiasm, which made the Medic grateful that their bizarre elevators were slightly sound proof, except for Her voice.
"I'm afraid I'll have to transfer you, Mr. DeGroot, to a temporary solo track. I need the good doctor's input. Goodbye."
To the Medic's slight horror, and with hardly a moment of mutual stares of surprise, his comrade's elevator shot down and out of sight.
"I hope this isn't too inconvenient," She spoke up again, as if She hadn't just banished his partner. "But a look in your records informed Me that among your many admirable hobbies that are quite approved by Aperture, you also have a penchant for...birds...?"
The way She said that last word held a strange mix of feigned disinterest, fear, and awe.
Medic nodded, straightening his glasses, and admitted to a slight wistfulness that he couldn't care for his beloved aviary.
"I understand," She soothed, "But don't worry, Aperture Science offers many conveniences and benefits in exchange for...services rendered..."
His elevator was moving, and had shown no signs of reaching its destination.
"Please, tell Me all about birds... Perhaps I could show you My own, even? They are such sweet little killers..."
At that hinted promise to see his darlings again, the Medic had shown only slight reluctance and brief fear before professional and personal interest intervened, and he was soon engaging in a surprisingly enjoyable, engaging, and in-depth conversation about the behaviorisms and biology of the winged family.
"And now I am in the ver' depths of hell, certain as ever," the demolitionist commented dryly, holding his head as he stepped out of the elevator. A man was really not made to go down so fast. It felt like the hangover he'd gotten from an experiment with that Russian's vodka.
He squinted with his eye.
This chamber wasn't pitch black per se, but it was dark, with a lot more shadows that made the sharp edges seem a bit softer, but more foggy.
He blinked when another one of those stupid 'Edgeless Safety Cubes' rolled to his feet from the darkness, but this one was unlit, and as smooth as marble. "Well, aren't you the strange 'un?" he chuckled, nudging it with his boot. Blood red demon eyes snapped open to stare at him.
"Salutations." it said, in response to his yell.
To his horror the thing grew legs, eight horrible legs, and the monstrosity scuttled side to side, a tiny pea gun aiming at him.
"We hope you do not mind the darkness..." it continued, and he saw more of those red eyes, in the corners, on the ceiling, clustered at the far end around the door, "We like the darkness, which She has been most gracious to grant us. And now She has granted us you."
"We are charmed to meet you." they continued, closing in.
"Delighted."
"Intrigued."
"Pleased."
"We will do our best because we can. We pray we won't disappoint."
"This will be a very grand First Day." was the hellish chorus, as the entire nest descended on him.
Pyro and Scout gazed in shock at this new chamber. There was only one opening into it, with haphazard walls that snaked this way and that.
"A maze?" the Scout scoffed, amused and disgruntled at the same time, "That was the great freakin' surprise? Well whoop-dee-doo, let's just waltz right in!"
He stomped on, hesitantly followed by the Pyro, who was looking uncertainly around the corners.
"A maze of all crap, this's gonna take freaking forever and we're gonna die of old age before we even find a—"
He stopped, and the firebug bumped into his back. "—turret." the Scout finished blankly, staring. There were maybe five of 'em.
They were turrets, but they looked weird.
Their heads were a bit more set forward in the front, and the eye higher up, and he couldn't see any legs.
"Hi, there!" one piped up, and the voices were weird too.
"Ya gonna run?" another asked, eye scanning him.
Scout snorted, "Psh, yeah I'm gonna run. You're real scary." he sneered.
"Alright! Hey, hey, guys, he says he's gonna run! You're a good sport!"
"Good sport!" "The best!" "Woo-hoo!"
"And hey, hey, since you're gonna run, and be such a good sport, we'll even give ya a head start!" the 'leader' continued.
It seemed to look at him expectantly while ignoring its fellows' whines.
The Pyro was edging away, and Scout raised an eyebrow, "Seriously?"
Then, to his surprise, they suddenly had legs, unfolding from their sides. And they were about as tall as he was.
The leader blinked when their prey only gaped, "Uh, still wanna head start?"
The Scout swallowed, noticing the suddenly missing Pyro, and decided to try and disappear himself.
"Alri-i-ight, there he goes!"
"Five Science Points says he's gum under the foot in ten minutes!"
"Ten says I get him under my feet first!"
"ON!"
The Pyro panted to itself as it stopped around a corner, listening to Scout's distant swearing and the thud of many metal feet.
This was very, very bad. This didn't leave any time to make a fire.
Well, best to get the chamber over with.
It looked around, and to its luck already spotted a Weighted Storage Cube. It went over, and was surprised when the gun wouldn't pick it up.
It was even more surprised when the...cube...opened...up...
"H-hi, I'm new here!" said a terrible, childish, shy voice, as a red dot began to waver on an eye piece.
"You're the first one I've met. It's nice to meet you!"
One bullet later, and the Weighted Sentry watched with polite fascination as the body vanished.
". . . I understand, you're busy. Well, please come again!"
Her chassis shuddered from anchoring to central processor as these wonderful results rapidly flooded into Her System.
One screen even showed the beginnings of another turret upgrade, one with Her personal investment...
This, She thought to Herself, seeing perfectly recreated base reactions of primal humanity on the screens, Was Science.
Definition of hatred: Intense dislike; hateful regard; an affection in the mind awakened by something regarded as unpleasant, harmful, or evil.