Chapter 7

Lucy clutched folds of the blue silk between her fingers. The material was soft and smooth, and it caressed her hands as she stroked it. Such a dress should have inspired some excitement in her; despite having never enjoyed spending hours at the dressmakers', Lucy had fallen in love with this piece. She'd never felt more excited about a dress before. Now it all seemed so foolish.

"Don't clutch your gown like that, Lucy," Louisa muttered to her. They were standing near the entrance, smiling and greeting the guests who arrived at the ball. A number of officers had arrived, and Louisa had spent almost twenty minutes commenting about how the younger Bennet sisters had no shame; flirting openly with them and behaving like fools. Lucy watched them, wondering if she had ever felt as cheerful in her life as they looked. Probably not, she decided.

"May I sit down for a while, Louisa?" Lucy begged. "My legs do ache and I feel very tired."

"But all the guests haven't arrived yet," Louisa replied. "I know you, Lucy. Once I let you go you shall hide in a corner and never come out again. None of us shall be able to find you until the ball is over. But I suppose you shall go whether or not I let you."

Lucy made a pleading face. "Oh Louisa, I shan't disappear. Just for a few moments. I feel terribly tired."

Louisa was forced to accept and Lucy quickly pushed through the crowd and walked out to the front of the house. She could see Felton, Thomas and a few other servants standing near the pathway. They were helping guests out of their carriages and directing the carriage drivers to park their vehicles. Not wanting to run into them, she turned around and instead left from the back; leading out to the garden and the stables.

The night air was cool and it bit into Lucy's cheeks. She sat in the garden for some time, determined not to go back indoors and face all those people in the ballroom. Surely Caroline and Louisa would not be too angry. There were few people in that room who were truly worth interacting with, in their opinion. And Charles and Mr. Darcy would be far too busy with the Bennet family; that is all that any of them seemed to speak about. Lucy felt distaste for this family that took up so much of her siblings' time and attention.

Nearing the stables, Lucy decided to go inside. It had been so long since she had seen Duchess; she had been afraid of crossing paths with Felton. But now, surely, all the grooms were near the front of the house? Fairly confident that the stables were empty, Lucy carefully lifted her skirts and went in search of Duchess.

The horse neighed as soon as she saw her and Lucy abandoned her attempts to preserve her dress from the dirt. Tears sprang into her eyes and she put her arms around the beautiful horse, stroking her face and murmuring softly to her. She was in perfect condition; she looked as healthy as ever and her coat has been brushed and cleaned. Lucy moved closer to Duchess' warmth and mentally cursed Felton for being the reason she could not see her beloved horse. She had just removed her arms from around the horse's neck when she heard footsteps.

"Miss Lucy?" the voice called and Lucy stiffened. Suddenly feeling self-conscious, she straightened up and stepped away from the horse. She smoothed her dress down just as Felton entered the stables, approaching her slowly. He paused for a moment. "I see you came to see Duchess. She has missed you."

Lucy nodded. She hoped that he could not see her discomfort and tears in the dim light. "I have missed her as well," she replied, trying to sound calm.

"I hope… I hope you have not let what happened between us affect your coming down to the stables to see Duchess," he said softly. "If you wish, I can make myself scarce whenever you wish to see her. You need only inform Thomas."

Lucy did not know how to respond. She stared at him silently for a few moments and then managed to open her mouth. "That is kind, Felton, but unnecessary. Now if you'll excuse me, I should be returning to the ball. My sister will be looking for me and I must-"

He moved in front of the doorway before she could exit the stables. Lucy stared up at him, surprised that he was blocking her path. His brown eyes were watching her, torn. "Lucy, please. Please don't…"

"Leave?" Lucy asked sharply. "That's odd, the last time that we were alone, you could not wait to push me out of the door. Has something changed or are you merely incapable of making up your mind? Tell me why I should stay here and listen to you."

Felton looked down at her, pain evident in his face. "I only wanted to say that you look beautiful," he replied softly. "I saw you enter the stables and I had to follow you. When Emma told me that you had fallen ill, I was so worried. I could not see your face, I could not sleep without worrying about-"

"Stop," Lucy cut in. Tears had started to form in her eyes and she felt angry. "Do not say anything more. You have no right to do this. You sent me away, Felton. Now if you think that you can stop me and tell me I look beautiful and that you've been worried… It is unfair. You have broken my heart already; must you pierce me with every shattered piece?"

"I never wished to cause you pain," he whispered.

"You have. You have caused me more pain that I can bear," Lucy replied. "And what is worse is that you still believe you are relieving me of it."

He looked at her for a long moment, their eyes meeting. Felton raised a hand to her face and gently brushed her cheek with his thumb, catching a tear. Lucy closed her eyes to feel the warmth of his fingers on her skin but before she could feel it, he had jerked his hand away. "I apologize," he murmured, moving aside so the doorway was open. "I will not keep you."

He waited for her to leave, but Lucy refused to move. She stood still and stared at him, bewildered. "Why do you do this?" she demanded.

"I do not understand."

"Why do you struggle so much to push me away when you do not wish to? Why cannot you accept these feelings as I have done?" Lucy asked him. Feeling suddenly emboldened, she reached for his hand and placed it on her cheek, covering it with her own hand. "Why must you treat this as though it is something to be ashamed of?"

Felton looked at her, surprised. His fingers moved so they could cup her cheek and he lifted his other hand to her face as well. "I am not ashamed of my love for you," he whispered. "Only of myself. I have been selfish. I wanted you to love me, even though we could not be. I should have told you the entire truth that night in my cottage."

"What truth?" Lucy asked, worried.

"The truth that the man you think you love does not exist," Felton whispered. "You do not know all of me, Lucy. My past is a large part of who I am. I hid it from you because I knew that if I told you, you would not love me. I was selfish and I am sorry."

Lucy felt his rough fingers under hers and closed her eyes. "There is nothing wrong in wanting the person you love to love you in return."

"But this love must not be based on a lie."

"Then tell me the truth now so I can base my love on it and you may stop feeling ashamed."

They sat down, on a pair of wooden crates inside the stables. Felton kept his hand intertwined with hers, the rough pads on his fingers stroking her soft skin. Lucy gripping his hand tightly, afraid of letting him go. Now she would find out the truth that she had been longing to know.

"My father," Felton began slowly, "was a very rich man. He was not of a high social status but he had invested in trade in India when he was young, and he made a fortune. My mother was high-born. Her family did not approve of their marriage; my father had no name in society, so my mother eloped with him.

"I was their only son. My mother faced some complications after I was born and was told that she could never have any more children; so my parents loved and pampered me as much as they could their only son. My mother died when I was young and my father raised me alone. I grew up in a very sheltered manner; I knew little of the outside world. When I finally was sent to college, I… I was foolish. I involved myself with the wrong people. They would invite us to their rooms in the early hours of the morning and we would gamble and drink until we were barely conscious. We sinned in every possible manner."

Felton paused for a moment, looking down at Lucy to judge her reaction. She could feel her head spinning. Already, half of the rumors she had heard about Felton had proved to be true. She could not imagine it; the righteous, honorable Felton doing the things he spoke of. Chills went down her spine but she nodded for him to continue.

"One night, a friend of mine, he… he brought women to the party. I cannot honestly say that I remember what happened, I was far too drunk," Felton whispered. "But a few months later, a young woman came to the college and claimed to be carrying my child."

Lucy felt nauseous. No. This cannot be true. She yanked her fingers out of his grasp and covered her mouth. Part of her felt disgusted at the thought. How could someone be so foolish? She had always considered men who did the sort of things Felton did to be evil. Yet, looking into his eyes, she could see the ocean of pain, regret and shame in them. Taking a deep breath, she carefully returned her hand to his and pressed it. "Continue," she whispered.

Felton stared at her for a long moment. "I was terrified. My father had just been diagnosed with some tropical illness; it had been dormant since his time in India but he was in his final stage. I felt so ashamed that I could not tell him what I had done. I went to my uncle. He had always been kind to me, although he had not been as fortunate in his finances as my father. He promised to keep my secret and told me that I needed to take responsibility for the child.

"But he did not keep his promise. In due time, I found out that the child was not mine. A little girl was born almost a month earlier than she should have been and I knew then that the woman had lied. She cried and told me that the baby's father had been my friend. She came to me as she knew I had the relative financial stability to look after it. I made arrangements so the friend would take responsibility for the child. I lent them money and I returned home to find my father on his death bed. He refused to see me. My uncle had told him everything about the child and my actions at college. I do not know exactly what he said; but my father died a few days later and I found that he had left the entire estate and fortune to my uncle. I was penniless."

"I'm so sorry," Lucy whispered. "Your uncle, he didn't…"

"He offered me a place to stay with him," Felton admitted. "But by then I was in too much grief and shock to accept. My father had been ashamed of me when he died and I could not stay in that house without feeling disgusted with myself. So I decided that I needed to earn on my own. I left college; there was no money to pay for it in either case, and I took a job here based on a recommendation by one of my father's servants."

Lucy pressed his hand gently. "As a groom?"

"I didn't see why not. The only person I ever wanted to make proud was my father. And he had died after hearing about the most shameful thing I had ever done in my life," Felton replied. "I had no reputation to uphold, nobody else left in my life. What did social status matter when there were none there to see it? I felt that I would be happy with the horses."

There was a long silence. Felton waited to see what she would say. Lucy's head was spinning with the story he had just told her, and she could not make sense of it all. Part of her felt disgusted at how Felton had once been. But looking at him now, she knew that this was not the same man who had made those mistakes. He had changed now, and she knew that she should not judge him for his past. "You are a good man, Felton," she whispered. "Perhaps you have made mistakes and you were not as honorable once as you are now, but that does not change how I feel towards you."

"My past does not disgust you? It would disturb any woman of moral character, I cannot believe that you can look past it so simply," Felton replied. He slowly withdrew his hand from hers. "Now, we must leave. I only wished to tell you this in the hope that it may lessen your pain. You shall have easy success in finding a man more virtuous than I."

"I shall never find such a man," Lucy replied heatedly. "Virtuous he may be, but he shall never be you. Perhaps I am shocked at hearing of your past; but it is nothing that I will not overcome in time. This is no reason for us to remain separate as we have done."

Felton shook his head sadly. "There is all the reason. Do you think I have not lain awake night after night wondering if there was a way we could love each other freely? There is none, Lucy. I am beneath you; in birth, in riches and in character. Your family would never consent."

"They needn't know," Lucy insisted. "We could meet in the stables at night, could we not? I see no reason why any of my siblings would find out if we-"

"You speak of an affair."

Lucy paused. "You make it sound so immoral."

"That is because it is." Felton's tone was sharp. "Lucy, I will not have you speaking of an affair. My love for you is the purest emotion I have ever felt. I will not cheapen or taint something so precious. It will only lead to pain. Perhaps we may meet for a few nights in the stables, but what shall happen when your siblings wish for you to be married?"

"They will never allow me to marry you," she whispered.

"I am aware. Lucy, I will not allow us to make the separation even more difficult when the time comes for you to marry another. We must make it now, when the pain is the least it can possibly be."

Tears stung Lucy's eyes. "Perhaps it is the least it can be; yet it is still unbearable."

Felton leaned forward and placed his hands on Lucy's cheeks before pressing a soft kiss on her forehead. She closed her eyes as she felt his warm lips linger on her skin. She shifted closer to him, pressing her face into his neck as he held her in his arms. After a long moment, Lucy stepped back and looked up at him, her eyes glistening with tears.

"If I cannot be here with you, then I do not wish to be here at all," she whispered, before leaving the stables. The cold night air outside stung her skin and she turned back to see if Felton had followed her. He had not.

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A/N – So… yeah. Hit me with your thoughts. I think there'll only be like, 3 or 4 chapters more.