Chapter 5: Edward's POV
I fell back in the chair as Bella rested in the hospital bed. Carlisle and I worked furiously on her as we tried to keep her in this world. We finally got her stabilized and now she was sleeping in the bed, hopefully dreaming safe and happy dreams.
I still couldn't understand why she tried to kill herself. The whole reason we came back when we did was to stop her from trying this. I threw my head back. Why was I always failing her?
But she promised. She promised not to do anything reckless or stupid. I was abruptly furious. She hurt herself; she tried to kill the only thing I ever loved. When did my beloved start to act so childish? I squeezed my eyes shut as I knew it was because of me. I drove her to do this.
Bella started to stir about four hours later. She rolled her shoulders, a low moan escaping her lips. I was leaning over her in a flash.
"Bella?" I whispered. How much pain was she in? "Bella?" I said louder, needing a response from her.
Her eyelids squeezed tightly together. It was times like these that I wish I could hear her thoughts, at least one of them anyway. She sighed softly and gently moved her hand towards my face. I caught her hand before it could touch my cheek and brought it to my lips to kiss her hand softly. Her eyes snapped open to meet mine.
"Edward?" she whispered hoarsely, her voice still raw from almost dying. "Are you…. Is that really you?"
"Yes," I said just as softly. She flinched as I spoke. I knew I should be angry with her, but I could never be angry with her. All I could think about what that she was really here, here and alive with me. "I'm here, Bella. What do you remember?"
"Everything. I remember you. I remember every touch, every kiss… every goodbye." Her voice was getting lower as she spoke, but it broke on the last part. I looked at her face and my heart broke. Her eyes held such agony that one would think she was being tortured.
You caused it, I thought. You put her through all this misery.
"Bella," I began, but she started crying. "Bella! Please, listen. I love you. I lied to you before. I love you! I'm so sorry I told you otherwise. I wanted you safe, protected. But I failed you, Bella. I am so sorry." I lost it: I started to cry.
I felt miserable, broken. I hurt the most precious girl in the world and myself at the same time because of my stupidity. I knew what I was doing, I knew what the consequences were, but I did it anyway.
She gazed at me in shock. I have only cried in front of her once before: when I thought I was too late to save her from James. All I could do was cry. The meaning of my existence was in agony because of me; she tried to kill herself because of me. I broke everything I touched. I hurt her more ways than anyone has ever done. How could I deal with that? I couldn't. I would spend the rest of my miserable existence trying to be the right person for her even if it would be the reason for my destruction.
"Edward?" I heard her call softly. I didn't look up. "Edward, please, don't cry."
Don't cry? I slowly lifted my head so my eyes could meet her brown orbs. "How can I not?" I asked miserably. "The person I care for, more than my own life, is hurt and almost died today because of me. Everything I am hurts you. How can I not cry?"
"Edward!" Bella exclaimed. "If you don't want to hurt me then please stop crying. It's killing me to know that you are crying because of me."
I took a deep breath. I stared at her for a long moment. Her eyes were filled with pain and sorrow. She was in agony because I was crying. I took another deep breath and smiled at her. "Sorry, love."
She used her free hand to cup my cheek and brought my face to hers to gently kiss me. She pulled away to look at me with curious eyes. "Where's Charlie? Is he okay?"
I could feel my features hardening into an angry mask. "He's in shock," I told her, trying to calm myself down, but unable to do so. "Alice is with him now. He'll be fine after the shock wears off and knows that you're fine."
She nodded, agony filling her eyes. "Bella?" I asked, concerned, "are you in pain?"
She glared at me slightly. "I'm such an idiot!" she exclaimed suddenly. "I can't believe I did that." She shook her head slightly.
"I can't believe you did that either," I muttered to quiet for her to hear.
She looked at the ceiling, biting her bottom lip the way she always did as she decided if she wanted to say some. "Edward…" she said as she continued to stare at the ceiling. She rushed to get the rest of her words out in fear that I would interrupt her. "I love you. I have always loved you, and I will always love you. I don't care that you left me; it doesn't change the fact that I will always love you. I will spend the rest of my miserable life, no matter how short, trying to be good enough for you."
She didn't think she was good enough for me. I shook my head. Absurd. She was everything I wanted, everything I needed. I wasn't good enough for her. I was basking in the fact that she still loved me. I gently put my hands on her face and pulled hers hard enough to make her look at me. "Bella…" I trailed off, at a loss for word. I decided to have my actions speak for me instead.
I kissed her with more passion than I ever allowed myself to show. I needed her to know how much I loved her, how much I wanted her. The heart monitor when wild as I continued to kiss her. After a few more seconds of kissing her, I heard someone clear their throats. I reluctantly pulled us apart.
Carlisle was standing in the doorway trying hard not to laugh. Next to him stood a mortified nurse who was looking everywhere but at us. Bella flushed a bright red as she realized they were there as we kissed.
"We heard your heart monitor jump as we were walking down here and thought something was wrong," Carlisle told Bella gently.
The nurse's thoughts were flustered. He is cute… she's such a lucky girl, but I can't believe they were going that far in the hospital… oh God, I hope this doesn't happen here often. I need to ask Dr. Cullen about it, but isn't that his boy?
I smiled cheekily back at Carlisle. "Nope; nothing's wrong."
The nurse muttered something about checking up on another patient as she rushed out of the room.
Carlisle laughed gently. "It's her first day here," he explained. "She's going to have some interesting stories to tell her family."
I laughed as Bella blushed a deeper red. I leaned forward and kissed her cheek carefully before lying down beside her on the bed. Carlisle excused himself after he warned me to be careful and not jolt the bed.
Son, try to restrain yourself until Bella is released. We don't need to traumatize the new nurse into leaving, Carlisle thought. I quietly laughed in reply.
I grabbed Bella's hand as she put it on my chest. "I love you," she whispered.
"As I love you. Get some rest, love. You'll be out of here before you know it."
She nodded softly and snuggled closer to me. I put my arms around her to secure her in place as I hummed her lullaby softly. I felt her smile as she succumbed to sleep.