Author's Note: Okay – I'm going to save all spoilers/rants for season 4 for my notes at the end of each chapter, and I'll leave some blank space so no one sees them if they don't want to – but if you have been watching the new episodes, feel free to tell me what you think in the reviews! I kind of like my new Friday night posting schedule because it seems like we all may need a little fluff after watching each new episode for awhile – but I am still so glad that the show's back!
Nathan/Audrey song of the day – "It's Not My Time" by 3 Doors Down.
Looking back at the beginning of this
And how life was
Just you and me and love and all of our friends
Living life like an ocean
But now the current's only pulling me down
It's getting harder to breathe
It won't be too long and I'll be going under
Can you save me from this?
Julia Carr hadn't shown her face in Haven for nearly three years, and her family home sat abandoned ever since at the end of Wisteria Lane. Nathan spent nearly five minutes explaining the proper channels they should take to get access, but Audrey'd never been very patient and he'd never been very good at saying no to her, so it really shouldn't have been very surprising when they found themselves standing on the front porch dressed all in black under the full moon.
"Just like old times," Audrey teased, somewhat delighted by the recent turn of events. This had all of the thrill and none of the danger of a real case, and Nathan was looking pretty fine in a black sweater that was just a bit tighter than anything he typically wore.
"Can you hurry up? And be quiet. There are neighbors." They'd parked the Bronco down the block and walked the rest of the way to avoid detection.
"You're no fun, partner."
"Seeing as your partner is the Chief of Police, I really don't want to get arrested for breaking and entering."
"So now the rules are important, Mister The-Guard-Runs-Amok-And-I-Can't-Do-Anything-About- It?" She flashed him a grin to make sure he knew she was ribbing him. "Besides, that wouldn't be nearly as awkward as when Laverne caught us making out in the supply closet."
"Somehow I'd like to come out of this relationship with some credibility."
"It's not looking promising." He wasn't really all that annoyed, she knew. He'd always enjoyed riling her up, and she was just returning the favor. "Least there won't be creepy merkids on the other side of this door."
"I dunno, Parker. I think all that swimming off was just a decoy so we wouldn't guess that the Glendowers have all been hiding in Eleanor's bathtubs."
"We'll get 'em to help us search then. Hold the flashlight."
She handed her light to Nathan so she could pick the lock. It released with a satisfying click and she pushed the door open. "You first," she said, giving him a nudge. "So you can protect me from the monsters."
He grunted at her glibness but stepped inside. She followed, reaching for the light switch as soon as she closed the door behind her.
Nothing happened. "Power's shut off," he told her, handing her back one of the flashlights. "We couldn't use the lights even if they'd work. The neighbors would notice."
"We live in a town that gets hits by meteor showers, where buildings sometimes crumble because of a puzzle. You think anyone would be disturbed by a light or two in an abandoned house?"
"Our luck? Shirley Brown's a light sleeper and a busybody. She's more likely to come down here to scold the local hoodlums herself than call the police."
"I really want that to happen now. Can we wake her up, please?"
"Remember how you convinced me this was a good idea because we were going to find information on your past?"
"Right. Focusing. You get me all distracted, Wuornos." Just to prove her point, she pounced on him and pressed a kiss to the side of his mouth.
His eyes were bright in the darkness as he blinked once and then let out a shaky breath. "I'm sorry," he whispered huskily.
"No you're not," she whispered back, shifting enough to kiss him properly before sinking back on her heels and stepping away.
"This place is filthy," she declared as they moved from the entryway to the living room. Even in the dim light she could tell every surface was covered in dust, and there were cobwebs spanning every corner.
It took him a few moments to recover and respond. "What did you expect? No one's been in here for years."
"Outside looks all right."
"Dwight has someone trim the grass every month. Those sketches are in here someplace. Who knows what else Eleanor's stashed away. Didn't want kids to get any ideas about looking around in here."
She couldn't help but chuckle at the irony of that. "Should have invested in a better lock, then."
"Apparently," he said dryly.
"So, the notes. I know I saw a bookshelf upstairs when we were here before."
"Lead the way."
They found the bookshelf easy enough, and as she'd expected each volume was filled with notes in Eleanor's neat, thin script. But the first four Nathan and Audrey paged through appeared to be filled entirely with medical jargon.
"There may be something helpful in here if we find the years the Troubles were in Haven," Nathan concluded. "But I doubt we'll get through all these by daybreak."
"You're right. We need reinforcements. Should have thought of that before," she said as she fished her phone out of her pocket.
"That better not be Stan."
She stuck her tongue out at him. "James is always looking for ways to help. And you know Duke's always up for some petty crime."
"Or some not so petty," Nathan shot back. But there was no vehemence in it. Lately Nathan barely put in the effort of ragging on Duke.
"You two need to hug that out or something."
She felt a little bad about waking them, but she did enjoy their confusion at her insistence that they wear black, come together and park down the street. And bring flashlights. By the time they arrived half an hour later Audrey and Nathan were nearly certain they wouldn't find what they needed on this bookshelf and were ready to launch a more full scale investigation.
"Why Agent Officer Parker and Chief Wuornos, my two favorite officers of the law. Did you break in?" Duke crowed. Behind him, James eyed the jimmied lock dubiously.
"Shut up and get off the porch," Nathan growled.
"Gonna arrest me for trespassing?"
"Boys," Audrey scolded. "For the record, I broke in. Nathan lectured me on protocol and then looked the other way as I picked the lock. If you'd like to make a civilian arrest I'm willing to let you try."
She almost thought Duke was going to take the bait, but he stepped inside with a laugh. "One of your former selves was a bad girl, 'eh?"
"Oh no, that was all Audrey Parker. Useful skill for a foster kid. Made me pretty popular in college too."
Nathan's eyes widened, and Audrey resolved to tell him a few stories from Audrey's wild years.
"Not that I don't find your methods absolutely delightful, but if you'd come to me first and not as a last resort I could have told you that there's a spare key under that particularly hideous gnome."
"How do you know that?" Audrey asked.
Duke shrugged as a slightly lecherous grin stole across his face. "Julia may have told me once."
Nathan frowned. "Everyone seemed to notice the way she followed you around back in high school, except you."
"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan. Of course I noticed. I wasn't you."
"So you had a secret fling? Here?" Audrey supposed it made sense, from what she knew of Duke's teenage years and the way Julia used to look at him. Still, her and Julia had gotten drunk a few times and talked about men, and the brunette had never mentioned actually hooking up with Duke.
"Thrill of the chase, darlin'. Her mother was kind of terrifying."
"She also might have known something that could keep Audrey here," Nathan interrupted, firm and disapproving.
"Eleanor was friends with Lucy," Audrey clarified. "And according to Vince, she could see a person's worst memory. So who knows what secrets she may have learned."
"She kept journals – lots of them," Nathan said. "We're looking for those she wrote while the Troubles were here."
"Do you remember her?" Audrey asked James softly. Just like his father he didn't like to be pressed about the gaps in his memory; he'd been here for over a month before she'd even realized anything was missing.
James nodded slowly. "She worked at the hospital. Never seemed very friendly. But Lucy would go off with her sometimes when she said she needed girl time."
"So the three of you didn't do any investigating together?"
"I don't think so," he said tentatively.
"We'll figure this out," Nathan said, resting a hand on James shoulder. A significant look passed between them, and Audrey's heart swelled a little. Her boys.
"Come on. There's a bookshelf upstairs, but I don't think it has what we need. We may have to dig deeper."
"Always do," Duke said as they all followed Nathan up the steps.
James volunteered to keep combing the medical notes in case they got more interesting or something out of place was hidden there. After a warning not to touch any drawings of the town or anyone he might know, Nathan, Duke and Audrey began to search the rest of the house.
There were books in drawers, books on tables, books on shelves between knickknacks so obscured by grime they were barely recognizable. Most entries were carefully dated, but there were some that appeared to be filled with random observations that seemed to span decades. But there was no mention of Lucy or Audrey, and nothing from those eventful years in the 80's.
"She didn't want just anyone to come across them," Audrey deduced after a few hours of fruitless searching. All the squinting at handwriting in the dim light was giving her a massive headache. "We know she kept secrets here – like those drawings. Where would they be safe?"
"We haven't tried the attic yet," Nathan suggested.
Audrey was about to follow him there when Duke stopped her with a hand on her arm. He put a finger to his lips and tilted his head toward Nathan. Once the other man was out of view he dropped his hand.
"What is it?" she asked. He'd been in a good mood when he arrived, but he'd grown increasingly serious as the night wore on. She'd thought maybe he was just tired, but this seemed to be something different.
"Do you think Julia had her mother's Trouble?"
"Probably. That's usually how it works – unless her father had a stronger one. But I don't know if anything triggered it this time around. She never mentioned anything."
"To me either. But people aren't exactly forthcoming about their problems."
"Would make my job a hell of a lot easier if they were."
"Yeah." Duke rubbed at the back of his neck. She wasn't used to seeing him so discomforted.
"What's this about?"
"Nothing. Just curious." He huffed a breath out his nose. "Africa seems a hell of a place to go with a Trouble like that."
She shuddered. "Hadn't thought of that." She brushed some dust off her sweater. "She ever contact you after she left?"
"Nah," he answered a little too quickly. "Granted no one could, these last two years. But before then – nothing."
"Everything was so chaotic when she left – with the Chief dead and the other Audrey showing up. I never got to say goodbye. It wasn't until weeks after she was gone that I started to wonder if something happened." She narrowed her eyes. "Did something happen?"
"No! Well … maybe. But nothing – like that."
"Nothing like high school?" she asked, her voice heavy with implication.
"No. But I think she was pretty shook up about what happened on my boat with those poker guys. Then I kept pressing her about the Guard and she showed me the symbol all over this old graveyard – and then she skipped town the next day."
"You think she saw something?"
"Maybe. But I guess it doesn't matter now, unless she decides to come back. We don't have time to scour Africa. It's going to be hard enough making sense of this place."
"You guys coming?" Nathan called from somewhere above.
"Yeah," Audrey called back.
"We'll figure it out," she said as she walked past, trailing a hand briefly across his shoulder. "Maybe she will come back. That seems to happen a lot around here."
"Yeah," Duke said almost wistfully. "There's just something about this place."
The attic was a mess, but more like a dumping ground for discarded family junk than a storehouse for priceless and dangerous artifacts and information. Most of the boxes contained clothing or toys. Shelves were covered in ancient appliances and there was an old couch and a few massive television sets.
"We're going to have to come back here," Nathan said. "It'll be light soon, and we can't be here when the neighbors start waking up."
"It's here somewhere, I know it!" Audrey stood up and spun around the cluttered room. "The years we need are deliberately missing, and we haven't found anything related to the Troubles, and Eleanor implied that she had more than just those paintings."
"Maybe she didn't keep them here," Nathan suggested.
"Maybe Julia took them with her," Duke offered.
"No. They're here," she insisted.
"You know, when I have something valuable or dangerous, I don't just leave it with the rest of my junk where anyone could happen upon it," Duke supplied. "Especially in a town like Haven, where there's a high likelihood of croaking at any minute."
"Not that anyone cleans houses out around here," she said under her breath, shooting a glance at Nathan.
"We're busy," he defended.
But Duke's words were slowly sinking in. "Of course! What kind of cop am I? I blame the dust and the dark and exhaustion. It's so obvious."
"Not following," Nathan said.
"We're tackling this like we're looking for her car keys. Everyone in Haven guards their secrets. She's not going to box them up with stuff from the life she can talk about – and she's not just going to shove them in a drawer either. She's going to hide them. And if she had years worth of stuff to hide, she'd sure as hell develop a good hiding place."
"Now we're talking!" Duke said. "I happen to be pretty good at discovering secret hiding places."
"We still may need to come back."
"Ah, ah, ah. Let me work."
But while Duke grabbed James and took to canvassing the house for potential hidden rooms or closets or crawlspaces, it was Nathan who noticed that the dust was slightly less thick in one corner of the attic, and the boxes there were particularly light.
"Parker," he called after he slid them aside. "These boards aren't nailed down."
They'd already come across a toolbox. There was just enough space at the edge of the board to slide a crowbar, and with a little leverage the board lifted easily, along with three others.
Underneath the floorboards was a plastic bin filled with books.
"I love you," she told him, kissing him thoroughly before reaching for the first volume.
The first entry was dated February 2, 1983, and her whole body tingled with excitement.
"I'll go get Duke and James. We'll pull up the bin so we can take it with us – and we'll check if there are anymore."
He was letting her be the one to read these first, she knew. Her past, her discovery. She loved him all the more for his understanding. "Thank you."
He clasped her hand briefly with a slow smile and then left to find the others.
She scanned a few entries about odd happenings in town with explanations Eleanor didn't buy. In March her husband had a fatal heart attack – and as he faded she saw his younger self watch his father die the exact same way. She wrote of both her husband's death and the triggering of her Trouble with a matter-of-fact detachment Audrey found off-putting but completely in character with what she remembered of the ME. Heart disease ran in his family, and a proclivity to see people's worst moments ran in hers. Her parents had been honest with her about that when she was a child, and although she'd had nearly three decades to pretend to forget, she wasn't about to be fooled when the Troubles came back.
She chronicled each memory she saw, some more horrific than others – but in a town like Haven the capacity for horrific was stretched beyond the norm. Audrey knew she'd have to study each one in greater detail and ask Nathan to make sense of the names and the families so she would know who was still alive and still dangerous. But tonight all she wanted to do was discover what happened when Eleanor met Lucy.
She found that entry near the back of the first journal she picked up. The name "Lucy Ripley" leapt from the page, and Audrey forced herself to find the start of the entry and read from the beginning.
There is someone new in town. Not a summer person – it isn't yet the season for that, and she hasn't been anywhere near the tourist haunts. The Teagues say her name is Lucy Ripley, that she's a photographer and she means to stay. Those from Haven always come back eventually, the summer folk return year after year long as the weather's good and the Troubles are quiet, but no one else comes to stay. There are no other Ripley's here.
It's been all anyone can talk about for three days. No one seems concerned, merely curious. But I feel that something is shifting. Someone needs to get to the bottom of this. And if no one else is volunteering, than perhaps it must be me.
The next entry was dated the following day, and Audrey tore through it eagerly.
When I was eight years old I brushed against a woman in the market, and the memory I saw was so strange I couldn't make sense of it. Always before and since I could recognize the person whose memory I saw – often they were younger, but they were still themselves. This woman had stylish red hair but the vision I saw was of a blond woman of nearly the same age who was wearing the strangest clothes I'd ever seen. She'd been arguing with a man almost hysterically, and I was left with a sense of clawing desperation even after the woman apologized and disappeared down another aisle. I couldn't understand how a woman with a smile that bright could have ever been so sad, so I tried to forget, and as the years passed I saw many stranger things that pushed the incident from my mind.
Today I met Lucy Ripley. Though I cannot explain it, her worst memory matches exactly that of the woman from the marketplace.
Lucy Ripley is one of those modern women, with long brown hair and airs to prove herself in a man's world. But when I touched her hand I saw a blond woman in what I now realize was Puritan garb. She arrived at some sort of workshop lit by candlelight and was met by a dark-haired man who was tall, handsome, and distressed. He did not wish to open the door for her, but she persisted. Ignoring his warnings that "they" would look for her there, she claimed that this was all a terrible misunderstanding, that she had done nothing wrong and she was not the cause of the town's distress. The man was not swayed, but she persisted, asking what cause she would have for such actions. He suggested jealousy, but she pulled a chain from under her dress and clutched a strange circular pendant. "I had no need for jealousy," she whispered. "Only patience. I would have withstood the waiting." The man seemed to reconsider, but when the woman reached out to grasp his arm he pulled away from her like her touch burned. "You are the devil's child," he spat. "I can abide no more of your treachery. Be gone! If you wish to live you should flee this place, because they will burn you if they catch you." "I do not," she whispered, but his face did not soften at her despair, and she collapsed upon his doorstep as the vision faded.
I do not understand how two women can hold a memory from another's life; perhaps the sorrow is so deep it transcends generations, though neither woman seemed particularly sorrowful. Though few details were given about the actual cause of the quarrel, it is impossible not to assume that the town's distress then had something to do with its current problems, as much as many would try to hide them. Despite all that I have seen, witchcraft is a difficult explanation to swallow.
But there is something I am certain of. Whoever the woman was, whatever crime she was accused of, it was a false accusation. Her distress was far too acute to be fabricated, and even now, hours after our meeting, her agony lingers with me, as if warning me to leave it alone. I already fear that I shall not listen. The pull of truth to be uncovered is too strong. Though this woman may not have received justice in her lifetime, perhaps it is not too late for her descendant to be absolved. I must learn more about this Lucy Ripley.
Eleanor's words hit her with the force of a speeding car, and at first she could not tear her eyes away as they spun through her head, stealing her breath and her sense. When she finally glanced up it was to find Nathan staring, his face alight with concern. "Audrey?"
"It wasn't my fault," she revealed, and by saying it aloud the full force of that overwhelmed her anew. Absolution indeed. Within seconds he was by her side, his arms comforting bands across her waist and her shoulder, and she buried her face in his chest and held on tight, his heartbeat pounding under her ear and the smell of him steadying her. Eleanor's story surely alluded to terrible things – misery and heartbreak and betrayal and lies – but she was not its cause and in that moment that was all that mattered. She had not damned Nathan and Duke and the entire town; there was not some great depravity inside her that could arise again with the proper provocation. She'd been framed.
He tilted his head to rest it against hers. "Told you," he whispered in her ear, and his certainty and warm breath made her shiver. There was nothing condescending in his tone. It was a declaration that he had never doubted her, even when she had doubted herself, and she was extraordinarily grateful for that.
Duke, however, was less diplomatic. "Is it too early for I told you so? Because frankly, the thought of you being the cause of all this was ridiculous. No one's better than you at fixing the Troubled."
All her wit seemed to have abandoned her, so she untangled herself from Nathan and stumbled toward the smuggler. He eyed her warily as if he expected her to smack him, but she flung her arms around him instead. "Oh shut up," she mumbled as he stood stiff and still in her grasp. After a few seconds he wrapped an arm around her tentatively as he answered, "Yes ma'am." When she pulled away he seemed gob smacked and wouldn't quite look her in the eye, but she blamed it on the tears he knew she'd hate for him to see there. He kept making shifty glances toward Nathan, as if he was afraid the cop would hold him accountable for her affection.
That left James, who was lurking on the fringe of their little group as he always seemed to be, hands in his pockets and wearing an expression to match the dictionary diagram of awkwardness.
"You too, kid," she said, because this was her son and she didn't want there to be any insurmountable distance between them. He didn't lean into the hug, and she was glad she couldn't see the look on his face, but he didn't stop her either. She wasn't sure what she was supposed to say in situations like these. She was just glad that he was here, sharing in her news, and she told him as much.
"I'm glad too." There was a moment of hesitation, and then the word that thrilled and haunted her. "Mom."
She squeezed a little harder before pulling away.
"I think I was supposed to know this wasn't your fault," he said, his brow furrowing exactly like his father's, and she chuckled and swiped the tears from her eyes.
"Don't worry about it. I think I was too."
"We really need to go," Nathan reminded them.
"Right. Nosey neighbors."
"I think it's safe to say that we're all going to be pretty useless today," Duke said, surprisingly chipper for the statement he was making. "So how about we have some breakfast? My treat."
"Depends what you're making," Nathan shot back before Audrey could even process the offer.
She rolled her eyes as Duke declared that he could make both pancakes and waffles.
"You know, I could really go for an omelet," James said. His tone was even, but Audrey caught the twinkle in his eye as he watched the flabbergasted expressions appear on the other men's faces.
"That sounds heavenly right about now!" she exclaimed, not nearly as successful at masking her glee. "And bacon. Lots and lots of bacon."
Nathan looked at her like a very large, very neglected puppy, and she couldn't contain her laughter.
"Oh my god. The look on your face. Duke's too. What is it with the two of you and your breakfast fixation? I'm getting a little concerned."
"It's obvious neither of you grew up in Maine," Duke supplied, uncharacteristically serious.
"You're just kidding around, right? We can still have pancakes?" Nathan asked.
This time Audrey and James both laughed. "Yes, we can have pancakes. But only if we don't get arrested first. So let's get out of here."
Nathan and Duke hoisted the bin between them, and Audrey and James stuffed a few loose volumes in the knapsack she'd brought. As they left the house she could barely make out what the men were bickering about, but at one point Duke seemed to raise his voice for her benefit. "Good thing she didn't curse the town, Nate. Because causing all this and then not appreciating pancakes – that could be a deal breaker."
Instead of defending her honor, Nathan just chuckled as they slipped into the dawning morning.
'Cause it's not my time, I'm not going
There's a fear in me and it's not showing
This could be the end of me
And everything I know, ooh, but I won't go
I look ahead to all the plans that we made
And the dreams that we had
I'm in a world that tries to take them away
Oh, but I'm taking them back
'Cause all this time I've just been too blind to understand
What should matter to me
My friend, this life we live, it's not what we have
It's what we believe in
Warning – season 4 spoilers ahead, so stop reading now if you haven't seen 4x01!
Yikes – that premiere! I must admit, I was less depressed afterwards than I expected to be – probably because I fully anticipated the angst factor would be high this season. Despite all that, I enjoyed it more than I expected to – I am so glad the show is back, because I just love these characters so much. And it's now super fun to watch the show and see how things differ – or don't – from the version of events I created here. I'm going to keep a list of all the things I got right – like the angry Guard. Though I really hope Lexie gets to Haven soon, because as aggravating as her amnesia is liable to be, I want her to at least get to interact with Nathan and Duke. And if William is a love interest, I'll be grouchy. Though was anyone else getting Williams is James vibes? Because I'm not sure how that would work, but that's my pet theory at the moment.
Happy watching, and reading, and let me know what you think if you have a chance.
Thanks so much!