I hope everyone's staying warm! It's pretty freezing here where I am. Happy January, all!
Thank you to my lovely reviewers from the last chapter; Mzspurrs15, Guest, InconsciousSin, and Aiedail4eva! I love love love hearing from yall, please do make it a point to tell me what you like or dislike (or even both, if you're feeling daring) about my chapters! Hugs to all of you, I hope you have a good Friday!
xoxo,
nightfall26
She called out names in her sleep, begging for peace, for solace, for her friends.
"I'm sorry." I whispered, unable to understand her anymore and yet hoping that she could somehow understand me. Katara's silence from the garden made my heart sink. I hid the pendant in a box under the sink for the time being. I was almost done, it'd be another few days before I could find some ribbon for it and then I'd hang it around her pretty neck, where it belonged.
But that night, for the first time, she cried out Zuko's name with a soul-shaking agony that made me turn over and face the wall with an emptiness growing in my heart. I knew now.
I knew her secret.
aang.
I sat for a long time on the edge of the roof, swinging my legs in the air with a slow, rocking motion that kept the screams of frustration at bay. I wanted to shriek her name to the entire world, to yell my utter despair to the skies and wonder if anyone cared to hear me. Yeah, I knew I was just a kid in her eyes. We had barely so much as kissed, let alone really been affectionate or physical together. We loved each other in a way that made me feel warm and safe.
But Zuko made her feel like she was on fire. I saw it in her eyes. I'd seen it there before, in the way Suki and Sokka sometimes exchanged knowing glances. I saw it in the way Zuko's eyes had trailed after her like he was a hunter again, stalking its prey with the severity of an animal. His golden eyes flickered with a heat that I couldn't understand.
But she could. She could understand the burning, the pain, the darkness that he felt. I'd rejected darkness. I'd rejected the very idea that a person could be so hurt that it could define a part of them, that their suffering could inevitably change their personality. But it was so achingly human to do that, to internalize agony in such a way that it utterly altered your very being.
Her nightmares frightened me at first, because I couldn't stop them. The way she cried out in her sleep hurt me down to my core, resonating in my very being because she didn't deserve this hurt. Why couldn't she just let it go? I'd wondered, my thin arms around her shoulders as I tried to rock her into a slow, easy comfort. Katara had only sobbed more, if anything, when I'd touched her. She spent her days at our- my- little house tending her garden and nursing things into life, playing with the animals and seemingly avoiding more contact with me than was strictly necessary.
How oblivious I'd been. I'd thought she was simply shy, at first, not understanding that our relationship should be progressing rather than regressing. I'd made excuses for her over and over again, hoping a part of her soul still had my name written on it.
But she treated me like she always had. She cooked me dinner, cleaned up my dishes, washed my clothes, and made my bed, all in a motherly way.
I'd been so uncomfortably ignorant of the truth.
I reflected for a long moment upon the year where she'd stayed in the Fire Nation, and I'd toured the world, giving my aid where I could. I had diligently written her letters, and for a time, she'd written me back.
But after the first few months, her attention had drifted. I'd blamed it on her extensive duties as ambassador between her Nation and Zuko's.
I hadn't even thought that maybe she'd never looked at me the same way I'd looked at her. My mind, sparkling with possibilities and victory, couldn't fathom a world in which Katara didn't love me just the same way I loved her.
It was so clear, now.
She never had.
I pushed myself to my feet, taking a long, shaky breath in through my mouth. No matter how much I loved her, or rather, the idea of her, I couldn't blame her or Zuko for this. Zuko was my friend. He hadn't meant to hurt my feelings, he'd only fallen for the same beautiful woman that I had.
I rubbed my hands across my head, the callouses on my hands rough against the baldness of my skull. I'd shaved my head again after Katara had left. I'd wanted to rid myself of her, of the feeling of her hands in my hair. I wanted so badly to forget that wide-eyed, soul searching stare of hers, the way she snapped at me when things didn't exactly go as planned, the fury that rose in her heart like a phoenix taking flight.
Spinning down into the courtyard, I touched down on the ground with a learned lightness. The poison had done a number on Zuko's system, and between that and the old wound on his chest, it was going to be hard for him to be up to fighting speed again.
He'd need all the help he could get.
So I walked back into the palace, folding my air glider and leaning on it as I strode along, needing the comfort of something familiar in this place of wretched confusion. The halls were bustling with people, all murmuring something or another as they carried food and necessities out to the people in the main square.
I didn't even bother knocking on the massive doors to the war room; I was the Avatar, knocking just wasn't my style. I pushed open the doors with a stiff wind. Inside, Zuko was standing proudly by the map table, surrounded by his Uncle and advisers. He wanted to look like his injuries hadn't set him back, he wanted to look fierce and proud and strong. But I could see one hand on the edge of his chair was supporting all of his weight, and his whole arm was quivering. I could see the sickly sheen of sweat on his face and the way his eyebrows were pulled together slightly with pain.
"Avatar Aang, you grace us with your presence." He said pointedly, the statement formal and cold. I nodded to him and to his Uncle out of respect. He wasn't exactly happy with me, that I could see.
"With all due respect, Fire Lord Zuko, you're going to need all the help you can get. We have no idea what we're up against." I responded just as briskly, walking towards them with my shoulders thrown back.
"It would be wise to accept the Avatar's help." Iroh muttered lowly. Zuko waved his hand a little to acknowledge that the bearded man had spoken before staring at me in the same soul-searching way that Katara did, unwaveringly, proudly.
"We've collected some slight information on the situation and we've sent out aid to the villagers that need it." One of the advisers piped up, a short man with a tall hat and a long mustache. Zuko nodded once to him respectfully, not removing his eyes from my face.
"But we know nothing about how your sister is actually involved, since the girl in the square was a decoy. Lady Katara is a prisoner of war now, and we'll have to figure out where they've taken her." Iroh added, smoothing his hands over the pieces of parchment spread out before him. Zuko's eyes grew stormy as soon as her name was mentioned, and I pursed my lips.
"We'll start amassing our troops to march on the harbor." Zuko spoke lowly, his eyes raking over me as if I were doing him some dishonor by intruding like this.
"That's a stupid idea." I commented without speaking, hearing the sharp intakes of breath from some of the offended advisers and just barely containing an eye roll.
"And why is that?" Zuko's knuckles were whitening as he gripped the chair tighter by the second. His legs were starting to shake, but this time, not with weakness- but with fury.
"They've got an army twice the size of anything you could come up with. It's obvious they've prepared, they'll be expecting you to march on them. You can't just send people into battle knowing that they're outnumbered!"
"Zuko is thinking of taking a team of his most trusted soldiers in to survey the area." Iroh replied to me softly, stroking his beard. I felt shame redden my cheeks as I realized I'd spoken entirely out of turn.
"So you'd waste innocent lives just to survey?" I hissed, mostly because I was embarrassed by Zuko's obvious show of power. I'd been the hero for so long, it was a little strange physically seeing someone else rise to the task instead of me. Zuko sighed a little.
"No, Aang. We send them in as stealth troops to sneak up on the ships tonight. I'll also be accompanying them."
"Tonight? You're not in any condition-"
"I can judge my condition, and I feel just fine." Zuko's voice whipped through the air, snapping across me like a lightening bolt and reminding me of my place. He was Lord here, not I.
"I only came to offer my guidance." I spoke meekly now, stepping backwards slowly. Iroh nodded to me, his eyes weary as he looked at his nephew. He knew as well as I that he was in no condition to be on his feet, let alone lead a platoon into battle.
"Your support is welcomed." Zuko said wearily.
"Dismissed, everyone. We'll gather again after we've pulled together our survey team." As soon as the advisers shuffled out of the room, I was almost positive that Zuko would crash to the ground out of utter exhaustion. But instead, he pushed himself away from the chair and towards me.
"I'm going to find her, Aang. I will not rest until she's safe again." He was burning inside, writhing with the agony of knowing that she'd slipped through his fingers.
"And I'll help you." I said quietly, reaching my hand into the space between us, offering a truce in the form of a handshake. Zuko hesitated a moment, his eyes narrowing as he tried to figure me out. But when he came up with no answers, he shook my hand firmly.
"I'd like some time alone with my Uncle, now, if you don't mind." He turned away then, and suddenly, I was overcome with how frail he looked. He limped back to the table, his hands grasping at the wood. Suki had mentioned two wounds that ailed him besides the lightening scar. He had one poisoned wound on his right leg, and the other on his arm. He had to be exhausted. I hurried to exit the room, shutting the doors behind me as I did and standing outside for a moment.
For a long, drawn out instant, I could hear the sound of his rasping breath.
And then I heard a distinct thud as he fell to the ground with a sharp cry of pain.
katara.
It was dark.
I could hear my breath, quick, rasping through my dry lips and trembling into the cold air. A long shiver made its way down my spine. My head was smarting, they'd knocked me out so I hadn't seen any faces or anything other than the darkness of my own eyelids. My heartbeat was knocking against my ribs with fear. I couldn't see anything in this blackness except for my own despair.
What if they were going to kill me? The question pulsed through my swollen, exhausted mind, making my eyes tear with frustration and my fingers dig into my palms. I'd never get to say goodbye to my family, my friends- to Zuko. A low whine of pain escaped me just then, as I envisioned the contours of his face and the warmth of his gaze.
When the prickle of tears seared along my throat, I coughed a little to cover up my sudden weakness.
Tui and La.
I'd never get to hold him again.
There, in that ultimate desolation, my hands scrabbled at the cold slickness of the floor beneath me as my chest wracked with silent sobs. I'd never get to stare into his eyes again and see that endless understanding, that beautiful calmness that he only showed to me. I'd never get to feel his fingers dance across my skin or through my hair, or to hear his laugh again.
I'd never get to tease my brother again, or to see his wedding, or to play with his kids. I'd never get to see if Aang would ever forgive me for the wrong that I'd done him, for the pain I'd caused him- him, the ultimate definition of innocence. I'd just be gone, as if I were a candle extinguished by a breeze.
My head hurt, and the various little scrapes and injuries that marred my skin stung a little, but what hurt the most was wondering if I was going to ever make it out of here alive. I managed to control the tight grip of fear that had worked its manacles around my chest, tilting my head back against the surface behind me and shutting my eyes. I sucked in a long, deep breath through my mouth, feeling my limbs tingling from the uncomfortable chill that had settled in the air. I loved the cold, relished it, even. But that was always when I was bundled up in my favorite fur-lined parka, with my boots laced up to my knees. That was when I cooked over a fireplace, the sparks occasionally falling on my sleeves and I'd brush them off with my mouth twisted in a hateful expression.
I didn't do that anymore.
But now, I could feel the cold sinking into my bones. My bare skin touched the iciness of the floor beneath me as it ate away at my body heat. I was so vulnerable right now, I hated this. I hated being blind to the world around me, I hated feeling cold, and empty, and lost.
If someone attacked me right now, I wasn't sure I could compose myself.
"Hello, waterbender. It's been a while."
The sudden voice started me, and I gathered my knees to my chest, searching the vast expanse of nothingness in front of me for a face to put to the voice. I recognized the voice- I knew it. Who was in here with me?
The long pause made me hyperaware of every noise that surrounded me. I stilled my breath, closing my eyes and listening. I could hear them. I could hear the shallow inhales that they made, I could feel the rush of blood through their body. My fingers clenched as I readied myself to blood bend if I had to.
"Katara, you have to stop blood bending. It's evil. The darkness in it will devour you!" Aang's voice resonated in my head, but I shook it off, opening my eyes so that I could stare as menacingly as I could muster in the direction of the voice.
A low flicker was revealed a few feet away from me, lighting the familiar features of Zuko's ex-girlfriend, Mai. Her eyes glittered with malice as she took in the sight of me. I felt a burn of anger rush along my chest, making my lip curl a little. Didn't she know she was betraying everything he stood for by being here like this?
Was she supporting Azula? She had to be. And in turn, she was making Zuko pay for their loveless relationship. I pressed my lips together fiercely and tried to heft myself into a standing position. I felt weaker than usual, for some reason, and it was difficult to move to my knees. My legs were trembling.
"It's oddly nice to see you shivering behind bars, peasant." The words were a low hum of cruelty, and I scrambled to my feet, my nose wrinkling in irritation. Who did she think she was? I scanned the area around me quickly. I was indeed, behind bars. I was still locked in the cage they had brought me here in, bound to the ground with heavy chains that made my chest constrict with fear again.
"You know what was really nice, Mai? Knowing that your boyfriend didn't really love you." I spat the words poisonously, wanting to retaliate, to wipe that stupid smirk off of her face. But she only shook her head slowly.
"You might want to watch what you say. See that cuff around your ankle?"
It was a heaviness that I'd only just noticed.
"That blocks your chi, so you can't bend. Not even a little. Oh, and also, it drains your spirit energy."
I frowned deeply, not sure of what she was referencing. Mai's smirk grew deeper, and she flicked a strand of her heavy black hair over her shoulder before she rested her perfectly manicured red nails on the edge of the cage.
"Which means, peasant, that unless your Fire Lord comes to rescue you, you'll be dead in less than a month." The sentence hit me harder than a punch to the gut, making my stomach roil with a sick feeling that nearly toppled me. Instead, I narrowed my eyes at her, swallowing the bitter bile rising in my throat and walking as close to her as I dared.
"When Zuko comes for me, and I'm sure that he will, be sure to remember that it'll be me beside him for the rest of his life." I hissed, shoving her hand off of the cage and feasting on the slight dance of insecurities in her darkening eyes. Mai sneered at me once, calling my bluff.
"I think I'd rather just laugh when he sees your cold, dead body." She spun away from me then, taking the light with her and leaving me in the cold, black prison. Reaching behind me for the opposite side of the cage, I let myself slide back down to the floor. I was shaking too much to stand any longer. I felt empty.
Worse than empty, I felt completely hollow. Like someone had carved out the inside of me with a spoon. It had been a long time since I hadn't been able to bend. It had been a long time since I'd been in this kind of danger, too. Strangely enough, I'd relaxed when I had lived in the Fire Nation. I'd always felt safe. And I was the type to usually sleep with one eye open, never trusting my surroundings or the people who lived around me.
There had once been a time where I hadn't trusted Zuko with even the smallest tasks, where I'd hated him, snapped at him, and often times wished that he would just disappear.
But now, what I wouldn't give to have him with me.
I reached out into my memories for him, letting the happiness I'd felt surge through me and warm me from head to toe. It was so amazing how quickly everything had changed.
one year & a half prior.
"Look, Katara, you know I have to do this. I have to go back out into the world and see how everyone is doing, I have to help rebuild."
"Aang, don't you care at all about how I'm feeling about all of this?" I huffed, my hands fisted in my messy hair and my expression grim. He glanced over at me with the same wide eyes he'd always had, big and troubled and quivering from my raised voice. I sat down with a sigh into a nearby arm chair. We were standing out on the balcony of my room, and he'd invited me out here to watch the sunset. Instead of talking about our relationship, like we should have been doing, he'd decided to declare that he was leaving. He was out to put a giant bandaid on the war and poverty stricken world, so to speak.
The war was over, Zuko was Fire Lord, and Aang was on a power trip. I rolled my eyes a little and tried not to let my temper surge. He wanted to leave me here, in the Fire Nation, all alone and possibly facing an army of people who would love to see me beheaded. At this point, he wasn't exactly boyfriend material to me.
"Come on, Aang, you know Zuko just appropriated me the ambassador between our two countries."
"And you know how proud I am of you!" He exclaimed, cutting me off and bouncing back to his feet. I bit my tongue to keep from screaming. Did he really think that this job was going to be easy? The Fire Nation wasn't exactly known for loving people of different skin colors.
"But you have to see that I have to do this." He spoke softly now, bending down to me with his gigantic eyes and fluffy hair in a way that made him look awfully like Momo. I frowned.
"I guess." I said, somewhat hesitantly, wondering if he'd pick up on my absolute need for someone to be there for me right now. Sokka and Suki were heading back to the Water Tribe soon, and Sokka was going to start preparing an engagement necklace for his girlfriend. There were many rituals to be done, many different trials for Suki to face as an outsider becoming part of the tribe. I had wanted to be there for her, to coach her, to make sure that my people didn't overwhelm her. She was one of my best friends, and she'd done many good things for me, the least I could do would be to make her feel comfortable in my home.
But Aang was leaving me in a place where I felt as vulnerable as a baby turtle duck, unable to do anything but flap around and coo, hoping for attention.
"Great! I'll leave in the morning." He leaned over to peck a kiss on the top of my head before swinging off, back into the palace and away from me. I felt like we were entire ages away from each other. I knew he'd probably come back every now and then, but I needed someone to be here for me now.
And he was leaving me.
So I stood, drifting to the railing of the balcony and sighing heavily. I had to admit, my view was pretty much perfection. I could see over the whole city from here. I leaned over, placing my elbow on the warm stones of the railing and cupping my chin with my hand. There were times where I liked it here. It was a whole different world, a place where everything was opposite from the land I'd grown up in. The beautiful variety of flowers I found when I went out for walks made me smile, and sometimes, even the heat didn't bother me.
I had to admit, the animals here were adorable, too.
"Katara?"
The voice from behind me startled me, and I jumped a little, turning around to see Zuko standing by the doorway. His expression was troubled.
"Yeah, Zuko? Is everything okay?" His hair wasn't quite long enough for a topknot yet, so it hung messily around his face in a way that made my stomach clench. The robes he wore today were long and regal, the intricate golden embroidery shimmering in the last rays of sunlight.
"I'm fine, Katara. Are you? I saw Aang come rushing out of here a minute ago, and I wanted to see if you were okay." His chest was heaving, and the words were a little breathless, which made me guess that he'd run here. I didn't think that would be an easy feat, not with those robes of his dusting the floor.
I smiled at him, feeling a rush of warmth at the fact that he'd come to make sure I was alright. I'd been here about a week now, and Zuko had made it his personal duty to make sure we were all as comfortable as possible. Some people in his Nation were still Ozai supporters, so they didn't exactly approve of our presence in the capital. I had a stack of death threats on my desk already, and I hoped blindly that Zuko hadn't seen them on his way in.
"I'm okay. Aang just came to tell me that he was leaving me here until he was done touring around the Nations." The way I phrased it almost made me feel a little better. I hadn't wanted to go along with him, anyways, not with so many changes happening in my life. I needed to stay in one place for a little while, to center myself and to figure out what direction I wanted to go in.
Zuko's brow furrowed, and he walked towards me, standing next to me and leaning back against the railing.
"But you just got appointed ambassador. That's not exactly an easy job, shouldn't he be supporting you until you feel comfortable here?"
"I wish." I said snappishly, raking a hand through my hair. Zuko nodded slowly.
"I see. Well he's not much of a boyfriend then, is he?" I bristled at his word choice.
"He's not exactly my boyfriend. I really have no clue as to what we are." I muttered. There was a long silence between us. I was used to these pregnant pauses when Zuko and I talked, and at this point, they weren't uncomfortable. It was almost like those quiet spaces between our conversations were what made it special; it was nice that we didn't have to fill the air with meaningless words.
My gaze drifted over to the Fire Lord, taking in how tall he'd gotten. I felt dwarfed next to him. The side of Zuko's face that I could see was the unscarred side, and for a moment, I let myself stare. I wondered for a second what kind of life he would have lead had his father not banished him. Would he have been on our side? Or would we have been enemies?
But when his eyes rested on mine and I saw his soul burning in those golden orbs, I decided that there was an innate goodness in him that would never have allowed himself to darken to that extent.
Even so, I was happy that the gods had lead him into my life when they had.
"Let me know if I can do anything to help, Katara. I know you're stressed, and you'll be facing many obstacles in the coming weeks, so I want to make myself as available as I can to you. We're friends, you can ask anything of me." A broad smile curved his lips upward, and I felt my own grumpy facade cracking.
Startling us both, I turned to him and wrapped my arms around him, much like I had on the day I'd declared my forgiveness towards him. And just like that day, he stiffened at first, not sure what to do with the physical affection.
It took him a moment, but before long, his arms looped around my shoulders and we stood like that for a time.
When he left, I felt warmer than I had in forever.
This was a fun chapter to write, for sure. I do feel pretty awful for Aang though.
(not too awful though, Zuko will always be my fav!)
As always, review! that lil box down there is looking mournfully empty, it'd be so much happier with your words in it!
xoxo,
nightfall26