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xoxo,
nightfall26
One hand was firmly planted on my throat, cutting off my air, making it so hard to breathe.
But I didn't want to breathe anymore. I wanted to throw myself into the ocean, I wanted to die, I wanted to drown. The other hand was pressed up against the wall as he pushed against me. I could barely struggle, now, having to accept what was happening to me with a whine of horror.
His saliva coated my throat and face, and his hands left bruises on my already battered body, moving on me in a way that no man had ever dared do before. So much. Too much, too much. I couldn't do this. My body couldn't take any more-
Zuko, please-
I was left with scraps of my clothing strewn over me messily, left with wounds that couldn't be healed, left with a broken soul, a shattered mind. I was left cowering in the corner of a dirty cell, the tears choking me but refusing to escape my tightly pressed together eyes.
Zuko.
aang.
When Zuko had first gotten back, none of us had recognized him.
He was stumbling. Fire Lord Zuko, who usually held his head up higher than any of us were tall and kept his pride decorated across his face, was barely able to walk through the front doors of his own palace.
He wasn't Fire Lord right now.
He was the banished prince that burned in my memories, the one with the eyes of a wounded animal. The men that stood on either side of him were trying their hardest to support him, and he struggled against it, willing himself to stand straight only to crumple. He thrashed wildly, his hair flying in the air around him and sweat spinning through the air around him.
He looked sick. Feverish.
Something had happened.
"Zuko?" I called, my voice cracking in the middle of his name. Suki had run to Sokka, her face concerned for her boyfriend and darkened for worry for the girl that would be her sister-in-law.
But they were already family.
Sokka shook his head once at Suki, signaling a defeat. What kind of defeat?
"...get a crew ready, we have to set out in the morning-" He was shouting orders, his fingers scrabbling to free himself from the heavy armor he was encased in.
"Zuko, tell me what happened!" My voice was louder now, trying to push through the din of soldiers moving through the halls in their iron boots. But he didn't hear me. Instead, he stumbled again, and landed hard on his knees. With a loud cry of frustration, he pounded his fists on the floor of the hall, flames spurting out from between his clenched fingers. Shaking and breathing hard, his outburst created a silence now that made the sounds of his breathing echo in the hall. I stepped forward, hesitantly, my hands twisting together.
"Where is she, Zuko?" I asked, still meek but laced with passive-aggressiveness, kneeling in front of him so that I could see him eye-to-eye. He lifted his head, his chapped lips parted, sweat pouring down his face and his hair hanging in soaked strands about his face.
"Aang." Suki's voice was hushed as she cautioned me against the subject I was about to push on the Fire Bender. I pressed my mouth into a firm line and pointedly ignored her.
"Where's Katara?" I repeated the question. But this time, he flinched at the sound of her name, a tremor wracking his whole body before he flattened his palms out on the smooth surface of the marble floors. Zuko tilted his head towards me further, his eyes narrowed.
"She's gone." When he spoke, I saw blood was staining his teeth. Blood. Suki gasped a little in horror when she saw the redness of his mouth, her hand flying to her face.
"Gone? Gone where?" I reached forward, steadying him with a hand. Zuko spat a mouthful of blood on the floor next to me. The stain it created made me shudder.
"The ships left the harbor. I have no idea where they're going. So I have to follow them. I have to find her." Rasping, he couldn't catch his breath between his choppy sentences.
I pushed away from him, standing easily and backing up.
"Suki, we're going to need a healer from the village. I think the poison that was in his wounds is affecting him in ways none of us can figure out." I said pointedly, gesturing to the door. She didn't move, her eyes wide with terror.
"I'll go." Toph stepped forward, her face stony. Sokka nodded once and stepped up beside her.
"I'll go too. We'll find one."
"Get him to medical." I said to the men that surrounded Zuko. They all nodded, a little nervously, reaching towards the injured Fire Lord. He struck out at one of them, sparks flying, his face contorted with pain.
I had to take control.
"Don't touch me. I have to find her." He was slipping, falling, and he tripped just enough so that one of the guard managed to catch him and secure him. Zuko's eyes rolled back in his head then, as he lost consciousness. As his men lifted him up and carried him into the darkness of the halls beyond, we all released a collective sigh.
I had to be the hero.
"I can't believe it-" Suki was crying, her hands balled into fists as she held them against her cheeks. I strode to her, managing to hold my head a little higher as I hugged her once. I felt detached.
I was detached. This was my family. These were the people I'd grown up with, lived with, almost died with, and I'd cut them off.
I had to grow up.
"I'm not Katara. I don't know how to fix him-"
"Suki, please, don't blame yourself. He's sick, and nothing but a professional can heal him. You did your best." Awkwardly, I patted her, feeling like the caretaker for the first time in my short life. Sokka and Toph both nodded to me as they exited, dashing off into the night.
Please hurry. I thought. I didn't know how much time Zuko had left. I bent, picking up a piece of the armor that he'd ripped off in his torment. She meant the world to him, didn't she?
She meant the world to all of us, really. She mothered us. She kept us in line. When we needed to be kicked around a little, she gave us a bit of a thrashing- lovingly, of course. She'd been the hardest on Zuko, though, because someone had to break through his thick shell. Someone had to reach the humanity in him, the softness, the gentleness that none of us saw at first.
But she saw it.
A lump burned in my throat, then, as I remembered the way that her eyes lingered after the dark haired boy. I remembered eavesdropping on their conversations sometimes, and I remembered hating how similar they seemed. I hated how open they were with each other. He understood her in a way that I never could have. He felt her pain, her suffering, the darkness that festered in her heart that I only wanted to get rid of. He pulled her out of her own mind, letting her scream away her fears at him, becoming her personal punching bag and not caring because he loved her.
I could see her leaning on him, gently, their shoulders touching in the glow of early morning. I could see how lightly his fingers had skimmed her shoulder when he was trying to caution her against a rash decision. I could see how carefully he'd treated her, I could see how he'd laid himself bare before her and given up his own life in order to save hers.
I saw how she'd fallen into him like a lake and he'd engulfed her, become her.
I could see it all, now. We'd all needed Katara for our own reasons.
But she needed him.
"I'm going to go after the ships, okay? I'll go on Appa, they won't be able to detect me. I'll fly above the clouds until I get close, and I'll follow them." I grasped Suki's hand in mine, focusing on her eyes, trying to get her to calm down. She nodded once, hiccuping.
"I'll be back before Zuko wakes up." I promised. That was one thing that I did that Zuko still had trouble with. I made promises. He was so afraid of failure, of losing himself again and letting people down. Especially Katara.
But this was his family, too. These were the people that took him in when he had no one, when he had nothing but his Uncle and a wounded pride.
We weren't so different, sometimes.
It was for her that I mounted Appa, my hands tightening around the leather straps as I whistled for him to take to the air.
It was for him that I let her fade from my memory as anything other than a girl that I'd once loved, and could never love again.
zuko, almost two years prior. (just after the end of the war)
"Tui and La, Zuko, I have to heal you!"
"Katara, I have work to do."
Mai would kill me if she saw me with her again. Our relationship was already shitty- I didn't need the extra argument tonight. I wanted to get some actual sleep, not wake up half the palace with our lamentations.
"Yeah, so do I! On you!" She was rampaging down the hall after me, her hair flying and her eyes sparking with fury. I groaned a little, one hand moving instinctually to the scar tissue on my chest from Azula's lightening attack.
"I'm not kidding, Katara! I have a meeting."
"Yeah, okay, whatever." She drawled, and I could hear the eye roll in her voice.
"Seriously. I have a meeting." I snipped, running my tongue over my chapped bottom lip to try and keep my frustration at bay.
"You always have a meeting." She had caught up with me, now, whirling around until she was cutting me off from the rest of the hallway. Katara stared me down, her eyes glittering with an all too familiar fierceness. I sighed as a silence fell over us. She'd been here a few months, now, and as helpful as she was in the meetings she was allowed to attend, sometimes I found it difficult to tame the passion that permeated her every word. I knew she was only trying to help, but sometimes we had to be more careful about what was said to the council.
And sometimes she had to be more careful about what she said out loud at all. Mai hated her. Worse than hated her, wanted her banned from the Nation. Her eyes burned with animosity every time she saw the mocha-haired waterbender, and once in a while she'd grip my hand tightly as if she were reassuring herself of her position.
As for the council, not all of them liked me very much, let alone Katara. They all hated the fact that I'd sent for her as an ambassador between our Nations- and some of them had gone so far as to publicly insult her.
Her face softened a little as she looked at me, her stance relaxing. She reached out to touch me, and it was only the voice in my head that reminded me of our new places in this world that made me jerk away from her. Her eyebrows bunched together, her hand retracting. I'd hurt her.
"Katara, I'll come by your room after I'm done, okay? I just really can't miss this." I tried to talk gently, tucking my hands into my robes so that I wasn't tempted to skim my fingers across the curve of her cheek. She dipped her head once in a nod before turning away from me.
I didn't want to hurt her feelings. I had to remind myself of my place sometimes, or my entire Nation would turn against me. I had threats already from people who wanted her dead, threats that made me singe my curtains with anger on accident several nights in a row. Uncle was livid- he'd picked out the pattern himself.
"Fire Lord, we must discuss the topic of marriage."
"Marriage?" I retorted, the word slipping from my lips like poison. The man who had spoken nodded once, glancing around him to see the agreeing faces of his comrades. I clenched my hands together under the table and silently fumed.
"We think it would be most acceptable for you to begin looking for your bride among women from families that we choose. There are several highly ranked contenders that would be good matches for you." Another man spoke, his voice thin and his hair even thinner.
"I don't think this is appropriate. The Fire Lord is barely of age." Uncle's voice was firm as he defended me, and I nodded to him, grateful.
"All the more reason to start looking. Beginning early is our best bet, especially if the Fire Lord is going to be... picky." The first man, a chubby, bald councilman who was trying to conceal his pudge with an extra baggy robe, spoke condescendingly. I lifted my hand to rest it on the table, and his eyes widened a little as he noticed the sparks starting to fly from my fingertips. My frustration was getting the better of me.
"I don't think that this is the time for something like this, gentlemen. We'll resume this discussion when I feel that the Nation is more stable." I said curtly, standing.
"Meeting adjourned. Good afternoon, gentlemen. May you all have successful journeys back home." I bowed a little to them, sickened, before turning and exiting swiftly. Katara's room seemed like the best place in the world for me right now, and so I headed straight there- my heavy robes billowing behind me as I walked. I looked the part of Fire Lord, certainly, but I didn't feel like it.
I felt like a terrified eighteen year old who didn't have a clue as to what life was all about.
I knocked at her door twice, but she didn't answer. My hands skimmed the surface of the wooden door, wondering, waiting, hoping that I hadn't hurt her feelings too badly earlier. I'd seen the hurt blossom in her eyes. I'd known.
So when my hands rested on the door handle, I half expected it to be locked. Instead, it opened gently, revealing her private sanctuary to me. I'd allowed her to do whatever she wanted to the room, with Uncle's help and supervision, of course. The ceilings, which had originally been crafted intricately with gold-leaf and mahogany, were hung with billowing blue fabric.
The dark-paneled walls were decorated with paintings and tapestries, with letters and pictures and little shelves that held books and trinkets. Her desk had a vase that was overflowing with orchids and lilies- Uncle's doing, probably- and papers and ink jars were scattered over the rest of it.
She'd taken out the traditional lamps and replaced them with huge paper orbs that hung by little strings all over her room. They weren't lit, now, and the room was darkened, but the doors to her balcony were open and the white curtains billowed softly in the breeze.
The light from the sun streaked across her large bed, across the yards of blue fabric and the small figure curled up in the center of it all. A smile lifted the corners of my lips as I entered, padding gently towards her and letting the door shut behind me.
It was messy in here. Organized chaos, she'd probably say, her lips pursing in her adorable frown as she described how she knew exactly where everything was. There were several Fire Nation robes tossed carelessly over a chair, her shoes next to them, and a mangle of sleepwear on the other side of the room.
As I approached her, I saw that her expression was less that peaceful. Her mouth was twisted in a grimace, her fingers knotted together and her knees pulled to her chest. Little sobs were drifting from her. I knelt at her bedside, worried, my brow furrowing. I let my finger trace her forehead gently, wondering what it was about her that made me want to be near her so badly.
Mai's words echoed in my head from our fight last night, "What is it about HER that makes you go so insane, Zuko? She's a peasant. She doesn't belong here!", and I felt a little sick.
But that was when the screaming started. At first, the crying was loud enough to only echo in the room. But then Katara's body convulsed, and a scream tore from her, wracking her small body with shivers. Her back arched against the covers, her fists pounding against the mattress as loud, wet cries ripped from her lungs.
I acted on instinct.
Climbing up onto the bed, I hurried to grasp her wrists in my hands as her fingers started scraping at her face, her nails clawing at her eyes.
"Katara, Katara, wake up!" I muttered, pulling her to me and rocking her in my arms.
"Shhh, it's okay." I whispered into her hair, smelling the sea salt and the jasmine scent that always seemed to hover around her. Her shoulders wracked with heavy sobs, her hands grasping at the material of my robes as she pulled herself closer to me.
I was surprised. Pleasantly so, but shocked that she wanted to be nearer to me.
"There were so many bodies. So much blood." The words signaled me that she was awake, but she pushed even closer to me, her head against my chest and her arms wrapped around my torso.
We were friends, I reminded myself. She was the Avatar's girl. I chastised myself for wanting her closer.
But I held her anyways.
"I know, Katara. I know." I pressed my mouth to her hair, trying desperately to calm her, my calloused hands moving up and down her back.
"Zuko, I can't get rid of these images. I can't stop the nightmares." My name in her mouth made my arms tighten, the words that followed made my heart clench with sorrow.
"Please stay." She whispered, the words reckless, but the need was real. So I curled even closer to her, rocking her softly until the sobs faded and her breathing returned to normal.
"I'm never going anywhere." Agni, it hurt to see her like this. She was passing fifteen, and I had just turned eighteen, but I felt like we were children lost at sea. We ached for things that didn't exists, for childhoods that were long dead and parents that we'd never known.
We cried out for the same things in our sleep.
I saw blood, too, in my nightmares. And I awoke to nothing but eyes full of winter beside me.
"Promise?" She looked up at me, then, her face tear-stained and her eyes red and puffy. I smiled down at her a little and nodded.
"Promise. I'll always be here."
Her lips curved into the ghost of a smile then, weary, and she pressed her face into the hollow of my throat. The feeling of her breath fanning against my skin made my stomach do somersaults. She'd always made my stomach twist; I was just now learning that she made my heart hurt, too.
"Won't Mai be mad?" Her voice was small as she said the words against my throat, and I traced circles on her spine with my pointer finger and let my cheek rest against her hair.
"Don't worry about her." I'd told her that I'd needed to be healed again at some point today, so for now, I was in the clear. Hopefully.
"Okay." The singular word was more vulnerable than I'd ever heard her before, and she nuzzled closer still, her hands tightening.
It was a long moment before she managed to clamber away from me, her cheeks red and her words trying to escape the fact that we'd both enjoyed those few minutes together. She'd healed me, then, but her expression was distant and her hands worked faster than usual.
I knew she would hear Mai's hostility that night.
I knew she'd hear us fighting, and I knew that she'd hear her name amongst the insults and screams of frustration.
I supposed I just hoped that she wouldn't have.
aang.
As Appa and I soared over the ocean, the salt-soaked air whipping my face, I squinted into the fog of the evening and managed to make out the metal ships from the harbor. They flew no flags, sported no emblems, except for a single, red streak along the port side of their hulls.
The billows of black smoke that rose into the sky made my stomach turn. I thought of a time where Zuko had once been aboard a ship much like this, his face contorted with hate and his heart smeared with blackness.
If I closed my eyes, I could sense how many people were on the ships below. It was hard for me to make out which was which, but I could tell that there were many benders. More than fifty, I guessed, and that was on only one of the ships. I swallowed noisily.
It wasn't long before I could tell that they were headed to Ember Island.
They'd turned north at some point, and the chill of the evening had made goosebumps rise along my skin.
We'd stayed there, in Ozai's beach house, all knowing of the comet and yet hoping that it wouldn't come. I patted Appa's fur gently, reminding him to stay in the air until I called him, and leapt nimbly off his back and onto my glider. There was a long cluster of red-cloaked beings that carried a cage on their shoulders when they descended on to the beach, and my stomach rolled.
Katara's figure lay in that cage, her clothes ragged, her figure slumped.
I could go to her, now, and save her.
No you can't, idiot, you're outmatched. Plus, then, they'd have the Avatar!
Sometimes I hated having a conscience. I followed their path as I soared above them, taking care to hide in the fog so that none of them saw me. I wanted to leap upon them, to surprise them, to make them pay for taking her from us- from me.
When they took her to the beach house, I decided it was time to return to the others and try to formulate a plan.
But it took so much effort on my part to tear myself away from the girl who had once been my forever.
"...so they took her to the beach house? That's sick." Sokka muttered, spearing a piece of fruit with a knife and shoving it into his mouth with a less-than-precise movement. Suki plucked the cutlery from his hand, shaking her head, and picking up her toast and smearing butter on it.
"I think that we should try and wait until Zuko's better. He needs rest. The healer drained the poison from his body, but he's weak, and he'll need sleep and food before he can start training again." Iroh spoke slowly, sipping at his tea. I nodded.
"I agree. He wants to go after her, and knowing him, he'll stop at nothing to make sure she's safe." The words were daggers in my mouth, but they were true. Zuko would rather die than leave Katara out there, all alone.
"We can start gathering supplies and information for a plan, then." Suki added, nibbling at her toast and sending irritated glances over at her boyfriend as he continued to eat noisily.
"Why we don't just head on in there, bending blazin'? We've done it before, Twinkletoes." Toph quipped, putting her feet up on the table. I laughed a little.
"We're horribly, horribly outmatched. She's got hundreds of men at her disposal, most of them benders. Not to mention we have no knowledge of the area."
Just then, the doors swung open, and Zuko entered. His eyes were wide and his face was pale, his hands shook a little, but he looked ages better than before.
When I smiled at him, he relaxed, and he settled into the conversation with us as easy as breathing.
"Alright everyone, let's do this. Let's save Katara."
katara.
"Promise. I'll always be here."
Why weren't you here?
I screamed your name.
I begged for you.
You promised.
Why didn't you come?
abandoned Katara makes my heart hurt, but fierce, battle-hardened Zuko makes me feel a little better.
review, my lovelies!
reviews are hugs in an email, please tell me if you like the direction the story is taking~
xoxo,
nightfall26