Author's Note: I take that back. I work EIGHT days in a row. Super. And one of those is an 8 hour shift. Well, I will TRY to keep writing. I bought an Avengers notebook at Walmart yesterday, so maybe I can just hand-write at work. I usually get a little down time between customers. Ugh, this summer is trying to kill me. I managed to snag four days off to fly to Portland and visit my best friend going to grad school there, but that's about it. Fall will actually be a relief!
And let me just put in how freaking hot it is in my room right now. At least 90 degrees. No air conditioning. It was 100 today outside. The title of this chapter describes how I feel right now.
Alright, enough rambling, enjoy!
18 – Up in Flames – May 17, 2012
Aspen stood watching the last of the fires burn out. The Iceland A.I.M. headquarters had been completely destroyed. A few stragglers had made it out alive before the building had blown. After Stewart had fallen into the portal taking the Eye with him, the power had been broken and his soldiers had managed to escape – at least some of them. Aspen couldn't bring herself to care about these people she didn't even know, not when she had just lost her father moments after being reunited with him. Life wasn't fair, but she had never been delusional enough to think so.
She was fingering her phone absentmindedly. This one object was all that was left of her parents' research. She had already tossed the floppy disk into the fire. Now she slid open the back of her phone and pulled out the memory card. She held it for a moment, staring down at it. This was the research that had torn her family apart and caused them so much grief. She tossed it into the fire and watched the metal melt. She heard someone come up behind her.
"You gonna be okay?" Clint asked her.
She turned to look at him. "I will be," she said. "Not today, but eventually. I spent most of my life thinking they were dead and now my dad really is gone. But it feels like less of a loss. Does that make sense? It sounds awful, but it would have been more difficult if I'd grown up with him."
"It makes sense," Clint told her. "You grew up without your parents. Doesn't mean you don't love them, but you don't have that closeness to them that most people have."
"Not people like us."
Clint gave her a wry smile. "Not people like us," he echoed.
"Where's Steve?"
"I told him to give me a minute, to give you a minute. I don't think he knows what to do with himself. He wants to comfort you but every time he looks at your face he sees those nasty bruises he gave you."
"He wasn't in his right mind."
"That doesn't mean he doesn't feel horrible about it."
"I know he feels horrible. I feel horrible for dragging him into all of this."
"He would have followed you anyway. I have the feeling he would follow you anywhere." Aspen looked over at him. Clint studied her in return. "He cares a lot about you, you know."
"I know."
"Do you? Because it's painful watching you two tiptoe around your feelings for each other when it's so obvious to everyone else."
Aspen opened her mouth but couldn't think of what to say to that. "I just don't think I can be happy right now," she finally said softly. "It feels wrong when my mom is so sad. She needs a lot of support right now. I just lost the dad I never knew, but she just lost the husband she's been with since college. She's been through so much. I can't imagine living life on the run, living in fear."
"Well now she doesn't have to live in fear if that's any consolation."
Aspen smiled at him. "It is. I'm just worried about her."
"What will you do now?" Clint asked her.
"What do you mean?"
"You told me before you went on this trip that you were thinking about resigning."
"I was." Aspen sighed. "I thought if I got out I wouldn't have to face this kind of disaster, but then I realized that if I ignored this sort of thing, ignored the bad out there, I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing I didn't do anything to prevent it. My dad told me that I should never stop fighting for what I believe in. Those were his dying words. I can do good in SHIELD. Only I don't want to be a scientist anymore. I want to be out in the field. I want to train to be a better agent."
"What about college?"
"I spent my entire life wanting to be a scientist like my parents but look where their work got them. If I keep going down that path I'm going to end up just like them. I always thought their work was something that would change the world. I just never realized what damage it would cause. I just destroyed the last bit of their research. At least the last I know of. I'm going to make sure their work never hurts anyone again."
"If you want to be a full agent you're going to have to do things you're not comfortable with," Clint warned her.
"I know that."
"Kill possibly."
"If that's what it takes to keep the world safe."
Clint gave her a long stare. "You've lost that innocence you had before," he said softly. "You can't go back after what you just went through."
"No, I can't."
"Just don't lose who you are," Clint told her. He gave her shoulder a squeeze. "Now do me a favor and talk to your soldier. He's been brooding all morning."
Aspen nodded to acknowledge that she'd heard him. She stood for a long while staring at the ashy remains of the research facility. SHIELD agents were scoping out the ruins to see if there was anything incriminating against A.I.M. that they could present to Fury. It seemed to Aspen that Stewart had done a very thorough job on destroying the lab though. She turned and then stopped short when she saw Steve standing a few yards away. He looked shyly at her, hesitant to come any closer. Aspen walked forward, looking up at him before putting her arms around him. He hesitated for a fraction of a second and then put his arms around her, pulling her close.
"I'm so sorry about your dad," he said softly.
"Me too." Aspen pressed her head into his chest, trying hard not to cry. She hadn't cried since her father had died. It was like all the stress in the last few weeks had drained her of all emotions. Her powers had been subdued as if her brain was aware that she didn't want to be hyper-reacting to everything right now. She didn't want her abilities at all, but with all the research destroyed, she didn't know if it would be possible to make a counter-serum. "I just want to go home," Aspen said finally.
"Then let's go."
Aspen pulled her head away to look up at him, keeping her arms wrapped around him. She could read the emotion in his eyes so clearly as he looked back down at her. "Quit blaming yourself," she told him. She hadn't looked in a mirror, but she supposed her bruises were pretty bad. Her back might have ached more, but somehow she seemed to be able to shut out the pain now. "It wasn't your fault."
"I know, but to think that something could make me do that…"
"Well it won't happen again. I know you would never deliberately hurt me." She hesitated then said, "I'm going to join SHIELD as a full agent."
He nodded, accepting her answer. "I'm going to join too," he said.
Aspen couldn't help the smile that tugged at the corners of her lips. "Really?"
"Yeah. We can be a team."
"I like the sound of that," Aspen said. She pulled away from him but took his hand. "I just want life to get back to normal. It's kind of sad that working for SHIELD is normal to me. This has just been a chaotic trip filled with heartbreak and unpleasant surprises."
"Have you told your mom that you're going to work full time at SHIELD?" Steve asked.
Across the parking lot Ava stood with Hannah talking quietly. "Not yet. I don't want to leave her alone, but I don't know how to console her. I'm never going to have a normal family life. After my dad died, I realized that it was all a fantasy. But it's all right. I've lived my entire life wishing for something that I couldn't ever have. It's time to move on, look ahead for once."
"It is time to move on from the past," Steve agreed.
"Ready to go?" Clint called to them, returning from scouring the ruins. He eyed their entwined hands and smirked slightly. Aspen rolled her eyes at him.
"Yeah," she said. "Get us out of here."
"The quinjet will be here in a minute. We didn't land because we didn't want to draw too much attention. Little community like this…"
"Good thinking."
They walked over to where Ava and Hannah stood. Both women looked up as they approached. Ava had tears in her eyes and her cheeks were puffy and red, but she took a deep breath and smiled at Aspen, reaching out a hand. Aspen let go of Steve's hand to take her mother's.
"Aspen, your grandmother and I were just catching up."
"That's nice. I didn't even realize I had a grandmother," Aspen said, throwing Hannah a shy smile.
"We didn't see eye to eye on a lot of things," Hannah said in way of explanation. "I got to see you when you were a baby, but we had a falling out."
"None of that matters now." Ava forced a brave smile. "I've decided to put the past behind me. No good came from the life I chose. Now we have a chance to have the life we should have had."
"Mom, I need to talk to you about-" Her words were cut off as the quinjet arrived, touching down in the parking lot.
"Later," Ava said. "We'll talk about everything later."
Aspen swallowed back her guilt. "Of course." How was she going to tell her mother she wasn't ever going to have that life? She had chosen to work for SHIELD. There was more good she could do. When her father had died, she'd realized that she wasn't ever going to have that perfect life but she found that she didn't want perfect, she just wanted to feel like she was making a difference in the world.
"Ready?" Clint asked, coming up beside her. Aspen nodded. She let Hannah and her mother board first and then Steve. Clint hesitated, looking back at the destruction. He narrowed his eyes. "Is that a person?" he asked.
Aspen turned around, squinting at the smoky scene. From the ashes rose a man swathed in purple and black. He held a bow much like Clint's and had his quiver attached around the front of his right thigh. He moved forward across the rubble and then stopped short when he realized he was being watched. Blue eyes hidden behind a mask shone out at them. His hair was red and stuck up in all directions. "Where did he come from? Clint?" Aspen looked over at her mentor who was standing quite still looking shocked. "Do you know him?" She touched Clint's arm when he didn't reply.
"Yeah, I knew him," Clint said, his voice rough. "I thought he was dead."
"Who is he?"
"He's my brother," Clint replied. "Barney Barton."
"I didn't realize you had a brother," Aspen said softly. Clint had never opened up to her about his past even after all they'd been through together. She hoped that was about to change.
Clint didn't tear his eyes away from his brother. "I never told you about my past," he said.
Barney's eyes met Clint's. Aspen could feel the tension fizzling through the air. Then a beam near where Barney was standing groaned and collapsed sending up a cloud of ashes and dust. When the ashes settled, Barney was gone as if he'd never been there to begin with. "Where did he go?" Aspen asked.
Clint stared off past the rubble. "I don't know," he said. He was looking pale and unsettled, a look Aspen very rarely saw. "But that was my brother. I'd know him anywhere. Why wouldn't he have said something though? It's been years, but how could he forget?"
"Is something wrong?" Steve walked up behind them.
"We just saw-" Aspen started.
"Nothing," Clint cut in. "It was nothing." Steve looked between Aspen and Clint and gave a nod.
"We're ready to go if you are," he said, not pressing the subject though Aspen could tell he didn't believe Clint.
"We're ready," Aspen answered, giving Clint one last look before following Steve. They boarded the quinjet, Clint jumping in a moment later, and took off. Aspen could tell his thoughts were with his brother. She didn't know what to say. She had no idea why he had been there or why he hadn't said anything to Clint. Was Clint going to tell her about his brother, about his past? She knew that as a spy he kept his past guarded so that no one could ever use it against him, but he had to know she would never do that. She decided that he would tell her when he was ready, and she wouldn't push him. She turned her eyes away from the window, glad to see the research facility fade from sight. She sighed and leaned back in her seat.
"You should try to sleep," Steve told her. "You've been through so much the last few days. We're safe now though."
Aspen felt as if a heavy weight was falling from her shoulders, leaving her much more relaxed than she had felt in weeks. She leaned her head on Steve's shoulder and allowed herself to fall into a deep sleep. She managed to sleep the entire flight home, so exhausted that her brain seemed to shut down for the hours, allowing her to sleep off the sorrow and pain and fear that plagued her when she was awake. When the quinjet alighted back in New York, Steve woke her with a nudge.
"Sorry to wake you," he said softly. "We're home."
Though Ava seemed to want to come home with Aspen, Hannah seemed to sense Aspen's reluctance. It wasn't that Aspen didn't want to spend time with her mom, it was just that she needed some time and some space to think things through. Her mom kept looking back at her as she followed Hannah out to the parking lot. They would all report in to Fury tomorrow. Clint made the arrangements for Gregor's body without asking if Aspen wanted him to. She sent him a thankful smile.
"We'll talk tomorrow," she told him. Clint nodded but his eyes were guarded.
"Take care, kid." He looked at Steve. "Take care of her," he said before turning and following the SHIELD agents that had alighted from the quinjet.
Steve drove Aspen home in her car. It was silly, but the familiar scent of her car was a comfort to her as she rested her cheek against the leather of the headrest. Outside the city lights shone like beacons in the night, winking at her in a welcoming way. This was home. Not Portland, not Arizona, not anywhere else. This was where she belonged.
When they reached her apartment, Steve walked her upstairs, waiting as she fumbled with the key. She switched on the light and turned to find Steve hovering in the doorway. "Did you want to come in?" she asked. She saw the hesitation on his face. He was thinking about what he'd done to her again. She wished her bruises would heal more quickly so he wouldn't have to look at her and see a constant reminder of what Stewart had forced him to do.
"For a minute or so," he said, finally entering.
"It seems odd being home after all that. It's so quiet and calm. I keep waiting for someone to come looking for me, trying to get their hands on the serum. It's going to take some getting used to."
"When we first started this, we wondered when it would end," Steve said.
Aspen sat down on the loveseat with a sigh. "I never imagined it would end this way. It seems so surreal to think that my dad is really dead. I spent most of my life thinking he was and now he really is."
"It's not fair that that had to happen," Steve agreed. He sat in the chair next to her. "I wish I could have done something more-"
"Don't play that game," Aspen silenced him. "We can all pass the blame and tell ourselves we could have done more, but it all happened so fast. He died to save me. He gave me a reason to keep fighting. Before all this I was ready to turn in my resignation to SHIELD. Clint always told me it was a lifes not a job. Well, it's my life, my calling. I just didn't realize it until now. There are other people like Stewart out there. They're going to hurt people and tear apart families. I want to do something about that."
"I'm going to accept Fury's offer tomorrow," Steve told her.
"He's offered you a job?" Aspen asked. "You never told me that."
"He approached me before we went to Portland, said he could use my help. I told him I'd think about it. I didn't want to influence to stay with SHIELD."
Aspen smiled. "That was thoughtful of you."
They lapsed into silence, and Aspen realized how exhausted she was. She could probably sleep all night and into the next day. Their meeting with Fury wasn't until ten, so she had some extra time to sleep. Steve looked exhausted too, and she wondered if he had slept at all on the plane. "We should get some sleep," she said.
They both stood, awkwardly avoiding the other's eyes. Finally their eyes met, and Aspen could see that Steve wanted to say something. Instead he moved toward the door. "If you need anything…"
"I know where to find you," Aspen finished, giving him a tired smile. "Thank you. For everything."
"I wish I could have done more," he said before leaving her.
"I wish I could have done more too," Aspen said to the empty room. It had occurred to her somewhere over the last day that if she had used her powers, she might have saved her father.