Chapter 22
Donna watches Tara knock back yet another shot of tequila. She's seen her drink before and the girl can handle her shit. But this…she's never seen Tara like this. "Everything okay at home?"
"Same old shit." Tara chases her shot with a sip of Budweiser. "God, how does Piney drink this shit?" She downs another sip of beer as she remembers Donna's question. "Why?"
"Uh...nothing." Donna takes a shot, mainly because she's afraid Tara will kill the bottle by herself. "You just seem…stressed." Damn, she needs a chaser too. "More than usual."
"Nah, everything is cool." The darker haired brunette seems to ponder her own statement for a bit. "Great actually." Ever since Jax stepped into her orbit, her life has been so much brighter than before.
"Good." The other teen replies, not really believing her friend. But she knows Tara is very introverted and does not ever do well when she is pushed into anything. In fact, it backfires and she completely shuts down. So Donna keeps quiet and enjoys the sound of Stone Temple Pilots on MTV. Three videos later and she's actually hid the Jose from Tara. When Tara finally speaks, Donna is thankful she swallowed her recent sip of beer.
"Do…do you think Jax is getting a blowjob from a croweater right now?"
"Wha…Where did that come from?" Donna asks, thankful that she didn't choke on her own saliva at that point. Damn Tara, she sure knew how to just lay shit out there. Her only response is to stare blankly at her friend. Unlike Jax, Donna had no clue what went on in the mind of Tara Knowles just by her eyes or face or whatever the hell he looked at to know what she was thinking. "Why would you ask that?'
"Well he isn't getting it from me." Tara admits, thankful for the tequila because there is no way she would ever have this conversation sober. "And don't guys usually go elsewhere when they're not getting it from their old lady or whatever?" Deep down she didn't really think Jax would do that. But there was that little voice that told her she wasn't worthy of anyone's devotion.
"I guess." She replies with an uncomfortable shrug. "But Jax loves you, Tara. I don't think he'd do that to you."
"Love?" Tara finishes the rest of her beer and begins to look for the Jose in a panic. Where the fuck did the bottle go? Did she finish it off? More importantly, where did Donna get off assuming Jax loves her? "He's never said that." She whispers harshly. "You shouldn't put words into his mouth." Out of nowhere she laughs. "His mouth! No wait, my mouth? What the hell started this?"
"You and Jax and blowjobs!" Donna giggles, now also too intoxicated to be alarmed by Tara. Now she just found her amusing. "Oh and LOOOOOVE!"
"Love?" Tara whispers wistfully. "No I remember blowjobs. Is he getting them from other girls?"
"NO!" She assures her friend. "I'm sure he's not. He really cares about you." Apparently, Tara wasn't ready for the love talk. "And how the hell are you guys sleeping together but haven't…you know?" That really confused the hell out of her. She was so scared to lose her virginity that she gladly sucked Opie's dick for two months before breaking down and giving it up. And Donna was certain they were having sex. In fact, she saw Tara pull Jax out of the theater a few weeks ago. And she knew for a fact, Jax wasn't leaving Die Hard With a Vengeance for much less than sex.
"I want to." Tara admits drunkenly. She wants to please Jax. She wants to make him feel as special as he makes her feel. "But I don't know what to do. What if I mess up? He's gotten lots of blowjobs before and…."
"How do you know?" Donna couldn't imagine Jax telling Tara that. Opie never liked to discuss the partners he had before her.
Tara rolls her eyes at the naïve girl across from her. "Girls talk. Besides look at him! Girls practically drop to their knees the minute he flashes that smirk."
"Except you apparently." She responds sarcastically. "So what's the hold up? You waiting for him to go down on you?"
How in the hell was Donna so comfortable with this shit? Tara was drunk, she definitely knew that, but even drunk she wanted to hide under the coffee table talking about this. It was private, strictly between her and Jax. Yet, she found herself admitting, "He has. And I want to return the favor but I'm scared to mess it up." Her words come out in a hushed tone and her eyes are looking anywhere and everywhere other than her friend. She's so uncomfortable that she's nauseous. This whole friends and letting them in thing was still so foreign to her.
"Why didn't you just say so, silly?" Donna giggles.
She thought she clearly had said so. Hadn't she? She works her mouth from side to side and ponders that thought for just a moment.
"You look terrified!" Donna laughs. "It's not that big of a deal, Tara. Just use your hand for the parts you can't reach." She sips at her beer. "Oh and don't scrape. And take my word for it….have your mouth lubed with lots of saliva. And swallow that shit. Guys are really into that."
Terrified didn't even begin to explain how Tara felt now. She knew the whole thing was more complicated than it sounded. Oh holy shit, she was never going to be able to give Jax a blowjob. Ever!
Donna's gasp alarms Tara from her mental panic attack. "I have an idea." Donna stands grabs two more beers. "Come on!" She excitedly leads Tara down the hall and into Opie's bedroom. She further confused Tara by peering down the hallway, first left than right, before shutting the door as though they were on some stealth ninja mission.
After Donna opens Opie's mess of a closet, flicks the light on, dodges the stray junk that threatens to fall, and reaches to the top shelf, Tara forces herself to ask, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to show you how to give a blowjob." Donna smiles proudly, not in the least embarrassed at all.
Tara unconsciously looks Donna up and down, horrified, "Ugh…what? You know…I think I need to get home." She walks briskly to the door and with her hand on the knob, she asks nervously, "Just tell Jax to find me there?" Suddenly several VHS tapes hit Opie's mattress with a thud. Curiosity gets the best of her and she asks, with the door now open, "Ugh, what's that?"
"Porn." Donna laughs, popping the top on a new beer. "Do I even want to know what you thought I was talking about?"
"No, definitely not." Tara laughs nervously, "But um…, I'm not sure about this."
"You've never seen one before, right?" When Tara shakes her head, "And you want to do it but you are an over-achiever and scared you'll do it wrong, right?" Tara shrugs anxiously. "So what better way? I admit these girls are a bit over the top but…you'll get the idea."
It was a testament to just how wasted she was that she was actually intrigued by this idea. Actually, it made sense to her. She shuts the door as Donna pops the VHS into the VCR on Opie's dresser and adjust the TV accordingly. Tara's eyebrows crinkle when she hears the theatrical screams coming from the tape immediately, "Want me to rewind?"
"Nooooooooo, it's fine." Tara's eyes enlarge when she recognizes the face on the screen. "Oh, oh my God….that's…."
Donna is hysterical now. "You didn't know Otto's old lady was a porn star?"
"NO!" Tara gasps when the co-stars cock makes an appearance. This whole thing felt wrong. She had lunch with this woman last week, for Christ's sake! "Otto doesn't care that Opie's watching his old lady?" Even looking at the actor's cock felt wrong to Tara, like she was doing something illicit behind Jax's back.
"I'm not sure he knows Op has this." Donna admits. "But LuAnn was doing this when she met him." She hands Tara the unopened beer. "Oh, here she's about to do her thing…take mental notes."
Jax was pissed. He and Opie were supposed to meet the girls hours ago at Op's house with take-out from Lumpy's . The bullshit errand that Clay had them run in Oakland took even longer than he thought it would. He hadn't gotten to spend any time with Tara since kissing her goodbye this morning and heading to the garage. The more he thinks about it, the more irritated he gets.
"Christ, don't break the door." Opie warns his friend, catching the door that Jax practically swings off the hinges upon entering.
"We're late." Jax replies gruffly. "Tara is probably starving."
"How is Tara?" David Hale asks from his seat at the counter. It takes everything in Jax not to punch the arrogant douchebag in his face. He knows the prick has a hard-on for his girl. He's caught the jackass looking at her. And it's the same look Jax is sure is on his face when he looks at Tara. The look of a guy in love. Not that Hale would know what to do with a real woman like Tara anyway.
"None of your damn business." Jax replies, just as Peggy the older waitress comes to take their order.
She interrupts Jax by clearing her throat. "Jackson Teller, that is no way to speak in my workplace."
As usual, his smile works and Peggy's icy demeanor crumbles. "I'm sorry Peggy. We've got the girls waiting on us and they're starving."
"More like he's starving." Opie informs Peggy. "And if he doesn't see Tara in the next fifteen minutes, he's gonna go crazy."
"Shut the…" At Peggy's icy glare, Jax finishes much more mildly with, "hell up, Op."
"The usual, honey?" The waitress asks with a smile.
"Sure thing, darlin'." Comes that trademark smirk.
Twenty minutes later the guys scramble through Piney's front door. "Tara? Babe, you still here?" Jax shouts loudly. Opie shoots him a glare. "What?" He shrugs, noting the hurried footsteps coming down the hall.
"Were you in my room?" Opie asks Tara. "Where's Donna?"
"Ugh…she's coming." Tara answers, smiling at Jax before hugging him. "We were looking for her…necklace." She looks up from Jax's embrace to his eyes. "Hey."
"Hey." Jax sighs, taking his first deep breath of the day. "You started the party without me." He can smell beer and "Did you hit Piney's tequila?"
"Donna's idea." Tara smiles drunkenly. "I swear." She drops an open mouth kiss to his neck. "I'm starving."
"I knew you would be." He teases, already turned on by her kisses and the intoxicating scent of her plus the alcohol she's consumed. "Want to eat here or head to your place?" The plan had been to hang out with Opie and Donna but that was kind of shot to hell thanks to Clay. Now, all Jax wanted to do was eat (well feed his woman) and crawl into bed with her.
"We can go." Tara beams at him, reading his thoughts automatically. As he grabs their bag with one hand and leads Tara to the door with the other, he nods to Opie just as Donna finally appears.
"Sorry, babe." She dives into the remaining bag on the table. "I was looking for a pair of jeans I thought I left here." Opie turns to look at Tara in confusion, he could have swore she mentioned a necklace, but the sound of the Harley clues him in to the fact that they've already left.
Sometime later, Jax is lying in bed with Tara, who is wearing the hell out of his SAMCRO tee shirt. "I'm sorry I was so late, babe." He kisses her head. "I missed you all day."
"I missed you too." She smiles up at him.
This is his favorite smile she gives. It lights up her whole face and displays those dimples he loves. Actually, he just loves everything about her. But more importantly, he just loves her. And he wants to say the words that float around his head all the time but then he remembers how reluctant she was to even start this thing up with him. How hard it is for her to trust. Will she even believe him? "How much did you drink, babe?" He's worried she will be sick tomorrow.
"A lot." She admits. "But eating took most of the drunk away." Lying here with him like this makes her feel like the safest, most loved girl in the world. Donna's words ring in her mind. Does Jax really love her? She was certain she loved him. But maybe even most importantly, she trusted him. She trusted him with her heart and her secrets. "My mom didn't die from cancer."
"What?" He'd heard her. He just didn't know where it came from or what to say. Everyone around town talked about Michelle Knowles', sudden, untimely death from cancer. Rumor had it that she was unaware she had it but died peacefully in her sleep. He's not even sure she heard his question as her eyes are downcast and she'd tracing his abs lightly with her fingertips. "Tara?" He whispers.
"She killed herself. Sleeping pills." Her rhythm never stops along his abs. "My dad was on a business trip, the usual." She swallows thickly, pushing the emotion down. "He called to tell her his flight was delayed, I don't know, some kind of weather. I answered the phone because she was sleeping. My dad told me to crawl up in bed with her and when we woke up, he'd be home." Jax feels the wetness from her tears on his chest long before he hears them in her voice. "But she never work up. I laid beside her, cuddle up with her for hours but was too stupid to know she was dead."
It takes him a minute to swallow thickly and get his emotions together, "You weren't stupid babe. You were a kid." He pulls her even closer to him, so he can squeeze her tightly. "And you must have been so scared." He kisses her forehead before using her chin to guide her gaze to him. The raw honesty and trust in her hazel eyes hitting him directly in the heart. "I'm sorry you were alone." Suddenly he's angry, what kind of mother would put her nine year old child in that position? If you're selfish enough to kill yourself, do it at a more convenient time, he thinks.
Tara reads him easily. "Don't be angry with her. She was a great mom." She defends. "I guess there was just so much unhappiness inside her…I don't know. Maybe things were shit with my dad." She sniffles. "Although I don't remember him drinking so much back then."
"How come everyone thinks she had cancer?" He doesn't really care but he needs to stop the road they're on so he doesn't upset her more.
"My dad asked Unser and old man Skeeter to say that." She sniffles again and clears her throat. "He didn't want people to know the truth and make things worse than they already were for me."
So apparently the guy did have some parental concern after all. But how could that asshole all but abandon Tara when she needed him so much? Suddenly, Jax remembers those horrid forty-eight hours he sat by his own father's bedside. "I remember watching that machine…the ventilator, breathing for my dad." He finds himself telling her. "And I was so angry that he was choosing to die, choosing Thomas, instead of me." Tears are falling now, for the first time ever, in front of her. She must know how uncomfortable that is for him because she leans back and turns off the small bedside lamp, leaving them alone in the dark. "I always thought my old man could do anything." Tara wipes his cheek with her thumb, the inclination bringing him so much comfort. "But he couldn't wake up. Not even when I still needed him so much."
"I'm so sorry, baby." Tara soothes, cuddling deeper into his embrace again. "Nothing could keep me from coming back to you." She promises. And it was true. For the first time in years, she actually feels like she matters, like she comes first to someone else.
"Me either, babe." He promises with a kiss. I love you. The words are ready to come out when she giggles, "We make quite a pair, Teller."