Author's Note: This is it folks, the conclusion. Thank you all for taking the time to read my story, for forgiving all my editing errors, and for all the awesome reviews. I promise you I do notice the errors and always intend to fix them. Being a homeschooling, stay at home mom and wife, doesn't leave me much free time lol. Thank you guys for encouraging me to get back into my love of writing and for getting my creative juices flowing again.
When I originally started this I planned on having a part two that would pick up where Season 1 started. I have since changed my mind (we saw that in SOA land) and decided to write a three-part 613 AU. I have already started it. Fair warning, it will be angsty and heartbreaking but oh, so worth it. I do hope you will come along for the ride. I will load each part in its entirety to not leave anyone with major cliffhangers. Be on the lookout for Part 1 coming soon.
Special thanks to Alyssa, Emily, and Jessica for encouraging me (work bitch!), editing, and letting me bounce ideas off of. Love you girls! As always, the characters belong to Kurt Sutter. Labeled M for language and content. Hope you enjoyed the ride!
Chapter 31
Early February 1997
"What the hell is he doing here?" Jax demands from the back driver's side tire of a Tempo when he sees Frank Knowles' Cutlass pull into the lot.
"Probably here to see his kid." Bobby gives Jax a confused look at they both watch the man walk towards the bar.
"He's been here to see her before?" The words are thick and come out raw as Jax gets up and wipes some grease off his hands. Not bothering to wait for an answer, he storms across the lot. Tara has stayed with him since that horrible day her old man put his hands around her throat. Not once has she mentioned him stopping by here. He immediately notices Tara's uncomfortable stance from behind the bar as she makes what seems like small talk with her dad. "Everything okay, here?" He forces himself to ask, glaring at Frank. The way the older man's eyes meet his, sends a chill down Jax's spine but immediately the older man breaks the gaze. It takes everything in him not to go over and drop the man where he sits. He has to force himself not to wrap his own hands around the man's throat and show him how scared Tara must have been that night.
"Yea, baby." Tara puts a soda on the bar for Jax, knowing he didn't need a beer right now. "My dad just stopped in for a beer and to bring me some mail."
He meets her gaze and can read the tension in her green eyes that are too dark for his liking. "Just thought I'd break for lunch." He sits at the bar and wraps his hand around the cold glass. "And eat with you."
"School lets you out to work in a bar?" Frank comments icily to his daughter. His gaze falls to his beer when Jax glares at him. "I'll get to leaving then."
"You should." Jax huffs, never taking his eyes off the worthless piece of shit. Tara doesn't verbally admonish him but squeezes his fingers. He'd look at her if he could bring himself to stop glaring at Frank's back as he walks out of the bar. "What the hell was he doing here?"
"I told you." She sighs. "He was dropping this off!" She motions to the thin stack of mail.
"He's been here before." Clearly, it isn't a question by the look he is now giving her.
She takes a deep breath before walking around the bar and sitting next to him. "Obviously you know he has."
After kissing her hand he asks, "You haven't mentioned it?" They didn't keep things from each other. He pushes aside the mental reminder that he has not told her about things he does for the club. That is different, he tells himself, that is business stuff, and this is personal.
"He's been in twice since November. He just sits here nursing a beer, doesn't even speak to me." She sips his soda. "I didn't mention it because I know you want him dead."
"Probably the only time the asshole has nursed anything." Jax chuckles sarcastically. He tries to push down the anger that rises in him at the very thought of Tara's father. "I can't believe you are okay with him being here. He doesn't deserve to be in the same room as you."
"I don't think Clay or Gemma would like me turning away a paying customer." She teases with a smile. "Besides, both of the other times he was here, I went out and worked in the office after a few minutes." She kisses him until his anger fades and he is participating in the kiss as much as she is.
"You gonna make your man his lunch or what woman?" He teases with a smack to her ass as she gets ready to walk behind the bar.
"Does my man want to wear his lunch?" She throws over her shoulder with a saucy grin that has him ready to skip lunch altogether and take her down the hall and into their bedroom.
XXXXXXXXXXXXX
Holy-fucking-shit, he was so sore. And wasted. Any probably a bloody mess. Wasn't Tara bitching at him to stop drinking? Some shit about not getting drunk before a tattoo? And where in the fuck was she anyway? The lot has practically shut down as he makes his way across it, stopping and asking a few random crow-eaters if they've seen his girl. Thinking maybe she was tired of waiting for Happy to finish the outline on his back and went to bed, he heads there. The darkened room left him with more questions than answers though. Squinting from the light he flipped on upon entering, he finds the bed lacking both Tara and the heavy blanket they usually use. Briefly, he contemplates passing out on the empty bed, surely Tara would find him? But nope, he refuses to fall asleep without her so off go the lights as he trudges back up the hall.
Jesus Christ, how many people where here for his party, he wonders? He eyes the random charter members from all over the west coast with their 'eaters and sweet butts draped across or around or on them in various state of undress. Tara was probably somewhere far away from this shit. He glances at what is left of his reaper cake and smirks. Damn, that thing was huge. "Op!" He shouts. "Have you seen Tara?"
"Nah, bro." He nudges Donna who is practically passed out, standing next to Op. "You see her, hon'?"
"Rooftop." Donna mumbles sleepily.
Jax meanders outside slowly, despite his desire to rush. He was fucked up enough to stumble and bust his ass for sure. Coming outside he can make her out in the moonlight and throws his hands up.
"Looking for someone, Mr. SAMCRO?" She shouts, thankful that the music has been cut off.
"Yeah, my hot ass girlfriend!" He shouts and she grins at his happiness. "You see her?"
"Maybe." She teases, "She might be up here. But you gotta come and get her."
"SHIT!" He suddenly remembers that to get up there he needs to go back inside. Wait? Why the hell did he even come out here?
"You alright baby?" Tara shouts down in concern, maybe he was more wasted than she realized. "I'll meet you inside."
"NOOOOOOOPE!" He grins. "I'm coming up. Don't go anywhere." She watches as he turns and she sees his bandaged back. All too soon he is shouting as he climbs the steps up. "TARA!"
"I'm right here, baby." She laughs softly, using both hands to keep him steady as he steps off the ladder and onto the rooftop. "You are so fucked up."
"You left me." He sounds like a child with his pout.
"I didn't leave you." She soothes with a gentle kiss. "You had like a hundred people cramped in that garage bay watching you. Happy was smothered."
Meaning she was smothered, he understood without her saying. "You should have told me. I would have made them get the fuck out of your way."
"It's okay." She smiles softly. "I had a good visual up here actually. Can I look? I'll be gentle."
He moves his shoulder towards her in permission. Goosebumps trial his skin where her fingers lightly brush on the way to his back. She takes the tape and padding off excruciatingly slow and her sharp intake of breath is one he recognizes, she's turned on. "Hot?" He asks.
"Hell yes." Tara groans without preamble. "One or two more sessions?"
"Probably two." He stumbles slightly on his feet. "Hey! There is our blanket!" Suddenly, he realizes it is February and he's shirtless, even in California that makes him cold. "I'm going to start a fire in the pit. You're gonna get naked." He tells her as she secures the bandages back in place.
"We can't do it." She laughs as she watches him gather the lighter fluid and mess with the sticks in the pit. He glares at her when the words must sink into his brain past the Jack Daniel's fog. "What? Your back, babe." Did he forget that he just had a big ass, painful back piece done not too long ago? Surely even intoxicated, he could feel that?
"I'll take that pain." He has a smirk of triumph when the fire comes to life and then stands and gives her a look that makes her stomach clench in anticipation. "Over blue balls any day."
She laughs as she walks over to him and wraps her arms around his neck, mindful of his back even if he wasn't. "Like you even remember blue balls."
It was true, she never denied him and she had a sex drive to rival his own. Only a pussy would admit that though, "I might remember back when it took you months to give it up."
"Whatever." She grins at his teasing. "How was it, baby? Was your patch in party everything you expected?" Her shriek makes his pulse race as he picks her up and lays her on the blanket.
As usual, the kiss he gives her is meant to be chaste but only ignites the flame always burning between them. "It was better than I ever imagined because you were here."
"I love you." She pulls him down for another heated kiss. "Wait! You need to drink some water and take some Advil." She pushes him back so she can slide out from under him.
"Tara…" He groans. He loved that she was always taking care of him. He really did. But right now, he'd love it more if she was underneath him and he was inside of her.
She smiles and bites her lip as she hands him the Advil from her bag and a warm bottle of water. He takes the Advil with a small sip of water. To get him moving she goes back to the position she was in moments ago and slowly removes her shirt. It works as he presses her down and goes for her neck but she pushes the water bottle back to his mouth, "Finish it." She smiles as he quickly downs the liquid. "You'll thank me later."
"I'm about to thank you right now." He tosses the bottle off to the side and works his mouth along her neck.
Hours later, Jax groans as he hears the sounds of bikes and people. Fuck! Did he get his ass kicked last night or what? He squints in the morning sunlight as he tries to feel for Tara, she was never far from him. He was on his stomach, which was unusual for him, but his back hurt like a bitch. Suddenly he remembers his kickass patch-in party last night. That explains his the pain in his back. A few weeks ago Opie and Kyle were patched in. They decided to wait for Jax to get his patch and then the three of them would get huge reaper tattoos on their back with the Sons of Anarchy California. The outline alone killed him, he was cringing already thinking about getting that shit filled in. He sits up and reaches for his boxers and jeans, not thinking the crowd below or Tara would be interested in him showing his junk.
The loud claps and hollers do nothing but agitate the small headache he has coming on as he enters the bar where everyone is sitting. Tara is there instantly reading his expression, "What's wrong?" She whispers in his ear.
"I'm fucked." He admits in a panic. "I can't remember where I put my kutte." He just got his member patch last night. It still needed to be sewn on and it was against the rules to walk into the clubhouse without your kutte. There was no doubt in his mind that the, "I was so wasted I lost my kutte and walked into my own breakfast without it excuse", would not fly.
"Relax." She kisses his cheek and whispers, "Your mom took it home to sew." She hands him a glass of orange juice. "Drink this and here is some Tylenol."
"No Advil?" He takes the Tylenol and prepares himself for the guys headed his way.
"You just had some less than six hours ago." She smiles. "I'm gonna grab us some food. Find us some seats." He couldn't help but smile at his girl as she walked away.
"Damn, don't you see enough of that ass?" Kyle's voice broke through his thoughts.
Jax was not thinking about her ass for once actually, this time he was thinking about how great of a nurse she'd make someday. "Don't ever mention Tara's ass again." He glares warningly at Kyle. They had long ago settled their beef and Kyle had promised to sell his pot to Jax or Opie and leave Tara out of it. That didn't stop Jax from believing Kyle wanted Tara and issuing a warning to any guy stupid enough to make such a comment. It was several minutes later when Jax was over the customary handshakes and pats on the back. As usual, his eyes started scanning the area for Tara.
It wasn't hard to find her. She was a diamond in the rough amongst this crowd, any crowd really. Standing next to an empty table, she was talking to Bobby's old lady, Precious. It did something to him, seeing Tara with a baby in her arms. He couldn't describe it but it made him pause on the way to her and just take the sight in. She moved softly as though she was instinctively soothing the infant and talking to Precious at the same time. Jax mentally swore when Gemma stepped in front of him obstructing his vision and his intent to join Tara. "It's ready, baby…your kutte."
"Ah, thanks Ma!" He gives a small smile as she holds it open for him to step into. "But I gotta grab a shirt." He did not want the heavy leather against his tattoo at the moment.
"I have one here for you baby." Tara's voice floats over as she brings the baby along with her. "Gemma? Didn't you want to hold him?"
"Uh…yes." Gemma hands Jax his kutte and takes the baby from Tara. "So this is Bobby Jr."
"Tiki." Tara answers, biting back a grin.
"Excuse me?" Gemma's eyebrows raise.
"What?" Jax laughs.
"They are calling him Tiki." She replies burying her grin in Jax's shoulder. "Family thing."
"If you say so." No way in hell would he and Tara ever have weird ass nicknames for their kids.
"Not me. Bobby and Precious say so." She hands him a blue SAMCRO tee. "Save the white in case you bleed."
"You gotta help me with my kutte." He hands her the heavy leather with a grin at Gemma's sharp intake of breath.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
4 weeks later
Tossing and turning was somehow always the position she found herself in when she was in bed alone in the middle of the night. Try as she might, she just couldn't get used to sleeping without Jackson Teller, even though his late and absent nights were increasing. It felt like she had finally fallen into a deep sleep when she was suddenly jarred awake. Sitting up, she turns the light beside the bed on and gasps when she sees Jax in the chair, watching her. "You scared me."
"Go back to sleep babe." His voice was off, thick with a tone she has never heard in their three years together.
"What's wrong?" She's hesitant.
"Nothing." He won't meet her eyes because his gaze is glued to the floor suddenly. "I just got home."
She looks and sees that might be true because his sneakers were still on but for some reason she gets the impression he's lying. "It's late, come to bed."
"I will in a bit." He finally looks at her again. "I'm not really tired."
That is definitely a lie. She can read the tiredness and something else in his eyes. Getting out of bed, pushing her apprehension aside she kneels in front of him and realizes he's shaking. "Hey, baby." She squeezes his hand with hers while grabbing his cheek with her left hand. "What's wrong? Talk to me."
"Go back to bed, Tara." He cringes as she immediately pulls back at his harsh tone. "Shit! Babe…I…I'm sorry…I…"
"No, no…..it's okay." She gives him a false ass smile that further makes him feel like a piece of shit. "You're shaking." But she's no longer touching him. "Are you cold? Are you getting sick?" She feels for a fever but removes her hand quickly. Noticing the blood on the collar of his white tee she asks, "Oh my God Jax, are you hurt?"
The alarm, the tenderness, the concern in her voice is all enough to bring him to his knees. He doesn't deserve her. She's striping the kutte off before he can even answer. But really what would he say? She's bound to realize any second that it isn't his blood. "Come on baby, let's get you in the shower." Her tone tells him she made the realization. But she doesn't stop taking care of him. Before he knows it, she is pulling him up by the hand. "The shower will help with the shaking. You'll feel better." Her movements in the small bathroom are quick and efficient as she helps him out of his clothes, more nurturing than passionate.
As she picks up his clothes and turns for the door, he panics, would she be there when he was finished? Did she see through him? Did she know what horrible act of violence he just committed? "Get in with me?"
"Yea, sure." She tries for a grin but the fear and worry gripping her heart make it a grimace. She tosses his clothes into the laundry basket she keeps in the corner of their room. While he gets in the shower, she takes a deep breath before undressing to join him. The hot water runs over both of them as it becomes increasingly obvious to her that he has no intention of moving, not to look at her or wash himself. "Turn around babe." She begins to lather up his back as he grips the tile, facing away from her.
He felt like criminal, shit he was a criminal. He pulled the trigger on his glock to save a brother's life. That had to mean something, right? That Mexican prick would have killed Chibs had Jax not pulled his own trigger. JT had taken him out to the reservation for his twelfth birthday and let him shoot a gun for the first time. His hand shook from nerves and he only shot it twice before giving it back to his dad and asking for pizza on the way home. Tonight? Tonight his hand didn't shake. He pulled his glock, then the trigger and never hesitated. What kind of man didn't hesitate before shooting a fellow man? Surely, not one who deserved the beautiful woman in front of him. He couldn't look at her. She would see the truth. She saw all his truths. His brothers were right when they told him to stay at the bar and have a few drinks. Why didn't he listen to them? The answer was simple. He needed Tara. Tara could heal him. He would never let her find out what he did. That way, she would never stop loving him. He's brought out of his own head at her voice.
"Turn around again." She drops the washcloth and grips his face when he finally turns her way. Racking her brain, she tries to remember a time when they ever took a shower together and he didn't try anything sexual with her. She comes up empty, another testament to how upset he is. "I…I…don't know what happened tonight."
She's left speechless at the fear in his eyes when he forces himself to look at her. "Tara…I…I can't."
"You don't have to." She soothes, playing in his beard. She can't bring her mouth to utter the words floating between her brain and heart. All too afraid that she might be correct or maybe she is wrong and he would be destroyed to know what's she thinking he may have done. "I…I don't care what happened…..or what you did." She assures him. "I love you Jackson."
At those words a tear escapes. She knows. She fucking knows. Yet, she's looking at him with so much goddamn love in those hazel eyes. Love he doesn't deserve. He opens his mouth for something. He isn't sure what. To assure her? To thank her? To confess?
"Stop, baby." She soothes. "I love you and all that matters to me…is that you came home to me. That you are okay and here with me right now." The water is running lukewarm now and she reaches around him to turn it off. "Come on, let's get out of here."
Minutes later and he is curled on his side of the bed, away from her, another first. After brushing her hair, she comes in behind him and holds him, still unsure what to say. He breaks the silence after kissing her hand, "You must be really worried about me to sleep naked." He teases.
She giggles softly, "Body heat is the best way to stay warm."
He rolls over and resumes their usual position, running his fingertips along her perfect skin. "Why haven't you opened any of those letters on the dresser?" It's the first time he's acknowledged the mail her father dropped off weeks ago.
"None of them are from the financial aid place or the CNA program." She explains. Where they really doing this? Talking about something that had nothing to do with what happened to him tonight?
"Financial aid or not." He drops a kiss to her head. "You're getting into that program, babe."
"I know." She grins up at him. "But the aid would help more so I could save up for nursing school after I finish the CNA requirements." She and Jax had to get out of the clubhouse. She knew the guys weren't okay with her being here ALL the time. After graduation, she could think about getting a part-time job in a field more related to her desired career.
"My girl, always planning ahead." He reaches across the nightstand to turn the light off. "You'll turn that nursing degree into a PhD, I just know it."
She doesn't have the heart to tell him that won't happen. Med school takes too long and cost too much. As she plays with his facial hair and he finally falls asleep, she is unable to drift off, too worried about him (and whatever happened tonight) and their future.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
April 15, 1997
Jesus Christ, he didn't understand how his dad did this shit so much. Better yet, he didn't know how his dad went to Belfast for so long or did years on the inside without going crazy. This three day run to Tacoma was killing him. If he didn't get home and see Tara, he wasn't responsible for what would happen. Jax was crawling out of his skin. He needed a room with a phone and this bottle of Jack that was already in his hands.
"You look like shit." Happy tells him after a hug and a slap to the back.
"I'm tired as fuck." Jax says after a shot of the Jack goes down.
"Crash in my room tonight, bro." Happy gives one of his rare, yet sadistic smirks. "I have business to take care of."
Yeah, business, Jax bets he'll have another happy face tattoo by the morning. "Got a phone in there, by any chance?"
"Too much pussy here for me to ever worry about calling a chick." Clearly, not understanding why someone so young would want to tie themselves down, Happy mumbles. "Yea there is a phone. Don't be on it too long, running our long distance charges up and shit."
The yellow and black happy face on the door was a dead giveaway for which room was Happy's yet it still creeped Jax out. The happy face was the complete opposite of the lethal Tacoma Sargent at Arms. Locking the door and eying the phone, he can't contain his grin. No thoughts of eating his own gun will plague him tonight after hearing Tara's soft voice.
She answers on the third ring. "You should be waiting by the phone after my page." He tells her first thing.
"Hello to you too." The smile is evident in her voice. "And I love you too." Comes her response in reference to his page a few minutes earlier.
He bought her the pager a few weeks ago. It was a routine they had worked out after he tried calling their phone from a run and she wasn't there. At the time he was pissed, pissed that she wasn't sitting around waiting for his call. Luckily, he checked his attitude on the ride home before confronting her. He had no doubt she would have thrown something heavy at his head for his chauvinistic attitude. "Miss me too?"
"Always." She smiles, putting her bookmark in the World History textbook she was studying. She hated when he went on runs. Before he came into her life, she was completely fine by herself, content to read or smoke. But now? Now she just felt out of place. No need to kid herself, it had a lot to do with location as well as his absence. The clubhouse was not really a place for her to be without him here. Sure everyone was respectful but she wasn't really wanted around here as a roommate. "I thought you would be home by now?"
"Me too." He groans. God, she sounds so good. Her voice soothes his soul but stirs a longing in other parts of him. "Tomorrow, I promise. Blow off work and spend the afternoon with me?"
"Well, I have connections with my boss…" The teasing tone only serves to make him harder, "so I think that can be arranged."
"What kind of connections?" He's unzipping his pants before the words are out.
"I'm sleeping with her son." Her teasing has taken on a sultry undertone.
"Talk to me, Tara." He pleads.
"I am." She recognizes the thickness in her voice immediately. "Wait? What are you doing?"
"What do you think I'm doing?" The thickness now has a hint of a smile.
"OhmygodJax! Stop!" Not knowing whether to be appalled or turned on, she continues, "Where are you?"
"In a bed." He teases, his rough hand going up and down his hard length. "Alone and wishing you were here."
"You better be alone." The possessive warning in her voice only turns him on more. Goddamn, he loves her so much. "And stop that. You don't get to bust a nut without me." If she wasn't so serious right now, she'd laugh at the use of a term the guys around here use. She surely didn't make a habit out of talking like that.
"Touch yourself." He instructs, the visual alone nearly taking him over the edge.
"I…I can't." Both hesitancy and curiosity are present in her voice. "Besides…that's your job!"
"What's my job?" He grins, so freaking close to the finish line.
"You know," The soft, sultry whispers as though she thinks someone may hear her, "making me come."
And with that he's releasing himself into his own hand. "Tara!"
"I can't believe you did that!" She admonishes, not sure what to do with the fact that he's effectively made her hot and bothered now. "Wait! Where are you for real?"
"At the Tacoma clubhouse." His voice has a hint of sleepiness in it. "Happy's room."
"Ew, Jackson Teller that is disgusting." He can just imagine the look on her face. "God, the things he's probably done on that bed." Ugh, men were so gross.
His laugh fills her heart. "Now he can imagine the things I've done on his bed." Happy wouldn't even give a shit. But he thought it was cute how Tara did. Jax is soon lulled to sleep by Tara's soft voice and thoughts of how he'd get her to touch herself when he made it home.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
April 22, 1997
"Get down on the floor now!" Tara was completely unprepared for what was happening. Was this part of a weird, crazy, I drank too much the night before dream? Sitting up abruptly left her head spinning but her face to face view down the barrel of some sort of weapon, literally made her nearly pee the bed.
"JAX!" She screamed as an officer ripped her from the bed and tossed her face down on the floor.
"TARA!" He shouted in reply, judging from the sound of his voice, she thought he was already face down on the opposite side of the bed.
"Don't move!" Came the shouts of a woman followed by a strong shoe to her lower back to hold her in place.
"I can't move!" She shouts in reply as the sounds of what she now knows are some type of law officials ransacking their stuff fills the room.
"Tara, don't say anything." Jax pleads. "Just let her go. Whatever this is, has nothing to do with her."
"No, she doesn't really look like the type to smuggle illegal weapons." A firm male voice states. "Take him in, let her go, we got nothing in here."
"JAX!" Finally free to get up, she yells for him as he is being hauled from the room in nothing but his boxers. She'll never forget the way he looks at her in that moment. To anyone else, he may have appeared cocky but she saw through that and to the fear. He was frightened. Tara quickly looks around the trashed room in search for a pair of pants for herself and Jax, finally processing that he was being arrested. She throws on a pair of jeans and runs from the room and into the bar. When she gets there she sees Chibs' being handcuffed as well. The officer is nice enough to uncuff Jax long enough to slip the clothes Tara has carried for him on. "Baby, what's going on?"
"Everything is fine Tara." He can hear the fear in her voice but is smart enough to not let it melt him. These ATF pricks would get off on that. The one thing you can never do is show them a soft spot. "Pull it together."
His icy tone didn't match the tender look in his eyes but the words still cut her to the bone. Pull it together? He wants her to pull it together? Someone just came into their room, spouting shit about illegal weapons, and are taking him from her and he expects her to pull it together?
"Come on, baby." Gemma wraps her arms soothingly around Tara's shoulders. "Go get your things. You can come home with Clay and I tonight."
She's watching the agents load Jax and Chibs into the back of an ATF vehicle so it takes a minute to recognize Gemma's voice let alone understand her words. "Why? He'll be home in the morning, right?"
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
One week later
Christ, she was a sight for sore eyes. More than anything he wanted to run to her and just feel her heartbeat close to his. The guards were just waiting for that though. Plus, the uncertainty in her expression has chills running down his back. "Hey." She greets him with a grimace that was no doubt intended to be a grin.
"Hey babe." Jax grins and greets her with a hug. He can feel her sigh of relief as she relaxes a bit into his embrace. "You ok?" He asks as he pulls back and holds her face so he can look into her troubled eyes.
"Yea." She lies. "I'm fine. Don't worry about me." She would never tell him how alone, how lost she was without him. Gemma said to put on a happy face and keep everything light. Jax didn't need to take on any outside shit right now. Logically, that made sense to Tara but she had come to depend on Jax for so many things in the last few years that not having him was killing her. She felt empty. "I'm worried about you. Are you okay in here?" She whispers as her eyes fill with tears. This was so different than anything she was used to from the local lockup. Yes, that was a procedure she was familiar with being arrested a few times herself, with Jax of course. Stockton didn't play with the legal system or facility apparently.
"Babe, I'm fine." He smirks again but his eyes are empty as he sits on one side of the bench.
"Mr. Rosen says you can be in here for a really long time, Jax." The anxiety is coming off of her in waves.
"It's his job to say the worst case scenario shit." He takes a deep breath, getting easily annoyed, not with her but the situation in general. "How's school?" A change in subject was what they needed.
"Fine." Tara shrugs. "Work is fine too."
"Tara…" He pleads.
"I better get going." She sniffles, turning so he can't see the tears.
"You just got here!" The disbelief is present in his fierce whisper.
"Your mom is in the waiting room." She won't meet his gaze. "She'll shit if I take up too much time with you." They were only allowed an hour visit for once a week for one visitor at a time.
"You're still staying with her, right?" He's desperate to get her to talk to him. About anything, well anything that doesn't include the crappy situation he's in.
"Yea." She runs her hand through her hair. "And that's fine too."
"Yea, everything is fine." Anger finally wins out. "I got it."
"What do you want from me, Jax?" Finally darkened jade orbs meet his blue ones.
He releases a pained breath. "I don't want to fight with you Tara." They hardly ever fought.
"Me either." She sighs. "I hate this shit."
"Me too babe." He pulls her hands to the middle of the table and squeezes them. "Everything is going to work out." His promise falls on deaf ears.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
One week later
She knew she should be thrilled. Any other kid with a dead mom and a drunk daddy would be thrilled after reading the letter in her hands. And the logical part of Tara knew that the full ride scholarship letter was a very big deal. It meant a career, not really an opportunity for most kids like herself. However, her heart knew it also meant leaving Charming. And leaving Charming meant leaving Jax, because if there was one thing Jackson Teller loved more than her it was SAMCRO. He'd never be able to leave his father's legacy, not even for her. That thought has her heartbreaking and tears streaming down her face.
Quickly, she pulls herself together, hides the letter in one of Jax's drawers and races out of their room. "Hey Gemma," She greets, stepping into the TM office, "I'm not feeling too well today. Think I'll lie down for a bit."
"Aww, I'm sorry baby." Gemma pulls out a cigarette. "Want me to wake you when it's time to head up to Stockton?"
"Nah, if I'm still asleep, let me sleep." She smirks. "Don't want to infect him with my germs in that place."
"True that, but I doubt he'll appreciate the sentiment." The matriarch watches Tara closely, knowing something is going on. It was nearly impossible to ever get a read on her though. "Hey Tara!"
The young girl turns around, "Yeah?"
"I know this shit is rough." Gemma walks across the lot to pull Tara into an embrace. "But you are handling it like a trooper."
Like a trooper? Really? She felt so empty, so hallow inside. "Thanks, Gemma."
A few days later, sitting in their room at the clubhouse she is shocked to hear the phone ring. "Hello?" She notes the dusk settling in through the small window.
"I thought you were staying at my mom's!" Tara takes note of his harsh tone and takes a deep breath. Did she have any idea how hard one phone call was around here? Let alone, calling a number and the person you wanted to talk to wasn't there?
"I was." She sighs. "But I can't stay there forever Jax." At his silence she continues, "I can't stay here forever either."
"What are you talking about?" Anger rises full force in his chest. "Did someone say something to you?" That someone was going to feel his rage.
"What?" A small laugh escapes her before she knows what to do. "No, baby, no one said anything to me."
"Then what's the problem?" He demands.
"I can't stay here without you, Jackson." Christ, what didn't he understand?
"Then stay at my mom's." The solution seemed simple to him. He understood why she might not feel comfortable in a biker bar without him. Gemma's house seemed legit though.
"I can't keep staying there either, Jax." She closes her eyes. "But let's not argue. How are you?"
"How are you? Feeling better?" Christ, he missed her something fierce when Gemma walked into visitation instead of her. Something felt off about her not feeling well story but what was he going to say or do about it from the inside?
"I…I got a letter." The words just tumble out before she can stop them and she instantly regrets them. "Nevermind, it's not important."
"What letter?" He's interrupted by the three minute warning telling them his phone call is about to end. "Tara, talk to me."
"It's from financial aid." She struggles for normalcy in her voice, praying he can't hear the tears. "Like I said, it's not important."
"Is it enough for the nursing program? Tara, that's great news, babe." She didn't know how to tell him it was for so much more than the nursing program, that is was enough to cover medical school.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
"Still no word on when you are getting out of here?" Tara asks Jax a few days later when she finds herself in the Stockton visitor's room again.
"Not much." He shrugs. "All depends on next week's hearing, I guess. Rosen thinks there is enough to get the case thrown out."
"Smuggling illegal weapons?" She whispers, gripping his hands tighter. "Jax, that sounds serious."
"Babe," He kisses her hand softly. "Stop worrying, please. Tell me more about the financial aid."
Here it goes, "Well, I got approved."
"Of course you did." He smirks. "You're wicked smart." He squeezes her hand, not able to get enough of her. Thirty minutes a week is not enough. In fact, he doesn't give a shit about what his mom says, he's taking his full hour with Tara. "Is it enough for the nursing program? Or do you have to start with the CNA gig?"
Nerves get the best of her as she swallows hard. "It's more than enough, more like a full ride scholarship really. It will actually cover med school." This is not how she wanted to discuss this.
"WHAT?!" His grin lights up his whole face. God, how she's missed that smile. Her heart aches at how happy he is just for her. He gets up from his side of the table and picks her up before she knows what is happening, spinning her around in delight. "That's the best news ever!"
"TELLER!" The guards warn, ruining their moment of bliss. Tara's spine stiffens automatically.
"Sorry!" Jax puts her down immediately and returns to his side of the table. "I'm sorry babe." He whispers in shame. What he wouldn't give to be able to touch her the way he wanted. "I know things suck with me in here but you shouldn't let it drag you down. This financial aid, scholarship is fucking awesome babe. It's everything you ever wanted."
"Not everything." She frowns. His confusion is apparent in his expression. Forget not talking about stressful shit, she has no idea when he is even getting out of this hellhole. And she desperately needs to tell him all the shit spinning in her head. He's the only person she can talk to. "Jax, the closest medical school is in San Diego."
"San Diego?" The panic is clear on his face. "Tara, that's hours and hours away."
"I know baby." She sighs. "But it's the closest one that the scholarship covers. How…how would you feel about coming with me?"
"To San Diego? I…I don't know." It feels as though his heart is being put through a meat grinder.
"It…it's okay, baby." She gives him that lame ass fake smile that does not reach her eyes. "We don't have to decide anything right now. Maybe I won't even go."
Clearly, he didn't know shit. But the one thing Jax knew was that Tara couldn't walk away from this opportunity. No one deserved this chance more than her.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
"What are you doing?" Tara demands from the doorway of the room she shares with Jax at the clubhouse. She just needed to change from her school clothes to the clothes she wore to clean the clubhouse. She was unprepared to stumble on Gemma riffling through the dresser drawers.
"You little bitch!" Gemma seethes. "I knew you were hiding something!"
"Hiding something?" The teen braces for the venom she hears in Jax's mothers' voice. "Gemma, what are you talking about?"
"Jax has been asking questions." Gemma throws Tara's mail at her and she watches as it all hits the floor. "Asking Clay what he thought about the San Gabriel and San Bernardino charter, maybe transferring for a while."
Ah, shit. Why would he do that? How the hell was he even talking to Clay from the inside? "Gemma, listen….." Even thought she was pissed, Gemma's words sparked hope in Tara's heart. Jax wanted to leave with her.
"No you listen…" Gemma pulls up her sleeves and steps threateningly towards Tara. "I'm not gonna have some pussy distract my son from his path, trying to pull him away from his family. This is his father's legacy for Christ sake."
"JT wanted this for Jax?! He's been in prison for almost a month Gemma." Tara shouts. "He doesn't belong there."
"That comes with the territory. JT knew that and so does Jackson." Gemma is close enough to whisper menacingly. "Jax will not leave SAMCRO and he will not leave Charming."
Tara watches the older woman cross the threshold out into the hallway. Suddenly all the anger she's been holding back since that night Jax came home late and destroyed from whatever the hell he did for SAMCRO came rushing to the surface. "Did you ever stop to think that Jax doesn't want this incestuous, backwards, small minded town that you and SAMCRO have thrust on him?"
"Jax knows his tribe." The matriarch warns. "Try to pull him away and you'll be sorry."
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
May 26, 1997
Freedom never felt so good. Jax was certain the only thing better would be Tara in his arms. He smiles at the cheers from the courtyard and immediately scans the sparse crowd for his favorite person. Where was she? It was too late for her to still be in school. So even though she didn't know he was released a bit ago, she should be here for work. He quickly pushes past the people and heads into the bar. "Looking for Tara?" Piney embraces him and pats him on the back.
"Yea." Jax grins, embracing Opie next.
"Not here, bro." He shrugs. "Hasn't been here for a few days in fact."
"Why not?" He's obviously perplexed. "She staying at my mom's?"
"No, she's not there either." Opie replies. "Not sure what happened. But she's been in school. Donna has mentioned it."
Jax ignored the chants from his brother's calling his name and heads outside to find his mother. "Where's Tara?" He demands.
"Not even a "Hi Mom?" She embraces him. "I've missed you."
"Yeah, you too." He answers distractedly. "Where's Tara?"
"Haven't seen her in a few days." She takes a drag from her cigarette. "Come in and have some food, enjoy your family for a bit. Then go find her."
Something was off, he could feel it. "I'll be back after I find her." He wanted to stay and question his mom but he didn't have time for her manipulations right now. He had a sickening feeling that Tara was staying at her dad's and there was no way that shit was flying with him. Riding off on his bike, he takes off in that direction.
Entering her street, he easily spots the Cutlass and is pleasantly surprised to find Tara on the step outside. The closer he gets to the house, the bigger her smile is, as she stands and walks to meet him at the end of the drive. "You're out?! I heard your bike." The excitement makes her giddy as he cuts the engine. She's in his arms before he can even attempt to get off the bike. "I'm so glad, baby."
"I missed you so much, babe." He inhales, breathing in the scent that is so uniquely her. "What the hell are you doing here? Why are you staying here?"
"Long story." She smiles. "But it's okay, I'm pretty sure my dad doesn't even know I'm here."
"Go get your shit." He tells her. "I'm out, we can go home."
"Jax…I…I don't think that's a good idea." She takes a deep breath as his pager goes off. He fumbles with the pocket of his kutte, not sure how his pager even got in there.
"Church." He sighs, "Shit! Sit tight, babe." He kisses her. "Get your stuff together, we'll go home and figure all this shit out." When she doesn't answer, "Tara?"
"Yea, I guess." She takes a deep breath and kisses him. "We'll figure it out when you're finished Church."
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Jax was going insane. It had been twenty four hours since he kissed Tara with plans to meet her shortly in her father's driveway. He went back immediately after Church only for her father to tell him, she was gone. Apparently, he did in fact figure out Tara was crashing there and kicked her out. What kind of piece of shit did that to his only daughter? And more importantly, why didn't Tara come to him? Where else could she possibly go? He tried everywhere he could think of and kept coming up empty. He blew up her pager, only to discover she left it in their room. As much as he hated to admit it, he was desperate enough to track down Hale.
"You coming?" Opie asks, after knocking and opening the door.
"Where?" Jax asks, throwing on a tee shirt. Was Opie going to help him find Tara?
"Graduation." Opie gives Jax a confused look. "Where do you think?"
"Shit, graduation is today?" How the fuck did he miss that? Thanks to being on the inside and being so twisted up over all the shit going on, he definitely forgot. One thing he knew for certain was that Tara wouldn't miss that for the world. "Hell yes, I'm coming!"
It was hot as hell and he had to endure a horrendous speech from Hale, the valedictorian, but it was all worth it the minute the principal said "Tara Knowles." Jax and Opie were both yelling and Jax was rewarded with one of the most radiant smiles he had ever seen from his girl.
"You came?!" The excitement is rolling off of her in waves. "I didn't even mention it because I didn't think you were going to be out." She's hugging him tightly.
He doesn't want to let her go. "Of course I am here. There's nowhere else I'd rather be." He grins and whispers, "Except in bed with you."
She pulls back from his embrace and the desire is transparent in her eyes, "Let's get out of here."
"Ok." He smiles that smile that is solely reserved for her. "Anywhere you want, babe." He was blowing off club and TM responsibilities but he didn't care. He needs to be with Tara and to bridge the distance the time inside did to them.
"Let me go get a change of clothes out of my locker." She motions to her dress, knowing she can't ride in it.
"You look beautiful." He tugs her by the hand. "Let me help you to your locker." He has her tucked under his arm, like so many times before. "Hey, I know for a fact your grades are better than Hale's. Why weren't you the one up there giving a boring speech?"
She laughs as the both know that isn't her style. "Hale is a more well rounded student than me." She leans up to kiss him. "And I am absolutely okay with that."
Jax follows her instructions to a motel in Lodi. "What's this?" He asks, cutting off the engine.
"I stayed here last night." She smiles nervously, pulling him by the hand to one of the rooms.
"You're old man told me he kicked you out." Jax presses her against the door. "Tara, I was worried. Why didn't you come to me?"
She looks down to the ground. "I can't stay there anymore, Jax. I…I just miss you." She's about to break down and she hates it. Finally she looks at him, "I got a deal on this room. It's mine for the weekend. Spend the night with me?" Jax swallows thickly. "Please?"
Her plea is his undoing. "Yea babe." His soft kiss turns hard the second her tongue touches his. This, this right here was what he couldn't do without. "Open this door Tara, or I'm taking you right here."
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Hours later, they had effectively worn each other out but still could not fall asleep. Sitting naked in bed, except for the sheet covering them they shared a pizza between them. "Best idea ever, babe." He smiles. He wasn't talking about just the food, but the room and the getaway in general.
"Figure it only fair to feed you so we can work it off again." She teases. He's missed that, the lightheartedness that she shared with only him.
"Sounds like an awesome plan." He agrees with a kiss. "You okay?" His blue eyes probe her. "After last night? Things with your old man?"
"Yea…I was stupid to think he'd never notice me being there." Tara didn't want to tell Jax that the only reason he was onto her was because he heard his motorcycle and saw her talking to him outside from his bedroom window. "Nothing happened." She assures him. "He was actually calm when he told me to get my shit and get out."
"I…Tara, why did you even go back there?" He forces himself to ask. She takes a deep breath in preparation to get out what he is sure will be a full arsenal of debate, he continues, "I know you weren't comfortable at the clubhouse without me. I get it, babe. But you could have crashed at my mom's?"
"I'm not comfortable there either, Jax." Damnit, she's going to cry. Working hard to push the lump down in her throat she continues, "I'm not Gemma's problem anyway. I went back to my dad's because besides you…his house is the only home I know."
Her words are like a kick to the chest. "Tara…" Shit, he doesn't know what to say.
"It's fine." She assures him. "Once we get out of this stupid town and we get on our feet, we won't need anyone." She pushes the almost empty box of pizza towards the end of the bed so she can straddle him. "All we need is us…right? We'll have a fresh start, be a real family?"
This was the part he always struggled with. Tara was used to having little to no family. Jax had grown up loving and bonded to not only his parents but his MC brothers as well. At his silence she continues, "I know I'll be busy with med school, but I'll work too. And you know I've been saving up, you won't have to carry both of us. I promise."
"We need to talk about San Diego." Finally his mouth connects with his brain.
"Okay," Her smile falters. "Have you…is this about San Gabriel or San Bernardino?"
"How do you…..what do you know about that?" Jax had asked Chibs about transferring when they were inside together but Clay had vetoed it outright officially yesterday. He would never mention it to Tara for that exact reason.
"Your mother mentioned it." Tara replies icily. "I know it isn't Redwood. But we can always come back when I'm finished school." She sighs, backing up off of him a bit. "I'll have a degree…."
"Clay vetoed it. Won't even bring it to the table for a vote." His jaw is set and he's not meeting her gaze at all.
"So what? Just like that you can't transfer?" She completely moves away from him. "Why? Because your mother says you can't leave?"
"Tara," He sighs, "This has nothing to do with my mother."
"Bullshit!" Tara stomps out of the bed and pulls a tee shirt from her duffle bag on the floor. "This has everything to do with her and sick attachment to you."
"No it doesn't!" He is unable to dispute the sick attachment insult as on some level he knows it is true. "Redwood is my legacy, Tara, my dad started it for me and Thomas. I've only been patched in for a few months."
"So?" She demands in confusion.
"Clay has a point when he says that I don't have enough experience to go Nomad or jump to another charter, yet." He wants to get up and join her, to hold her, and find a solution to this. Yet, he's too afraid to even move.
"So, what do we do?" She pleads, giving in to the tears. He finally gets up and comes to her, wiping the tears as they fall from her eyes. It was hard for her to imagine that any other charter wouldn't take on Jax with his father being John fucking Teller.
"Stay here for a while. I'll save some bank, get some experience." He kisses her forehead. "You can start the CNA or nursing program….."
"I want to be a doctor, Jax." The noise that escapes is something between a laugh and a wail. "I want to help heal people. I don't know…maybe a surgeon even."
"You were fine with the CNA and nursing program a month ago!" He shouts.
"That was before I knew med school was even an option!" She yells back. "That was before you were hauled off to prison for a month and I had a look at my life in this stupid town without you!"
"That comes with the territory Tara." He barely has time to duck the heavy glass ashtray that comes flying at his head. His words a direct repeat of Gemma's several days ago. "What the hell?"
"So I'm just supposed to be okay with staying here and having a job I don't want while you are chilling in a prison somewhere?" Her tears are dry now and anger has taken over. "I know, better yet…I'll stay on at TM and the bar forever and pop out a few babies for you. Then drag them off to visit you once a week." She was purposely throwing that in his face, as he has told her about visiting his old man on the inside.
"That's not fair!" He yells back. "So what do you want? Me to just leave SAMCRO? Leave my family to follow you to San Diego and do what exactly?"
"Be a mechanic!" She looks at him like it's the most obvious thing in the world. "Or don't be. Find something else you enjoy doing but be happy. You love SAMCRO, Jax, I know you do…but it isn't everything you imagined it would be. I know you, baby, I see how it has changed you…."
She's hitting too close to home for him. "You don't know shit." Finally he's reaching for his clothes and throwing them on. "This is about loyalty." He's reaching for his keys. "My loyalty to my dad and your loyalty to me."
"Where are you going?" She asks softly as he heads to the door.
"Don't know." He admits. "But I can't stay here and fight about this."
"You're leaving?" The tears are coming back again. "You're leaving me, right now, seriously?" But the last of her words are met with the slamming of the door. He's always accusing her of running so she's honestly surprised by his actions.
It's one o'clock in the morning when she's awakened by the sound of Jax's fist on the motel door. "Tara, open up!"
She lifts her head and it throbs. "No, go away!" She yells, nowhere near his pitch though.
"Don't be like that, please Tara." Christ, he was drunk. He pounds on the door harder, "I'll break the goddamn door down. I swear!"
The sounds of another tenant yelling forces her to get up and swing open the door. "Get the hell in here before you get me kicked out!" She whispers, practically pulling him in by his arm in his inebriated state. "You rode like this?"
"I missed you." He practically whines.
The pain and devastation evident in his eyes, melts her heart. "I missed you too." She locks the door and motions to the bed. "Come on, get in bed and sleep it off."
He nods his head left to right sadly as he walks over to her and grips her hair with his right hand and her cheek with his left, "You're going to San Diego with or without me, aren't you?"
"Is that your way of saying you're not coming with me?" She sobs into his chest. She hasn't made any decisions either way but it sounds like an impossible choice.
"Tara….." He whispers, tears coming from his own eyes as well.
"I love you, Jackson, so much." She sobs, sniffling, she attempts to pull herself together. "Come on, let's get some sleep. I missed you holding me." Oh, did she. It was a torturous month without him. She had no idea how she would survive without him.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
One month later
"You don't have to keep doing this, you know." Jax sighs in frustration from the bathroom doorway as he watches Tara brush her teeth. He was able to convince her to come back and stay with him at the clubhouse but she always leaves when he does, whether it is convenient for her schedule or not.
"It's no problem." She smiles after rinsing her mouth out. "Lumpy's is becoming my favorite hangout." She tries to joke.
"I bet." His words hold contempt.
"What's that mean?" She buttons her dress pants that were required for the reception job she scored at the general practice office in town. Basically, she answered phones and filed but it was something to give her money and keep her busy while Jax worked…or did whatever the hell he does for SAMCRO.
"Hale spends a lot of time at Lumpy's." His words hold malice.
"You can't be serious!" Tara buttons up her white, quarter sleeve shirt over a gray tank top. "He's a friend. He's been my friend for a long time."
Jax knew he was being an asshole. He knew there was nothing going on between Tara and Hale. But he also knew that Hale, if given the chance, would absolutely go to San Diego with Tara, unlike himself. "Has someone here bothered you when I'm not here?" He decides to get back to the original subject.
Just your mother, she thinks to herself. "No, baby." No one had said anything to her directly, but Tara knew they all hated her. Their looks of contempt were obvious, as though her leaving was saying she thought she was better than them, which wasn't true. What was so wrong with wanting something this town couldn't provide? "What's your schedule like?" She also chooses to change the subject, this was becoming a common coping skill between them.
"A run to Oakland and then shop shit." He kisses her. "I'll drop you off at Lumpy's."
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
6 weeks later/ August 1997
Jax wanted to scream. The tension between Donna and Tara was palpable. When the hell did this happen and how did he miss it? The four were sitting at the table in the clubhouse bar. Appetizers between them and beers growing warm when the very last person Jax wanted to see came strolling in his bar. "What's he doing here?"
Tara turns her head in the direction Jax is looking and sees her father. "I'll get rid of him." She promises, walking away from the table and pulling her dad outside.
"What the fuck is going on between you and Tara?" Jax demands of Donna.
"Look, bro…." Opie begins.
"I didn't ask you." Jax cuts him off.
"I don't give a shit." Opie counters. "You've been a dick since Tara decided to leave. This isn't our fault and you aren't taking it out on Donna. So shut the fuck up."
"I'm not taking shit out on Donna." Jax stands and practically pushes his chair to the table. "I asked a simple question."
"Well ask your girlfriend." Donna finally answers. "If that is still what you're calling her."
One look at Jax let's Opie know that he's about to lose it. "Calm down, bro. We're leaving." He leads Donna to her feet by her elbow. They walk past Tara on their way out and her way in and Jax notices an icy exchange amongst them. "What did he want?" Jax demands when she gets back to the table. Tara was leaving and one day soon, Jax was going to make sure her old man felt the pain he inflicted on her.
"Nothing important." She shrugs. "Sorry your night got ruined." She picks up the beers to throw them out. No one wanted warm beers. "I'll crash here if you want to go find them and hang out."
"I don't want to hang out with them." He shrugs. "I'll grab us a bottle and we'll go crash together?" He smiles, choosing to let the shit go and enjoy what little time he still has with Tara.
"Meet you in there." She agrees, stepping up to give him a kiss.
Jax comes down the hall and can make out Tara's soft voice and smiles. She sounds hesitant and unsure and he wonders who she is talking to as he enters. She smiles up at him and it eases the constant pressure around his heart lately.
"I don't want to disrupt anyone or anything." She says into the phone, her dad had given her a phone number. "I've saved up some money. I could pay you rent, nearly what I would pay for a dorm or a place off campus." The pressure was back. It always came back when he heard mention of UCSD or anything related. She must have been able to tell because she gave him a sad smile. "Are you sure Aunt Lois? I really don't want to be an inconvenience. I'll hardly even be there between school and work." She laughs uncomfortably. Jax wonders if Aunt Lois knows that is Tara's uncomfortable laugh. Does she know anything about Tara? He's been with her for three years and never met this Aunt Lois. "Two weeks, I haven't bought my bus ticket yet but I was thinking of getting there a week before school starts?" Two fucking weeks is all he has left with her. These last few months have been awful but he wouldn't give them up. The fighting and crying was better than not having her at all. And is he only had two weeks with her, he was determined to make the most of it. He must have been lost in thought because suddenly Tara was off the phone and her arms were wrapped around him. "You okay?" She whispers.
He nods, not needing the words to lie to her. "So Aunt Lois lives in San Diego?"
"She's not really an aunt." She starts undressing as she talks. "Remember my dad's cousin who sends me a card for birthdays and holidays? With twenty bucks in it?" She waits for him to nod in remembrance. "That's her. She's just old enough to be an aunt so I call her aunt."
"This is going to be your last full weekend here." The pressure in his chest is too much to take. "Let's go away."
"Where?" The joy lights up her face.
"Vegas. Walnut Grove. Anywhere you want, babe." He kisses her hungrily, "Say yes, Tara."
"Yes, Tara." She giggles when he pushes her to the bed.
"Smartass." He grins, before kissing her neck.
"Why don't you stop talking?" She whispers throatily. "And show me what we'll do on this weekend away." He does show her. More than once.
"Why did you get this Tara?" Hours later and he's on his side, running his fingers along her crow and teasing her spine with feather light fingertips. "I thought it meant forever."
She looks at him and he can see the tears pool at the bottom of her beautiful greens eyes that were now darkening in sadness. "I thought it meant you would always choose me."
"Tara." With her words he can literally feel his heartbreak, cracking in pieces all at once. For the first time, he sees this situation through her eyes. She probably felt like he was just another person in her fucked up life who didn't love her enough. Knowing her, she probably thought she wasn't enough. Fuck! "I….I want you. I…."
"It does mean forever. I'll love you forever." She promises. Tears escaping before she can stop them, she asks "Do I make you happy?"
"Yes." He answers honestly. "You make me so happy. You're a part of me, Tara." She was everything to him and he was scared shitless that he would never feel whole again with her gone.
"Then don't you think that I can make you happy in San Diego?" She sniffles, rolling over and sitting up. "I promise, I'll never be too busy for you, Jax. I'll still make time for us. You will always be more important than school and work. You'll….."
"Tara, stop." He cuts her off. "I belong here babe. You? You've always hated this place. What would I do in San Diego? With no GED?" He had intended on getting it when but the timing never worked out. All his free time away from MC and TM shit always went to Tara.
"You are so intelligent, so talented, so….gifted." She plays in his scruff. "Hell, you could charm any woman into giving you a job." She teases, trying to lighten the mood because this conversation is going nowhere.
"But then you'd kick her ass." He laughs, despite the heartache, pulling her close. "And I'd be jobless. Maybe we should give the long distance thing a try?" It sounds lame even to his own ears.
"We won't be free for the travel time, let alone actually being together." She's thought about it. How could she not? But they'd always wonder what the other was doing and eventually they'd hate each other.
"Maybe we should have ended this months ago." She sobs against his shoulder. "This is so damn hard."
"I can't have you in Charming," He admits raggedly, "and not with me Tara." He kisses her head and uses his hand to lift her chin. "You're everything to me, I love you." He soothes her with a kiss. While their tongues dance, he pushes her down on her back.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Jax was coiled so tight. If one more person came in needing a brake job or any damn thing, he was going to kill them. And God help the next person who even dared speak to him.
"Jax!" Opie nudged his best friend.
"What?!" Jax turned, fist balled.
"Why don't you cut out?" Opie nods to the clubhouse. "We're good here." His friend was so tense that Opie didn't even want to be near him. He's never seen Jax this way before, not even when his old man died. "Spend what time you can with Tara."
"Yea." He works his lips, eyes on the clubhouse. "Sounds like a plan." Yet he doesn't move. Haven't they been building up to this for weeks? Didn't he keep her awake as long as possible, spending every available moment making love to her, laughing with her? But now that the day is here, the reality is hitting him. This is the last night he'll ever have with her. As he walks towards the room they share, his heart rate steadily increases.
"Hey!" She smiles up at him from his bed where she is lying on her stomach reading. For a moment it is so easy to think that this is just another day. He's found her like this dozens upon dozens of times. She closes the book and sits up. "You finished for the day?"
As she walks to her duffle bag and puts the book inside, he notes her shaky hands. It is then that he looks around the room. All traces of her are gone. The nightstand that usually housed her chapstick, candle, and sunflower seeds was empty. There were no hoodies and shoes tossed around the room, not that Tara kept it messy but there were always traces of her around. "Where's all your shit?" He demands in a panic, the pressure increasing around his chest.
"I packed it." She replies softly. "Wanted to get it out of the way so I could spend all my time with you."
"Why?" He asks harshly.
"Jax." She closes her eyes on a whisper. "Don't do this."
"Don't do what?" He shouts.
"Pick a fight." She answers. "On my last night here."
"I'm not picking a fight." He lies. "Just being honest darlin'" At his condescending endearment she shivers. "You're leaving, aren't you? So why so eager to spend the last few hours with me?"
"STOP IT!" She yells, tearfully.
"Ah, I know." He smirks, purposefully not meeting her eyes. "You want one last ride on the…." He's met with her right hand full force across his face.
"Don't talk to me like that!" She screams. Taking a deep breath, she tries to calm herself, "I know you're hurt. I am too but…."
"Hurt?" He repeats. "No you got a taste of the real world and it made you uncomfortable and…."
"Fuck you, Jackson!" She cuts him off. "The real world? People in the real world pay taxes and earn legit money and don't smuggle guns…."
"Oh here it is…..the world according to Tara." Jesus fucking Christ, what is he doing? His brain is not cooperating with his mouth at all. He can see how upset he's making her but instead of making him back off, he relishes in the fact that she may feel nearly as much pain as he does.
"No, it's the world in general…" She laughs humorlessly. "The world where the prince doesn't always get his way." Aim, shoot, fire, motherfucker, she knew what the nickname did to him.
"But Tara does, right?" He takes a deep breath. "Tara gets to leave, head off to higher education, never mind the shit she leaves in her wake, right?"
"Me?" She demands. "What about you? You want to bitch and put all this on me? I don't see you choosing me? I don't see you willing to sacrifice shit for me!"
"Fuck this!" Every ounce of honesty in her words makes his heart bleed more and unable to do anything other than lash out he punches the paneling walls and relishes in the sound of it splintering. "I hate this. I hate you."
"You don't mean that." She sobs, following him to the door. "Please don't do this Jackson. Don't leave us this way."
"Good luck Tara." He drops a kiss to her forehead, allowing a sob to escape him before heading out the door.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
"Need a ride?" David Hale pulls up alongside Tara walking down Main Street late at night.
"No thanks, David." She sniffles. "I'm only going to the payphone and calling a cab."
"Cab?" He laughs, noting her duffle bag, he asks, "You heading out tonight?"
"Yup!" She laughs. "Bus leaves in the morning."
"It's only one in the morning." His eyebrows crinkle. "I'll drive you to the bus station."
"It's fine, David." She tries to assure him. A big part of her still believes Jax will track her down. The last thing he needed to see was her with David. The other part of her was pissed. She sat in that stupid room and waited hours for him to come back and he didn't. She was starving too.
"Come on, Knowles." He smiles. "It's no Dyna but for a cage it isn't so bad." He teases. "And you look cold and tired of carrying that duffle bag."
"Fine." She relents, with a tearful smile, fully turning so he can see her tear stained face. "It's late, you really feel like driving me to Stockton?"
"I'll do you one better." He gets out and opens the trunk for her duffle bag. "I'll treat you to a going-away-late-night-dinner-breakfast on the way."
"I'm actually going to take you up on that." She smiles as she gets into the passenger seat.
A few hours later when he pulls up to the bus station, David is reluctant to leave her there. "I can stay, really, it isn't a big deal."
"Jax is going to come by." She smiles sadly. "You know that won't go well."
"He should be here now." Hale states the obvious.
"David…don't." She groans. "I've never gotten in the middle of you two and I don't plan on starting now. But…don't talk bad about him."
"Fine." Christ, he would never understand just what she saw in Teller, the outlaw. "You're gonna make an excellent doctor, Knowles."
"Thanks, Hale." She tosses her duffle bag over her shoulder. Truth was, besides Jax, Hale was the only person who believed in her. She reaches up on tip toes to kiss his cheek. "And thanks for my going-away-late-night-dinner-breakfast."
"Anytime." He smiles, hugging her briefly, "Take care of yourself in the big city."
Walking away, she tosses over her shoulder, "Don't become a pompous asshole like the Hale's before you." She enjoys his laughter as she enters the terminal.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXX
She could hear the rumbling of his Harley coming from far away. A small part of Tara feels immediate relief. She knew Jax wouldn't let her leave for San Diego with all the bad things they said to each other between them. But a bigger part is sad. She knows he isn't coming with her. And at least when she was wondering if he'd come, she could hold onto the illusion that maybe he'd arrive ready to go with her. The closer the sounds from the Harley get, the more she can literally feel her heart break. Briefly, she wonders if you can die from a broken heart. Because she thinks she can and will. Nothing in her life has ever hurt this bad, not the dead mom, drunk dad, or anything in between.
"Tara." He had looked quickly around the Greyhound station and finally came upon a girl curled up with a duffle bag in a corner all by herself. He sighs in relief. He thought he may have missed her and couldn't bear the thought of leaving things as he had last night. Bitter, angry, vile words between them. He knows that she knows he's there before he even speaks. They can feel each other that way. When she turns to him, he can't breathe. Her eyes are red and swollen and a fresh batch of tears are running from her eyes.
Finally his voice is right there. So close she's sure she can touch him. Reluctantly, she looks in his direction and notes that he has nothing with him. "You're not coming." She makes out in a small, weak voice. She is quick to turn her head as a fresh batch of tears comes, cursing her stupid self for holding out even a shred of hope.
"I…I can't babe." He manages to choke out, hesitantly coming closer. "I…" Shit, he can't even make his mouth say what his brain wants. But before he has to, she's in his arms, head buried in his chest, sobbing quietly. "I'm so sorry…." His own tears come, quickly and he lets them, "about last night…."
"Shh, don't." She cuts him off, sniffling, and wipes one of his tears with her thumb. As much as she wants to be lost in her own pain, she can't bear to see him like this either. "It's okay, baby. I know you didn't mean it." She sobs again. "I didn't either."
He pulls her to him and wraps his arms around her. She fits perfectly, always has. He can't imagine not feeling her like this with him for always. He now knows it was naïve but he truly believed they would be together forever.
After several minutes, Tara finally pulls back but keeps her hands around his biceps. "You should go." He shakes his head, still not trusting his voice. But she is adamant. "It won't get any easier. My bus will be here soon. Go baby." She pleads.
"I…I…can't." He looks around the terminal and sees friends hanging out, families waiting for loved ones, or bidding loved ones goodbye. Tara is literally the only person here by herself. And it tears him apart. He knows she doesn't mind being alone, in fact she would say she was used to it. But he hated it. Hated how she was always alone. Hated that she didn't need people the way he did; that she didn't need him the way he needed her. "I can't leave you here alone." He finally manages to say, swiping at more tears, he leads to back to her seat. He sits in it and pulls her on his lap.
"I'm not alone, silly." She tries to smile but it comes off as a grimace. "There are lots of people here."
"You know what I mean." He kisses the top of her head as she nuzzles into his chest for the last time. "I love you Tara. I always will." He mumbles tearfully, against her head.
"I'll always love you too, Jackson." She looks into his eyes. "I swear."
"There will never be anyone else for me." He sniffles, putting a long strand of hair behind her ear.
"Yes there will." She gives the saddest smile he's ever seen. Why can't she just rip his goddamn heart out? It would be easier and less painful. "You'll find a new old lady." She sobs but refuses to stop. "And she'll be beautiful and strong and everything I can't be for you. She'll make you happy and give you beautiful babies."
"You are all those things." He rests his forehead against hers. "And you are perfect for me. The only one I'll ever want." Couldn't she understand that he didn't want that life with anyone who wasn't her?
"That's a beautiful thought baby." She whispers. "But you aren't made to be alone, Jackson, and that's ok. I'll always have my place in your heart." She kisses him softly. "But someday, I'll just be the first girl you fell in love with." It kills her to even speak the words.
"Shut up." He sobs. He knows this is the part where he tells her she'll meet some great guy, probably a doctor who can give her all the things he can't. Like a life free of crime, a nine to five job, the white picket fence and 2.5 kids. But he can't. The thought of her being loved by someone other than him makes Jax want to kill someone. The thought of someone touching her, knowing all the intimate places on her body that he does, makes him nauseous.
"I'm not trying to hurt you." She pleads for him to understand. "I just want you to be happy."
"Then stay. You make me happy." He begs for what feels like the millionth time. "Stay. Go to school here. We'll find a medical school closer and I'll help you pay for it." These are all things he's said before. But he knows there are no med schools anywhere nearby, hell even the community college is an hour and a half away. He knows that even with the money he makes on illegal runs, he'll never be able to afford medical school…and yes, he's looked into it.
"You know why that can't work." She murmurs sadly, burrowing deeper into his chest if possible. It's one of her favorite places. He's always made her feel so damn safe, despite the glock and his father's KA-BAR he carries. She fears she'll never feel the way she feels with him again and it hurts.
Soon they hear a voice over the loudspeaker, "Bus 4355 to San Diego is now boarding and will depart in fifteen minutes."
She pulls back a bit and he doesn't have to ask, he already knows that is her bus. "Your dad would be so proud of you, Jackson." She tells him, fingers playing in his sparse beard for the last time. "And you may not believe it but so am I." She takes a moment to get herself together enough to get the words out. "You've taught me so much, baby, about loyalty and family…I'm sorry I can't be the person you need…..
"Stop it!" He interrupts in a tortured whisper. Why couldn't she see herself as he did? "You are perfect the way you are. Everything I want…"
She laughs sarcastically, "If that was true, we wouldn't be here right now."
He doesn't know what to say to that so he ignores it. "Bet you wish you stayed away from the grease monkey from the wrong side of the tracks, huh?"
"Never!" She shakes her head forcefully. "You'll always be the very best thing that ever happened to me. You…you made my life so bright, Jackson, for the first time ever." She sobs, "I'll never be sorry."
"Me either." He places his forehead against hers. "You're gonna do big things, Doc." He knew she would succeed. With a brain as smart as hers, she had no choice but to have a bright future. "People will see what I've known all along, even with a dead mom and a drunk dad, you're going places babe. And I want to hate you." He admits on a choked sob, God he probably looks like the biggest pussy ever. But right now, he doesn't care. He couldn't stop the tears if he tried. "But I can't. Because my whole heart belongs to you."
"Bus 4355, leaving in ten minutes. Please board now." Again comes the grumpy voice of the speaker system.
Tara stands, "This is it." She takes a deep breath. "Go!"
"I can drive you down." Jax's voice is now raw from the tears.
She lifts the large duffle bag with a tag already placed on it. "No room for this."
"I can borrow Op's truck." He offers, already knowing what her answer will be.
"No, it will be too hard." She starts to move the duffle bag over towards the bus where the driver is loading them in a section designated between the tires.
He grabs her duffle bag and carries it over for her. He worries about her making this trip by herself, alone on a bus for all those hours. He watches as she asks the driver something and he grabs his wallet and removes all the money inside. As the driver loads Tara's bag, Jax pulls her in for a tight hug. He knows she has been saving her money but he still worries so as inconspicuously as possible he sneaks the money into her back pocket. "I don't like you being on this bus alone for all those hours."
"I know." She sighs, keeping her arms around him, but pulling her head back to look into his beautiful blue eyes. "I'll be fine." She takes a deep breath. "You are going to do great things too, Jackson. And you are going to make your dad proud." She sniffles, no longer able to meet his eyes. "You already do. I'm sure he's so proud of the man you're becoming. And one day that gavel will be yours." She finally looks him in the eye. "You'll get SAMCRO back the way you want it." She's known for a while, since Jax patched in several months ago, that there were things he was forced to do that disillusioned him.
"Tara…" Jesus Christ, why wouldn't she just shut up? She was fucking killing him. Ripping his goddamn heart out and stomping on it.
"Promise me…" She pulls him to her by gripping his kutte, "promise me you'll always be smart, be safe….take care of yourself, baby."
It's a plea he can't ignore. She's so afraid for him and he knows on some level it plays apart in her leaving. "I promise." He lies. She's leaving him, he no longer gives a shit about what happens to him.
She pulls him to her by the grip on his kutte, "You'll always own my heart Jackson Teller," She whispers before attacking his mouth with hers.
He tries to slow her down, to savor this last kiss, this last moment with her but she refuses to back off. It's like she's trying to say a million things in these final seconds. Her tongue runs along the seam before he opens his lips to give her entry. When it gets there, his tongue duals with hers with an equal ferocity.
"Last call!" The driver shouts loudly even though they are the only ones standing by.
"I love you." Jax whispers. She blows him a final kiss on the steps and he watches as she walks to the back of the bus with her carry-on bag. She turns so she can watch him as the bus pulls off. She's just left her heart behind.
He watches her until the bus is so far away that he can no longer make her out. He's aware that he is crying, again looking like a pussy, but he is unable to stop himself. She's gone…his whole reason for living really left. And he has no idea how to go on without her.