A/N:
Alright, so this one took some... soul-searching to write, but I think I got it pretty well nailed down.
Some people have been a little annoyed that I spent most of the last chapter focusing on the other characters, and I'm okay with that. But, it is my opinion that even more or less known/important people such as Delta-squad or Jane (Especially Jane) requires a bit more attention than what they simply get when speaking to the maincharacter. So, forgive me, but I think there will be chapters such as that once in a while. Buut, this is not one of them.
Enjoy (And you better. It's 00:54 here, and I stayed up to finish this to give you great guys and girls some morning reading, or noon... or whereever you are) but, enjoy :)
Of things not lost.
October 1st . Huerta Memorial Hospital. Citadel.
13:38
"Hey Doc?"
"Mmm?"
"Do you think you'll be done anytime soon? I kinda wanna get out of here…" I say, looking at Emhart messing around with some sort of hatch in my arm. God, it looks strange… Why did he have to make that kind of Luke-Skywalker thing? I thought it would be just like a normal arm, well, that and the fact that it should be strong enough to punch Wrex… not that I would survive doing so, but still… Man, I do wonder if I could accidentally break Nic's arm with this thing.
"Well, that depends if you want it to fall off the first time you lift something heavier than twenty kilos, or if you want to keep it in one piece? If so, let me do this. I am, I should think, the one in this bloody hospital with the most insight on your case." We'll, can't argue with that. Still…
"Ehm… Doc, about the whole 'Cancer-and-brain stuff… I am not a doc, or even vet or something… but usually, when there is a case of… whatever it's called when someone is brain-dead… doesn't that usually imply some sort of neurological damage or mental trauma?" I ask, looking at the Emhart whose eyes flicker for a second, before he puts down some sort of curved tool, placing it on the small metal-trolley next to him. Getting up from his position on his knees, he goes to the sink, proceeding to wash off some kind of white grime that, frankly, I don't even wanna know what is. It sure as hell doesn't smell of roses.
"Well… yes. There were some… abnormalities, but nothing serious. Most of it belongs in the 'I'm gonna resign because of this shit' sector. See, whatever happened to you, and I have no idea as we haven't been able to find anything but the record the medical facilities on Eden Prime kept, it did something to you…" He says, tapping his temple with a finger; "In there…" I can already feel the gnawing pit of worry form again. Fuck, why can't he just get to the point?
"What happened?"
"Well… I would probably be laughed out of every single medicinal lounge and circle, not to mention lose my job if I ever said these words outside this room… then again, so would whoever claimed to have reawakened a brain-dead guy with electroshock, so I take my chances, and cut to the chase… You're an autistic now."
For a moment, I don't think I fully understand just what the hell he is saying. Autistic… what the fuck is that?
"Meaning?" I say, making circles in the air with my right hand.
"Well, autistics are when a certain part, or sometimes certain parts of one's brain kinda experiences a malfunction, and the person develops a more different sort of personality than his normal fellow people. As far as I know, only humans and Salarians can be born with this… which is kinda the point. You are born with this thing. According to the scans from both the Medicinal Facility on Eden, and the sick-bay officer on the Normandy… Chakwas, I think her name was, both times there was nothing in the scans to suggest that was the case with you… which is why it should not be possible. Are you following so far?" Am I following? Am I- what the fu- how can people contract something you're born with? For some minutes, I just sit there, left arm strapped in, right dangling down my side. and I just move my mouth, open and close it. Nothing comes out.
"What- how… what would that… what would this mean to me? I mean… am I going to, I don't know, die from it? Go insane?"
"God, no! At least, then you should be the first documented case of such a thing happening. Then again, given the circumstances, that might not be the best words here… what autism does varies. Sometimes, one is a drooling imbecile, and that's usually the worst cases. Other times, it makes it more difficult for a person to form bonds, connect and feel empathy. Again, you did not seem to lack that when I woke you up… ever had problems with incoherent speech?"
"Only when on drugs… I mean when I woke up on Eden Prime… and then the doctors had me on drugs."
"I see… well, do you have problems with lack of self-restraint? You know, like sudden outburst of anger, rage or violence?"
"Not that I know of, no…"
"How about a complete lack of fear? I mean, lack of fear in the face of certain death or enemies?"
"Perhaps… I don't remember being that scared on Therum… and that was nasty."
"I can imagine… geth are not the most humane enemies…" Oh Doc, if only it had been geth…
"So… what exactly is the diagnose?"
"Too early to say… we just know that the brain patterns are similar to those of an autistic brain… now, sometimes, being autistic is not always a bad thing. As far as I know, Einstein was an autistic, and he was the most brilliant mind in the twentieth century…" This, is where I snap out of it. Being a Dane, this as always been a… touchy area;
"For the love of- Einstein was proven wrong! Niels Bohr was right all along in the quantum-physics department!"
"Hmm… perhaps there is something to the self-restraint part… just kidding, I know Niels Bohr was right. I was just testing. Geez, if there was a proof that Danes were still upset about that, I think you must be it."
"Thanks… still, Einstein was a genius, no argument there… but are you sure he was an autistic?"
"Solid. Got it from a friend of mine, works in the one of the embassies… or, used to…"
"What happened?"
"Ah, he just had enough. It was pretty far back, all the way back to when the Batarians had an embassy on the Citadel. He was getting harassed every day, so one day he… brought a handgun to work, offed the ambassador and took the first shuttle to Eden Prime. You may even have met him… or his family."
"What was the name?"
"Saños, Saños D'nang. He was from South Africa, the way I remember." The… why does that name sound so familiar?
"Bolin D'nang. That guy in the barracks? The only one who didn't try his best to piss you off?"
"Riiight… Damn, talk about a small universe… still, I don't think I'll mention him… would probably only give the doc something to worry about, and why I left his friend's son to die…"
"Good point…"
"Hmm… sorry, never met him."
"Huh… a shame, he could really cook up a grill like nobody's business."
There is a moment of silence where none of us speak, and it is kind of awkward. Emhart seems to get the hint, whatever it is, and get's back to work.
Great… so, I'm mentally retarded now… super.
"Alright kid, I'm gonna have to do something that's gonna hurt like shit, so I'm putting you under, alright?"
"As long as it isn't needles." I say, shrugging. Honestly, I don't mind all the sedation. It may sound weird, but I can actually catch up on all my sleep now. Unless, sedated sleep isn't something that lets you do that. I don't know.
"Well, it is. But, I've already given it to you, while working on the nerves in the leftmost part of the palm."
"For- Godammit Emhart, warn me next time, okay?"
"Yeah, I will… should start to kick in about now anyway…"
"Hmm, yes I do… do feel a bit drowsy… Do I just… do I just lie down, or… what?" Damn, I have to learn to… stay wa- awake…
October 2th. Huerta Memorial Hospital. Citadel.
Sometime after 12:00
"So, it works now?" I ask, shifting between looking at Nic and Emhart.
"If it doesn't, I'm bringing you a beer. To date, you've been the most enjoyable patient I've had. The strangest one, granted, but still the most entertaining."
"Oh… thanks. And… eh, you've certainly been the most unusual doctor I've ever met. I still suspect you of being high though, no offence."
"None taken. Actually, I am on drugs for the moment, but not the type you might suspect. I'm ADHD, a mental disturbance, causing irrational behavior in most people. Some get the behavior of a man devoid of fear… Actually, if I paid any attention in History-classes, wasn't there a Danish soldier, a kind of ancient N7, during World War two, a guy called… Lassen, I think it was."
"What? You have actually heard of him?"
"Why is that so strange?"
"Just that… well, Denmark is a small country, and… well, we didn't really have that big an impact in that war… Hell, Hitler took us in under six hours."
"Still, later on, weren't the Danes some of the most feared soldiers in the world? The Vikings in particular?" Eh? Later on? Sounds like I have to hit Wikipedia again…
"Oh… yeah, right… had forgotten about those… but… can I soon get out of here?"
"I just need a few more hours to fine-tune this piece of cra- this thing." Emhart says, going over a scan of the arm.
"Fine… so, Nic…" I say, turning towards the now relatively clean guy in the chair. For once, he smells of soap instead of sweat and dirt; "Where is Ash and Tequila? Didn't think you could leave her alone?"
"Nah, I volunteered to stay here while they went to find Jane. I think Tequila was pretty worried she had beaten herself up too much over what happened. Ash just went along to get out of the Hospital. Don't take it personally, but I think we all need to get out from the hospital once in a while. You may only remember a few days, but the rest of us have been here for more than two weeks now. Hell, John and Tali had to convince the clones to leave at all. I don't really understand them though. I mean, it isn't because we know them that well, and still… I wonder if it's something in their training, ya know, that makes them care about their fellow soldiers even though they only known them on a professional basis."
"About the clones… Scorch in particular…" I say, remembering the scene right before the first hallucination.
"What about him? Worried he'll replace Joker on the witty remarks?"
"Oddly enough, I haven't had the chance to speak that much with Joker, so I don't know…"
"Then what is it?"
"Have you noticed something… off, about him?"
"Are you talking about the way he sometimes looks after Liara, or how he somehow always gets nervous when that red guy… Sev, I think, when he does anything even remotely risky?"
"Both actually… but I at least think I know the answer to the last one… I think."
"Hmmm… what do you mean?"
"Eh… Emhart?"
"Yeah, don't mind me. I'm just pretending I'm not here."
"Ehm… no offense, but this thing I'm gonna say, is kinda confidential, so… could you switch off your translator? At least make it unable to pick up Danish?"
"Ah, some bro-on-bro talk? Sure… just let me…" He says, fiddling with the translator in his ear. His is even smaller than mine, not even being visible until he removes it.
"Alright, should be there now… try saying something in Danish."
"Do you understand this?" I ask in Danish. Of course, I have almost constantly been speaking a mix of -English and Danish, but when speaking with Nic, it's just been Danish.
"What? I guess that means it worked. I'll just keep at the work then…" I nod at him, turning back at Nic who gestures for me to continue.
"Well, you never played the game 'Republic Commandoes' did you?"
"Nope, so I'm on pretty low info about those guys."
"Yeah, okay. In the game, in the last mission, the squad was forced to abandon Sev, the red guy, to an almost certain death… and Scorch was pretty torn up about it. Somehow, they must have either found each other again, or they all simply jumped to the same place and time in our… in this universe. My guess is that since Scorch and Sev are pod-brothers, he is now especially protective around him, not willing to risk losing him again."
"So… the big tough commandoes are scared?"
"As I said, it's just my guess."
"And, moving back a bit… have you noticed something about his way of looking at Liara… or rather looking after her?"
"Listen, even if… I did notice something alright, but think about it: He is from a universe where her race doesn't even exist. He could see her like we see a female Salarian… I think."
"Dude, that's weak. Even we find Asari attractive, and they didn't exist in our universe either." Okay, he kinda does have a point there.
"Fine… so what, we're just gonna romance every single person on the Normandy to each other?"
"As insane… and stupid, as that sounds… I think we're pretty well underway."
"Yeah, I am kinda with Ash, John and Tali, perhaps Scorch and Liara but I am still not buying it. Then there's… maybe Kaidan and Jane, or Garrus and Jane? And you seem to have something going with Tequila?"
"What can I say, women can't withstand my charm." He says while giving a real prince-charming kind of smile. The one with just one side of the mouth showing teeth. Still, it looks incredibly stupid on him. I can't help a smile. What would I do without this silly idiot?
"Yeah, I noticed that when she kicked you out off the chair."
"Well… I'm just more attractive when I'm awake. That is why she woke me up."
"Suuuure, with a kick."
"What can I say, she is the dominating type." He says, shrugging and keeping that stupid grin on his face.
"Tssssss…. At least she and Ash seem to have that in common." I say, closing my eyes and smiling. Next to me, Emhart is still fidgeting with the arm. It is really weird to be talking like we are, and he can't understand shit of it… or, he is pulling a prank, understanding every word we say, yet pretending not to.
"I wonder, does that make the two of us the wusses in the relationships?"
"I hope not… though I wouldn't be surprised: Ash kicks my ass every time we spar. And Tequila is more a man than you are out there… in the field I mean. I still can't believe you won in that contest the two of you had going."
"The weight-lifting? Yeah, that was pretty rough. I tell you, she can lift like I've never… I wouldn't be surprised if she could at least toss Wrex a few meters, let alone me across the room. What the hell did they teach those USCM-guys?"
"Well, they had to know something to fight the xenos, I guess."
"Yeah, but they weren't trained to fight xenos… at least I don't think so. And you don't just engage a bug in a fistfight. That's when you lose."
"And then you get anally raped with a harpoon-tail… or kissed with a biting tongue…"
"Or have your head ripped of…"
"Or have the throat sliced…"
"Or be forced to feed a face hugger…"
"Or simply be spit at…"
"Spit at?"
"Yeah, some of those nasties have the habit of spitting acid at you… didn't you see those on Therum?"
"Hmmm, might have, though I think I was too busy trying to stay alive to really notice if there were any acid-spitters."
"I guess that's true… oh, by the way, since you don't have an Omni-tool at the moment, I was told to give this message to you… or, not message, but… eh, just read it will you?" He says, handing me a datapad. Seriously, have these things completely replaced paper or what? I take the pad and read it.
"Hey Thomas. I was doubting whether or not to intrude on the slumber party you guys had last night, so I thought I would send your friend in with this instead. Makes it a bit impersonal, but I need some way to give you this. You see, I was thinking that since you weren't really in any position to order me around, I was going to ask those new guys, the ones in funny armor… Delta's I think you called them, if there was anything they missed from the place they came from, like weapons or dolls… maybe even drinks. Problem is, that one in red armor, doesn't seem to trust me. Okay, so I may have borrowed his gun for a moment, but I was gonna give it back, swear. Anyway, since I can't really get them to talk to me, I was wondering if you could ask them for me… as a favor. Or, actually, it is more of favor to you guys if it turns out to be something really cool they want from their old… place.
Just ask them if there is anything they could think of that would be good against this Saren. I don't like him, and if I can help bring him down, then that just means my job got more fun.
By the way, I heard you got a new arm… and eye. Damn, I'm glad that's not me. I prefer to be one-hundred percent me, thank you very much. Still, I'm impressed they actually gave you a medal. What did you do, kill a million geth by yourself?
Hope you will be out of there soon. It gets boring around here when no new people are popping up around you. And you always seem to attract trouble. Did you know C-Sec wants to find you? Am I rubbing off on you or something?
Oh, and Keji sends his regards. I haven't told him everything, but he knows that he is alive because of what you told me, so thanks again.
K.G"
"Well… that was… a surprise."
"What does it say?" Nic asks, taking back the datapad.
"Well, read it yourself… I don't really know how to answer that…" I say, looking at him as he skims the text on the device. He then looks at me with a slight frown.
"What?"
"Not bad, not bad at all. You may have saved Keji… there's just one thing that's nagging me…"
"Shoot."
"If Keji wasn't killed by Hock… how is Cerberus going to recruit Kasumi in two years?"
"Eh, I think it's the prospect of the adventure that drew her in… plus the large sum of cash. But I am curious now, as to what her… mission, will be."
"You mean, if there is no gray-box to be retrieved?"
"Bingo…" I say, then noticing that Emhart is standing up, wiping sweat of his chin with a sleeve;
"Alright, time to cut the confident conversation short guys, I'm turning it back on." He says, taking out his translator and pressing something. I guess they are buttons, but I really can't see. How the hell they make something that small usable by fingers, is beyond me.
"So, is the arm ready?" Nic asks, cutting me short. I was going to ask the same question, so it doesn't really matter I guess.
"Should be… at least the mechanisms are working now. We still need to give it a few swings though."
"Well, is there a reason we're not doing this now?" I ask, forming a fist with the synthetic hand.
"You really are an impatient guy, you know that?" Emhart says with a smile, putting away rubber gloves, pincers and other strange tools. I just shrug;
"Hell Doc, you may think of this place as your workplace, but to me, it's just a prison, sort of. I want to get out there again, find some tea, and get me a few beers."
"I'm not much for tea, but I can't argue with wanting a beer. I think Flux is pretty cheap. Well, Cora's Den is too, but there was a shootout there a few weeks back, and it's not yet fully restored… also I think the owner was killed."
"Hmpf, sucks for him." Nic says.
"Yeah, though I'm not shedding any tears. Fist was a dangerous man, and rumor has it, he was killed because he was working for Saren. But you didn't hear it from me, got it?"
"Hear what?" Nicolai says, giving a smug smile.
"Atta boy. Now, let's see if we can't get this piece of taxpayer-money working…" Emhart responds, giving my arm a few taps.
"So, what do I do?" I ask, rolling my new fingers.
"Well, you seem to have a good grasp on the functions. Are there any strains, discomfort and the like when you move it?" I try out a few moves, opening and closing my palm, forming a fist and rolling the fingers. Nothing.
"Nope, nothing at all."
"Well, then why don't you try clapping your hands together?" That was a little weird, but I comply, clapping them together. I can instantly feel the hard-hitting left hand hit the softer right. Also, it doesn't feel like flesh. Or, it does, but there is still something that tells me 'This is artificial' when I do it.
"It feels… it hits hard."
"Too hard? Does it hurt?" Emhart asks, examining my arm with his Omni-tool.
"Not really… what does that VI do, by the way?" I ask, studying my hand a bit closer. I can see some fine thin lines of bluish white under the skin. But even the lines on the palm -the ones those old fortunetellers always say they can see your future in- are there. It's actually pretty cool.
"Well, the VI is there solely to prevent you from ripping off your own arm when in use. It's been standard since a patient lost his shoulder when he lifted an Elcor as part of a bet. Not a pretty sight, let me tell you."
"Cool… so, anything else?"
"Hmm, let's test it more realistic. Start by getting out of bed. Your legs should be healed long ago, but this will also test them."
"YES! So I can finally get out of here?" I say as I almost jump out of the bed. When my feet hit the floor, a small tremor goes through my legs.
"Now, hold your horses. It's been some weeks since you stood yourself, so be a little more careful, will you?" As he speaks, the door opens, and I turn to see Ash coming back into the room. At first, she looks pretty surprised, probably at seeing me out of bed, but the surprise is soon replaced by a smile.
"Hey Ash, look I'm taking my first steps."
"It's nice Thom. Should I get the camera and the scrapbook?" She says chuckling.
"Yeah, and call the neighbor while you're at it. We must share this amazing event with them all."
"I think simply waiting here would be better. Wrex is pretty pissed, and Garrus is still asleep at the couch."
"Figures… why is Wrex pissed this time?"
"Meh, he was just denied entrance to a porcelain shop… something about him and the Krogan version of 'A bull in a porcelain-shop'… or was it an elephant?"
"Why wa he pissed over that?"
"Well, the part that pissed him off was when the owner said something he didn't think Wrex would hear, and suddenly the hole store is a mess."
"Shit! Wrex killed him?"
"No, but he pretty much destroyed the entire place… looks like winter back there… anyway, then C-Sec arrived and tried arresting him, and then John had to jump in, paying for the damages with Alliance funds… let me tell you, he was pissed. Even more pissed than Wrex. I'm still surprised no-one actually died when they started arguing."
"What happened then?"
"Craziest thing… they just went to a bar and had few drinks… even though it was actually more like Wrex had a few barrels, John had a few drinks… Men…"
"Hey, that's generalizing!" Nic says, obviously not happy about being placed in the same box as the four-hundred kilo Krogan in mention.
"Sorry, but… why are you already out of- nah, just what are you doing Thom?" She finally says, eyeing me from top to toe. That's when I realize that I'm not wearing much past a pair of hospital-issued under-garments, and some weird tube feeding out from- Oh Gods! Now that I am aware of it, I can feel the tube feeding right into my… I suddenly know why I haven't had to go to the bathroom for so long. Talos, this is NOT how I wanted to be seen. And certainly not by Ash! Luckily, that's the only tube I'm still having inside me, as the rest, both nose and those in my upper right arm, has been removed.
"Eh… I'm just going to… Emhart, what am I going to do?"
"Well, we are going to check some basic functions in a standing position, such as your ability to hold an object, lift a weight and shake a hand without crushing it."
"That sounds easy enough."
"Should be, yes. So, let's starts by testing if you can hold this pad with your left hand. I am well aware that you held one earlier, but that was the right hand. Let's see if we can't have you holding this…" He says, handing me a datapad. I take it with my left hand, being careful not to press too hard, and end up holding it like I would with a normal hand;
"Easy enough… why should this be a test?"
"Well, this was just as much to see if the VI would have you break the pad in half, and I'm glad to observe that it didn't. Now, let's try grapping this rod." He says, handing me a plastic-cylinder. I take it with my right hand, carefully placing it in my left palm. I slowly close my hand around it.
"No sweat. What's next?" I say, tossing the cylinder back to Emhart. He catches it and replaces it with a bigger object, this time a box, about the size of a human head. It's made of cardboard, I think. It looks that way anyway. He hands me the box, and I take it with my right hand again, before taking it with the left, using the 'real' hand as a podium for the box. I instantly realize that I'm pressing too hard, as I make marks in the material. Guess it is cardboard… who would have thought they were still using that these days?
"Whoops… I think I may have left some marks in it…" I say, handing it back to Emhart. Well, 'marks' may be an understatement. There are five finger sized holes in the box.
"Hmm… guess that was to be expected. But you just have to train with your hand, make yourself comfortable with it. Would be a shame if you ripped your own dick off when- fuck, sorry… I mean if something bad happened because you are still not used to it." For the love of! Ash is in here you- Aaaargghh! Why does this universe keep insisting on embarrassing me every time it gets the chance?!
Nic is one big grin, practically having to restrain himself by holding his own mouth while he breathes heavily, trying not to snap. I'm gonna kill you Nic…
Ash is just palming her face, looking at her own feet while hiding her face with a hand;
"Emhart…"
"Sorry, sorry… sometimes I talk before I think…"
"Well that's an understatement… that was fucking hilarious!" Nicolai finally gets out, not managing to keep the laughter from his voice. I send him a glare.
"Seriously, can we just move on?" Ash finally says, breaking the situation in the room.
"Yeah, yeah I just need two tests, and I can let Thomas out of here… if he passes them that is."
"Fine, what's the next test? The weight?" I say, shifting back to Emhart. He nods, producing a small faintly glowing hand weight. He then hands it to me, leaving it in my right hand.
"It's heavier than it looks like…" I say, placing it in the left hand. Instantly, it feels like there is no weight at all.
"This hardly weighs a thing Doc… anything heavier?" I say, moving to return the weight. He shakes his head, activating his tool;
"Oh, that is just the beginning. This weight is a Andáre Cixion variant. It consists of an Element Zero core, just a tiny one, that allows for the change of its own mass. I am now going to increase the mass." And while he is talking, he presses some… buttons I guess, on his Omni-tool, causing the weight to glow brighter.
"Cool" I say, eyeing the glowing gadget. It slowly becomes heavier, until I actually have to consciously hold it up.
"How is it now?"
"Well, it's heavier, that's for sure. What's the weight?"
"Around forty kilos. You're making good progress."
"So, do we just continue till my arm snaps or…?"
"No, we'll just take it up to fifty, then we'll stop."
"So, when is fifty?"
"Well I'm constantly increasing the weight, so it will be in… about… right about… almost there… about…now. Alright, I've stopped the increase. Does it feel okay?" I test the arm, feeling how the artificial muscles are working hard to keep up with the weight. It feels surprisingly good.
"I'm good. I mean, it is a little strange, but I can hold it up."
"Good. I'm going to decrease the mass again, and then we'll have a short break not to strain the VI at the first opportunity, and then we'll move on to the more subtle acts of physical social graces."
"You mean handshakes, right?"
"That's one of them. But the rest… are not for you and me to perform and test." Okay, I am more and more certain that this guy is high… no, wait he is ADHD… that was that mental disorder, right?
"Sure is."
"Roku. What is all this with me being an autistic?"
"Nothing of importance. You can't get autism, it's something you are born with. He has probably just found the brainwaves I emit, being in your head and all."
"So… I'm not autistic?"
"If that was the case, I wouldn't be very good at my job. That would be something I would have discovered by now."
"So I'm okay?"
"Well aside from the new arm, eye and having me inside your head, the occasional hallucination and nightmare, the sick addition to tea… remember the last time things went… bad, when were in a tea-store? Then, there is your lack of restraint… sure, you're in tip-top shape."
"That was sarcastic, wasn't it?" I ask, turning my hand in the air, looking at the way it reflects the light while Nic and Ash are discussing something with Emhart. And for some strange reason, I can hear that odd hum again. The funny thing is, this time it didn't start with the "emergence" of Roku. It just… started.
"Hey Roku…"
"Hmm?"
"That humming, you know, almost a buzzing sound really… is that you?"
"What hum?"
"Come again?"
"What hum? I'm not hearing anything…" Okay, while that is strange, it could just as well be my imagination messing with me. I shrug, turning back my attention to the people in front of me.
"Hey Doc, can we get this over with? I need a beer… and some tea." Roku just reminded me, but for some reason, he doesn't seem to share my enthusiasm towards it.
"Sure, I think the break has lasted long enough anyway. Now, get over here and… take my hand." He says, holding out a hand ready for a handshake. I comply, moving towards him on somewhat unstable legs.
"I think he looks a bit… unstable, don't you Ash?" I hear Nicolai say.
"Yeah, but that's perfectly normal. He did just spend more than two weeks in a bed. He just needs to move again. That is why I'm…" For some reason, Ash lowers her voice so that I can't hear her. I have this gnawing feeling that she is going to put me through some hardass retraining course when I get out of here.
"So…" I ask, while moving towards Emhart, leaning on the bed for support some of the way; "Who else visited me while I've been here?" I finish, looking at Nic and Ash sitting in his chair and she, leaning against the back of it.
"A few people. Garrus and The clones were here, but they left when Tequila came back… I think there may still be some bad air between them, the clone and Tequila. Wasn't there something about a movie?"
"Yeah, I think she is still pretty pissed over it…" I say as I reach Emhart. He doesn't seem to notice that we're discussing clones. Hell, he has probably hear weirder stuff in his carrier.
"Alright Fisher, I need you to take my hand now." I do as he says, wrapping my hand over his in the old-fashioned handshake.
"Good, not to strong, yet strong enough so that the other can feel it… It does seem like you have adapted to your prosthesis rather quickly. I would even say remarkably so. It takes most people weeks to be able to control the new limps in the way you have learned in two days." My eye starts itching, the new one that is, and I take the original hand to scratch it. Old habits die hard they say, even the bad ones.
"Ehm yeah, I probably wouldn't do that Fisher, scratching your new eye. It's simply your body net yet being used to the new part. Try to leave it alone for a few days, and the itching should disappear." Emhart says, causing me to realize what I'm actually doing. I take the hand down, feeling my ears go red, or how the hell I'm going to describe it. I can't tell what it looks like, but it feels like my ears are very hot. Therefore I assume they are red as well.
"Sorry… but ehm… what now?" I ask, looking back at the doctor.
"Well, now is the point in our conversation where I hand you this…" He says, producing what looks like a small bottle of lotion, as well as a message sent to Ash's Omni-tool. It beeps, alerting her to a message;
"Well, for obvious reasons you do not have a tool for the time being, so I sent my extra-net address to your present superior officer, Chief Williams, and if there are any problems, she will have my address. And, now comes the saddest part of the job…" He says, wiping an imaginary, I think, tear from his eye.
"Which is?"
"The point where I tell you that I've also just released you from my custody, and the point where I ask you, 'what are you still doing here?'… So, get out of here… and remember to put on your clothes before you leave. They will be brought here right away." His words leaves me with a smile. Hell, for a doctor, he is an okay guy…
A nurse soon enters, carrying a bunch of neatly folded clothes. She averts her eyes, probably not wanting to stare at my… to look at me. Thank God and the nine divines I'm not having a boner right now… when I'm only wearing my underpants… which aren't even mine… damn, how am I gonna change with these people in here? I mean, Emhart is a doctor, hell he has probably been the one to… insert the tube to begin with, and Nic has seen me when we went to the swim-club together… but Ash is in here as well… Dammit, this would be the worst time to have an erection! I need some privacy to get changed.
"So… can you guys get out of here while I change? No offence, but it feels kinda awkward with you in here…"
"Sure, we'll just wait outside." Nic says, getting up from his chair. Ash leaves as well, but Emhart isn't moving.
"Ehm… Doc, some privacy?" I say, in perhaps a bit too annoyed tone. Hell, the guy has probably saved my life, so I'm not trying to be a douche to him or anything, but… well, it just feels weird.
"Sorry Fisher, but until you have left this building, you are still my responsibility. So, I have to stay here. But don't worry, I'm just gonna turn my back to ye, and you just tell me when to look again."
"Okay…"
Ten minutes later I finally step out the door, wearing my uniform, seeing Nic and Ash sitting in a pair of cushioned chair across the hallway.
"Man, now I need to find a tea-store." I say, stretching my arms and arching my entire body backwards, brining it close to the snapping-point. Nic gets up and throws his arms into the air;
"As long as what happened last time doesn't repeat itself… God, that was embarrassing!" He says, covering his eyes with a hand for emphasis. Ash looks between us, a rather confused look on her face;
"Why, what happened last time he was in a tea-store?" She says, looking at Nic. I immediately shoot a pointed finger at him;
"Don't! Don't you dare tell her!" I almost shout, but I manage to keep it to a raised tone. I do not need Ash knowing about that… that episode. Gods that was the last time I was allowed in there…
Illium.
"What does the name 'Commander Shepard' mean to you?" Magnus asked, looking Tara straight in the eyes.
Even though she was wearing a faceplate, something that had always been an obstacle in conversations, Magnus was looking right through it, as if her face was completely unobstructed. These both made her feel exposed, vulnerable, as the visor had always been some sort of personal shielding from the outside world, as well as making her feel… acknowledged. She knew that he acknowledged her, saw her as a person, not just as a Quarian. Still, she could tell that there was some other reason for his question, than simple curiosity. His eyes were a giveaway. They were practically radiating desperation, anxiousness, even fear. Fear… he showed no fear when taking on that gang, and he nearly lost his life due to it… what is bothering him? His hands were trembling, as she had seen once with a crewmember whose bond mate had been taken by pirates. She had only been a little girl back then, but the signs were not something you just forget. His hands were trembling, to the point where he actually had to grasp them behind his back to keep them from flailing about. She could, even though she hadn't turned her auditory sensors up, hear his heavy breathing. He was scared. It was as simple as that, but it was still a strange thing to see him that way. Tara hadn't known Magnus for more than a week and a half… two weeks, if she counted in the days where he had been unconscious. But… why would he ask about that? I thought John'Shepard was famous even among humans? All these thoughts were going through her mind as she looked at the man in front of her.
"That's a… strange question Magnus." She said, not fully understanding his motives. It wasn't as if he could be related to Shepard, him being a human and all. Still, she found herself curious. And a bit worried.
"Just… Please just answer me Tara. I know it may seem like a strange question, but… Hmpf, the worst part is, I can't even explain why I need to know it…"
"Why not?"
"It's… please don't take this the wrong way, but you wouldn't understand…" He said, sadness evident in his voice, along with clear signs of desperation showing. His breathing grew faster, and his mouth, the side with the stitches, started making small contractions.
Is he… going to do something? I mean, something dangerous? She asked herself, looking at him. Without fully realizing it, Tara had taken a few slow steps backwards, creating some distance between them. Realizing this, she felt ashamed that she was afraid of him, or the fact that he might do something. If he wanted to hurt you, he would have done so long ago girl… just answer his question so you can get on with this. Her mind told her, arguing with the small voice that told her to run for her life. As she had done when he had defended her. As she had always done.
"If I answer that question, do you promise to calm down?" She said cautiously, not wanting to cause him to lose it. He bit his lip, nodding.
"Well… I am not sure why you want to know… or exactly what you want to know, given that you just asked what Shepard means to me… but... I guess to me he represents hope… or perhaps he represents the fact that all Quarians can make a future, not having to slave for the other races, or waiting to die due to a broken down filter, but… I just guess the name John'Shepard makes me proud of, well of being a Quarian… that's also why I wanted to join the Rayya… where Shepard was… Magnus, you don't look so… are you okay?" She asked, cutting off her own voice as she could see him cringing where he stood. His body began to tremble, as if he was about to have a seizure, or as if he was going to cry.
"I… I need some air!" He said, as he all but fled the room.
What did I say wrong? Was all she managed to think before she could only watch as he stormed out, leaving her alone with the pile of rust she had been so focused on for so many days.
As she finally regained the ability to move and speak, she laid her eyes on a bucket of steel-gray spray-on paint, and sent it flying through the room with a powerful kick. The silence was broken yet again when the bucket hit the far wall, spraying its content on the rough surface of the metal, instead of being used on the ship. Oddly enough, the paint was the exact same color as the wall, so one could hardly see it.
At least I won't be forced to clean thát up… no one will notice… She thought, somehow managing a smile that came more from the ridiculousness of the whole situation than from something that was actually funny.
Slumping down next to the ship, she hung her head, burying her faceplate in her hands, sighing so loudly that she thought for sure people in the adjacent rooms would hear her. Not that she really cared.
"Kazuat… I'm not really good at this. Now I've probably ruined my chances with… no, stop thinking like that! something you said tore him up, and you are just sitting here? Still, what am I supposed to do? Just follow him? Even though it couldn't- no, I can't… I mean, he doesn't want to be followed… and you are just going to abide by that, are you girl? You sicken me! So you just want me to go after him? What if… no! I have to go check on him! If he sends me away, then to fre'eg with it!" She thought, finally having convinced herself to get up and after him. To compensate for the fact that she had been alone and on her own for more than three years, Tara had picked up the habit of talking to herself, as if to gain a different input. In truth, it was because she had not dealt with the solitude as well as one could have hoped.
She began walking towards the door, but before he had even covered five meters, she was running as fast as she could.
…
"I… I need some air!" Magnus finally got out. He could feel the lump in his throat pressing on, and there was no way he could prevent it from erupting. Having finally gained enough control, he turned and fled the room, tears beginning to stream down his face.
As he ran up the stairs, not bothering with even looking after an elevator, his mind went racing on ahead, conjuring all of his worst fears. The fears Tara had just confirmed were real.
Jane!
Jane why the fuck?!
Why the fuck did this have to happen?!
Why?
What did I ever do wrong?!
Someone, tell me!
What did I do to deserve this?!
Why me? Why us? Why the fucking hell couldn't that fuckhead have killed someone else?!
It's not fair… IT'S NOT FAIR! He silently screamed as he stumbled up the stairs, barging into several people on his way up, completely ignoring their angry shouts and threats.
He finally rounded the last set of stairs, and found himself starring at the skyline of Nos Astra, the hell-hole of an Asari-run city that had been his prison for the last two months. He could feel the cold wind hit his face, causing the hair on his neck to stand, and his body to shudder. The words Tara had spoken constantly played in his head, over and over.
"…to me he represents hope…"
"…guess the name John'Shepard…"
"He represents hope…"
"John'Shepard"
"He represents hope…"
"John'Shepard"
"John'Shepard"
"JOHN'SHEPARD"
"John'Shepard"
That was the word that stung the most. There was no longer any chance, any hope left, for him to find Jane again. Even if he were to find and board the Normandy, he would find a Quarian steering her.
A fucking Quarian!
Somewhere, in the back of his mind, deep inside, something snapped. A part of him that had been keeping him relatively sane from the very beginning of his time in this place. It had been long coming, but finally, with the revelation that he would never see her again, that last bridge to sanity collapsed, disappearing in the vast schism of his chaotic mind.
She's gone… she's really gone… She's gone… Were the only thoughts running through his mind as he slowly stepped one foot on the low wall keeping people from falling to their deaths on the planet's surface kilometers below. Tears were filling his eyes, obstructing his vision.
Taking the other foot over as well, he now sat on the railing, with only the small amount of balance he cared to manage keeping him from instantly sliding.
At least… now… Jane… I'm coming… He thought, as he let go, releasing the hold he had kept on the wall and closed his eyes.
"HOLY HELL NO! SOMEONE GIVE ME A HAND HERE!" A voice shouted. Magnus felt a stinging pain surge through him as strong hands grabbed his shirt-neck, pulling him upwards and away from the release he longed for.
"I SAID GIVE ME A HAND! THIS CRAZY FUCKER JUST TRIED JUMPING!" the same voice again, Batarian by the sound of it. Even with all the pain, thoughts and emotions going through him, Magnus couldn't help but see the irony of being "rescued" by a Batarian. More hands came to, and Magnus could see his escape disappear with every centimeter he was heaved back. Shouting had broken out on the Vista, and he could even faintly hear the sound of pictures being taken. Just let go of me you assholes… why can't you just let me go to her?
"The hell was he thinking?"
"Christ! That was some fucking good timing there mate!"
"Holy shit, get him up!" Multiple voices were shouting over each other, merging to a mess of incoherent noise. He was now being hefted over the wall, strong hands not wanting to let him go. He landed on the ground with a heavy thud, as he was still being held down. No! I have… I have to go to her! He thought, only then realizing that he had been screaming it out loud.
"The hell you do!" The same voice from before shouted.
"Spirits man, what the human hell was that for?!" He could hear a Turian shout.
"We're not letting go of you. Stay down till help arrives." A woman said.
Then there was one voice, a voice he actually recognized;
"What happened he- Magnus?! What happened? Was he attacked?" He could hear the synthesized voice of Tara through the crowd. Why did she follow me?
"What happened? That crazy SOB tried jumping the wall. He would have taken a direct dive if he hadn't seen him in time and grabbed him. Why, you know this crazy bastard?"
…
When Tara had followed Magnus, she had simply needed to follow the trail of upset citizens arguing or grumbling about some lousy human who didn't watch where he was trashing through, stepping on people's feet, barging in to them. What Tara hadn't been expecting, was to find a small crowd gathered right outside where the stairs ended. At first, she thought they had gathered to watch the skyline, or perhaps they were all a group waiting to go down. That was when she realized the group was centered around a person lying on the ground.
"What happened he- Magnus?! What happened? Was he attacked?" She suddenly realized that the person who was being held down, restrained actually, was Magnus. She had just asked her question to no one in particular, but a human man, in what Tara guessed was his middle ages, turned to face her;
"What happened? That crazy SOB tried jumping the wall. He would have taken a direct dive if he hadn't seen him in time and grabbed him. Why, you know this crazy bastard?" His words were hard, but there was also fear in them. It was obvious that he was not used to- Jumping the wall!? Why the Keelah would he- this is probably all my fault! She almost screamed at herself.
As insane as it sounded, Magnus had just tried to kill himself, most likely because of something she had said. There had definitely been a reaction when Tara had mentioned how Shepard represented hope to her. But she had just been telling the truth, and Magnus hadn't struck her as being a racist or anything… and not insane either. Yet, there was something, lots of things actually, that didn't make sense as she looked through the crowd and caught a glimpse of the young man being held down, while some people were even taking pictures and filming it. Why would he react in that way? Why not tell me why he- why could he not handle me speaking like I- is he ill?
"Yes. Yes I know him. He… we live together. I have been taking care of him since he was… since he got hurt by some bad people. Can you let me through to him?" She pleaded. The man seemed hesitant at first, but he eventually nodded;
"Alright, I'll see if I can't.. alright, those just filming and taking pics: Get the fuck out of here!" He roared. His voice so powerful that Tara for a moment feared for her auditory sensors. When he had finished, everyone, even those restraining Magnus went quiet, and for a moment, the only sound one could hear were the quiet sobs coming from the man on the ground. Slowly, a big portion of the crowd backed away and eventually left. However, it was more than likely that this was because they had already taken all the pictures they wanted, and just saw the reason in leaving when the big guy had started shouting. After a bit of shuffling, followed by more words from the man, this time more obscene, the crowd piled out, leaving only the three humans, the Batarian who was apparently the one responsible for Magnus not being a blob on the surface, and a Turian. The Batarian, the Turian and two humans, a man and a woman, were busy making sure that the guy on the ground would not be able to harm himself. The Turian was busy searching for any sharp objects the man might have, as well as anything else he could use to commit suicide. Robes, poison, pieces of glass, everything. When the last of the audience had left the scene, the man turned back to Tara;
"There… if you know him, try go talk to him. Perhaps you can get him to calm down a bit." The man said, gesturing at the other human on the ground, currently still vaguely resisting their grasp, although he was remarkably more still than he had been when Tara had seen him first. Slowly, she made her way towards the group, almost ashamed of barging in, as if she interrupted some sort of important meeting. When she approached the group, she knelt down next to them, almost too scared to speak. She didn't have to though, as the Turian in the group turned his head towards her;
"A Quarian? What are you doing here girl? I thought he just said for the audience to buzz off." He said, a faint degree of resentment in his voice. Somehow, this triggered Tara into speaking;
"I am not 'audience'! I'm his- we live together! I want to speak to him, he will probably be calmer if you just let me talk to him. Please?" She went from almost shouting to a careful whisper, emphasizing the 'please'.
"Come here girl." The human woman said, a distinctly different tone in her voice;" I think it would be a good idea if it is someone he knows." She was the one holding down Magnus's left arm, and she was actually being careful not to touch the damaged part of his hand.
Tara made her way around them, so that she was kneeling in front of Magnus, lying on his belly. She nodded to the people holding him down, and they slowly let go of him, ready to grab him again, should he try jumping again. Without really knowing what she was doing, Tare placed her hands on his shoulders, gently lifting him up so that he was halfway sitting on his knees, using his hands for support on the metal floor. She could see a small pool of water and a bit of… stomach-contents had already formed beneath him, leading her to the realization that he had even been throwing up, not just crying over something.
"Magnus?" She asked, almost whispering as if she was afraid of anyone hearing her. He didn't respond, just kept looking at the floor, tremors constantly shaking him.
"Magnus, can you… hear me?" She asked, her voice a bit higher this time. He didn't look up this time either, but his breathing changed.
"Gone… she's… gone…" his voice came out as a whisper, almost too faint for her to pick it up, and it didn't look as if the others had at all. Gone? Who is gone? Jane? Me? His mother? Who is he talking about? She thought as she looked at his bend over form.
"Magnus… why did you do…this?" She asked in a soft voice.
"She's gone… she- she's gone…" his words were starting to come out as a desperate laughter, and it left Tara a bit scared. She knew some people started laughing when they reached a certain point or stage in their grief, but she did not know what had suddenly triggered this in him.
"Magnus, who is gone?" She asked, cursing herself for not being able to pick up whatever he was talking about.
"She is gone… my… my lo- she's gone…" He was borderline chuckling now, following every word with a pained, yet low laugh.
"Magnus, help me here! Who is-" She started, then bid her tongue as she realized she had been almost shouting at him. Please help me here, ancestors help me. She prayed as she tried again;
"Magnus… please, who is it? who is gone?" She asked, placing her hands on his cheeks, avoiding the part where it had been cut open. She was not aware that she did this before he shook them off. Finally, he lifted his head with a desperate laughter that cut in her heart. It contained so much pain and grief that she herself was close to tears. As she could finally see his face again, she was mortified at how pale he was, how destroyed he was. His face was one big mess, eyes red with grief, and cheeks wet with tears, as well as nose fluids that had seeped down his lips and was now dripping on the floor along with his tears. He had the face of a Felz'elt, a person who has lost his or her life-mate.
"Ja- Jane… she is gone now… truly gone. I'll… I'll… I'll never see… see her again… why couldn't you just have let me join her?" He stuttered, a series of small chuckles escaping him; I… would have just slipped down… gone back to her world… I… could have joined her… watched over… over her. It… it sounds… stupid, I… I know… but… I had the… fool's notion, that… she would still… be here…" He said as his breath became faster and faster. Tara didn't know what to make of his words, nor did she have the chance to think about it, as he simply collapsed on the floor.
"Ma… Magnus?" Tara stuttered, starring at his limp form.
"Hyperventilation… don't worry lass, he'll awake in a few hours…" a voice said, but Tara didn't pay it any attention. She didn't pay it any attention either when the sound of sirens closed in on where they were sitting.
Alright... so, that is not exactly a good thing... unless you redefine the meaning of good. A suicide attempt... the people in my story somehow seems prone to those, don't they? Don't blame me though, it's just how they are.
I'm a bit... not concerned, but curious whether this was a good way to end a chapter, but if not, please refrain from tearing me apart, and simply tell me with polite words... and some tea, if you happen to have that.
Till next time. I have a feeling we shall soon meet this so-called councilor, and... I don't know, perhaps get that medal?