~Interlude~ Isobel POV
As much as I want to kiss Richard again I know I can't or at least I shouldn't. While I haven't give Lord Merton my answer it is still inappropriate to kiss another man while almost betrothed to one. I nuzzle him again and his sharp exhale warms my face, "Will you wait for me?"
His hand caresses my cheek and find myself leaning into his touch and humming softly. I think he knows that I don't want him to wait outside, that the wait will be deeper and more meaningful. I have to take care of things, so lost in the plans whirling in my head I almost miss his whispered, "yes." I feel my stomach flip in knowing that he understands.
I let myself into Crawley House and I feel renewed. I had thought that being a companion to someone would be enough. That being someones someone would be enough. I was a fool to think that my happiness could be filled by making someone else happy. I sigh as I climb the stairs to my bedroom.
Dickie is a good man, a decent man. We can talk for hours on various subjects from medicine to history. However, we never have a discussion. He merely differs to me. My conversation with Tom Branson springs to mind
"It's good to be disagreed with it keeps you on your toes."
Dickie never disagrees. Richard on the other hand...I find myself smiling in remembrance of all the times he has rolled his eyes or openly disagreed with me. Nonetheless, he has openly supported me such as during the War. I know that Violet has plans. I don't want those I care for to be treated as expendable. While I don't love Dickie I care for him and no one should be used as a pawn.
My bedroom is warm and I remove my clothes piece by piece and put on my nightgown before moving to the bathroom. I start removing the pins from my hair and think of my son. From the moment Matthew and I came here from Manchester everything we did was scrutinized. Plans within plans. I'm not stupid I know that my role here isn't finished. I'm Paternal Grandmother to the future Earl of Grantham. Whether I like it or not I'm a woman of status. It would befit me to marry Lord Merton. However, I don't love Dickie in the way that he loves me. When we started spending time together I thought that perhaps my heart had become hardened by time and loss. More so if I did marry him it would shift power to me from Violet. I do not want Violet as my enemy. I don't even want power!
I shake my head at the thought! A pin I had loosened but had neglected to remove falls my hair and falls to the floor with *click*. With a sigh I bend down to pick it up. As I straighten up I catch my reflection in the oval mirror. What do I want?
Kiss me
I close my eyes and relive what literally just happened moments ago. I have never been so bold with a man yet I had to know. I am still capable of love, my heart hasn't been irrevocably damaged. Now that I do know I must act. Nonetheless, it is late and I need to sleep.