Once Draco agreed to the testing, the muggle-Inspector and the muggle-Auror left and Draco waited alone in the room for five to ten minutes. Then two new muggles came in. One introduced himself as Dr. Leroy, in English, thankfully, since Draco didn't have his parents to translate. The other didn't introduce himself, but motioned for him to pull up his sleeve. He did and the muggle tied a giant rubber band around his arm, before inserting a needle into a vein on the upper-side of his elbow and drawing a vial of blood.
The muggle disposed of the needle and left with the vial of blood, and the other muggle, the one who had introduced himself as a healer, laid out a pile of cloth and said, "Here, put this on and I'll be right back, yes?"
"But I'm already wearing one of your uniforms," Draco protested, since he was still in the get-up they had given him to hold Scorpius.
"This is an examination gown. It's different, yes?" muggle-Dr. Leroy asked, holding up a very thin robe with a slit all down the back. "The slit goes in the back and you don't have to make tie it. Take off all your undergarments, yes?"
"Um, yes, okay," Draco agreed, not really understanding. "But what are you going to do?"
"Make examination of you, of course. The baby has a certain birth defect on his penis and you claim to have the same defect, yes?"
"Yes."
"I just need to see it. Then you can put your clothes back on and I can make report of my findings back to the Inspector, yes?"
"Alright." Draco stood up to start taking the first set of muggle clothes off, but he did it too quickly and he had just given blood, not to mention all of the blood lost during the birth, so he was a bit woozy and stumbled.
Dr. Leroy caught Draco in his arms and asked, "Are you alright? Here, sit back down." Draco sat. "You are very thin; you are feeling light headed, yes?
"Yes," Draco admitted, seemingly caught by the muggle.
"I will get you some juice. Just lie back for a minute, yes, sometimes drawing blood can make this, especially in rather slender people. Have you ever make blood drawn before?"
"Not that I recall." He didn't want to outright say no, in case giving blood samples was normal for muggles.
"Well you are young and healthy, yes, so there is little need. Just lie back and I'll make with the juice."
Draco lay back and waited a minute for the doctor to return with a carton of juice, which he then drank.
"Do you get light-headed often?" the muggle-healer asked and Draco was sure this was a trick question.
If Draco said no, the muggle-healer would think this was unusual for Draco, that there was something wrong with him, and therefore needed more muggle-tests. If he said yes, well that wouldn't be normal either and would require more tests. Either way, he was screwed. He ended going with, "Um, not often."
"But sometimes, yes?"
"Yes."
"When? Is there any activity that normally makes you feel light-headed?"
"Shagging," Draco admitted.
"Yes, with that defect, shagging would make it, yes?"
"Yes," Draco answered, wondering why this muggle ended every bloody sentence with yes? At least his English was better than the muggle-Auror.
"You are feeling better now, yes?"
"Yes."
"Good, then just change for me and I'll be right back."
This time Draco waited until the muggle was out of the room, just in case, before getting up. He pulled the weird thin gown he had worn to hold Scorpius off and then he removed his own clothes. He took his socks off, but the muggle floor was cold, so he put them back on. Then he folded his clothes into a pile on the bedside table and made sure his wand was hidden in his trousers, but still close enough that he could grab it in case of an emergency.
The muggle-Dr. Leroy came back in and this time he had one of the muggle-folders that the muggle-healers had used to record the twins' information. "Alright, first I need to make your blood pressure, yes?" he asked, pulling out a blue thing with a black cord that had been left in a bin attached to the wall.
"Um, no, didn't you already take my blood?"
"Yes, but this is different. I am making the pressure of your blood now, yes? This cuff goes around your arm and measures the pressure, without extracting any blood out, yes?" Dr. Leroy asked. He hadn't been planning on doing tests, but after the patient's dizzy spell, he thought he ought to do a few tests and make sure the young man wasn't dehydrated.
"Oh, in that case, yeah, go ahead," Draco said holding his arm out. He was a bit chilly and wished that the warming charm from this morning was still in place.
"Oi, that really hurts!" Draco complained as the muggle inflated the cuff.
The muggle pulled out a listening device from around his neck and pressed it to Draco's arm, ignoring his complaint. The air drained out of the cuff slowly and within a minute it was over and no longer hurt. Then the cuff was off and the muggle was writing something down in the muggle-folder.
The muggle said, "I need to listen to your heart beat, yes?" and put the listening device to Draco's chest. When the healer was done, he wrote that too in the muggle-folder.
"Your heart beat is good, but your blood pressure is a bit low, yes? That is why you make easily dizzy, yes?"
"Um, if you say so."
"I say so, yes. I need to look into your eyes," the muggle said, putting the blue cuff away and grabbing a short, but thick, metal wand.
The muggle-healer added a black pointy covering to the already pointy tip and came back over to Draco with the tip glowing like a lumos spell. Draco tried to get a look at the object, wondering about what sort of magic the muggles were using to light the metal wand, but the muggle pulled his eyelids back and blinded him with the light-wand. "Oi, watch it," he complained.
"Sorry, but I had to look, yes? You are dehydrated and possibly anemic; you need to drink more fluids, yes?" the muggle asked, turning the light-wand off and putting it back.
"Yeah, sure."
The muggle healer went to the door and called out to another muggle to bring him a pitcher of water and a glass, before coming back to Draco. "How is your urine? It is dark, yes?"
"My what? I hardly see what that has to do with anything!" Draco protested. He still had the long-term urine vanishing charm in place and hadn't peed in months. The muggle could poke and prod him, but he wouldn't have any urine to show for it.
"When you are dehydrated, the body makes dark urine. When you go, I want you to watch it and if it is a bright yellow, increase your water intake. It should be a pale yellow, yes?"
"Yeah, okay, I'll watch it," Draco lied, just happy that the muggle didn't want to see it.
"Good. Now I am going to make your temperature, yes?" The muggle-healer grabbed an off-white colored box with a metal rod and was covering it with a glass sleeve when the door opened and a muggle-nurse came in with an obscenely ugly opaque pink colored pitcher and a matching pink cup. She set the pitcher and the cup on a rolling table which she pushed over toward the bed, before leaving and closing the door behind her.
"Um, alright, but where are you going to stick that?" Draco asked, staring at the metal rod, but his eyes were also flickering to the egregiously ugly pitcher and wondering what it was made out of. It didn't seem to be glass, metal, ceramic, wood, leather, or cloth, because none of those materials could be molded into something so displeasing to the ocular senses. Maybe wood covered in paint could…but even then, this pitcher didn't look to be made out of wood.
"Under your tongue, yes?"
"Yes," Draco agreed and let the muggle stick the metal rod in his mouth.
It was over a second later and the muggle was writing something else down with a stick that didn't need an ink pot. Draco began to wonder what sort of magic was being used to refill the stick-quill, which got him really curious, because muggles weren't supposed to have any magic. He really wanted to ask the muggle-healer about it and about the pitcher and the light-wand, but then magic writing sticks and all the other items were probably common in the muggle world and he didn't want to seem like he didn't know what they were. Maybe he could get one of the writing sticks and take it home to experiment with. If he could get it open, he was sure he could figure out how it worked.
"Your temperature is normal. This is good, yes?" the muggle asked, looking up and noticing the curious expression on his patient's face.
"Yes."
"Good. You can drink while I measure you, yes?" the muggle asked, pouring water out of the ugly pitcher and handing the cup to Draco.
Draco began drinking the water. While he drank, he noticed that the ugly material was extremely light and felt flimsy, like maybe it had been made out of stiffened paper. Perhaps muggles had found some way to harden paper into this horrendously ugly material.
"Then if you'll lie back and lift up your gown, I'll just make some measurements, yes?"
"I guess," Draco answered, finishing off the cup of water and hoping the man didn't want to see him hard, because weird old muggles who ended every sentence with the word yes weren't doing it for him.
Draco lay back, lifted up the thin muggle-robe and waited while the muggle took out a measuring tape and measured his bits.
"This is functional, with the ladies, yes?"
"Um, yeah," Draco lied. It was functional with the men, but the muggle didn't need to know about his sexuality.
"It seems like it would be too big to fit. Even if it didn't get any wider than this, it is still quite large, yes?"
"Yes. Well it didn't fit initially; we had to work at it, but then it fit," Draco admitted.
"And you don't have any trouble walking with this getting in the way, yes?"
"Well it doesn't get in the way when my pants hold it out of the way."
"Alright, I have enough measurements. I will tell the Inspector that you have the same birth defect, yes?" the muggle asked, looking up at Draco and pulling the robe back down to cover Draco's bits. "What is this?" The muggle was pointing at Draco's chest and Draco looked down in horror to see that he was leaking breast milk again.
'Bloody muggles are taking too long,' Draco grumbled to himself, but didn't have an answer for the muggle.
The muggle healer pulled the top of Draco's robe away, and since it wasn't tied, it came away easily. "Stay lying back; I need to make examination of your chest, yes?"
"Um, no, I'd really rather you not," Draco said, suddenly finding some words and pulling his chest further back, to try to move his chest further away from the muggle. He had been propped up with his elbows behind him, but now he lay all the way back and attempted to use his hands to protect his chest. It did not occur to him to jump up and leave and after all, whether the stupid muggle-Aurors would let him leave with his babies or not was at stake here.
"You are expressing breast milk, yes?" the muggle asked, looking closely at Draco's deformed nipples and then pressing on Draco's small, swollen breasts.
"Uh, no." Draco tried to deny it, but then the muggle squeezed his sensitive nipple and a heavy stream of milk shot forth. "Ow! Stop that!"
"I am sorry. Your breasts are very full and you need to express milk, yes?" the muggle asked, before moving his hands lower, pressing on his lower abdomen.
"Ow, that hurts too. Can you please stop touching me?" Draco asked, reaching for his wand and wondering when would be the right moment for a confundus charm.
"You make birth to both babies, yes?"
"No, I told you, it was my girlfriend. You know, a girl, yes? With girl parts that can do that type of thing, yes?"
"No, you have girl parts. Your uterus is still swollen, as if you make birth a few days ago. You are lactating. You are the mother and you didn't want to come in, because you didn't want people to know that you are a hermaphrodite, yes?"
"No, I don't even know what you're talking about!"
"A hermaphrodite is someone who has both male and female parts. You have the penis and the ballocks, but you also have a uterus and malformed, yet functional, breasts, yes?"
"No! I most certainly do not." Draco had his wand by his side now and was considering obliviating the muggle; he was trying to think of what memory would be best to implant into the muggle's mind to replace the lost one.
"It's alright, this is confidential, yes? I will not tell anyone other than the Inspector. He only needs to know so that they know you didn't steal the babies. They will keep it confidential too. No one needs to know, yes?"
"Yes, no one needs to know," Draco agreed, deciding to wait to see where the muggle was going with this, because apparently there was a muggle condition that would explain how a male could give birth. Maybe muggles had Peverell men too.
"Good. I will write this down and file it away. The Inspector will write it down and file it away and no one else will ever find out, yes?"
"Yes."
"Your parents already know, yes?" the muggle was done poking and prodding Draco's chest and handed Draco the top of the muggle-robe to cover back up with, before pouring Draco another cup of water.
"Yes."
"Of course they had to know; someone had to deliver the babies, yes?"
"Yes."
"You are very thin; you haven't make eating enough, yes?"
"No, I've been eating plenty and I'm still all pudgy."
"That is from the shrinking uterus, but you yourself are very frail; you were dizzy after drawing only one vial of blood, yes? You need to eat and drink more while you are breast feeding, yes? You will make drinking the water now, yes?"
"Yes, fine, but I already eat all the bloody time," Draco grumbled before taking another sip of his second glass of water.
"That is good, but you need to eat and drink more. You are dehydrated and if you are anemic, then you need to take iron. You take vitamins, yes?"
"Huh?" Draco wasn't sure what a-knee-mic or vi-ta-mens were or what they had to do with iron. And once he had the iron, where was he supposed to take it?
"You are making vitamins during your pregnancy, yes?"
"Uh, no, I don't think so."
"You need to be making vitamins. Now that you are breast feeding, you need to make the vitamins so that you have vitamins in your milk for your babies. If you didn't make them during pregnancy, then it is even more important to make them now, yes?"
"And how would I make these vitamins?" Draco asked, thinking that if he had the directions, he could figure out what they were or ask his parents about them.
"At the pharmacy or the grocery store, yes? They sell them over the counter, but I can make you a sample, yes?"
"Yes, I'd like a sample."
"A multivitamin, a calcium, and an iron-supplement should make good, yes?"
"Iron?"
"For the anemia, yes?"
"A-knee-me-a?"
"Anemia is when the body does not produce enough red blood cells to carry oxygen to the body's cells, yes? Red blood cells need iron to carry oxygen, so patients who are anemic need to make iron every day, yes?"
"Make the iron how?"
"You swallow the iron pill, yes?"
"Uh no, I can't swallow iron."
"And why not? You are not allergic, no?"
"I'm not allergic, but iron is a metal and if I were to swallow metal it would just pass right through me or get stuck and then I'd be stuck with a pellet of iron in me forever."
"No, not a pellet of iron, a pill. It contains a form of iron that is easily digestible. It dissolves in your stomach, your body absorbs the iron, and then your body uses it to make more red blood cells. Then you will not be anemic and you will not have dizzy spells, yes?"
"Do you have a sample of that I could see too?"
"Yes, I can make you samples. You will make them and then you will go to the pharmacy and buy more, yes?"
"Alright, yes," Draco agreed, as long as he didn't have to swallow the things in front of the muggle, he could take them home and find out if they were poisonous or not.
"I will be right back with the samples and you drink your water, yes?" the muggle-Dr. Leroy asked. When Draco agreed and took another sip of the water, the muggle-healer left the room for a minute and came back with several small cards. Draco set down the empty cup and the muggle handed the samples to Draco. "These ones are the multivitamin, these are calcium, and the little ones are the iron, yes?"
"Yes."
"Make one of each a day with food, yes?"
"Yes," Draco pretended to agree, looking at the strange cards dotted with little pills. On one side the card looked like it was coated with a thin layer of glass, because he could see through it to the vi-ta-mens and the other side seemed to have a foil wrapper. He wondered how he was supposed to peel back the foil to get the pills out, but he had already let on about his ignorance of too many muggle things today and that problem could wait until later. On the other hand, the muggle hadn't explained what the third type of pill was. "What's cal-see-um?"
"Calcium makes strong bones. Growing babies need calcium in their milk for their bones to be strong. You want strong babies, yes?"
"Yes, alright, I'll do all three.
"Good, then the only thing else I need is to make a pelvic exam, yes?" Dr. Leroy asked. He hadn't been planning on examining anything more on this patient than the alleged birth defect. Even when Drake Malcolm had the episode of dizziness he had thought it was a simple case of dehydration and only warranted a few tests. But now that he knew his patient was a hermaphrodite and had just given birth, he had no choice but to make a full exam; it was hospital policy, after all.
"What's that?"
"That is where I make examination of your vagina and uterus, or your pelvic region, yes?"
"Um, no."
"I need to make sure that the placenta was delivered and that you are healing properly, yes?"
"No! I'm healed fine and I already delivered two placentas. There are no more."
"Yes, but it is hospital policy to perform a pelvic exam on all new mothers, yes?"
"No, I'm not a new mother; I'm the new father."
"Who is the other father? Certainly not the girl you told the Inspector about, yes?"
"Yes, not her. A boy from my school."
"Does he know?"
"Yes."
"Can you bring him in? Is he at home?"
"No, he's still at school in Scotland."
"The Inspector can call him, yes?"
"No, he can bloody well not call him!"
"Why not? He knows, yes?"
"Yes."
"Then his parents don't know, yes?"
"His parents are dead; he's an orphan."
"So whoever looks after him doesn't know, yes?"
"Yes."
"Well we can't tell them, because we make it confidential, yes?"
"Yes."
"Alright, then I just need to do the pelvic exam and you can go breast feed those babies of yours, yes?"
Draco had thought they had settled that with a no, but now he realized that a simple confundus charm was in order. He quickly cast the charm and then hid his wand under his muggle-robe.
"Um, sorry, I was just going to make your examination, yes?"
"No, you just did it. It was normal, yes? You said there were no more placentas and all was healing fine, yes?"
"Ah yes, I said that then, yes?"
"Yes, you did."
"Oh yes, then everything is fine, yes?"
"Yes."
"I'll have them bring the baby to you so that you can breast feed in here, yes? And I'll go explain what is happening to the Inspector, yes?"
"Yes," Draco agreed, breathing out a sigh of relief that the confundus had worked and he wouldn't have to try obliviating someone. Sure he threatened doing it enough, but he had never actually tried it and he didn't want to turn the muggle into a vegetable who was so far gone that he couldn't remember that Draco and the babies should be allowed to go home.
"You may make dressing now, yes?" Dr. Leroy asked and Draco agreed. "And drink more of the water, yes?"
Dr. Leroy instructed Nancy Malcolm to bring Hyperion into the room that Drake was waiting in and he asked a nurse to bring Drake a breast pump, so that Drake could express milk for Scorpius. Then he asked Lawrence Malcolm and the two fellows from the police to meet him in his office. He sat down at his desk, Lawrence sat down in a chair opposite him, and the police officers stood. "Gentlemen, I have finished making my examination and not only does Mr. Drake Malcolm have the same birth defect, but he also has another that will make an explanation for what has happened here and mean that you don't even need to make DNA testing, yes? You won't need to make a blood sample from either baby, yes?" he asked.
"And 'ow do oo figure zat?" the muggle-Inspector asked.
"Mr. Drake Malcolm is the mother. He didn't want to come forward, because he doesn't want anyone to know of his condition, but I make a thorough exam and I am positive that he has just given birth, yes?"
Lucius was a bit shocked over what the muggle was saying and was gripping his wand, trying to judge which order to obliviate the muggles in. The muggle-Aurors had muggle weapons, so they would have to be first, but which one of the muggle-Aurors to do first? There wouldn't be time to obliviate one before the other pulled his weapon, so then he started thinking about which order to stun them in.
"No, 'ow can zat be?" the muggle-Inspector asked.
"He is a hermaphrodite. He has both male and female parts, yes?" the muggle-healer asked.
Lucius had a stupefy on the tip of his tongue for the muggle-Inspector when he was momentarily stunned to learn that the muggles had a term, and likely an explanation, for Draco's condition. Then he realized that just maybe he wouldn't have to stun or obliviate any muggles today after all. Obviously there were enough squibs with the Peverell traits around for the muggles to be familiar with the concept.
The muggle-Inspector was in disbelief at first, but after several minutes of technical muggle explanation from the muggle-healer, the muggle-Inspector was sold. "Bugger, zat lettle zit iz a good liar; 'e 'ad me buying 'iz story zat ze mum plum run off and come to find out 'e'z ze mum and 'e'z right in front of uz all along," the muggle-Inspector said under his breath.
"Sirs, I would like to request that you not repeat this information to anyone," Lucius requested.
"I make my report confidential, meaning only you, your wife, and your son can see it, with the exception of this incident requiring me to turn in a copy to these police officers," the muggle-healer said.
"And what of you? Is your report confidential?" Lucius asked the muggle-Aurors.
"Your zon iz under the age of eighteen, which meanz my report will be zealed by the courtz. Zo yez, it will be confidential."
"Excellent. Thank you very much gentlemen. I'm glad we could get this all straightened out," Lucius said.
The muggles did a bit more talking after that with the muggle-Inspector saying it would be best to get the blood sample from the larger baby just in case and the muggle-healer saying that the larger baby was not large enough to undergo unnecessary blood tests, when he had proof of maternity. Hyperion, at six pounds two ounces, was still quite small even for a newborn and the vile of blood that was needed for a test was a lot of blood to take from a baby that size. The muggle-healer won the argument and the muggle-Inspector agreed that they would not need to do the paternity test, because after all this was a case of maternity. Drake Malcolm had passed the maternity test and that was sufficient. Plus Dr. Leroy wanted Drake's vial of blood to run tests on to check for anemia and he didn't think Drake was healthy enough to have a second vial drawn from him.
Lucius was free to go and best of all, he was free and clear to take his family home: his entire family, including the babies. Well Scorpius had to stay a while yet, but legally Lucius could take him home as soon as the baby was released from the hospital.
Lucius went back to his usual chair by Scorpius' side. Fifteen minutes later, Narcissa and Draco came back with Hyperion, ready to go home. Draco was allowed to put on a pair of muggle-gloves and reach into the glass muggle-box to touch Scorpius and say goodbye.
Draco, Narcissa, and Hyperion left, walking out of the hospital and around the corner before Narcissa apparated Hyperion home, depositing him in the crib before going back seconds later for Draco; with the pregnancy, he hadn't had a chance to get his apparition license. Severus was sleeping in the spare bed in the nursery, so Draco went to his bedroom and set the breast pumps working, because he had only expressed just enough milk at the hospital to get the leaking to stop long enough to go home. Well it didn't completely stop, but the muggle nurses had come in and given him some pads to put over his nipples to catch the drips and his jumper was tight enough that it held the pads in place.
Author's Note: They've fooled the muggles, so if they can just stay under the radar of the wizarding world, they'll be in the clear. What did you think of all of the drama in this chapter?