When Coleman walked in the house, Deacon was slamming cabinet doors in the kitchen and yelling incoherently. Coleman knew he was looking for alcohol and he hoped there was none hidden anywhere in the house. He stood at the kitchen entrance until Deacon looked up and saw him there.
"Why are you here?" he shouted.
"Rayna asked me to be," Coleman answered. "Looks to me like you need me here." Deacon didn't respond, just glared at his sponsor. "Tell me the truth, Deacon. If Rayna hadn't brought you home, if I wasn't here, you'd be in a bar."
Deacon raised his eyebrows. "Yeah, I would," he said, unrepentantly.
"Is that really what you want to do right now?" Coleman asked quietly.
Deacon stood at the counter, breathing in and out purposefully, his hands pressed against the counter's edge. "No, it's not." He looked up. "Not because of Rayna though."
"I understand." Coleman walked over to stand across from Deacon. "Do you want to talk about it? Talk about Maddie?"
Deacon growled and slammed his fist on the counter. "So you know too? Did she tell every goddamn person except me?"
Coleman shook his head. "No, I didn't know, Deacon. Not until Rayna told me just now." He decided not to say anything about his suspicions. He watched Deacon carefully. "Do you want to talk about it?" he asked again.
Deacon leaned on the counter, dropping his head in his hands. "I don't remember, Cole. I thought it couldn't be true, because I don't remember."
"Deacon, you were in really bad shape back then. You were having blackouts. I'm not surprised you don't remember."
Deacon shook his head. "But why did she never tell me? I got sober, Coleman. Who keeps a secret like that? Who lies to their best friend all those years?" He looked up, his eyes red and devastation all across his face. "She told me she loved me. That she'd always loved me, even when she was married to Teddy. And all that time, we had a daughter together! How can you possibly look at someone every day and lie to them like that?"
Coleman shook his head sadly. "I don't know the answer to that, Deacon. I suppose Rayna thought she had a good reason."
Deacon shook his head and then took a deep breath. "It never occurred to me that Maddie might be mine. I mean, I've known her all her life and it never once occurred to me. How stupid was I?"
"I don't think you were stupid, Deacon. There was no reason for you to think she was your daughter."
Deacon rubbed his hands over his face. "I loved her, Cole," he said, his voice breaking. "She was my family. She was the person I trusted more than anyone in the world. How could she have done this? How could she have spent all these years pretending? Lying to me?"
Coleman walked around the kitchen island and then led Deacon into the living room. They sat down. Deacon still looked shell-shocked. Coleman didn't say anything at first, but finally he asked, "How bad do you want a drink, Deacon?"
Deacon looked up, despair all over his face. "A lot," he admitted quietly. "After Maddie left, I wanted a drink so bad. I had to concentrate so hard on just driving to Bridgestone. I'd forgotten what it was like to crave a drink so bad. Like I had to have it to survive."
"Will you accept help to stay away from it?"
Deacon closed his eyes and nodded. "I have to. I don't want to be weak. Plus I can't do that…" He paused. "I can't do that to Maddie. I don't know what to do now, but I don't want to put that on her."
"Do you want to see her?" Coleman asked.
Deacon took in a sharp breath, his eyes opening widely. "I don't know," he whispered. "I don't know anything about being a father. I don't really know how she feels about this." He looked at Coleman, pain in his eyes. "She seemed so unhappy, when she came over here. Maybe she doesn't want me to be her father."
"What do you want?"
"I don't know. I really don't know."
Coleman moved over and put a hand on Deacon's shoulder. "Well, I don't think you have to decide now. What I do want to do is make sure that you have support for the next few days. Or as long as you feel like you need it. I want to get some other sponsors to cover time I can't be here. Is that okay with you?" He hoped Deacon agreed; there was no way he could leave him alone, not now.
Deacon bowed his head and nodded. "Yeah," he said, his voice sounding defeated.
"We'll get through this, Deacon," Coleman said, as he texted a leader to arrange for help.
The next morning, Coleman came back by and picked up Deacon for a meeting. It was clear that Deacon hadn't slept well. He looked rough and his eyes had that look of despair in them that Coleman remembered from years ago, when his friend was still drinking. He couldn't imagine how difficult it must be for him to cope with the knowledge that Rayna had kept Maddie a secret from him all these years, that she had lied to him, in effect, for all of their daughter's life. While he'd wondered in the past about Maddie, he truly never believed Rayna would have done something like this. He thought he'd known her, he'd considered her a close friend, someone he admired for her tenacity and commitment to her career and to her family. This had thrown him for a loop.
When he'd gotten home the night before – early morning, in fact – he had told Audrey what had happened and they had grieved together, for both Rayna and Deacon. Audrey had pointed out that this would be a difficult wound to heal and that both of them would need a lot of support and help to be able to find a way to co-exist and be parents to their daughter. She also wondered how Maddie felt, with her world turned upside down, everything she thought she knew being tossed to the winds.
He didn't tell Deacon he'd talked to Rayna that morning. He didn't think Deacon needed to know and didn't think he'd appreciate knowing that Cole was keeping her informed on what was happening. Deacon was quiet on the drive, until right before they got to the church where the meeting was being held. He was looking straight ahead. "She called me last night," he said, his voice terse.
"Who? Rayna?"
Deacon nodded. "She left a voice mail. She still wants to talk."
Coleman raised his eyebrows. "Maybe you should," he said.
Deacon turned to look at him, a scowl on his face. "I can't do it. I can't even look at her right now. She's a liar. Why would I want to listen to her?"
"Well, Deacon, maybe she needs to tell you why she did it." Coleman didn't think Deacon was anywhere close to being ready to listen to Rayna, but he wanted to keep the door open, if he could.
Deacon laughed sarcastically. "She didn't believe in me. She didn't think I could get sober or stay sober. Even though I managed to do that for thirteen years. She had no faith in me. I don't need to hear her say it."
"Deacon, the only thing I'm going to say, and I think you really need to consider this, is that the two of you are Maddie's parents. So at some point, you'll need to figure out how to deal with each other, no matter how this all happened. So you'll have to figure out a way to talk to each other."
Deacon turned away. He worked his lip. "I don't have to do it now," he said, with a sense of finality. Coleman let it go.
There were probably twenty-five or so people at the meeting. Deacon had been coming to this meeting for years, although he mostly kept to himself. He knew faces and he knew names, but he didn't talk much to anyone and he didn't talk often to the group at large. It had been a safe place for him to come and find support, which he did. Today, though, he felt compelled to speak.
He got up and walked slowly to the front of the room. Everyone looked at him as he did. He appreciated the anonymity of AA and he knew that most of these people were working people and didn't know who he was. They might know who Rayna Jaymes was, so he'd never spoken of her, at least not by name. Everything at AA was supposed to be confidential, and it wasn't like the music community didn't know about his history, but he was glad not to have to really put himself out there.
He stood at the podium for a moment, working his lip, trying to decide what to do with his hands. He finally jammed them in his pockets. "My name is Deacon and I'm an alcoholic."
"Hey, Deacon," the group responded.
"I've been sober for over thirteen years. I haven't been tempted by alcohol for a lot of years. But last night I was the closest I've come to taking a drink in at least ten years." He stopped for a moment and swallowed hard. "I found out last night that I have a thirteen year old daughter. I've known her all her life and just found out she's mine. If you would have asked me if I thought her mama would have kept that a secret all those years, lied to me all those years, I would have told you no way in hell. But she did. And the only thing I thought would make it feel any better was to lose myself in a bottle of whiskey." His eyes were damp with tears and he had to stop to collect himself. "It took everything I had to not take that drink. It took an army of people to keep me from doing that to myself." His voice was almost a whisper. "I still want a drink. I want to wipe away the pain of knowing I was lied to for all those years. By the person I trusted most in the world." He took a deep breath. "But I'm not going to do it. Because of my daughter. I don't know what will happen for us, but I don't want to disappoint her or cause her shame. So I'm going to fight this thing for her." He took his hands out of his pockets and reached for the podium, tapping it with his hands. He couldn't think of anything else to say so he tapped it one more time. "Thank you." He quickly walked back to the back of the room.
"Thank you, Deacon," the leader said.
Deacon sat, breathing deeply, not listening to anyone else in the room. He hated the feeling of wanting a drink. It had become so unfamiliar to him that he struggled with feeling it now. He pulled up in his head a visual of Maddie. She'd always been a serious girl, although she had a warm sense of humor about her. She'd loved music almost from the time she could talk and she'd always begged him to teach her how to play the guitar. When she was young and Rayna brought the girls out on the road, Maddie would sit next to him and watch him play. He thought about her and Daphne, up there on the stage in New York City, doing sound check for Rayna. They were so unbelievably good. A part of him felt so proud of her, even though he'd had nothing to do with the person she had become. And he silently cursed Rayna yet again for robbing him of the joy of being Maddie's father, the pride of being able to watch her grow up and know that his blood ran through her. He had to force himself to stay and breathed deeply, trying to calm himself.
This wasn't going to be easy.
When he and Coleman got in the car after the meeting, he asked if they could stop by Juliette's. "Her mama died and I just want to check on her," he said. "I stopped by to see her yesterday and she slammed the door in my face. But I feel like I need to check in on her." Coleman looked wary. "You can hover if you want, Cole," he said, a little curtly, shaking his head.
Coleman looked back straight ahead. "I'm not trying to stand over your shoulder, Deacon," he said, finally. "I just don't want you putting yourself in a position to make a slip."
Deacon looked down at his hands and then nodded. "I know." He cleared his throat. "She might not even see me."
When they got to Juliette's house, Deacon got out of the car and walked up to the front door. He had that shaky feeling he vaguely remembered from being hung over, even though he was not. But considering all he'd been through the day before, he kind of was hung over from the emotions. Emily answered the door when he knocked.
"Hey, Deacon," she said, a tinge of sadness in her voice.
Deacon gave her a ghost of a smile. "Do you think she'll see me today?"
Emily shrugged and started to turn, but Deacon saw Juliette walk up behind her assistant. She gave him a sad smile. "I'm surprised you came back," she said. Emily walked away and Juliette came to the door.
"I was still worried about you," he said.
Juliette took a step back. "Come on in," she said.
"Um, do you mind sitting out here?" he asked.
She frowned but walked out, closing the door behind her. "Okay," she said slowly. She spotted the car across the street. "What, you have a bodyguard now?" she asked, looking up at him with a puzzled look on her face. "Or is that Rayna?"
Deacon scowled and shook his head. "No, it's not Rayna."
Juliette detected something wasn't quite right, but she decided not to probe right away. "Will you be coming to the funeral?" she asked.
Deacon shifted on his feet and looked away. "That's one of the reasons I came by. I can't."
Juliette frowned. "Why not?"
He took a deep breath. "I just can't be there. I'm sorry about that, but it's just…complicated."
Now she decided to probe. "Does this have to do with Rayna somehow? Did y'all have a little lovers quarrel and now you can't suck it up enough to be around her?" She felt annoyed.
Deacon frowned. "No, it's not that. It's a lot more complicated than that."
Juliette put her hands on her hips. "To tell you the truth, if only one of you is going to show up, I'd really rather it not be her. But this is ridiculous, Deacon. You're my friend and I really need you to be there with me for this. Why don't you just tell me what the hell is going on?"
Deacon fumed. He really didn't want to talk about this just yet, with anyone else, but he knew Juliette wouldn't let it go. "It's personal, Juliette. And I'm not ready to talk about it yet."
Juliette stood there for a moment, looking at him. Part of her was angry, but she detected a deep pain in Deacon that made her soften that anger a bit. She reached out and put her hand on his arm. "Why don't you come inside and we can talk?" she said quietly.
A part of him wanted to, but he wasn't ready to share. He shook his head. "I'm in a bad place right now, Juliette. I got my sponsor with me and I need to stay here." He nodded towards the car.
Juliette let that sink in. "What's so bad that you think you're gonna fall off the wagon?" she asked, with concern.
Deacon put his hands in his pockets and breathed in deeply. "I really can't do this right now, Juliette. I'm sorry. I just wanted to come by and see how you were doing and tell you that I'm gonna have to miss the funeral. Maybe we can talk in a few days."
"Okay." And then she watched as he turned and walked back down the walkway, out to the sidewalk, across the street, and got in the car. She wondered what could possibly have happened between him and Rayna that would cause him this much pain and this much grief. She shook it off though, because she had her own pain to deal with, and walked back in her house.
It was nearly a week later when Juliette showed up at Deacon's house. When he opened the door, she could see that he looked better, but not by much. "Hey," he said.
"Hey. Now it's my turn to come and check on you." She tilted her head and looked up at him. "How are you?"
He worked his lip. "Hanging in there," he said.
She smiled at him. "Are you going to let me come in or what?" she asked.
He gave her a small smile and walked out on the porch, shutting the door behind him. They both sat on the top step. Although it was November, it was still warm, so it was pleasant sitting outside. Deacon rested his elbows on his knees and clasped his hands in front of him. He looked out towards the street. "I'm sorry about missing the funeral and the memorial," he said.
"It's okay. Rayna was there for both and she looks kinda awful too, so I figured there's some major thing going on between y'all." She looked at him encouragingly. "Do you want to talk about it?"
Deacon sighed. "I feel like all I done's talk about it, Juliette. At my meetings and with my sponsor."
Juliette frowned. "Did you…."
Deacon looked at her and scowled. "No, I didn't. I wanted to, but I didn't. I had around the clock sponsors for a few days until I felt like I could manage on my own. And my niece is back living with me, so that helps." He looked down. "I found out that Maddie Conrad is my daughter."
Juliette sat back in shock. "What? Are you kidding me?"
"No, I'm not. She found a paternity test that said Teddy Conrad wasn't her father, so she asked me if I was. When I asked Rayna, I found out it was true."
"You didn't know this? How is that even possible?" Juliette was incredulous.
"I was a drunk, Juliette. For a long time. You know that. It happened when I was probably at my lowest point. I just never knew she was mine."
"Rayna never told you?"
Deacon shook his head. "No."
"Wow." Juliette shook her head in disbelief. "Well, I guess I understand why you didn't want to see her and she looks like she lost her best friend. So what are you gonna do?"
"What do you mean?"
Juliette looked at him. "I mean, you have a daughter. What are you gonna do? Are you going to see her? Start hanging out with her? Be a dad?"
Deacon shrugged. "I don't know. I don't know how to be a dad."
"Well, I think you better start figuring it out. And what about Rayna? How does she figure into all this?"
Deacon scowled. "She doesn't." He turned and glared at Juliette. "I don't want to talk about her. Okay?"
"Sure. But you do need to figure out what you're going to do about your daughter, Deacon."
Deacon didn't respond. But he knew she was right. He needed to figure that out and he had no idea what to do. He hadn't heard from Maddie since that afternoon she'd come to his house and he didn't even know if she wanted to see him now. He'd had a great relationship with her all her life, but now things were all mixed up and knowing she was his daughter changed everything. Plus it meant he'd have to talk to Rayna and he still wasn't ready to do that. She was still trying to reach him, but he ignored her texts and didn't return her calls. He just didn't know what he was going to do about all this.
Deacon was cleaning out the gutters on his house when he heard her footsteps approaching. He couldn't avoid her, as he was standing on the ladder. She looked stiff and purposeful, her gaze steely. She walked over to the foot of the ladder and looked up. "Deacon, get down here," she said, firmly.
He glared at her. "What do you want, Rayna?" he asked.
She put her hands on her hips and frowned up at him. "I want to talk to you." She sounded angry.
He scooped up a handful of leaves and tossed them down. "I'm not interested in what you have to say, Rayna. That's why I haven't answered your texts or returned your calls."
"Deacon, I'm here to talk to you about Maddie. I wouldn't have come over here if you'd just answered my calls. I know you don't want to see me, but we need to talk about Maddie."
He stopped what he was doing and looked out over the roof of the house. He knew they needed to do that, but he didn't even know what to say to her. He wasn't even sure what he wanted.
"Deacon, please," Rayna said, her voice softer.
He slowly climbed down the ladder and took off his gloves. Then he stood facing her, his gaze level. "Okay, I'm here," he said.
She looked down and then away from him. "She's really confused about things, but I think she might want to see you." She turned back to look at him. "How do you feel about that?"
He worked his lip. He wasn't sure exactly what to say. He didn't know what the right thing to say was in this kind of situation. But he had to think about Maddie. His daughter. "I'd like to see her," he said finally. "I just thought I'd wait for her to decide what she wanted."
Rayna ran her boot over the grass and looked down. When she looked back, her eyes were sad. "Well, I think she might be waiting on you. How do you want to do this?"
Deacon felt himself get a little emotional, thinking about spending time with Maddie for the first time as his daughter. He ran his hand over his mouth. "Ah, wow. What if she came over for a guitar lesson? Would that work?"
Rayna smiled. "I think that's a great idea. And I think she'd like that. She always did like to sit with you while you played."
Deacon clenched his jaw, thinking about all the time he'd spent with Maddie over the years, not knowing she was his daughter. He wanted Rayna to leave. He wished she hadn't come by at all. Even though he was feeling stronger, didn't have the overwhelming, constant desire for a drink anymore, this brought that feeling back. He found himself clenching his fist with the gloves in it, trying to will himself to not think about the bottle of whiskey still hidden in his storage shed.
Rayna seemed to understand what she'd said and she looked away, with an apologetic look for him before she did. After she recovered, she said, "I could bring her over whenever you like. Just let me know."
Deacon nodded. "Anytime. Any afternoon she'd like." He cleared his throat. "Have her call me. Or text, when she'd like to come."
Rayna looked like she wanted to say something else, but instead she just nodded. "Okay. I'll have her do that." She gave him a tiny smile. "Thanks, Deacon."
He shrugged. "No problem," he said. Then he put back on his gloves and walked over to the ladder and started climbing back up, effectively ending the conversation. Rayna watched as he climbed up and then turned and walked off, without saying another word.
Coleman hurried up the steps. Deacon was sitting on the top step, a bottle of whiskey beside him. He looked like he needed help, his eyes haunted. Coleman looked at him questioningly. Deacon shook his head. "No, I didn't drink any," he said, his voice heavy. "But I wanted to."
Coleman sat down. "The good thing is you didn't." He took the bottle. "When did you get this?" he asked.
Deacon shrugged. "I don't even remember. Long time ago. I guess it's the one nobody found. I don't even know why I remembered it was there."
"What happened?"
"Rayna came over here. Wanted to talk about Maddie. I couldn't stand looking at her. That's when I remembered it was out there." He sighed. "I think I put it out there a couple years after I got sober. When I was still afraid I couldn't do it. Then I finally forgot about it. Until she was standing here in my front yard, wanting to talk about Maddie." He looked at Coleman and let out a sarcastic chuckle. "Isn't it ironic that she didn't want to talk about Maddie for thirteen years and now she does? Now that her secret isn't a secret anymore, it's important?"
Coleman smiled sympathetically. "You do need to talk about Maddie, though, Deacon. Maybe not with her yet. But with somebody. It's hard for any of us to understand what you're dealing with, finding out you have a daughter you didn't know you had. And trying to build a different kind of relationship with her. I imagine it's tough for her too. Don't you think so?"
Deacon looked at Coleman, devastation on his face. "I love Maddie. I've always loved Maddie. But I don't know how to be a dad. You know that. I don't have a good role model for that. She has a good dad, who loves her and knows how to be a good dad. What if I mess up?"
Coleman sighed. "I think you figure it out as you go. No one knows at the beginning. And you don't have to be your father, Deacon. I think you already know how to have a good relationship with Maddie, because you've always had one. I don't think it's going to be as complicated as you think." He put his hand on Deacon's shoulder. "How about we go to a meeting?"
Deacon looked down at his hands and nodded. "I think that would be good," he said.
He hadn't planned on sharing this time. He hadn't done that since the time he'd talked about finding out about Maddie. He just wasn't the type to share his life with others. The only person he'd ever truly done that with, laid himself bare, was Rayna. And he couldn't do that anymore. That left him feeling a tiny bit sad, a little regretful, and a lot pissed off. But Coleman had badgered him on the way over about it. Told him that maybe he needed to talk about what his fears were. That until he did that, he might never overcome them. He'd told Coleman to shut up and leave him alone.
He did get up though. Somehow he felt like he needed to say this stuff out loud. It was actually one of the few things he'd never shared with Rayna. He'd been too embarrassed. He still was, but somehow it felt safer saying these things here. "I've never really talked about my childhood before. Mine was kind of tough. My father was a drunk. A mean drunk. He wasn't a nice person, even in the best of circumstances. I remember once when I was a kid. This isn't the first time I remember it happening, but it's the time I remember the most." He gripped the podium as though it were a lifeline.
"My mom had made dinner and, I guess, when my dad got home, it wasn't to his liking somehow. It was some kind of casserole, something my mom made a lot. Anyway, he told her it wasn't what he wanted and he picked up the dish and threw it across the room. My sister and I tried to hide ourselves, so he wouldn't come after us. After he threw the food, he hit my mom. Hard." He felt tears coming as he remembered the incident, as though it had just happened. "Then he hit her again. And when he got ready to hit her a third time, my sister rushed over to try and protect her and he slammed her up against the wall." He wiped away the tears. "She was just ten, just trying to protect our mom. All our lives were messed up, but I tried to not be like him. But you know what? I am. I'm a drunk, just like him." He rubbed his hands over his face. This was hard. "I have a daughter now. And she's thirteen. I'm scared to be her daddy, because I don't know how to be one. I never learned how to be one. I just don't want to embarrass her or make her scared of me or do the wrong thing. I haven't talked to her since I found out and I don't even know if she wants me to be her daddy or not. I just don't want to mess it up."
He couldn't say any more, so he stopped. Then he said, "Thank you," and walked back to his seat.
Coleman put a hand on his shoulder and said, quietly, "You can do this, Deacon. You know you can. I think this was a step in the right direction."
Deacon wasn't sure about that. The thought occurred to him that Rayna ought to be the one helping him navigate this, but that wasn't going to happen. He was going to have to somehow figure this one out on his own.