Coleman was the one to suggest counseling to Rayna and Deacon. At first, neither one wanted to do that, but he persisted. He knew they needed to talk about what had happened and he was also concerned because it had kept Deacon from reaching out to Maddie yet. He didn't think they could resolve this just between the two of them. It was such a volatile issue and they were both such strong-willed people. He considered them both friends, but he truly felt that Rayna owed Deacon an explanation, more than what she'd given him. In his opinion, she should never have started a relationship with Deacon again with that still hidden.
Rayna was conflicted about it. She brought it up with Tandy, hoping for some support. "I just don't know what will be gained from going through this," she said. "I've told Deacon what was happening at that time and why I made the decisions I did. What else is there to talk about?"
"Well, isn't part of this so that the two of you can work out how to help Maddie get through this? Has she seen him at all?"
Rayna shook her head sadly. "She hasn't pushed the issue. I tried talking to Deacon about it, and he seemed interested, but he never really followed through. I don't know if he's just afraid or if he doesn't want to spend time with her. And Maddie won't really talk to me about it. She still goes back and forth between being angry and being withdrawn."
"You can't really blame her," Tandy said. "It's all pretty confusing. But you and Deacon really do need to work together, I think."
"I want to. I just don't think he's gotten over it yet. And so it's hard to deal with him right now."
Tandy reached for her hand and looked at her sister compassionately. "Do you still love Deacon, sweetheart? Do you still want things to work out for the two of you?"
Rayna had really put that aside in the aftermath of the reveal. Deacon wouldn't speak to her and she had felt him slipping away from her. Her face crumpled as the tears started to flow. "I'll always love Deacon," she said, brokenly. "I don't want to lose him. But I think I already have. He's so furious with me, I don't think he'll ever forgive me."
Tandy took a deep breath. She had felt for years that Deacon was bad for her sister, that he pulled her down. She still wasn't sure that it was good for them to be together, with all the tumultuous history they shared. But she knew Rayna loved Deacon, had never loved anyone the way she loved Deacon. "I think you need to try this," she said finally. "You're going to need to be parents together, at the very least, so you need to try to work through this. And Rayna, I have to be honest, I do believe it's more than just explaining why you decided not to tell him you were pregnant. Surprising as that may sound, coming from me."
Rayna frowned. "So you agree with Coleman?"
Tandy made a face. "I don't know if that's how I'd put it, but I think y'all need to talk about this. If for no other reason than that you need to help your daughter. And maybe having a neutral third party will help you work through all of this." She shrugged. "And if it brings you back together, then we'll see how that goes."
Deacon told Juliette about Coleman's suggestion. When he had finally told her about Maddie being his daughter, she had not really been surprised by the news, but she had been shocked that Rayna had kept it a secret. She'd encouraged him to reach out to Maddie, but he'd been reluctant, not knowing if he could be the kind of father she deserved.
They were sitting on the steps at his house on a sunny afternoon in December, a week before Christmas. Deacon worked his lip and then looked off into the distance. "Coleman thinks Rayna and me should go to counseling," he said. "To figure things out about Maddie."
Juliette looked surprised. "Really." She thought about that for a moment. "You know, maybe that's not a bad idea. There's a lot that Rayna hasn't told you that you need to know."
Deacon turned his head to look at her. "I guess. I don't know if I want to hear it though."
"When's the last time you saw her?"
He looked down at his feet. "She showed up here, wanting to talk about Maddie. A few weeks ago, I guess." He looked back up at Juliette, a scowl on his face. "But I told her I didn't have anything to talk about with her. I still don't."
Juliette put her hand on his arm. "Deacon, Maddie's your daughter. You need to deal with that."
"She hasn't actually asked to see me. I don't think she wants this any more than I do."
"I don't think that's true," Juliette said with a sad smile. "She's just thirteen. She doesn't know how. She really needs both you and Rayna to help her. And y'all being at cross purposes isn't helping that. You and Rayna, I mean."
"But how is counseling going to help? I don't know if I can be in the same room with Rayna."
Juliette looked puzzled. "Don't you want to know why she never told you? I mean, you've been sober for a very long time. Don't you want to know why the right time never came up? If she was ever going to tell you?"
Deacon took a deep breath. "Maybe I don't want to know the answers," he said quietly.
Juliette shook her head. "I don't believe that. The two of you were back together. Why would she do that when she knew she was hiding the fact that y'all had a daughter together? I think you need to know all of this to be able to move past it. It's going to be an obstacle between y'all if you don't."
Deacon scowled. "There's no 'us' anymore, Juliette. I can't trust her anymore and without trust, there's nothing. She kept a secret from me for thirteen years. She betrayed me for thirteen years. I don't know that woman anymore."
"Oh, please," Juliette said, making a face. "Much as I hate to say it, she's the love of your life. She's the only woman you'll ever love. I think you're afraid to hear what she has to say because it might mean you could get past it. And you'd just rather hang on to the mad."
"I can't even believe you're saying that to me," Deacon said, his voice tight. "The woman I lived with back when we were starting out, that woman was the love of my life. This woman, well, I don't know the woman she's been the last thirteen years. And I don't care what she says, I'm never forgiving her."
Juliette laughed. "I think you should do the counseling anyway, Deacon. You never know. It could help. If nothing else, you need to be a dad to Maddie. And I guess you can't do that until you have some answers."
Coleman was finally able to convince them they needed to do this for Maddie, if not for themselves. When they both finally agreed, Audrey found a well-respected family therapist through Vanderbilt. The initial plan was for Deacon and Rayna to meet with him together, to work through all the issues and come up with a plan for how to be parents together. He asked to see each one individually first in order to find out what they were hoping to gain from counseling, in order to structure the joint sessions.
Rayna went by to see Tandy after her session with Dr. Harris. "I don't know about this, Tandy," she said. "He seems to want me to talk about more than I'm comfortable with."
"What did he say?"
Rayna scrunched up her face. "Well, he asked me first what I wanted to accomplish. And I told him that I just want Deacon and Maddie to have a relationship. And that I want Deacon to be able to get past this."
Tandy reached out for her sister's hand. "I think the first thing makes complete sense. But it sounds to me, from what you've told me, that Deacon is still pretty angry about what happened. What are you going to tell him?"
"What I've been telling him. That I made the best decisions I could for Maddie. And that I had to think about her and what was in her best interest." She sighed. "I just don't see why we have to open up all those old wounds. All it will do is make him angrier and I want us to heal, not grow farther apart."
Tandy gave her an encouraging smile, even though she felt anything but. She was afraid that this would not end the way her sister wanted it to. She knew she had counseled Rayna to not involve Deacon and she had supported her not telling him about Maddie over the years. She still believed that was the right thing to do and, while she was sorry all this was happening, she wasn't sure she wanted them to "heal". "Well, sweetheart, I think you just go into this sharing what you feel comfortable sharing and just see how it goes from there. I mean, this counselor can't force you to share anything you don't want to. Right?"
Rayna nodded. "I guess," she said. "I just really don't want Maddie to get hurt."
Deacon felt uncomfortable sitting in a therapist's office. He'd certainly spent his share of time with addiction counselors in all his stays in rehab, but this was different. Instead of talking about what was causing him to drink, he was having to deal with matters of the heart. And his was battered and bruised and he wasn't sure he could handle more heartache.
"Deacon, what is it that you want from this?" Dr. Harris asked.
Deacon shrugged. "I don't know," he said, sullenly.
Dr. Harris was quiet for a moment. "I don't think that's really true," he said, finally. "Why don't we start with what questions you have that you want answers to."
Deacon huffed and crossed his arms over his chest. He scowled. Then finally he leaned forward in the chair and rubbed his hands over his face. He looked up and said, "I want to know why she did it. I know I was a drunk back then, but once I got sober, why did she not tell me I had a daughter?"
"Tell me how you felt when you found out."
Deacon sat back. "I was confused at first, because I didn't think it could be true. Then I was mad." He worked his lip. "I'm still mad. Rayna was the last person on earth that I thought would ever lie to me. About anything. But especially not something like this."
"How would it help to know what she was thinking during that time?"
Deacon looked incredulous. "I want to know why she lied!" he said heatedly.
Dr. Harris nodded and held up his hand. "I understand that. What I mean is, would it change anything for you if you could understand that? Would it change how you felt about her not telling you? Would it change how you feel about her?"
Deacon raised his eyebrows as he considered that. "I don't know. Probably not, but I don't know." He sighed. "Truthfully, I would like to hear her side of things. I don't know that it changes anything, but for my own peace of mind, I'd like to hear it. And I'd like for her to admit she was wrong."
Dr. Harris made some notes and nodded. "And what about Maddie? What do you want to happen with Maddie?"
Deacon sighed and looked down. "I don't know. I don't think I'm built to be a father."
Dr. Harris looked at him over his glasses. "What makes you think that?" he asked.
Deacon sat back and his eyes got teary. "I do want to know her as my daughter. But I'm scared. My father was a bad man and I don't want to be like him. I've known Maddie her whole life and I love her. But everything is different and I'm not sure what to do. I don't think I know how to be a father."
"Would it help at all if I told you that there's no right way to go about it? That you just start by spending time together and getting to know things about her that you wouldn't have known before? Start by filling in those blanks. You do it together, because, remember, she's in the same place as you. She's known you all her life, but not as her father. Start with what you have in common and work from there."
Deacon nodded. "Music. That's what we have in common. I actually had said I could do guitar lessons but that never really went anywhere."
"Why not?"
Deacon shrugged. "I didn't follow through. I told Rayna to have her call me, but maybe that wasn't the right way to do it."
"That's something we could talk about when the two of you are together. Set some ground rules and make a plan." He made a note, then looked back up at Deacon. "The longer this goes on, the harder it becomes. And it can make Maddie think you don't want to have a relationship with her. That's not what you want, is it?"
"No." Deacon took a deep breath as he felt tears threaten. "No, it's not."
Dr. Harris smiled. "I think we have a place to start. I hope we can gain some common ground."
Deacon nodded. "Me too," he said.
The morning of their first session together, Deacon was already in the waiting room when Rayna arrived. He met her gaze, but gave no indication of welcome, so she went and sat across the room. She stole glances at him, but found his face unreadable. He seemed so shut off. Her heart ached, thinking that they might never have another chance together. All she'd ever wanted, back when they were together, was for them to be a family. To get married and have children and raise them together. That seemed so impossible now.
Deacon didn't look at Rayna again after she walked in, but he was acutely aware of her. He felt angry at himself for not being able to just dismiss her. It hurt him to his core to remember how happy he'd been when they'd gotten back together and how quickly it was all blown to bits by that afternoon visit from Maddie. He found himself questioning again why he was here. Then he reminded himself it was for Maddie.
They didn't have to wait long before the doctor called them from the door. They followed him to his office and sat in separate wing chairs, avoiding the couch. Dr. Harris sat across from them, noting where they'd chosen to sit. He watched them for a moment and then started the session. "Rayna and Deacon, I understand that you're here to try to work through issues surrounding the fact that Deacon recently found out the two of you had a child together. And you want to work on how you parent that child together. Is that correct?" They both nodded. He looked at Rayna. "Rayna, maybe you could start by sharing what happened back in the beginning. Just for some context."
Rayna took a deep breath and then looked down at her hands in her lap. She could feel Deacon's eyes on her. "Uh," she said and then words escaped her.
After a moment, Dr. Harris prompted her. "When did you find out that Deacon was your daughter's father?" he asked.
Rayna looked up at him. He was a middle-aged man, with salt-and-pepper hair and kind brown eyes. He had on those half-moon glasses that she normally associated with older men. He was dressed comfortably in khakis and a sweater, which had somehow surprised her. It had thrown her off a bit when she'd first met him and now it did again. "I, uh, well, officially, I knew after the paternity test. Which was after Maddie was born."
"But unofficially?"
Rayna sighed. "I always knew," she said quietly. She could see, out of the corner of her eye, Deacon moving in his seat, turning to look towards her.
"Why did you decide not to tell him then?"
"Well, actually I had planned to." She turned to look at Deacon, her eyes narrowing a bit. Her voice had a hardness to it. "I went to the cabin to tell you. But…you were drunk. I got there and you were drunk, Deacon. And I had to think about my baby. And whether that was the kind of life I wanted for her." She breathed in deeply. "It was one thing for me to live with that, and you know that I dealt with your drinking for a lot of years, but it was different with a baby." She lowered her head. "I didn't know what to do. I was scared."
"Why Teddy?" Deacon asked, his voice low.
Rayna looked up at him. Her voice was brittle. "Because he was safe. And he was stable. And he offered to take care of us. He was willing to raise the baby as his own. And I thought that was best for Maddie. I could give her a father that we could count on. To be there, to provide for us. You know I couldn't always depend on you to be there. Or be sober."
Deacon glared at her. "And yet you sent me to rehab again. Paid for it yourself. But you still couldn't tell me." He ran a hand over his mouth. "Damn it, Rayna, you cut me out! You cut me out of my own daughter's life! You never even gave me a choice!"
Rayna looked away. When she turned back, she said, "I don't want to rehash all this old stuff. I just want to get to a point where we can be parents to Maddie and not fight with each other."
"What is it that you want from me?" he asked, his voice still angry.
"I need you to talk to me about Maddie. I want us to be able to talk to each other."
Deacon scowled. "I don't want to listen to all your excuses, Rayna."
Rayna frowned. "Deacon, I promise that the only time I'll call you is when it's about Maddie. If that's how you want it, I'll respect that. But you have to meet me halfway. Answer when I call you. Can you do that?"
He nodded and looked away. He tapped his fingers on the arm of the chair, then turned back to her. "You know, the hard part right now is that I still wouldn't know she was mine if she hadn't found out. You would never have told me."
"You don't know that."
"Sure I do. You'd still be sitting in that chair, lying to my face, right now and every day for the rest of my life." At that moment, he felt like he wanted to jump out of his chair and shake her until she owned up to the fact that she'd betrayed him, hurt him.
"This wasn't how I wanted it, Deacon. I wanted to marry you and raise our daughter up together. But you couldn't do that. You couldn't provide us with a stable home." She took a deep breath. "I know I lied to you and I guess you resent the hell out of me for that. But I resent you even more for putting us in this position," Rayna said heatedly.
Deacon bristled and got up from the couch. He stormed over to the window and looked out, breathing in and out, his fury evident.
"This isn't a contest," Dr. Harris said. "It's good to get this out, so you can deal with it, but one person's hurt isn't greater than the other's." He looked over the top of his glasses at Rayna, as she crossed her arms over her chest and scowled.
She was quiet for a moment, first looking at Dr. Harris, then turning her eyes to Deacon. She could see the tension rippling through him. His hands were in his pockets and his shoulders were rolled forward. She felt a twinge of pain as she recognized that gesture as being one that Maddie took on when she was frustrated and angry. Just like her father. She closed her eyes and willed herself to breathe, to relax.
When she opened her eyes, she put her hand on the arm of the chair and pushed herself up. She walked over to Deacon and, standing behind him, put her hand on his arm. He jerked away and she made herself try again, this time wrapping her fingers around him. "Deacon, Dr. Harris is right," she said quietly. "It's not a contest. We both are hurt and my hurt isn't more than yours."
Deacon turned to face her, his eyes dark with fury. "I don't know if I can really do this." He waved his finger between the two of them. "Together. I do want to listen to you, Rayna, but I just can't yet. I can't get past how mad I am right now. Looking at you hurts too bad."
Rayna took in a sharp breath and teared up. "But we need to do this if we're ever going to work this out. I'm fighting for Maddie. I'm fighting for you. I'm fighting for us," she said. In her mind this was as much about their relationship as it was about them being able to be parents to Maddie together.
Deacon threw his hands out in exasperation and then put them on his hips. "That's just it. I don't know if we can work this out. I don't know that there's an 'us' to fight for. I don't know that I can ever trust you again. And I sure as hell can't forgive you right now." He looked away and ran his hand over his mouth. Then he looked at Dr. Harris, who was watching the exchange. "I'm sorry, Dr. Harris, but I'm just not ready for this."
"But, Deacon…" Rayna started to say.
Deacon waved his hand at her dismissively. "I'll still meet with Dr. Harris, Rayna. Just not with you. Not now." He took a deep breath and rubbed his hands over his face. "I'm sorry. I'll make another appointment." And then he walked out.
"Deacon!" Rayna called out, her voice broken, but he was gone. She started to cry, then walked over and sat on the couch.
Dr. Harris handed her a tissue. "Rayna, it's okay. It probably was too soon. It's clear there are a lot of open wounds between the two of you and maybe you need to heal them separately before you can heal together."
She looked at the therapist, feeling distraught. "But how do we help Maddie if we can't work things out between the two of us?"
"I think you can still help your daughter. You have some rebuilding to do with her on trust and closeness. Deacon has his own issues to work on so that he can have a relationship with his daughter. Iit will eventually lead to the two of you needing to work together to create a good parenting environment for Maddie. And you'll be in a better place to do that."
"But I love him. I don't want to lose him," she said, her voice broken.
Dr. Harris took a breath. "That may not be possible, Rayna. Not unless you are willing to do some work to understand your motivations for making the decisions you made. Not just before Maddie was born, but all the years after. Keeping that a secret, even after you knew that Deacon was on more solid ground, is something you need to confront and deal with."
Rayna opened her mouth to defend herself, but she stopped. If she was honest with herself, Dr. Harris was right. She might have been able, at one time, to defend why she'd made the decision not to tell Deacon she was pregnant, and she might have even been able to make him understand that it was the right decision at the time. But as time went on, she had consciously not told him. She'd let him have a relationship with Maddie, and told herself it was her way of making sure they were connected, but it truly was a horrible thing she'd done.
"Are you willing to do that, Rayna?" Dr. Harris asked. "Can you?"
Rayna felt tears spring to her eyes. She felt beaten down, exhausted. She shrugged. "I think I have to," she said, sadly.
As she drove home, Rayna thought about what Dr. Harris had said to her, about what she knew Deacon wanted from her. He wanted to know it all. He wanted her to explain herself and why she made the decisions she had. She wasn't sure she could do that. All of the things she'd told herself for all those years – that Maddie needed to be protected, that she could never be sure that Deacon wouldn't get drunk again, that she couldn't blow up Maddie's life, that Teddy had been a good and loyal father and husband and didn't deserve to be cut out of his daughter's life, that she had promised Teddy she would never tell – none of those things seemed so valid today. But then the one thing she'd said to Deacon, that he was the one that had put them in that position, she still believed that was true. At the time, there was no way to know he'd get, and stay, sober, and she couldn't risk her child's life for that.
She wasn't sure she could give Deacon the answers he wanted. She wasn't sure she wanted to say she was wrong all this time. I put Maddie first, she told herself. That was what she wanted to believe. That was what she had to believe.
Rayna was at home by herself when Maddie called, a week after the counseling session with Deacon. She and Juliette had a short two week break from their tour and Teddy had used that opportunity to schedule his wedding to Peggy Kenter. Daphne had quickly accepted Peggy into her life, which was so like her youngest daughter. Daphne let very little get her down and she almost always had a sunny disposition. Rayna often thought that if Daphne ever did want to be a performer, she already had the performance face down pat.
But Maddie had not had an easy time with Teddy's remarriage. Rayna supposed a lot of that was because of the situation with Deacon. Maddie was still struggling with the whole idea of Deacon being her father and Teddy getting remarried had gotten her out of sorts as well. She still was keeping most of her feelings to herself, but she'd started acting out more than normal. Rayna had wanted Deacon to reach out to Maddie, but he was keeping a low profile, waiting for Maddie to make the first move, which she found annoying.
At first Maddie wasn't going to go to Teddy and Peggy's wedding, but she finally relented after Teddy had a heart-to-heart with her. The plan was for all of them to stay the night at The Hermitage Hotel and then the four of them would be going to the Blackberry Inn for a long weekend. Rayna actually did think it was nice of Peggy to invite the girls along on their brief honeymoon. But here it was, just after eight o'clock, and Maddie was calling.
"Hey, sweet girl," Rayna answered. "How's the wedding?"
Maddie's voice sounded wistful. "It was nice. Daphne and I sang for Dad."
Rayna smiled. "Oh, honey, I'm so glad you did." Maddie had threatened not to, which had upset Daphne. Apparently Teddy's heart-to-heart had done the trick.
Maddie was silent for a moment. "Can you come pick me up? I think I'd like to spend the weekend with you."
"Of course. I'll be right there."
When they got home, Maddie had headed for her room, while Rayna made some popcorn. When she got upstairs, Maddie was listening to music on her iPod and reading. Rayna sat down on the bed. "I made some popcorn. You wanna go downstairs and have a mother-daughter movie night?" she asked.
Maddie gave her a small smile. "I'm okay. I'd rather just read, if that's cool."
Rayna nodded. "It's cool." She wondered what Maddie was listening to. "Do you mind if I listen?"
Maddie handed her an ear bud. "Sure," she said.
Rayna felt a pang in her heart as she heard Deacon's voice singing "A Life That's Good". The song he'd written about her back when they first met. She hadn't realized Maddie had been listening to his songs. Then Maddie pulled out her ear bud and Rayna did the same.
"Do you think Deacon will ever look at me the way that Dad looks at Daphne?" she asked.
Rayna caught her breath. "There are just so many questions we don't know the answers to, sweet girl." She took Maddie's hand. "We made a lot of decisions a long time ago that are really impacting your life right now. And I'm so sorry that you've felt even an ounce of pain over that. But we're gonna make it right. I promise you."
Maddie nodded and gave her mom a smile. "Okay," she said.
"Are you sure you don't want to watch a movie?" Rayna asked. Maddie shrugged. "I'll let you pick," she said with an encouraging smile. "But nothing scary, okay?"
Maddie got up from the bed and laughed. "Okay," she said as she walked out the door.
Rayna sat on the bed a moment, then got up and followed her daughter. She walked into the kitchen and picked up her phone, walking out to the butler's pantry where Maddie couldn't hear her. She scrolled down and hit the call button.
"Yeah," came Deacon's chilly voice after the third ring.
At least he did answer. "Hey. Listen. I know we've been trying to keep our distance while we work through things, but we're just not going to be able to do that." She paused. "Deacon, she's asking for you. Our daughter wants her father."
Deacon was silent for a moment on the other end. Finally, he said, "Can you bring her by tomorrow? I don't have anything planned, so maybe she and I could spend the afternoon together."
Rayna smiled to herself. "I think she would love that. I'll bring her over then." She paused. "Thank you, Deacon."
"I'm happy to do it. I'm looking forward to it, actually."
"Bye, Deacon," she said and hung up. She stood there for a moment, feeling a mix of happiness for Maddie and longing for herself. She missed him so much. She hoped that a combination of his working on his relationship with Maddie and the counseling they were going through would help them both be able to break through the impasse between them. She wanted them to be a family together. But this was a start and she took a deep breath and whisked away the tears that were threatening. Then she put on a smile and walked out to join her daughter for movie night.