I opened my eyes to the early morning sun. I stood up from my bed and noticed my bedroom door was still wedged shut. It appeared no one had bothered to come in to be sure I was okay, which was just the way I wanted it. I stretched and wiped the sleep from my eyes. Then I wondered about the possible wake of damage I may have caused with my temper tantrum. I hoped Darry hadn't freaked out and banished Two-Bit and Casey from the house again, or told Owen to go away and stay away. I gathered my stuff for court and quietly freed myself from my solitude.
Once I roamed through the house I realized everyone and everything looked to be at peace. I found Casey shacked up in Sodapop's bed with him and Two-Bit on the bed outside of Darry's room and Steve had obviously appeared late in the evening because he was fast asleep on the couch, which explained why Casey and Soda were together. Steve once shared a bed with Soda, but Sodapop is a snuggler, and when he threw his arm around Steve and held him close… well that was too much friendship for Steve!
When I was dressed and ready I left a note on the dining room table.
Waiting in the car. Ms. Curtis. I sat and fumed in the stuffy car for over and hour until my brothers emerged from the house ready to leave for the courthouse. None of us spoke to each other for the entire day. The tension between the three of us was so thick that my mind would sometimes wander during questioning and wonder if anyone else noticed the 'elephant' in the corner of the courtroom. Owen wasn't even there to help lighten things up because the prosecution told him that with the change of agenda he wouldn't be testifying until the next week, so they sent him back to school. The day was long with testimony. While on the stand I perfected a lengthy pause before answering the prosecution's questions. I spoke slowly in hopes that my days in Tulsa would drag on giving Sodapop the time to wise up and stick up for me. I needed him to change his mind about it not being safe for me in Tulsa. I needed him to tell Darry he was wrong to send me away, but until he did that I considered him to be my adversary.Once the judge dismissed the courtroom for the day I had made up my mind that I had no desire to speak with my brothers or be with my brothers, and they didn't' appear to have anything to say to me either. Not even a 'good job' or 'well done'. I told myself I didn't care anyway. Instead I wanted my solitude to continue and in the elevator I made a plan in my head to get what I wanted.
We exited the courthouse together in silence with the 'elephant' in tow. Purposely, I lagged far behind the two young men, and when they turned to the right to go to the parking lot I silently turned to the right, walked briskly away, and abandoned them.
I imagined they didn't notice my absence until it was too late to hunt me down, or call out to me. I pretended that I didn't care about their feelings as I moved quickly down the city blocks on my way to my ultimate place of solitude, the public library.
__________________
It was dark and just before ten o'clock at night when I turned the street corner and headed down the block towards my house, books in hand. I noticed the living room and kitchen lights burned bright as I passed through the fence gate and up the porch steps.
I pulled open the screen door and stepped inside to find Casey and Two-Bit unusually soundless and staring at me from the sofa. Steve had stopped pacing to look at me.
"Scout!" He said and released a tense sigh of relief. He walked towards me cautiously. "Where'ya been all night? You missed dinner."
I pulled my books up to my chest and crossed my arms over top of them as I looked at him with suspicion. "I'll be sure to eat something before I go to bed."
Steve stepped closer to me. "What kind of books you got there?"
I pulled my books tighter to my chest to hide the titles with my forearms. "It doesn't matter."
Steve stepped even closer with an unexpected concern. "You know you can't go running off like that. A lot of people around here were worried 'bout you. Your brothers were real worried about you."
"I doubt that." I snapped then I noticed the solemn looks on the faces of my friends and knew I was wrong." I stepped past Steve and notice Sodapop leaning with his back against the kitchen doorframe where he appeared to have been in conversation with someone in the kitchen. I glared at my brother and held my grudge. He glared back with the intensity he usually showed before a fight. As I moved through the dining room he straightened up and charged towards me.
"Why'd you run off like that?" He asked as he approached.
I stopped just before the doorway to my old bedroom and answered in a snotty tone. "I didn't run off. I walked."
"You know what I mean," Soda snarled with a hint of annoyance.
I put all of my weight on my back foot, cocked my hip with bad attitude and defiantly stared at my brother. "What's it matter to you? In a week I'll be gone and able to walk wherever I want and you won't have a say about it! So where I go shouldn't concern you or your friends anymore! Just pretend I'm already gone!" I tried to push past my brother, but his temper flared.
Outraged at the situation Soda unexpectedly snapped. He reached up with both hands and shoved my body up against the wall near the bathroom door. The force of his actions jarred the library books from my grip and they fell to the floor with a thud and a thump. Sodapop pushed hard to keep me pinned against the wall as he screamed, "Stay put! Just stay put! I am so sick and tired of everyone leaving me! I can't take this anymore! Do you have any idea how hard all of this is for Darry and me? Do you?"
I stared wide-eyed at my brother in fear. I could tell by the look in his eye that he was as angry as he gets. I had seen the look before when he had to rescue me from a group of rotten mannered Socs.
"None of this is our fault! So quit blaming us for trying to protect you!" Sodapop continued to scream, but was interrupted by the sound of Darry's bedroom door knob turning. Then our brother emerged from the dimly lit room.
I watched as Darry slowly walked towards me without the assistance of his cane. Oddly, he smiled softly at me. "Hi, Scout. It's good to see you home. Where'd ya go this evening?"
The soft, caring look in his eyes distracted me from my anger, and I calmly answered, "The library."
Darry let out a little laugh. "Didn't figure to look there, but I guess we should have known better." I followed his gaze and noticed he was speaking to Owen who was quietly standing in the kitchen doorway where Sodapop had been.
The look on Owen's face was serious. "We looked everywhere else."
I frowned back at Owen while Sodapop kept me pinned to the wall.
Darry reached up with his hand and pulled Soda's hand off of my right shoulder. Soda took the cue, let me go and stepped back from me with his eyes on our brother.
A bit labored, Darry bent down and picked my two books up off the dining room floor.
"What did you get to read?" Darry stood up and read the titles of the books. Tactics of a Good Defense Attorney, How to Win with Reasonable Doubt. Darry's blue eyes connected with mine. "You worried?"
I shrugged my shoulders because I didn't know if I wanted to tell Darry that I was scared to death the defense would twist the truth and win.
"You know I only want what's best for you, right?" Darry collected the two books in one hand and looked me in the eye. "You know it's my job to raise you the rest of the way since mom and dad can't. It's just hard sometimes, because I'm not a dad, you know? But I'm trying. It's just that it's been such a hard year with all the trouble and such. I just want you to have the best. You've got to believe that."
I sniffled back the emotions I didn't want to show. I looked to Sodapop and knew he and Darry were still in agreement that I should be sent away. Furious, I grabbed my books out of Darry's hand and barked, "Whatever helps you sleep at night."
Then I pushed past him and sprinted to my room where I had to shimmy through the door because the dresser and bed were still sitting where I had left them. I pushed my door shut behind me and stood next to the window where my bed usually sat. Instantly, my arms fell limp and the books tumbled to the floor again. The truth burned inside of me, and I hated that Darry was right. It had been a hard year, and my brothers had probably suffered enough with the death of our parents, our friends and the trauma Ponyboy and I had put them through. I hung my head and sobbed so hard that I didn't hear the soft knock at the door or hear Owen slip into the room. It was only as he put his hand on my shoulder that I jumped away and knew he was there.
I wiped my eyes and looked at him as he looked back at me. He didn't speak, but I knew what he was saying.
"You agree with Darry, don't you?" I cried out.
Owen shrugged his shoulders and spoke softly, "He loves you, and if I had to go through what he has gone through in the last year I am not sure I would do it any differently."
"That's just great!" I threw my hands up and cried. "So everyone wants me gone."
"Nobody wants you gone!" Owen raised the level of his voice to subdue my irrational statement. "You know… all night long I've been asking myself. Would I do things any differently if I was Darry and you were Olivia? All I can tell myself is, probably not. In fact, if I knew of a way to get Olivia out of the house and away from my mother I would do it in a heartbeat. I know how Darry feels, because I am sick and tired of saving her too. I'm sick of having to worry about what is happening when I'm not home or having to jump in front of my mother's angry hand or a broom stick all because a seven year old little girl dripped ice cream on the concrete patio. I'm sick of hiding the bruises or listening to my sister cry in the middle of the night. She didn't ask to be my mother's bastard child, it's not her fault. So if I knew she could be sent away some place safe I'd do it in a heartbeat." Owen calmed down, and looked away from me. "So yeah, maybe I just want to know that you'll be safe, and maybe I agree with Darry more than I want to."
My jaw dropped and I stared back at Owen, who couldn't bring himself to look at me. My mind was screaming a dozen thoughts. My mouth opened, and shared just one. "So maybe you should go." I said coldly.
Owen looked back at me. He seemed wounded by my words. "You don't really mean that."
"Yes I do." I said curtly.
Owen paused a moment and looked at me as if he were studying me or trying to read my mind. Disappointed, he surrendered with out a fight. "Then perhaps I should."
Owen took a step forward, leaned over, and picked the library books up off of the floor. He stood up tall and handed the books to me. I accepted the items as Owen looked at me, his eyes wet with tears. "Just remember, everyone here tonight loves you. We are not your enemy, James is. So be sure to make him pay for everything he has done to all of us." Then Owen turned away and walked out of the room closing the door behind him.
My only reaction was to stand idle in confusion. My life seemed to be getting to where I didn't know up from down, or left from right. I hated that everything Owen said made sense, but no matter how I looked at the situation I couldn't imagine going back to Ashford and never living at home again. The thought of losing contact with everyone in my life who mattered to me only further stirred my temper. Looking to argue my point one more time with my brothers I left my room in a mood, but slowed in the hallway at the sound of Owen's voice arguing for me.
"…Oh shut up, Steve! What were you doing when you were fifteen years old? Probably skipping class and screwing off! I bet you hadn't heard a gun shot, or watched your friend die, or fought for your own life. And on top of it all I bet you never knew the stress and pressure of testifying at a trial in order to protect yourself and your family!" I didn't hear anyone argue with him even though he had left a pause in his rant for rebuttal. "Everyone here needs to just leave her alone and get off of her case because if she doesn't calm down and focus she could mess up in court and that animal will be back on the streets free to roam the city or the state! And if that happens no place will be safe for her. No place! All of us need to stop thinking of what they want from Scout and start figuring out what she needs from us! She shouldn't have to feel like she is so alone."
Owen waited a moment again for anyone to disagree with him, but no one responded. So he bid the group good night and walked out of the house. After the front door closed I heard the soft murmur of conversation and footsteps in the kitchen. I couldn't make out what was being said, but I was sure the conversation was about me. Frustrated, I dropped my gaze to the wooden floor beneath my feet. Before I could start a thought I heard the floor boards creak. I jerked my head up in surprise and found Two-Bit coming towards me.
He looked at me with his round eyes and spoke gently. "Hey Scout, can I get you something?"
I couldn't bring the words to my lips to tell him what I needed, but he already knew. He moved in close and gently wrapped his strong arms around me into a secure hold. I pressed my hands against his chest and laid my head on his shoulder. Then I sobbed as he held me in the dark hallway. It was just what I needed.