"Thanks for letting me do this alone," Deacon said, when he went for his first solo session with Dr. Harris.

"Not a problem. Are you comfortable starting by telling me about your relationship with Rayna?"

Deacon scowled. "I don't have a relationship with her. Not anymore."

"But you did. For many years. I'd like to understand your perspective about that."

Deacon looked puzzled. "Why? What does that have to do with my spending time with Maddie?"

Dr. Harris peered at him over the top of his glasses. "It doesn't, exactly. But your feelings about her, or lack thereof, do color the overall relationship the two of you must develop in order to be Maddie's parents. And I think it would help you to explore some of that history and how it got you to where we are today."

Deacon didn't like it. He didn't want to talk about Rayna. Everything he thought he knew about her seemed to be all messed up. "Alright," he said finally.

Dr. Harris waited a moment, but when Deacon didn't say anything else, he started again. "Talk to me about your early relationship with Rayna."

Deacon felt the anger rise up and he took a deep breath, trying to push it down. "I met her when she was first starting out. She needed a guitar player and Watty White hooked her up with me."

"How did that go?"

"It went good. We started working together. First I was just her guitar player, but later on we started writing together."

"So it was just a business relationship."

Deacon shook his head. "Not exactly. I mean, it wasn't like we were together right away, but it didn't take long. Plus her father kicked her out not long after I met her and she needed a place to stay."

"Was it a good relationship?"

Deacon breathed in sharply. "Back then, yeah. We were both pretty much on our own and we were working towards a common goal. It bonded us, I guess." He stopped and thought back to those days. She was pretty much an open book then. When had that changed?

"Did you always drink during the relationship?"

Deacon frowned. "Yeah, I guess. But it wasn't like it was a problem right away."

"What caused it to be a problem?"

This was what Deacon had worked on all those times in rehab. It was what the counselors always wanted to talk about. This question, at least, was easy. "A lot of things. First, my father was a drunk. A mean drunk. That's what I grew up with. I tried not to follow in his footsteps, but it happened. And then, this business is tough. It was a way to cope with some of that. My problem was that I couldn't control it. It got out of hand too easy."

Dr. Harris nodded and made a note. Then he looked back at Deacon. "Did any of it have to do with the fact that Rayna was the one that got the accolades and the stardom?"

Deacon scowled. "No. I always supported Rayna. I was happy for her. I didn't need to be the star, not like she needed to be."

"So it didn't bother you to be out of the spotlight? You never wanted that for yourself?"

Deacon was ready to deny it, but then he stopped to think. He remembered when he cut his album. He had thought then that he wanted his own career, but it hadn't happened. It had hurt at the time, but he'd gotten past it. They had been a duo when they first started out, equal billing. But Rayna was the one with the star power. She was the one that the labels wanted, Rayna as a solo artist. He was glad to support Rayna and be part of her success. "Maybe," he said finally. "I guess there was a time when I did want that. But when Rayna started getting the attention, I didn't want it as much. Or maybe it was just that I didn't need it as much." He stopped to think. "If I had had my own career, I don't know if Rayna and I would have made it. I think I wanted her more than I wanted all the fame."

"Did you ever resent her for that?"

He shook his head. "I don't think so. When I recorded my record, she was right there with me, being supportive. When it didn't sell, she was just as disappointed as I was." He frowned at Dr. Harris. "We were a team. We supported each other."

Dr. Harris looked at him and nodded. "How many times were you in rehab?"

"Five."

"And how supportive was Rayna during that time?"

Deacon looked away and worked his lip. "At first, very supportive. But after a while, it seemed like all we did was fight about it. She was always angry, seemed like. I think she wanted to help and she wanted to be encouraging, but I know I made it hard." He looked sharply at Dr. Harris. "She didn't give up on me until long after she should have. Back then, I believed in her and she believed in me. I just didn't make it easy."

"Tell me about your relationship with Teddy Conrad."

Deacon frowned. "I don't have a relationship with Teddy Conrad," he said, his voice sharp.

Dr. Harris looked over his glasses. Deacon hated when he did that. "You've never interacted with him at all? Talked to him, had contact with him?"

Deacon huffed. "Sure, I've been around him. But not often. We don't really have anything to say to each other."

"What about now, with Maddie?"

"I haven't talked to Teddy about Maddie."

Dr. Harris looked at him intently. "I know what your reaction to Rayna has been, but what about Teddy? After all, he was involved with the decisions about Maddie before she was born. And he's been her father all these years."

Deacon's eyes got dark. "I never liked Teddy. I was mad when Rayna married him. And he was always kind of a jackass whenever he was around me. Talking down to me, treating me like I was garbage. I think he always thought of me as a drunk, even though I was sober."

"How do you feel about the fact that he was involved in the decisions about Maddie?"

Deacon rubbed his face. "Well, now that I know, it doesn't surprise me that he would have suggested lying to me to Rayna."

"Do you feel that he should have some of the blame for what's happened?"

Deacon thought about that. "Maybe. I guess. But she didn't have to go along with it, so it's mostly on her."

"Have you seen him since this all came to light?"

"Not really. He drops off Maddie sometimes, but he never comes to the door. I think, based on some things Maddie has said, he doesn't like her spending time with me." He looked down at his hands. "I hate to say it, but Maddie is a really good kid. She's smart and she's got good manners and she's just a really good kid. They did a good job raising her. I have to feel at least a little grateful for that." He looked back up, his face tight. "That doesn't mean everything's okay. The fact that she's a good kid is a good thing, but that doesn't change the fact that I was lied to for the last thirteen years."

"I understand."

Deacon got up suddenly and walked over to the window, his hands in his pockets. "Teddy Conrad lied to me the same as Rayna did. I don't know what makes people think they can do that to someone else. I'm not a bad person. I was a drunk, but I got sober. And I've been sober for thirteen years. And they let me be around Maddie her whole life. Who does that? What kind of people can sleep at night and do that?"

Dr. Harris looked at Deacon. "Let's talk about your family, Deacon. You mentioned before that your father was an alcoholic and that it wasn't a good family situation. Why don't you tell me about that?"

Deacon frowned. "I guess he was always a drunk. I don't ever remember him not drinking. He was a mean drunk."

"What do you mean by 'mean drunk'?"

Deacon took a deep breath. "He hit us. He threw things. He broke stuff."

"What was it like growing up with that?"

"It was scary. You never knew what would set him off. Sometimes he'd drink so much that he'd pass out and that was good, because you knew you weren't going to get hit that day. But most times you could expect to be hit or he would yell and insult us. I would always try to stay out of his way, but it was hard."

"Tell me about your family."

Deacon looked at him warily. "What's that got to do with this?"

"I'd just like to understand your background."

Deacon sat back and rubbed his face. "My mom tried to protect me and my sister, but she couldn't. He beat her down so much that she was too afraid, most of the time. I feel like she was always just trying to save herself and she didn't have much left for Beverly and me."

"How did that make you feel?"

Deacon looked up, his eyebrows raised. His eyes got a hard look to them. "How do you think? I was a kid. I was scared. I never knew when my dad would get mad at some little thing I did and go off on me. Beat me, tell me I was worthless, tell me I was going to be just like him. I wanted my mom to help me, but she couldn't. I felt sorry for her, but a part of me hated her for not stopping him. I mean, we were just kids and she wouldn't even protect us." He felt tears pricking his eyes and swiped at them roughly.

"Is she still alive?"

Deacon shook his head. "She died a long time ago. Not too long after I left Natchez."

"What about your father?"

"He died about ten years ago. Drank himself to death, basically."

"When was the last time you saw him?"

"The day I left Mississippi. He'd beat up my mom, again, and I'd had enough. I couldn't save her so I decided to save myself. And my sister. Except she didn't really want to be saved either."

"Tell me about your sister."

"Beverly was a little over a year older than me. We were close growing up. We had to be. We just had each other. She was supposed to leave with me. We were going to come to Nashville and she was going to sing and I'd play guitar. But she had a boyfriend and she didn't want to leave him, so she didn't."

"Are you two still close?"

"Not really. She thinks I abandoned her. She got married and had a baby and then the marriage broke up. So she thinks that's my fault somehow. I always sent her money and I helped out with Scarlett – that's my niece – as much as I could, but Beverly had her own problems."

"What kind of problems?"

Deacon worked his lip. "I turned into a drunk, just like our daddy. She went crazy, just like our mama."

"Crazy how?"

"She's bi-polar. She's been in and out of mental hospitals. When it gets to be too much for her, she goes off her meds and ends up in the hospital." He looked up at Dr. Harris. "We both had our own ways of getting through things. That was hers. Mine was whiskey."

"But you were able to overcome it."

Deacon nodded. "Yeah. But not after I destroyed everything good I had in my life." He looked pensive. "Rayna was the best thing in my life. She was so much more than I ever thought I deserved, but she loved me. She really loved me. And I screwed that up. I pushed her and pushed her and pushed her and she finally gave up on me." He looked at Dr. Harris. "I may not have hit her like my daddy did my mama, but I hurt her in a hundred other ways."

"Did she know about your family history?"

He shook his head. "Not really. She only met Beverly and she knew Beverly was all messed up. I didn't really talk to her much about my parents. Just like she didn't talk a lot about hers. Except that we had to deal with Lamar." He made a face. "I didn't want her to know."

"Maybe it would have helped her to understand all of that."

Deacon shrugged. "Maybe. But that's all water under the bridge now."

"Is it?"

He nodded, suddenly feeling a lump in his throat. "Yeah," he said. "It is."

"How did you feel, knowing that you were an alcoholic like your father?" Dr. Harris asked.

Deacon breathed out and then frowned. "I lied to myself for a long time about that. Even after Rayna sent me to rehab the first time, I told myself I wasn't like my father. That I just had a drinking problem, that I wasn't a drunk."

"Why was that?"

Deacon looked up at Dr. Harris and scowled. "I didn't want to be him." He worked his lip. "It took me a long time to be able to say I was a drunk. I knew that once I said I was, I couldn't escape it. It would always be hanging over me. That he would be right, all those times he told me I was gonna be just like him."

"But you weren't. Just like him. You didn't hit Rayna."

Deacon shook his head. "No, I didn't. But I broke things. I smashed bottles and furniture. I hit other people, got into fights. I didn't show up for rehearsals and shows. I broke her heart. In a million different ways. I might as well have hit her, for all the pain I caused her."

"Do you think your drinking played a part in why the two of you never got married?"

Deacon nodded. "Probably. We talked about getting married, probably more in the beginning than later on. But in the beginning we were building our careers and it was a hard life for someone who wanted to get married and have a family. I knew Rayna wanted kids. It was something she dreamed about. And I was scared about that."

"About being a father?"

"Yeah. I didn't want to be like my father and hurt my kids." He wiped away a tear. "I never wanted to be that kind of dad." He looked up at Dr. Harris. "I won't be that kind of dad to Maddie. I will never hurt her like that." Suddenly he stopped and narrowed his eyes at Dr. Harris. "Is all of this your way of trying to get me to let Rayna off the hook for lying to me? Because it's not going to work."

Dr. Harris shook his head. "No, not at all. But now that you're building this new relationship with Maddie, you need to start to figure out how to move on from some of this anger. Because if you don't, it could spill into that relationship and you could damage what you've built so far. That's not what you want, is it?"

Deacon frowned. "No."

"In an ideal situation, you and Rayna would be able to move beyond this, figure out a way to put it aside, even if you don't 'let her off the hook', as you say. For Maddie's sake. That's what we're here for, right? To help you and Rayna be able to co-parent?

"Yeah," Deacon responded reluctantly. He hated dredging up all these old feelings. It was starting to make him feel like, at least when she found out she was pregnant, that she was justified in some of what she did. He just wasn't ready to concede that just yet.

"So, you've been spending time with Maddie?" Dr. Harris asked.

Deacon nodded. "Yeah. She comes over a couple times a week, every other week, for guitar lessons."

"Just guitar lessons?"

"No, we talk too. But we have music in common. And that helps."

"Helps with what?"

"The awkwardness, I guess. It gives us something to talk about that isn't, you know. About what happened."

Dr. Harris frowned a little bit. "Have you ever talked to Maddie about that?"

Deacon nodded. "Yeah, a little, in the beginning. But it feels like we should just get on with getting to know each other."

Dr. Harris made a note. "Well, I can understand that. It's painful for both of you to think about, but I think it might help the two of you to be able to talk about the fact that you were hurt. Certainly for you to be able to offer comfort and support to Maddie."

"But how do I do that without bringing up Rayna?"

"Just tell her that you understand how confusing it is and let her know she can ask you anything she wants. I don't want you to badmouth Rayna, because that doesn't help. But you can support her as she works through all the change in her life. Just let her know you're there for her. And if she wants to talk, be as honest as you can without getting into a situation where you tear down her mother."

"We've talked before about your reluctance to marry Rayna. Did you ever actually ask her to marry you?"

Deacon shook his head, then stopped and shrugged. "If I did, I don't remember. I did buy her a ring. I carried it around with me for a long time, just too scared to ask her. I thought she'd tell me no. I mean, I knew she loved me, but I didn't make it easy on her, so I don't know what she would have done. I do remember one time being pretty sure I was gonna ask her, but that had more to do with her dating Teddy, I think. I couldn't think about her being with him without getting so mad. So I thought about asking her then." He stopped and worked his lip, breathing in and out slowly. "I don't know what happened," he whispered, "but I don't have that ring anymore. I guess I lost it, probably when I was drunk." He swallowed over a lump in his throat and swiped at his eyes. He was pissed at himself for getting emotional like this over her. He looked at Dr. Harris with a sad smile. "But she went on to marry Teddy, so I guess it wouldn't have mattered anyway."

"I know you were in Rayna's band for many years, after she had Maddie."

"Thirteen years," Deacon replied, his voice testy.

"Why do you think she invited you back in her band?"

Deacon thought about that. She had told him, at the time, that she needed him. That he was the best guitar player. That he made her a better artist. Now he wasn't sure. "She needed a guitar player," he said. "I didn't have a job at the time, so she hired me."

"What was it like working for her all those years?"

Deacon gave him an odd look. "It was a good gig, steady money. I got to do one of the things I do well, which is play guitar and sing. It was a good situation for me, in some ways."

"How do you mean?"

Deacon sighed. "I guess, because she had the girls, first Maddie, then Daphne too, she didn't run a year-round schedule. We'd tour mostly in the summer, then take time off, and then record an album in the winter. So I could do other things. Write songs, play around town. I got a gig playing every third Thursday at the Bluebird."

"Did you and Rayna write songs together then?"

"After I got sober? Yeah. We did. We didn't write any love songs, like we used to, but yeah, we wrote together. I think she liked writing with me and she was a good songwriting partner."

"What was your relationship like then with Rayna?"

Deacon frowned. "I worked for her. We were friends. She could bounce ideas off me."

"There were no romantic feelings?"

"She was married. Why would there have been?" Deacon's tone was curt.

"She had broken up with you. Married another man. Had a child. She'd moved on with her life and had told you you didn't have a place in it. Yet she hired you for her band. You didn't think anything about that? You didn't have any feelings about that?"

Damn, this guy was pushy. Deacon's face was fierce, his jaw rigid. "Yeah, I had feelings for her then. But I couldn't do anything about them."

"Did you ever think she had feelings for you?"

"Yeah, I know she did." He was getting annoyed with this direction.

"Is that why she hired you? And kept you on?"

He glared at Dr. Harris, daring him to take it further. Dr. Harris wrote a few notes, then looked back at Deacon. He looked, for a moment, like he wanted to push the issue, but, mercifully, he dropped it.

As Deacon drove home from the session, he thought about the inference Dr. Harris made that Rayna wanted him in her band for himself. He'd often thought that was the case, although she'd never made an overt move towards him. In the beginning, when she'd set the ground rules, she'd adhered to them strictly. She never allowed herself to be alone with him, never encouraged anything beyond a friendship. But as time went on, the lines were blurred. She started turning to him as a confidante and he wondered if she wanted more of him. Even while she was pregnant with Daphne, she seemed to need him to be close. It was confusing, but he had honored the boundaries.

They were best friends again. She'd always been his best friend, not just his girlfriend. They were family and they shared things they didn't share with anyone else. She'd started sharing again, everything except about Teddy. There had been a lot of times when they'd almost crossed the line. The only time they had was that night after she came to the Bluebird, when she'd sat in his truck and they'd kissed. When he'd let that embolden him the night they sang at a fundraiser for Teddy, everything had gone off the rails. She had fired him the next day and it had taken them a while to get past that.

She had implied that she'd kept him around for Maddie's sake, but he thought maybe it was more for her own. And that left him even more confused than ever.

"So now that you're spending more time with Maddie, how do you see things going with Rayna?"

Deacon sat back and rubbed his face with his hands. Then he looked at Dr. Harris. "I'm not sure."

"What are things like now?"

"She drops her off and picks her up, most times. She only comes to the door when she picks her up."

"Do the two of you talk?"

Deacon shook his head. "Not much. If she has something to tell me about Maddie, she will. But that's it."

"So the two of you haven't had a real conversation about Maddie? Anything about her?"

"No."

Dr. Harris put down his notebook. "Deacon, I'm going to be a little more directive here. You've known about Maddie for about seven months now. You've been spending time with her for quite a while. But for Maddie, this is like having two separate lives. I know you and Rayna aren't together, but you should talk about what's going on in your daughter's life. She's definitely talking to Teddy about that, you can be sure of that. But at this point, she should be talking to you also."

Deacon sighed. "I don't want her to get the wrong idea."

"What wrong idea would that be?"

"That I'm forgiving her. That she's off the hook."

"I don't think she's going to think that. I think you've been very clear about that. But you two need to figure out how to be parents together. I want you to think about that and how you might get to that point. For Maddie's sake."

Deacon didn't know what to say. He wasn't sure how to make that happen. He was starting to get to the point where he didn't want to be angry all the time, but he didn't want to mislead Rayna either. This being a parent stuff was tough, he decided.

"So, Deacon, do you think forgiveness is a possibility?"

Deacon frowned. "I don't know. I thought I knew her. She's always been good at covering up what's inside, for the public. I always thought that was because of me and my drinking, but I think it goes back further than that. I believe that we shared as much as we'd ever share with anyone, with each other. If you ask her, she'd say the same. But obviously, even with that, we had secrets. Both of us. But this was something I wouldn't have expected. It was calculating, it was deliberate, it was something she decided to do. And I've never seen that in her before. So maybe it's possible that I could forgive her someday, but I'm nowhere close to that now.

Dr. Harris put down his notebook. "Deacon, I want to give you a little something to think about. Forgiveness often gets associated with spiritual or religious actions, but it's much more than that. And many people feel like you do, that if they forgive the other person, it means that person's off the hook or that they've let that person believe what they did was okay. But that's just not true. People can ask for forgiveness and you can choose to give it or not. But understand that forgiveness is for you. In this case, it's for you and Maddie, not for Rayna. You aren't absolving her of what happened if you forgive her. You're moving past it. And you're not letting it have control over you anymore."

"But won't she think it means she's not accountable anymore?"

"No. You can forgive her without saying what she did was okay. It's for you. You're developing a good relationship with your daughter but we're almost nine months from when you found out and you can still barely speak to her mother. You're holding on to the pain and the anger and you need to let it go. It doesn't mean it's not valid pain, it means you're not going to let it define you or harm your relationship with your daughter."

"Don't hang on to the mad," Deacon murmured. Dr. Harris looked at him questioningly. "Something someone said to me. That I was holding on to the mad."

"That's a good way to put it. I know it feels strange right this moment but go home and think about it. If you remove the burden of your pain and anger, it could speed up the healing. You and Rayna do need to function together as parents. Forgiving her and moving past it can help."

Deacon and Coleman went to their usual diner after their meeting on Saturday. Coleman had noticed Deacon seemed distracted at the meeting and he seemed distracted now. "What's going on, Deacon?" he asked.

Deacon looked up. "What makes you think something's going on?"

"You're distracted. You've said very little today."

Deacon lifted his coffee cup and took a sip. When he put the cup back down, he tapped it with his fingertips. He looked out the window, then back at Cole. "Dr. Harris wants me to forgive Rayna."

Coleman raised his eyebrows. "And you don't want to." It was more a statement than a question.

"I always thought forgiving someone meant you let 'em get away with whatever it was. That they got a free pass. He says forgiveness is for me."

Coleman nodded. "He's right. And maybe it is time for you to do that, put this all behind you and move on. As long as you can't get past it, you won't ever be able to figure out what's next. Trust me, it really takes a load off your mind."

"I don't know…."

"Look. I get how you're feeling. What Rayna did was wrong. I agree with you. I mean, I love Rayna like family, but she should have told you a long time ago. But you know now. And if you don't let it go, you'll never be free of it." He paused a moment. "So I think you should give it some serious thought."

Deacon looked at him and nodded.

Deacon sat down and looked at Dr. Harris. "So Maddie invited me to an open mic she's going to perform in."

"That's great. Something the two of you can share."

"Rayna's gonna be there."

Dr. Harris nodded. "Did you know that when Maddie asked you?"

"Yeah, I did. She told me that Teddy and Daphne were gonna be out of town, so it'll just be Rayna and me there."

"Do you think Maddie might have done that purposely?"

Deacon nodded. "Yeah. She's been asking a lot of questions about Rayna and me. About what things were like back when we were together."

"She needs to know where she comes from."

Deacon sat for a moment, working his lip. He finally looked back at Dr. Harris. "I guess we'll see if I can do this forgiveness thing. For Maddie's sake."