Genre: Humour/Drama
Disclaimer: I do not own Gintama or any of the characters, except for the unknown guy cloaked in dark robes.
Gintama: Smackdown Arc
The trio of Yorozuya Gin-chan were huddled around the table where there was a scroll, fancifully tied with a ribbon, placed neatly on it. The scroll was a faint yellow, and for some reason, distinctly wet. The trio simply stared at it, none seeming to relish the prospect of handling it.
"Why are we staring at this scroll-looking thing, Gin-san?" Shinpachi asked, breaking the silence. "And why is it wet? Even if it was tied so nicely, the fact that it's faint yellow and wet just makes me feel like washing my hands!"
"Really?" Gintoki said. "I don't have that feeling though. Why is that so? Have I achieved enlightenment? Am I a holy man? Tell me, Shinpachi-kun, do you see a white aura permeating from me?"
"No, Gin-san, all I see is a natural perm who has a dirty habit of not washing his hands every single time he uses the toilet," Shinpachi said.
"What could this scroll be?" Kagura asked, looking curiously with sparkling, blue eyes. "I'm curious! Could it be a love letter? Somebody could have been admiring me from far for a long time already, uh huh. What should I do? Should I accept it or send him to the moon, Gin-chan?"
Gintoki gave Kagura a sharp rap on the head.
"Kagura-chan, what have I told you about men? They are definitely not to be trusted," Gintoki chided. "Especially those who deliver love letters. Only men with no ball sacks will send love lette-"
A sudden gust of wind sent something flying down from the top of the cabinet.
"What is this?" Kagura inquired, stretching out a hand to grab it. "Looks like a piece of paper to me, yup. Wow, there are words on it! Hmm, let me see if I can read it, uh huh."
"Kagura-chan," Gintoki said softly, face turning pale. "I think we should focus on the love letter instead. You won't want to miss a declaration of love from some prince in a foreign country, do you? Come on, throw that piece of crap away and-"
Kagura began to read the piece of paper aloud.
"Dear Samanfa, I has alway ben admifing yo form far. You are the most beetiful porson I has evar meet. I wild be so glared to-"
"Give it here, Kagura-chan," Shinpachi stood and took the letter from her. Sitting down, he said," Your reading is causing me to have cancer."
"You wanna die?" Kagura raised a fist, glaring. "You wanna die so bad, damn four eyes? I will send you to the moon, you idiot otaku, uh huh!"
Ignoring his imminent death, Shinpachi cleared his throat and spoke.
"Dear Samantha, I have always been admiring you from far. You are the most beautiful person I have ever met. I would be so glad if you would agree to have a cup of tea with me. If you are willing, let's meet at the Starbucks near the okama shop at 4PM this afternoon. Sincerely, Gin…"
Shinpachi and Kagura stared at Gintoki pointedly.
"Haha," Gintoki mumbled, waving his hands in protest. "That wasn't me, I swear. That is like, the Ginpachi guy from class 3Z in middle school. Really, that guy sure irritates me, writing a love letter and throwing it in his friend's house. Gee-"
"Enough, Gin-san" Shinpachi said darkly. "Not another word or-"
"You damn natural perm!" Kagura yelled, shaking Gintoki by the front of his shirt. "How dare you play with a maiden's heart like that? You don't even dare to send a love letter and you have the balls to criticize those who do? Apologize to me now, you bastard!"
"Enough, Kagura-chan," Shinpachi said, approaching the scroll. "Let's just open up your love letter and-"
Bam
"Oi, what was that for?!" Shinpachi shouted as he slowly sat up, nursing a bruised cheek.
"Don't you watch romantic animes, idiot otaku? It's always the heroine who opens the love letters, not some masochistic side character with glasses, uh huh," Kagura said as she untied the ribbon from the scroll and unrolled its contents.
"Huh, what's this?" Kagura commented, screwing her eyebrows in concentration. "I don't see any 'love' or 'see my tower of babel' words on here, nope."
"What are you talking about?" Gintoki said, taking the scroll from her. "It's bound to be some X-rated stuff that can't be published with a K+ rating on Fanficti- What the heck is this?"
"What's wrong with you two?" Shinpachi edged nearer to take a closer look. "Is it something involving tentacle- What the hell is this?"
The trio simply stared at the contents of the scroll, dumbfounded.
The wooden doors snapped open. They turned around.
"Oi, Yorozuya," the woman with the cat-ears, Catherine called. She was holding a poster aloft. "Have you seen this? This piece of shit has been on all the walls of Kabukicho."
The trio read the words on the poster aloud.
"Attention, KabukiFans! I am pleased to announce that Sakata Gintoki and Tendou Isshin will be competing for the Kabukicho championship title this Thursday at 4PM in KabukiMania! Will the king of the four Devas keep his title or will the mysterious challenger pull off an upset? Be sure to show your support! This match is strictly pay-per-view, so please book your tickets now at the nearest KabukiMania counter now! Disclaimer: No copyrights of any kind have been violated."
They turned back to their scroll.
"To Sakata Gintoki,
I, Tendou Isshin, hereby declare a formal swordsmanship challenge to you on this Thursday, 4PM at KabukiMania. Please send me a reply with your signature indicating your preferred stage attire, make up, sword and manager. If you do not wish to accept my challenge, please send this scroll back to me within two working days.
Sincerely, Tendou Isshin
P.S. I was so excited for the match that I actually did all the preparations before I sent you the actual challenge letter. My apologies there! I have distributed the publicity poster all around Kabukicho, so I'm sure you will want to give your loyal fans a good show. See you there!
P.S.S. I actually got a case of stage fright. What should I do?
P.S.S.S. Add an I between the P and S and remove the last S. Haha, hilarious, isn't it? I only just found it out!"
There were a few seconds of absolutely awkward silence.
"Well," Catherine said appraisingly. "Looks like Otose-san will be able to get all her overdue rental fees back."
"Huh?" Gintoki said, looking stonily at her. "Is the sky gonna rain money or something? Or did she finally decide to give up her perverted shop and retire at the land of the Old Grannies? Great choice there, I must say."
"What the hell are you saying, you damn natural perm!" Otose said, turning up beside Catherine. "Since you are the one fighting, I placed a huge bet with the bookmaker in charge of the fight. If you win, I will get back all the damn rental fees you owed me for like an eternity."
"Just a warning for you, natural perm," Catherine said. "It's not just Otose who bet on you. Otae has also spent her savings on this fight. She was saying that if it was Gin-san, she will surely win enough money to restart her dojo." She paused and gave a sinister grin. "She also said that if Gin-san somehow lost,it won't just be defeat for him. The whole of Kabukicho will see a beheaded head with natural perm hair being hung on the Kabukicho bridge."
"Better win it then," Otose said, turning around to leave. "Or I will kick your sorry asses out of this house."
The wooden doors closed.
"Hang on," Gintoki said, closing his eyes in concentration. "What the hell just happened? It was like an information bomb was just fired at me. What's this, Neon Genesis Evangelion? Oiii, somebody tell me what the hell just happened!"
"Ane-ue…" Shinpachi muttered, looking dazed. "Ane-ue gambled all her savings? Are you joking with me? All her savings? WHAT THE HELL, ANE-UE, GIVE ME BACK ALL THE MONEY I GAVE YOU FROM MY PART TIME JOBS," he started yelling. "HOW COULD YOU BET ALL YOUR MONEY ON THIS USELESS FELLOW? IT'S SUICIDE, ANE-UE, SUICIDE!"
"Shut up, damn four eyes," Kagura grumbled. "I'm pissed that somebody had sent a love letter to Gin-chan and not me, nope. So you better close that big mouth of yours before I do it for you, uh huh."
"How was that a love letter?!" Shinpachi demanded. "That was a blatant challenge letter to Gin-san and somehow my sister is going to lose all her hard-earned savings… and mine!"
He began banging his head on the wall, mumbling," This is all just a bad joke; this is all just a bad joke. I will wake up if I lose enough blood. Please let me wake up!"
"Shinpachi-kun," Gintoki gritted his teeth as he pulled Shinpachi away from the wall. "You won't just wake up if you continued doing that. You will wake up in an entirely different world!"
"I'm doomed," Shinpachi shook his head as he struggled to free himself from Gintoki's grip. "I will have to eat Ane-ue's food for the rest of my life. I'm doomed."
"Calm yourself, Shinpachi!" Kagura said. "Anego's food isn't that bad, after all. It was still made out of eggs, uh huh."
"What do you mean, made out of," Shinpachi said. "Has it somehow mutated into something else from eggs? Is that what you are trying to say? That does not comfort me one bit, Kagura-chan!"
"Hm? Tendou Isshin?" Gintoki said, seeming to recall something.
Shinpachi and Kagura looked at him.
"You know him, Gin-san?" Shinpachi inquired.
"No, not really," Gintoki said. "Just thought of something, that's all. In any case…"
He stood up.
"Rest assured, Shinpachi-kun. I might be bad at gambling, but when people choose to bet on me, I will not disappoint them like those damn slot machines," he said.
"Gin-san!" Shinpachi said, looking up with appreciative eyes. "You are going to fight in front of the whole of Kabukicho?"
"I have no choice, do I?" Gintoki said, hands slotted in his robes. "Those idiotic women will lose their fortunes if I do not turn up, after all. A samurai has got to uphold his own code, regardless of whether it was forced on him or not."
"Gin-chan!" Kagura exclaimed admiringly.
"Ah hang on," Gintoki said. "I guess I am not going after all. The 'Walking Dead' is having re runs at 4PM this Thursday and I don't want to miss out on-"
"Go to hell, idiot!" Shinpachi blustered.