Gintama - Smackdown Arc Chapter 4: HIP, a gintama fanfic

Genre: Humour/Drama

Disclaimer: I do not own Gintama or any of the characters, except for the unknown guy cloaked in dark robes.

Gintama: Smackdown Arc

"Another prologue?! Just when are you gonna get started with my fight, you piece of shit?!"

Sorry, Gin-san. I just felt that I have to mention some other characters before I get going with your part. Gets the momentum going,you know?

"Just what kind of momentum will that have? Even the readers who pitied you and checked out your work will get turned off, you damn idiot otaku!"

Okay, okay, stop throwing all those things at me! Chapter 5 of the Smackdown Arc will hereby commence!

"I swear I am so going to report to FanFiction! You hear me?! I am going to-"

Toshiro took in the sheer number of people in the stands.

"Why the hell are there so many people at a mere duel?" he commented. "More importantly, why are we here as well, Kondo-san? Shouldn't we be patrolling the streets now?"

Kondo was evidently searching for somebody.

"Toshi, this is part of our job as well," he said, craning his neck. "We are here just in case the duel gets out of hand and civilians get caught in their fight. It's not like I came here just to look for somebody. Really, it's definitely not because of that."

"Yeah, I will believe you if you stop moving that neck of yours for one second," Toshiro replied, sighing and lighting up a cigarette.

"Who's fighting in this duel, anyway?" Sougo asked, staring at the arena. "If it's some untalented swordsmen with no skills, I might just kill the entire crowd here out of boredom. Is that fine, Hijikata-san? It's fine, isn't it? Thank you for the approval, Hijikata-san."

"Like hell it's fine, damn Sougo," Toshiro blustered. "I don't really care who's fighting, actually. I just want to get out of here as soon as I can-"

"Ladies and gentlemen, after checking the time on my Rolex, I'm pleased to announce the official commencement of the match between the king of Kabukicho, Sakata Gintoki, and the mysterious challenger, Tendou Isshin-kamiyu," the announcer declared.

The cigarette fell out of Toshiro's mouth.

"What the hell did I just hear? Oi, Sougo, what did that guy say just now?" he asked.

"Oh? Boss is fighting?" Sougo commented, completely ignoring Toshiro. "Guess I won't need to kill everyone here already, then. Aren't you glad, Hijikata-san?"

"The hell I am!" he replied. "What the hell is that damn samurai doing? And what is with the 'King of Kabukicho'? I swear that if it's some illegal stuff, I'm arresting the guy."

"I feel that 'Boss of Kabukicho' will be a more appropriate term for Boss, though," Sougo said. "King just does not have that aura to it, you know?"

"I don't care whether it's King or Queen! I just want to know what's happening here!"

"Toshi, relax," Kondo said. "Yorozuya will never do anything that is against the law. Just enjoy the fight while I look for Ota-"

"You said it, didn't you? You said you were searching for Otae!"

"I didn't," Kondo replied, maintaining a composed expression while casting his gaze as far as possible. "I definitely didn't, Toshi. How long have you known me? Would I ever do something as despicable as stalking?"

"Don't you do it every single day?!"

"And without further ado," the announcer spoke into his microphone. "Let the warriors enter the arena-kamiyu."

Despite himself, Toshiro settled back onto his chair and lighted up another cigarette.

"Guess I will just have to sit this one out, then," he thought, exhaling a puff of smoke.

"What have I been doing with my life?" the man with the ragged clothes and a pair of sunglasses on his nose thought to himself. "I have no job, my wife has left me, I spend my days sleeping on benches in the park and I have no goal in life. Truly, I am one true MADAO."

Roaming the street aimlessly, he was walking by an electronics store when something caught his ear.

Hasegawa Taizou tracked back and found himself looking at an empty ring in the TV. The stands were jam-packed, though.

"Gin-san?" he said softly to himself. He seemed to be recalling something…

"Hey, you there."

Hasegawa looks up. A fat, old man was looming over him.

"You look aimless in life. It's like you have lost a job, lost your wife and could only sleep on benches like you are doing now. Am I right?"

Hasegawa sat up, amazed by the old man's perception.

"Old man, how did you know…?" he asked.

"I am the Master of Rumours," the old man proclaimed. "There's nothing I don't know. I even know the winning number at the lottery corner a week later."

"Really, what is it?"

"It will be a variation from the numbers 0000 to 9999."

"Err, I'm not asking for the definition, I'm asking for the number."

"As I was saying, you looked aimless in life," the old man said. "That will not do, young man."

"Were you trying to change the topic, old man?!"

"Why don't you take a bet with me?"

"A bet?" Hasegawa repeated. "What bet?"

"A bet on the victor of the KabukiMania this Thursday."

"But I have no money. How do I place a bet?"

"Do not worry. I am a kind man, so I will be more than willing to accept that pair of sunglasses of yours as compensation."

"Errr, no, I can't place my sunglasses as a bet. It makes me, after all. Without it, I won't even be a MADAO. I will just be Gendo Ikari without glasses, you know?"

"How could you be so indecisive?!" the old man blustered. "Men should always look forward in life. How could you let a single possession take away your opinion of yourself?"

"But…"

The old man slowly turned around and looked at the sky.

"When a man has become a MADAO, no matter what happens, he will always remain a MADAO. All you have got to do is believe in yourself! As long as you dare to believe, nothing will be impossible!"

"In that case, could I recover from my MADAO status?"

"Sorry, that is impossible, even if you believed in yourself as hard as regular people strain in the toilet."

"Guess not, huh…" Hasegawa looked at the ground wistfully.

"But even still, do you dare to take that step with me?" the old man asked, looking at Hasegawa with a wise expression. "Do you dare to… believe?"

Hasegawa found himself wanting to agree with the old man's words. All of a sudden, his glasses did not feel so important anymore, as if a huge Angel has been lifted off his shoulders.

"Alright, old man, I will bet my identity. So, what are the choices?"

"Gin-san…" Hasegawa said as he stared at the TV. "I'm counting on you now. Without my sunglasses, I will probably initiate the Human Instrumentality Project, or the MADAO HIP."

"And without further ado," the speakers rumbled. "Let the warriors enter the arena-kamiyu."

"From the left side of the arena," Kozenigata announced. "We have the King of Kabukicho, Sakata Gintoki!"

A deep and haunting melody began to play around the arena. Fireworks were launched into the air as the entrance from the left side emitted a steady stream of smoke. Three figures were barely visible.

"Three?" Kozenigata looked at the piece of paper in front of him. "I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen. Alongside the King of Kabukicho are his managers, Kagura 'Gurako' Gura and Shimura 'Megane' Shinpachi."

"Why is my stage name 'Megane'?" a voice yelled from the smoke. "Who decided on that?! Why do I have to be the glasses man even here in the arena?! Oi, give me a reason!"

"It's because of that, you know," Kozenigata replied. "It's hard-boiled, that's why."

"How the hell is that hard-boiled? How is a pair of glasses hard-boiled? And why are you giving the managers stage names but not the actual fighter? Most important of all, why are you commentating? Don't you work for the government?!"

"You know the bitter taste that is left hanging in your mouth once you accomplished a difficult mission? That is precisely what I am feeling now. Thus, I'm here to sweeten the taste by watching a hard-boiled fight between two warriors-kamiyu."

"You accomplished a difficult mission? That is honestly hard to believe, Kozenigata-san."

The smoke finally cleared. Three individuals were positioned in a Charlie's Angel stance.

"That took long enough!" Gintoki shouted. "My legs were shaking from numbness already, you damn producer!"

"Yeah! Now, I need ten bowls of rice to recover all my energy, you bastards!" Kagura added.

"Just how much energy did you lose in those seconds?!" Shinpachi yelled. "Besides, let's get going already. I'm feeling pretty self-conscious with so many people staring at us."

"Patsuan, you should not let those people get to you," Gintoki chided. "You should always live life to the fullest without fearing the judgement of other people. After all, are you the one living your own life or are they the ones?"

"Are you in a position to say that, Gin-san?" Shinpachi asked, eyeing Gintoki critically. "Coming from a useless man who only plays pachinko and gets drunk, it could sound pretty misleading."

"Oi, where's my rice?!" Kagura hollered. "I'm gonna faint already, yup!"

"Stop asking for rice already, Kagura-chan! Why do you need energy anyway? You are not the one fighting! You are just supposed to stand there and shout support to Gin-san, that's all!" Shinpachi demanded.

"But, Shinpachi," Kagura said earnestly. "Didn't you watch all those WWE fights? The managers either always get hit by metal chairs or hit other people with metal chairs! I saw it, uh huh!"

"Kagura-chan, that's WWE. This is a samurai's showdown, not a WWE fight!"

"But, the title of this story is Gintama – Smackdown Arc. Shouldn't there be some wrestling? Like, a tombstone piledriver here and a chokeslam there?"

Kagura proceeded to grab Shinpachi by the waist from his back.

"OI, Kagura-chan! Don't do those practiced stunts on me-"

Kagura flung Shinpachi onto the floor.

"Stay down, Shinpachi!" Kagura said, before pinning him on the ground. She looked at Gintoki, who has somehow dressed himself in a WWE referee's uniform.

"1!" Gintoki yelled as he slapped the ground with his arm. "2!"

"Grrrr…." Shinpachi went as he tried to escape the pin.

"3!" Gintoki signalled for the victory.

"Yay, I won! Take that, you glasses!" Kagura screamed as she danced in a victory parade.

"That's not the point, is it?" Shinpachi said, dishevelled. "Let's just go into the ring already, can we? I can sense lots of hostile glances being cast our way even from here!"

"Oi, what are you guys doing?! Get the match started already!" the crowd in the stands yelled.

"Sorry! Sorry!" Shinpachi shouted to the spectators. "Sorr- OI, who just threw something at me? And why only me?! Why does the straight man always get the short end of the stick?! I'm gonna ask the gorilla to change me to a funny man, you hear me?! I will do it- OI, stop throwing already!"

The trio dodged all sorts of objects, one of which looked suspiciously like a bag of black, fried eggs and made their way to the perimeter of the ring.

"I'm going in, then," Gintoki said. "Now, I have a favour to ask of you two."

"What is it, Gin-chan?" Kagura asked, looking worried. "Do you have a stomachache? I told you not to eat so much sugary stuff before the school trip starts, didn't I? You just refuse to listen, don't you? Now see what happened, yup!"

"What are you, his mother?" Shinpachi turned to Gintoki. "Gin-san, what is it?"

Gintoki looked at the both of them.

"No matter what happens," he said. "You cannot intervene in the match. Even if I am going to die, do not come in. You hear me?"

"But-" the both of them tried to protest, but were silenced by Gintoki's serious gaze.

"Don't worry," Gintoki grinned and patted the top of their heads. "When have I ever lost a match when I'm serious? Just wait there for me and we will have some parfaits later on."

"And some sukonbu, yup!" Kagura chimed in, beaming.

Shinpachi hesitated, but nodded his head in the end. He gave a weak smile.

Gintoki leaped onto the ledger and entered through the ropes.

"From the right side, we have the mysterious challenger, Tendou Isshin! And alongside him are his managers, Nobuda 'Undertaker' Itai and Miyazaki 'Kane' Hayaki!" Kozenigata declared.

The arena suddenly lapsed into complete darkness.

Screams erupted from the stands. The sudden absence of light had caused the spectators to be reeling in shock.

"What in the world happened?" Kozenigata commented. "Has my eternal enemy finally come to claim my head? Come out, eternal enemy! I will drink kamiyu after I'm done with you-kamiyu."

"You just want to say kamiyu, don't you?!" Shinpachi, ever the straight man, shouted.

The lights, just as suddenly as they had gone out, were restored again.

Heavy sighs of relief were apparent in the stands. However, there seemed to be a figure dangling from his chair, butt facing up.

"Go to hell, gorilla!" a yell surfaced. It was without a doubt, the yell of Shimura Tae.

"Ane-ue?" Shinpachi mumbled. "She came to watch? Ane-ue, I'm here-"

"So, you are Sakata Gintoki?"

In the ring, where there was only Gintoki just a moment before, another man had appeared. Draped in black robes with a golden sword sheathed at his side, he cut a fearsome figure.

The man shook an orange lock of hair out of his eye and unsheathed his sword.

"Let's get started, shall we?" Tendou said, grinning. With a burst of speed, he lunged for Gintoki.

"Gin-san!" Shinpachi yelled.