Rayna had left the joint therapy session feeling unsettled and unsure about what the future held for her and Deacon. He had gone back out on tour a few days later and she knew he would be gone for three weeks, as the tour wrapped up. So she was surprised when, a week later, her phone rang and it was Deacon. "Hey," she said as she answered.
"Hey," he responded and then paused. "I know you left the session with Dr. Harris feeling kind of low. But I think it went good."
"Really?" He was right. She'd pushed past him out of the office and hurried out to her car before he could say anything to her.
"Yeah." He sighed. "Nobody said it would be easy."
"Yeah, I guess." She had a lot of mixed feelings about it, unsure as to whether it had really helped at all.
"So your tour is over, right? No 'Red Lips, White Lies 3' on the horizon?"
She was grateful for the change of subject and laughed softly. "No, thankfully. I'm sure Juliette has told you the same thing."
He chuckled. "Yes, she has. I guess now you can do your own tour."
"That's the plan. Although, first I need to get my album released. So that's what I'm working on at the moment." She wondered why he was calling. Small talk wasn't usually his thing and, with how things had been between the two of them, it was the last thing she'd expected.
He cleared his throat. "Well, um, I was calling because, well, Luke's tour finishes up in Nashville and I wondered if you and the girls might like to come."
Rayna caught her breath and then smiled. "Well, they're at Teddy's this week but I think I can speak for them and say yes, we'd love to come." She felt that fluttering in her heart, pleased that he'd included her. "I really am happy for you, Deacon, that you're getting this chance."
"Thanks. I wasn't sure how it would go, if I was too old for this, but I've enjoyed it. Mostly, anyway."
"Well, you know that Luke is now on Edgehill's roster and word is that he's feeling a little threatened by your popularity. So it sounds like you've made quite a good impression out there."
Deacon smiled sheepishly. "I don't know about that. But Luke is kind of a diva."
Rayna laughed out loud. "I've heard that. I might be a little biased, but I think that you're much more talented than he is. I never understood why his career took off and yours didn't, back then. I'm just glad that you're getting to do this now."
He was silent for a moment on the other end of the phone. "Well, anyway," he said finally, "I'll have passes for all three of you. Come early and I'll bring you backstage before I go on."
"Maddie and Daphne will love that," she said. And so will I. "We'll see you then."
Deacon's set was winding down. Rayna was thrilled that the crowd was so enthusiastic. She knew there was good buzz around him, so the seats were filling up earlier for fans interested in hearing him as well. She knew she had nothing to do with his success, but she couldn't help but be proud of him. Maddie and Daphne had found places right on the edge of the side stage so that they had an unfettered view. Rayna had stayed back, not wanting to be a distraction, but close enough to keep her eye on the girls.
"So the rumors were true," came a voice from behind her. "Rayna Jaymes, the queen of country music, is actually in the house."
Rayna turned around to see Luke Wheeler standing behind her. She hadn't seen him in years until Jeff Fordham had signed him at Edgehill, to great fanfare. She and Deacon had known him back when they were all starting out. She'd not known him well at all until one night, when they were all playing at the Texas State Fair, and Deacon had not shown up for her set. She'd been frantic and scared, and pissed, and Luke had offered to fill in onstage. She'd taken him up on the offer and then he'd helped her search for Deacon after the show. They'd finally found him, passed out in a bar, and Luke had helped her get him back to the tour bus. Luke had tried to cheer her up by taking her out on the fair midway and on the Ferris wheel. She hadn't been good company, she knew, because she was worried about Deacon. She'd appreciated his help and his friendship, until, as they were walking back, he'd tried to kiss her. She'd pushed him away and walked off. Their paths occasionally crossed after that, but she'd always kept her distance. She'd always thought he was a little too cocky, plus she wasn't a fan of the "bro country" trend that he embraced.
She'd been out on the Red Lips, White Lies tour when he'd signed with Edgehill so the first time she'd seen him was at an investor event, but she hadn't stayed long enough to have any conversation with him. "Well, hey, Luke," she said, putting on her performance face.
He took off his hat and did a semi-bow. "No one told me you were coming tonight. We could have worked you in for a duet."
Rayna shook her head. "I'm just here as a mama tonight. My daughters and I are here to see Deacon Claybourne. As his guests."
Luke's eyes narrowed slightly but he kept his smile, although it seemed less genuine than before. "That's right, I forgot y'all go way back." He tilted his head slightly. "But I thought you'd fired him from your band a long time ago."
"I did. But we're still on friendly terms." No need sharing anything with him. She quickly looked back to check on the girls, as she heard Deacon finishing up his last song.
Luke stepped over closer to her, lifting up her hand and kissing it. "Tonight's our last night, but you should come out when we start up again next spring. As my guest."
Rayna didn't like the look in his eye and she felt uncomfortable with how close he was. She withdrew her hand as politely as she could, even though her instincts were to snatch it away. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Deacon wave to the crowd and then walk off the stage. She watched him grab Maddie up in a big hug and then lift Daphne up playfully.
"That looks kind of cozy," Luke said, his voice sounding a bit ominous.
Rayna looked back at him and frowned. "What do mean by that?" she asked, her voice a little sharp.
Luke took a step back and raised his hands in mock surrender. "Whoa! Just an observation. Just seems like maybe that's more than just old friend stuff." Rayna eyed him carefully but his expression was neutral.
Deacon and the girls walked up just then. Deacon had seen Luke standing near Rayna and had recognized her tension. He also had been surprised by his own feelings of irritation and a desire to push Luke away from her. He hadn't expected to have those protective feelings towards her and it left him feeling unsettled. He looked at Rayna, then at Luke. "What's going on?" he asked, his voice tight and his jaw twitching with anger.
Luke looked at Deacon. "Just catching up. I haven't seen Rayna in a while and I didn't realize y'all were still close." He glanced quickly, but knowingly, at Maddie. "Y'all look just like a little family." Then he slapped Deacon on the shoulder. "Good set, bud," he said, as he walked off towards the stage.
Deacon frowned, watching Luke for a moment, then turned back and looked at Rayna. "What was that about?" he asked.
Rayna had watched Luke as he walked towards the stage and then looked at Deacon, concern in her eyes. "I'm not really sure," she said. Then she looked over to the girls and smiled. "Deacon was great, wasn't he, girls?"
"Yes!" they cried out together.
She looked at him and then back at the girls. "Maybe we can all go back to his dressing room and hang out for a bit before we go home." She looked back at him and he nodded, his own eyes filled with concern.
"Let's go!" he said, putting an arm around Maddie and taking Daphne's hand and heading for the tunnel, Rayna trailing behind, worry on her face.
Later that night, after she'd gotten the girls to bed and she'd poured herself a glass of wine, Rayna pulled out her phone. She thought about calling – she knew he'd be up late, winding down after the show, as they always had – but she decided to send a text instead. Thanks. Appreciate your having my back.
A minute later came his response. Any time. On my way to the cabin.
Rayna stared down at the phone, her heart pounding. It felt like the dam had broken.
Rayna pulled up in the drive next to Deacon's truck. She got out and walked up the steps to the porch that lined the whole front of the cabin. She shivered a little, both from the chill in the air and the fact that she hadn't been here since the day she had come, Tandy in tow, with the intent of telling Deacon she was pregnant. Deacon was sitting on one of the porch chairs. "Hey," he said, as she approached. She couldn't gauge his tone.
"Hey," she responded, sitting down in the chair next to him. She looked out over the lake for a minute, then back at him. "Thanks for inviting us to the concert. The girls really enjoyed that. And you were fantastic. I'm so glad you're finally getting your chance."
He gave her a half-smile. "I'm glad y'all came." He looked at her closely. "Luke Wheeler seemed pretty interested in the fact you were there."
Rayna frowned. "I didn't really like his insinuations. He's never seemed very genuine and he sure was over the top last night. I hope he doesn't try to stir up anything."
Deacon breathed out. "He's kind of a jerk, but I don't think he'll say anything. I'm betting I won't get asked back though."
Rayna made a face. "Oh, please. He'd be a fool not to. You're very good." Then she laughed. "But that whole 'Wheels Up' stuff and 'The Cowboy Party Tour'. How did you stand it?"
Deacon smiled. "It paid pretty damn good," he said, with a laugh.
"You don't need the money that bad, Deacon. Couldn't you find someone else to tour with?"
"Maybe. But I was an opener, not opening for the opener. There's something to be said for that, as you well know."
She smiled and nodded. "That's true." She reached out and tapped his arm. "George did remember me enough to invite me to perform in his final concert."
"I heard. I was pretty impressed, Ray. And you got to sing 'Jackson' with him. One of your favorite Johnny and June songs. I know that had to feel good."
Him calling her "Ray" felt good. But she didn't say that. "Yeah, it did feel good. Kind of a full circle moment." She looked over at him. "I wish I'd had my guitar player though." She knew she was taking a chance, saying that. But things seemed better between them.
He looked down, then out over the lake. "Yeah," he said quietly. "Those were good times." They were quiet, sitting with their thoughts. Then Deacon looked over at her, his eyes with that puppy dog look. He reached for her hand and loosely threaded his fingers through hers.
She looked at him as she held her breath. She thought she saw something in his eyes. A flicker of what used to be there, back before the night of the CMA's. Back before all their worlds had exploded around them. Maddie was happier. She and Deacon had developed a good, close relationship. Watching them together had both thrilled her and made her sad for all the time they'd lost together, because of her.
Finally he spoke. "Thank you for Maddie," he said, his voice breaking just a bit.
She smiled sadly. "I wish I'd made different decisions," she said.
He shook his head. "I know. And I understand better. I wish things had been different, but I understand. You did the best you could. And you raised a beautiful daughter."
She felt his fingers tighten around hers. "You know that I always was glad she was yours," she said softly. Deacon looked away and then back at her, working his lip. She could see the tears pricking at his eyes. "Deacon, I want us to try again. To work at trying to be together. I love you. That's still true. I know I don't deserve you loving me again, but I hope you will. I don't want to be with anyone else but you. I've loved you practically from the moment I met you and you're still the man I want to spend the rest of my life with."
He took a deep breath and didn't say anything for a long time, just looked out over the lake. Her heart felt heavy, waiting for him to say something. He was still holding her hand, but she wondered what was left for them. "You know, I kind of feel like I'm in a scene in that movie the girls and I watched the other night," she went on. "'I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love me.' I'm asking you to love me again, Deacon."
He had turned to look at her while she was talking. He had those sad eyes she remembered from all the times he'd beg her to stay, beg her not to leave him, beg her for a second chance. They were a little shiny. He worked his lip, and she thought she saw the hint of a quiver. He breathed in, then out. "I do love you, Ray," he said quietly. "I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to say that to you again. There was a time when I was sure I never would." He squeezed her hand. "This has been a hard year. For both of us. There was a lot we had to go through. But I look at Maddie now and I keep thinking that she is the most perfect thing ever." He took a deep breath and, when he spoke again, his voice was rough with emotion. "And we made her. We made her. No matter what the circumstances, she's like the perfect part of us. She reminds me why I fell in love with you all those years ago and why I can't stop loving you now."
Rayna felt the tears in her own eyes and her free hand flew to her mouth as she struggled to keep her composure. "Is there a chance for us then?" she asked, finally.
He looked at her for a moment and then nodded. "I want there to be." He gripped her hand tighter and pulled her up from her chair. She looked at him with a question in her eyes. He took a deep breath and then started down towards the dock on the lake, still holding her hand. They walked out to the edge of the dock. It rocked gently with the rhythm of the water. Deacon dropped her hand and turned towards her. "I remember the day I brought you here the first time."
Rayna nodded and smiled shyly. "I do too."
He looked up at the sky, his hands in his pockets. "God, Ray, we had everything in front of us then. It was all supposed to be amazing. We were getting everything we wanted." He looked back down at her. "I don't know why I couldn't keep it together then. I've tried to figure that out so many times. I blamed my father being a drunk, I blamed everybody else for drinking with me, I blamed my own weakness. I still don't know exactly what it was, but I think mostly I was afraid. I was afraid I'd disappoint you. You were Rayna Jaymes, the rising star of country music and the pride of Belle Meade society. You were so far beyond me and I was sure one day you'd wake up and look at me and wonder why you got mixed up with someone from the wrong side of the tracks." He took a deep breath, feeling the tears welling up in his eyes. "So I think I screwed up so that you'd have a reason to cut me loose. I didn't do it on purpose. I never thought about it that way. I didn't want to lose you. I loved you, Ray. God help me, I loved you so much. You were the best thing that ever happened to me. Nothing in the world felt as good as being with you, whether we were on stage or in bed or just sitting on the floor writing songs. But I was afraid too."
"Deacon…." Rayna started.
Deacon held up his hand. "I'm not done." He took a deep breath. "I wasn't the one who was wrong in this scenario we're in now. I understand why you didn't want to tell me in the beginning and, based on everything I know now, I understand that decision. But everything else, you not ever telling me, marrying Teddy and letting him be Maddie's father, that was hard to get past. I'm still not a hundred percent past it and maybe I never will be. I believe you did it because you loved Maddie. The rest of it, well, I heard you when you said you were afraid and that you didn't want to hurt Maddie, all of that. I heard you when you said you needed me in your life all those years. But I lost all trust in you and I'm not sure we can go back to what we had."
"Deacon, I know I did the worst thing I could have done to you. There's no way I can make up for that. There's no way I can fix it or make it go away. I'm going to have to live with that for the rest of my life. I'm not sure I can forgive myself for the choices I made. That's what I have to live with." She looked out over the lake. "I don't expect us to go back. I know that's not possible. But maybe we can move forward. We have Maddie. And you, well, you're my family. No matter what we've done to each other, you're my family."
Deacon looked at her with that haunted look in his eyes and nodded. "We'd have to start over. It can't be like it was. Maybe it will never be. I don't want to give up. But it's got to be different." The sun came out just then and shone down on her red-gold hair, making it look like it was on fire. "We need to be able to trust each other again."
Rayna nodded. "I know." She sighed and looked down at her feet, sliding her boot back and forth slightly. "I know that I have a lot to make up for." She looked back up. "But I still love you. I've always loved you. That's really just always been the truth." She reached for his hands. "I want to earn back your trust, Deacon. There's nothing more important to me than that."
Deacon took a deep breath. When he spoke his voice was low and quiet. "Forgiving you meant that I wasn't mad anymore and it opened up that place where I could let you back in. But I don't want it to be that we don't deal with what got us there to start with. I don't want to cover up resentment and anger and pain. I don't want to just let things go. I want us to be careful with each other, never take this for granted anymore."
Rayna nodded. "I'm willing to do whatever it takes. I know I'm at fault here and I need to earn your trust and your love again. I won't ever take this for granted again, Deacon."
He breathed in and raised his eyebrows. "You know, as hard as it was for me to forgive you, it was harder to forgive myself for everything I did. You need to do the same thing, Rayna. You need to forgive yourself. You need to forgive me. It's done. We can't go back and make it different, it just is. Dr. Harris told me that it doesn't mean it's all okay, like we let each other off the hook. It just means that we can move on."
She looked up at him, tears in her eyes. "I want to."
He looked at her and worked his lip. Then he pulled her towards him and wrapped her up in his arms. After a moment, she pulled her head back and looked up at him, a question in her eyes. He leaned down and kissed her, first gently, then tugging on her lip, kissing her with a passion he hadn't felt since the night before the CMA's.
She lost herself in that kiss. She forgot everything else as she concentrated on how his lips felt on hers, how his tongue felt, battling her own. She clung to him like she was drowning and she drank in the feel of his arms as they held her tight against him, warm and secure. She forgot everything that had happened over the past year, for that moment.
Finally he pulled away from her lips and she unconsciously whimpered in protest. He leaned his forehead to hers, looking deep into her eyes. They both were breathing hard. He stepped back and took her hand, turning and walking back towards the cabin. They walked up the steps and then he turned back to face her. He leaned down and kissed her softly. "I need you to leave now," he said quietly.
Her face registered surprise. "What?" she asked, confused.
"I need you to leave before we do something we're not ready for," he said. "I could so easily take you inside and make love to you all night long and I know you would do that willingly. But we're not ready for that yet. So I need you to go home." He watched the emotions run across her face – confusion, pain, worry, anxiety – and he reached out and put his hand on her cheek, running his thumb over it lightly. "I'm not sending you away for good. Just for now. I don't want to rush into something. I'm not ready and you're not either. Not really. We need some time, to work through this differently."
Rayna reached up and put her hand around his wrist, her face still etched in sadness. "I think you're right. I want this to work, Deacon."
He nodded. "I do too. So let's just take it slow. Let's not be in a hurry." He leaned down and brushed her lips with his. "Drive safe. I'll see you soon." Then he backed away, although his face said he didn't want to.
Rayna stood, looking at him, then reached up and brushed away a tear. She smiled shakily and took a deep breath. "I'll see you soon," she said. Then she raised her hand in a wave, turned and walked back down the porch to her car. When she got in and looked back at the house, he was gone.