Trigger warning: suicide and depression. This chapter is pretty triggering for the first half or so, so if you are triggered by talk of suicide and depression in the perspective of someone in that state, then read at your own discretion.
Do it. I urged myself as I leaned over the edge of the secluded bridge and peered into the weather underneath.
You should just do it.
Just jump.
So, I did. Or, at least I tried. After I managed to hoist myself up over the ledge, I positioned myself, and prepared to jump.
You don't belong here.
"What the hell are you doing?!" a man's voice shouted as he grabbed me around my waist and pulled me back onto the sidewalk. Despite my anger, I didn't fight him. "I'm going to take you to the A&E."
"No, please don't!" I begged while he started dragging me towards, where I'm assuming is, the hospital. He asked me where my house is after he agreed not to.
"Here," he said as he took off his jacket, "you must be cold." I draped his jacket around my shoulders as we started walking in the direction of my apartment. "I'm Steve. Do you want to talk about what made you do that?" I shook my head.
On the way to my apartment, he told me his entire life story, from his wife's numerous miscarriages, to their divorce when she left him last year, and he how he, too, tried to jump numerous times but was pulled back each time.
"Everything can be fixed," he assured as we reached the front entrance. He wrote down his number on a ripped piece of paper and told me to call him if I never need anything. He promised me never to do that again and left.
The voice, who identifies itself as Nobody, kept urging me to ignore Steve's advice and try again. Nobody said that Steve is just another agent out keeping tabs on me. Nobody says I'm an idiot for telling Steve where I live. Now all of them will know.
He told me to try again.
Dan
It's been nearly two months since I last had a conversation with Kayane, and it's been nearly two weeks since I spoke to her all. We talk for a few minutes on Facebook every now and then, but it's only simple things, like her complimenting me because of a new video, or I'll message her just to see how she's doing.
We haven't talked about us any further. I don't think she wants to be in a long distance relationship. I can't blame her because neither do I. Of course I want to be with her, but short distance relationships are hard enough as it is. It's even worse when she's told I thought our first time was a mistake and shouldn't have happened. I tried explaining that I didn't regret it, but I ended up digging myself a deeper hole.
As I finished editing a video, a Skype call from Sam popped up. Almost as soon as I answered it, she started talking.
"Sorry if I don't make sense; I'm at work and I'm not supposed to be making personal calls so I need to make this quick. I haven't spoken to Kayane in a while and she seemed really depressed the last time I did. Do you think you could go check on her? I'm really worried."
"Um..." I said. "Have you forgotten that I live in the UK?"
"Sorry to be so blunt, but she moved to London for school. I'm sorry you had to find out this way. Please just go check on her," Sam said right before she ended the call. She then sent a message telling me the address of Kaya's flat.
As quickly as humanly possible, I threw on some shoes and ran out the door to catch a cab.
When I arrived at her flat, the door was already ajar, so I let myself in. The first thing that popped out was the putrid smell of body odor. The next thing was the overturned furniture and overall messiness. The next thing was Kaya's unconscious body on the floor with deep gashes on her wrists, bruises around her neck and an empty bottle of sleeping pills in her hands.
"What the hell…" I exclaimed to no one.
I quickly rushed over to her, tears blurring my vision, and checked her pulse. Why would she do this to herself? My beautiful Kayane, though I suppose she isn't "mine" anymore… How could so much have happened in such a short amount of time? It's only been two weeks since I talked to her last and she seemed fine. A bit off, but not like she wanted to kill herself or anything.
"Kayane," I shouted at her, shaking her wilted body. "C'mon. Wake up." I tried propping her up and opening her eyes, but that too proved futile.
So, I did the next best thing, which I probably should've done first. I called for an ambulance. It didn't take long for them to arrive being that she lives so close to a hospital. They pushed past me to load her onto a stretcher. They even let me ride in the ambulance with them. They tried asking me a million questions about her medical history and the only thing I was able to tell them is her name and that she has bipolar.
Since they wouldn't allow me in the operating room, I stepped outside for a moment to call Phil, who then, in turn, called Sam. Phil told me he'd be there as soon as he can. He took longer to get there, but he came with a change of clothes and stuff to keep us occupied overnight.
After what felt like hours of waiting, the doctor called us back to ask us even more questions. The first question she asked was how to spell Kaya's name since they couldn't figure it out and needed to access her records in order to properly treat her.
"We pumped her stomach to get the pills out and stitched up her wrists. Thankfully, her injuries weren't too deep and she didn't lose a lot of blood," Dr. Cole told us. I asked her about the bruises around her neck. "Judging by the angles, it looks like she did it herself but not enough to cause any actual damage other than some small bruises."
"So she's going to be okay?" Phil asked.
"Yes, she will. She has been sedated, so she isn't awake yet. Are either of you immediate family?" We shook our heads. "Then, I'm sorry, but neither of you will be able to visit her just yet. Once we get those records and we know what caused this and how to properly treat her, we'll move her to another part of the hospital and they'll determine whether you can visit her.
"But since this is a suicide attempt, we have to admit her for a mandatory seventy-two hour psych hold. I'll be honest with you two, it will be more than just three days so don't get your hopes up."
The next day, Kaya woke up. They treated her with a bunch of different medications that I can't even spell, but they made her lucid. They did, however, move her to another hospital for her to receive mental health treatment and they wouldn't allow me to see her until her seventy-two hour psych hold was up.
Right as her psych hold was gone and the hospital allowed me to visit her, I was ready to walk through the doors. I wanted to see her as soon as possible. Phil declined coming on her visit as to not overwhelm her on her first day of visiting.
"You'll have to wait for the psychiatrist to come out and update you," the receptionist said. "She's with a patient right now so it'll be a bit."
I sat down in the lobby while I waited for the psychiatrist to be finished with her patient.
"Hello," an older woman said. "I'm Dr. Hamasaki. I'm Kayane's doctor for now. You may see her and she's lucid. We're still trying to figure out what medicine is right for her since she doesn't want to back on Prozac.
"She has bipolar disorder, type I. Sometimes, when people have an 'episode', it's often accompanied with psychosis. It's most often seen during the manic episode, but it's not uncommon to appear during the depressive phase. From the way she described it, she was having a psychotic depressive phase, or even a mixed episode, after she stopped taking her medication."
Dr. Hamasaki led me back to the dorm area of the building. After walking through the entire maze of hallways, she stopped at a door and opened it. I could see Kayane, but I don't think she could see me.
Kayane scanned Dr. Hamasaki's face without emotion. She looks more depressed in here than she did in the hospital.
"Kayane," Dr. Hamasaki said, "there's someone here to see you." Dr. Hamasaki stepped aside and let me in. "It's your friend, Dan." Kayane got up from her desk and hugged me. "You two will have to visit in the common room."
"How've you been?" I asked while we were led down the corridor. Kayane shrugged her shoulders and asked me the same. "I've been good. I've missed you, though."
We sat down at an empty table next to two men playing chess. Once Dr. Hamasaki was out of earshot, she started whispering to me.
"I fucking hate it in here. When I first got here, they put me in the wing where all the people with psychosis are even though I wasn't feeling that way. Once they determined that I was calm enough, they brought me here to the wing with all the depressed people. I haven't had an actual conversation in days.
"Talk to me about anything. I don't care what it is. I just want someone to talk to me about anything other than why I'm here."
I started talking to her about Phil and I just moved to London.
"Can I ask you a question?" I asked. She nodded her head. "Why didn't you tell me you moved here?"
She let out a sigh before she started explaining.
"I don't know, to be honest. I was planning to once I got settled, but that hasn't happened. I've only been here a few weeks, and part of that I wasn't even myself."
Shortly after that, one of the nurses came over and told us visiting time was up and that I had to leave.
Kayane
The psych ward is the worst place I've ever been. It is literally hell. They keep putting me on a bunch of different medicines and it keeps messing with me. They say that Prozac would be the best thing for me to go on but I refuse to take it.
Every day, I have to have a therapy session with Dr. Hamasaki and once a week, I have group therapy with the other people in the wing. Thankfully, neither of those have started yet because I've only been here for two days.
Speaking of therapy, in the middle of my mandatory journal-writing, one of the nurses came in and told me it's time for a therapy session.
"Hi, Kayane- am I saying that right?- how are you today?" Dr. Hamasaki said. She wasn't actually saying it right, but I didn't correct her because I'll only know her for a short time.
"I'm good," I mumbled.
"I'm going to ask you some questions and I want you to answer to the best of your ability. What you say in here stays in here. I won't share this information with anyone without your permission unless you or someone else is in danger, okay?
"First question, how would you describe your symptoms?"
"Usually, during the mania phase, I just feel really happy and just generally good. I feel invincible. I can get two hours of sleep and feel fine and I'll talk a mile a minute. I have so much energy during the mania phase. I sometimes get delirious during it, but not really.
"Now, during the depressive phase, it's the complete opposite. I'm sad and I feel horrible. It won't matter how much sleep I get, I'll still feel tired and I have zero energy. This is usually when I get delirious, as you may have already figured out."
"How long do these usually last?" she asked.
"It depends. I have what they call 'ultra-rapid cycling', so an episode lasts a few weeks. Sometimes it'll last longer, like the depression sometimes lasts a month or so, but a few weeks is normal for me."
Dr. Hamasaki continued to ask me questions until I couldn't anymore. This continued for days and days until she finally put me on a mixture of Lithium and divalproex. Even after she prescribed those and found them to be working, she still told me I had to stay to make they would work long-term.
At night, I usually write in my journal. Since there isn't internet and the only channel in the common room is a local news channel, there isn't much to do outside of activities. The only thing that keeps me writing in it is pretending that I'm writing to my brother. I feel like he's the only one that understands what I'm going through despite being in a building full of people who have gone through the same thing.
In the afterlife, do you think in the afterlife you're the same age when you die? Now I'm older than my brother was when he died. Imagine, I'd be standing face-to-face with an older brother that's younger than me.