Santa's ear

I only want you to know, when you feel like talking, or want somebody to listen, or just sit there and have a beer with you, I'm available. Twenty-four/seven. Sofia's words played in Sara's mind over and over. The more she tried to fight them, the more often and louder she heard them. What was wrong with her? She didn't want to tell the blonde about her failed marriage and she certainly didn't need Sofia's pity. Her whole life she dealt with her problems by herself, never bothered somebody else with them, why would she change that? It wasn't like Sofia could offer her a solution.

Nevertheless she ended up in front of a bar off The Strip she knew, the blonde visited frequently. Before she could change her mind or gain control over her feet, she found herself inside the bar. Two dozen people were inside too, most of them sat alone or in groups of two or three, the air wasn't filled with conversations and laughter, the music, not very loud, was the only sound she understood. It looked like people came here for a drink and not to share stories of their lives.

The bartender only glanced at her before he shifted his attention back to the glass, he had been polished. Nobody paid any attention to her, nobody tried to talk to her. On the far left of the bar she saw a familiar back and long blonde hair. Nursing a glass of whiskey and a beer, Sofia seemed to be lost in her own world.

Sara sat next to her without a greeting, signed the bartender, she wanted the same as the blonde and waited until he served her and left them alone.

"Cheers." Sara lifted her glass.

"Cheers." Their glasses clinked and both sipped whiskey quietly. The ice moved around in the glass, shone and reflected the little bit of light, that came from old lamps. Out of the speakers in the corner, The Who asked their listens who are you? Who was she? A simple question: A forensic scientist, still married, but living alone, with work being the center of her life and attention. Was that really her or that what was left of her?

"Christmas is supposed to be the time of the year when you meet your family and spend a few days with them, celebrating, being happy. Somehow I always feel lonely around this time of the year, I don't know why." Sara said quietly. "How can people be happy? Do they have a switch they can switch on for the holidays?" The words just slipped out of her mouth, she didn't want to say them.

"No, they pretend to be happy, it's what is expected from everybody, you get trained to act happy on Christmas when you're a kids and you repeat this every year because it's what you've learnt is right."

"Do you think they're all just pretending?"

"No, some are happy. Families, that reunite for a few days because they live in different places and have no time to see each other over the year. Or when you have a few days off and spend these days with the one you love, without being disturbed by work, it can be wonderful. I believe when you have people you love waiting for you, you don't feel lonely and Christmas can be nice."

"Not having this kind of family shows you how alone you are. It makes you a loser, a person, nobody wants around."

"There's a reason why more people commit suicide around Christmas. Loneliness."

Did she feel lonely? Sometimes. Most times, when the feeling of loneliness crept up on her, she buried herself in work. It took her mind off for a while, but when she fell in her bed, exhausted, the feeling came back and brought her bad sleep or nightmares. Or both.

"Will you celebrate with your parents?"

"Yes, we all work, so we meet afterwards and have dinner together."

Sara thought about that for a while. Dinner after work could mean it's a breakfast, in their line of work, it was impossible to know when you could go home. "I work too. Grissom won't be here." No reaction. Sara sighed and battled with the next words, she didn't want to say, but which seemed to want out badly. "I've never felt this lonely and sad around Christmas like this year. Years ago I didn't care when I was alone, then Grissom and I came together, got married. You can only miss what you know, knowledge increases the pain."

"How good are you with cop talk and beer instead of wine and Christmas stories?"

"Much better than with the latter ones."

"Why don't you join us for our Christmas…dinner, midnight snack, breakfast, whenever we stop working and can go home."

"It's a family thing."

"No, it's food after work with beer and law enforcement as the topic thing. Not a party, no big talker but good beer, food and people, who know how it feels to be married to your job more than to a partner."

"What will your parents say when I show up?" She only met Sofia's mother once or twice at work, never the blonde's father.

"Get a beer, sit down, eat, don't waste time with standing around, there might be a call and we all have to leave for a crime scene."

Sara smiled thinly. This didn't sound too bad. Better than being all alone in her apartment.