A/N: Trigger warnings- Self harm and suicide
Also for those of you who want a big, bad Regina, she's coming in all her magical glory. *wink, wink* Bear with me, I promise, she'll be back and soon. She is taking the necessary steps to unleash her magical potential.
Chapter 11
Snow sat there quietly, holding her cider. She watched Regina with a perplexed look. She wanted to take a drink, but she was afraid of what the hard cider would do to her thinking. At the moment, she thought that Regina had been drinking too much and that is why she was asking her to do it.
Rhiannon watched them, trying to gauge their history, to understand what wasn't being said between them. She could the palpable uneasiness between them. She knew that Snow was Regina's step-daughter and after Leopold's death their relationship became very, very strained, but she didn't know the specifics. She never had the chance to ask or find out. She could tell that theirs was bad blood between them and she figured that it had something to do with Leopold, but she just didn't know. She sipped her cider and watched them, waiting for a chance to join the conversation.
"Snow, I understand that this is going to be difficult for you. I expected your resistance. In fact, I planned on it. I knew that this would be a hard request for you to do. I know that you love Emma and you think that this will hurt her, but I assure you that this will have no bearing on Miss Swan."
Snow snapped her head up at the use of "Miss Swan." She knew that Regina only used that when she knew that Emma when fight her on whatever was going on. It was Regina's way of emotionally distancing herself from the situation. She cocked her head and questioned her with her eyes. She could see something deep inside Regina's dark eyes, but she couldn't make it out completely.
"Why me?"
"Because you are the only one that I would ask for forgiveness from," Regina stated.
"Forgiveness?" Snow questioned, still eyeballing Regina.
"Yes, let me explain it to you further, if I may."
"Please do," Snow said a little more forcefully than she meant.
"Do you remember when we were in Neverland and Pan had us bound to the Tree of Regret?"
"Yeah, you broke free because you said your regretted nothing," Snow answered.
"I wasn't lying at the time, but now, I would be."
Snow gasped. She knew that being with Emma and Henry has changed Regina for the better emotionally, but she wasn't prepared for her empathy. She could remember a time that all she wanted from Regina was empathy and she never got it. Seeing it now and watching the emotions flow through Regina unnerved her and she couldn't fathom why. She wondered if it was the fact that they had been at odds for so long, that they couldn't be friends.
"I don't know that I can help you, Regina."
"I know that that it seems like a daunting task, but it is necessary."
"I don't understand how destroying your life is necessary. Have you not thought about what this will do to Emma? To Henry? How can ending your life help them?" Snow questioned.
"I think that is where I come in," Rhiannon stated.
"How is that?"
Rhiannon held up a vile she'd been carrying, "With this."
"What is that?" Snow asked staring at the vile.
"It is called Phoenix Oil," Regina replied.
"Phoenix Oil?"
"Yes, it is a type of resurrection potion. It is from valley in Tir Nan Og. Anyone can use it, but there is a cost," Regina explained.
"A cost, of course. All magic comes at a price. You know that more than anyone, Regina. Can you tell me what this cost is? What is the cost for this magic?"
"I have to have a clear soul."
"A clear soul?"
"Yes, I have come to realize that I don't regret the events that lead us to Storybrooke. I don't regret any of that because it gave me Henry. And, in the end, it gave me Emma as well."
"Then what do you regret?"
"The fact that I couldn't be the person that you needed me when I became your step-mother, I regret that. I never could be the person that you wanted and that is the reason that we became enemies. We could never have the relationship that we both deserved. We were both searching for someone to love us as ourselves. We destroyed each other's happiness while we were searching for our own. I regret that we couldn't have been better to each other in the beginning."
Snow was taken aback. She wasn't prepared for such honesty to come from Regina. She didn't know how to respond to her either.
"I know that it is hard for you to think about doing this, but I need you to realize that this will give us both a blank slate. In my destruction, you can find peace. With my destruction, I will know the purity of love. Snow, I know that we may never have the relationship that you wanted as a girl, but I would like to think that we could be friends."
Rhiannon watched them as she saw the Regina of old fighting to make her way back out into the world. She didn't know exactly what cause their feud, but she knew they hurt each other as they grew. She wondered if Snow could forgive Regina.
"You killed my father," Snow said quietly.
"You killed my love," Regina replied.
"Does one justify the other?"
"To be fair at the time, I didn't care. I was so angry with you. You took away the one thing that made me happy all because you couldn't tell a lie. But, there was more going on with your father than you realized, I would spare you that pain."
"No, tell me."
"Snow, don't ask this."
"Tell me. I believe that I have a right to know. He was my father and you murdered him."
"He may have been your father and my husband, but he was no king to me. I may have arranged for his death, but I didn't personally commit the act. And, the man that did was punished after a fashion. My heart was hardened by then from the loss of Daniel and because of the man that Leopold was behind closed doors. You father was not the pious and righteous man you thought him to be, Snow. Leave it at that," Regina explained.
"And, your mother really didn't know how to love," Snow stated.
"I know. I should have known sooner and maybe I wouldn't have tried so hard to please her. I would have tried to get her heart back. But, in the seconds that I had with her, I realized what a mother's love meant, what it felt like, what it was meant to be."
"I took her from you."
"You were saving us all. I couldn't see it at the time. She was my mother and that bane of my existence. I couldn't see past her death. And, trust me when I say, the day that you came to me, to beg me to take your heart, to end your suffering and pain, I wanted to crush it in my hands."
"Why didn't you?"
"Because that pain you felt, that suffering, that blackness that crept in and took root inside your pure as snow heart, I knew what it meant. I knew that you would be seeking redemption, some sort of penance to redeem your worth in your own eyes. I knew that I could never give it to you. I knew that you would have to learn to live with your actions and their consequences, because that pain is such a great motivator."
"So you want me to destroy you to help us both?"
"Yes, I know that it sounds complicated, but it is really simple. In your act of killing me, you forgive me all that I have ever done for you. And as I die, I forgive you for every wrong, I perceieved or not, that I felt from you. We would both get to start over."
"Would we forget?"
"No, nothing will alter our memories."
"There is another catch, isn't there?"
"Yes, there is," Regina answered.
"And, that is?"
"That she will be permanently unbound," Rhiannon stated.
"But…"
"Listen, while I am dying, my body, my magics will try to preserve my body. They will unleash themselves in a manner I have only heard of, but in doing so, they will create a shield around me. This shield will become a magical permanent armor."
"But, you promised Henry no more magic?"
"I did. But, he'll understand that I am not doing it for gain. I don't want the kingdom anymore, Snow. I gave it to you willingly. I just want a life in which I could say that I was proud of, again. I am proud to be Henry's mother. I am proud that Emma loves me despite who I am. But, I feel like I am wasting away here. I feel like I did before the curse was lifted. Nothing has changed. Nothing changes except Henry. Everything is boring and there is no joy for me."
"You are being punished for the crimes that you have committed. Why should you be allowed to have joy? What makes you think that you deserve it?" Snow snapped.
"Because I believe that I am Emma's happy ending. How can she be happy when I am not? How can she have her happy ending when she has to continually bind me and suppress my magic with her own? I can't begin to imagine how that makes her feel. But, the thing that she make you understand my desire for this more than anything is: how can she be part of family that fought for love countless times, but is unwilling to recognize her own?"
Snow stood up. The fury inside her radiated off her body. Regina knew that she hit a nerve and she knew that it was the right nerve to hit. She wasn't trying to play her, but she knew it was the only way for Snow to understand that giving Regina a second chance (for the thousandth time) at a happy ending would give Emma hers as well. Snow turned to face her.
"Why here? Why now? What am I missing?"
"I think I should explain something to you, Majesty," Rhiannon answered.
"Please do, because I don't understand any of this."
"Before you and Regina met that fateful day in the field, a young Regina, not much older than you were, met me in her father's castle. I was still a princess then, as she was. We realized too quickly that our parents were using each other for power and pleasure. Three nights into my stay, her mother's imp made a promise with my father, one that haunted me years later, one that I would soon come to realize that I had no control over or way to stop."
"He cursed you?" Snow asked.
"In a manner of speaking, yes, he did. He foretold my future. He told my father that I would unite the clans of my people under a common banner and restore the glory of a mythical but historical king. The heir to my throne however would have to earn it. So my father proceeded to test every man that sought me out as a suitor. Most were found to be unworthy. When Pol was declared good enough, we were engaged and married shortly after your father's funeral."
"That is where you went?"
"Yes, I went to her wedding. She was the only friend that I had at the time. She gave me her support with your father's death, so I gave her mine at the wedding."
"Regina came to Tir Nan Og. As a gift of friendship, I gave her some of my most loyal soldiers to help her solidify her reign as the sovereign. I didn't realize that the imp had already corrupted her and that my men would be used in a most abusive way to your people. Had I had the gift of foresight like the imp, I would have regaled her with one of my cousins' horses."
"What did you get?"
"More than I bargained for, I assure you. The imp followed her to me. Told me that without a continued friendship that I would lose everything that I held dear in my life. The night before the wedding, Regina and I went riding in the valley of the Phoenix. It used to be the most magnificent valley in all of my family's holdings. Now, it is almost ash and soot."
"What happened?"
"I should have listened better to the imp."
"Rumple? Anything he ever said then was for his own gain? What good would it have done you? What possibility did he tell you that would cause you to say such things?" Snow asked.
"He knew the stories of the Pendragon."
"As in Arthur?"
"He replacement."
"But, he had no children. And, Lancelot, told me that Mordred destroyed Camelot, so what does this have to do with the Pendragons. I don't understand."
"In my land the Pendragons are made. They are the ruling family of the Lake and Avalon. No one has earned the right in years to ascend to the Pendragon. All who try the trials fail. But, the imp told me that my child would earn the right to the crown of Avalon as long as I kept Regina close. By becoming allies, I would ensure my line saved Tir Nan Og from ultimate destruction."
"How?"
"One night in the middle of summer, when we were still children and the prospects of being happy were still endless to us, we made a pact," Rhiannon told her.
"We were young and in love. We were stupid and foolish. We decided that we were to always be friends and we would protect each other no matter the cost or sacrifice. We sealed this pact in blood in the thirteen month, on the thirteenth day, under the year's thirteenth moon," Regina said, before she took another drink of cider
"What does that have to do with anything now?"
"Thirteen years later, I wed Pol."
"Thirteen years later, I cast the curse."
"Thirteen months after my wedding, I had a child."
"Thirteen years into the curse, I sought a companionship."
"But, Henry was ten when he found Emma," Snow stated.
"I wasn't talking about Henry. I had no magic. I had no friends. I couldn't get to Rhiannon and Rhiannon couldn't find me because of the curse."
"Thirteen days, I had my child."
"What happened?"
"She was taken from me and a son put in her place thirteen years later."
"Who would do that?"
"A good friend of my husband, he blamed me for the disappearance and then placed his own son in my household. He passed him off as my husbands, but as he grew the resemblance to his natural father was too uncanny not to notice and he was forced to leave."
"But, what of your daughter?"
"That is why I have come to Regina. I believe that if we try together we can find her. That is why we are asking you to help us now."
"How can I help with that?" Snow asked.
"Lift my banishment and drown me here where the magic isn't so strong."
"Drown you?"
"It will be more like a purification, if you will," Rhiannon added, trying to lighten the mood.
"So, I help you drown, lift the banishment, and help you regain your powers and I get…"
"The end to a feud that started before we were both born. The happy ending that you so desperately want for your entire family. And, finally the forgiveness you want from me."
"But, you will be free."
"Free to leave Storybrooke, free to travel realms and lands, but never free from a family that I love. Never will I be free of burdens that I created, but I will have the opportunity to atone for them in ways I never could before. I could be the friend that you deserved."
"Emma will not like this."
"She cannot know."
"How will she not? She'll know that something has happened when she sees you use magic. She'll know that I helped you in this endeavor," Snow replied.
"But, she doesn't have to know that you killed me to do it."
"I am still a little lost on that. Why do I have to kill you? And, why by water?"
"I need to force my magic out. Rhiannon will bring me back. Then, I will help her find her daughter. We were strong together once and we can be strong together again."
"You don't want the throne?" Snow asked, still bewildered.
"The only thing that I want from you when this is over, Snow, would be your blessing."
Snow's eyes got large and she realized that she had been wrong. She had been so wrong about Regina for so long. She knew that she loved Henry. She needed Henry in her life and she had raised him as best she could considering who her role models were in that department. But, this Regina, redemption craving and passionate Regina was more like the teenager that saved her in a grassy field as her horse charged away with her into oblivion.
"So, you won't actually die?"
"Not really," Rhiannon said.
"But, we will try to be better to each other for Emma's sake."
"Yes, we will."
"And, you don't want the throne?"
"No, I want to stay here with Henry and Emma."
"Yeah, about that…I was going to announce something tomorrow…"
"Like what?"
"You know what, that's not important right now. We are working on a new family dynamic and trying to rescue a lost princess. So, let's think about that."
"Thank you," Regina told her, realizing that she had agreed.
"I'm not doing this for you, Regina. I am doing it for Emma. She loves you and you might be her happy ending. I wouldn't dream of denying her that. How could I?" Snow asked, as she downed her cider, eyeing Regina knowing that her words cut deep.