The Diego Diaries: Down Time 9 (269) edited for boo boos
-0- "I'll be here all week. Be sure to tip your waitress."
"Entertain me."
They looked at him, then each other. Ratchet grinned. "Praxus is learning to empty his debris hold all by himself."
That met an avalanche of commentary ranging from 'ATTABOY!' to 'BITCH PLEASE!', or the Cybertronian version of it. Neo grinned at him. "I think its wonderful." She looked at Optimus. "How is Miracle doing on that front?"
He shrugged. "You'll have to ask Prowl. He's the Poop Police."
All optics turned to Prowl who sat up stiffly. "A sparkling should be able to evacuate smoothly."
"Be careful what you say during a fire drill, Herling," Starscream said silkily. "You might not get what you planned."
The amount of slag that exchange got was only just a *smidge* less severe than the optic that Optimus got from Prowl.
"Tell us about the new sparkling," Nova said. "We understand the ceremony will be at the airfield. We shall bring the school once more, then come back to class."
"That's about it," Ratchet said with a smirk at Ironhide. He himself sat with contentment like a Buddha except for the muley optic he shot Prime from time to time. Hero was entertaining herself by patting his arms which were around her and smiling at him. He smiled back and shot a bemused optic Ironhide's way. He had beaten the big Chaos Bringer six out of seven games of Battleship and held his daughter the whole time in the circle of his arms.
Sometimes it was AWESOME to outrank everyone in the room.
Prowl drawing his mesmerized optics away from Hero's tiny wings looked at Ratchet. "I will be there too."
"So will I," Ratchet said looking pointedly at his rival in all things.
"Of course you'll be there," Perceptor said puzzledly. "You're the ada."
Everyone gave noogies both literally and figuratively to the big red oblivious but utterly classy handsome device transformer, then turned to the matter at hand. Prowl's potty training of his sons.
"As you know, since Seeker's are a superior form of Cybertronian, they practically come potty trained," he sniveled with a superior smirk.
"Then you're saying Seekers are the shit?" Ratchet asked as he browsed through his internal Urban Dictionary for new bombs to throw.
They all paused to figure it out, then Starscream nodded with a satisfied smirk. "In every sense of the word."
That got all the love it deserved as a scandalized Perceptor looked at an equally scandalized Miler while a snickering Wheeljack and Venture chuckled at each other behind their backs.
"How is your dog doing, Ratchet?" someone in the back asked, probably Springer.
"He's the bomb to my diggity," Ratchet said with a grin.
"That is just so wrong," Drift said.
"Grounds for divorce," Springer replied to general agreement.
"That's the second time one of you two mentioned divorce," Kup said. "You got anything you want to say for the good of the order? If we're going to talk about you later on, we want our facts straight."
Abuse flowed abundantly as Ratchet leaned forward. "Do you mean that one or both of you will be free soon? I got dibs on both of you."
"WHAT THE FRAG, OLD MECH!?" Ironhide erupted with predictable fury.
That of course met the usual flood of abuse allotted to Ironhide's jealous tirades. Prime who was leaning forward to be closer to Hero smirked with pleasure. He sat back and considered the remark. "You don't have a good marital track record, Springer. That would be the second failed marriage for you."
Everyone looked at the former Mrs. Optimus Prime and smirked. "And we do know who wore the dress in that relationship," Starscream said silkily.
Springer howled and grinned at Starscream. "I don't kiss and tell."
"I wish I knew what half of you were saying half of the time," Miler said shaking his helm with a smirk. "You're all off your processors. I think Ratchet is catching."
"I don't know," Alor said looking at his favorite son-in-law.
His only one.
"Ironhide is high maintenance. I'm his ada but I know that mech is high maintenance."
"He is," Ratchet said nodding. "Mech whines all the time."
"I don't whine. I just tell what I don't like in a loud voice," Ironhide reminded Ratchet.
That was memorized by half the room and scorned to the rim of the Pit by the other.
Chevron leaned forward and fixed a bemused optic on Springer and Drift. "We offer marital counseling, Sons of Primus."
Springer looked at the priest and grinned. "Do you allow swearing?"
Chevron looked at him a moment, then smiled beautifully. "What's swearing?"
The place erupted. The other priests just sat smiling like angels.
It was all good.
"I have an important question," Kup asked. Everyone looked at him. "How come there isn't anything to eat or drink at these things?"
"What would you suggest and I'll whip it up. Out of my aft," Ratchet said to everyone's delight including the priests who laughed. Miler on the other servo felt the burn. He was sitting next to Chevron.
Prowl who looked at Ratchet with a pointed smirk shook his helm. "There are priests here, blasphemer. Repent or know the wrath of someone." He looked at Chevron. "Does Unicron punish the iniquities of the Unbelievers?"
"Not if there's donuts," Chevron said. For a moment everyone blinked, then the roof got raised a few centimeters.
Hero who was chewing on a stylus held in Uncle O's servo startled. She looked at everyone over the top of the circle of Uncle O's arm and cried out. It was a tiny cry, a single shout into the chaos and it was followed by a weep.
A tiny weep.
It became totally silent, then all the Adas in the room automatically turned and held out their arms including Starscream. Uncle O picked her up and cuddled her, the tiny femme with drooping winglets holding his face with both miniscule servos.
It was AWESOME.
And sad.
But CUTE.
But pitiful.
"Aw. You have the touch," Springer said as Hero smiled at Optimus. He smiled back and sat her down with the stylus, which she began to chew in earnest.
"What did you say?" Kup said looking at Springer over his stogie. "Prime is touched?"
The download reference was made and thoroughly applauded/scorned/looked at askance because he was the Prime after all/chuckled at/filed away to be repeated later.
"Make an appointment, Kup. Your audials need a tuneup," Drift said with a grin.
"Nothing wrong with the audials, pup," Kup said sticking his stogie in his mouth.
"Least of your worries," Springer said with a grin.
Kup nodded. "Got that right, pup."
Springer looked at Ratchet. "He's more worried about the cosmic rust on his prong."
Optimus stowed Hero in his hold with the heat turned up and half the safe chewables within his considerable reach as the laughter reached lethal proportions.
Ratchet nearly fell off his chair. Ironhide actually smiled broadly and chuckled out loud.
Miler looked askance and ruffled on the out and inside.
Prowl looked askance on the outside even as he was doubled over on the inside.
Venture and Wheeljack were high fiving behind Perceptor's back. Perceptor was still trying to find the reference.
Starscream slid sideways in his chair, Thundercracker braced against the wall keeping him from a face plant as they laughed uproariously. The priests smiled broadly, their conversation and general follow up comments kept internal out of deference to Primus and The One.
Those two worthies would smile themselves because they were omnipotent and could hear them anyway. Solus would point out to Vector Prime two blazingly funny follow up comments and he would look at her puzzled because he wasn't even aware half the time that Mars and the Universe actually existed.
Omnipresent my left ped.
Herling and Nova would sit, the conversation between them held internally out of respect for the Matrix. Drift on the other servo was howling with laughter, leaning as far from Kup's swinging range as possible.
Caro glancing at Payload was scandalized.
Bulkhead was filming the whole thing for later viewing with the bond.
Scar was filming it for later viewing with the bond with the sound turned down so they could Mystery Science Theater 3000 it themselves.
"I'm coo coo for cocoa puffs."
It settled down as Ratchet straightened. "Cosmic rust. That always clears a room." He looked at Kup. "You do know the cure don't you. You have the disease, I have the solution. Use it or lose it."
The place fell apart again. Kup looked at Ratchet with annoyance. "What makes you think I need help in that area? I will tell you, none of my mechs complain."
"The operative word is 'none'," Springer said before getting an elbow in the chassis.
Mayhem ensued, then settled. Ratchet looked at Prime as he swiped his optics. "Tell us when you're fully entertained."
Prime sat back and vented a sigh. "That was good. Prowl, What's next?"
With a flourish that P. T. Barnum would admire, Prowl proffered his datapad. "All the military things, Judicial, Temple Report, Residence Human Group report, Home guard report and Kup's cosmic rust problem."
Bedlam wouldn't be too fine a point.
-0-Afterward
Hero was snug in her little bag as Ironhide and Ratchet wandered to the city from the Fortress. The meander took them into the Mall of Metroplex and The Sparkling Store. The place fairly groaned with wonderfulness as the information on hats and other warm gear for infant processor protection due to their new climate was really driving demand in the shops. They walked to a shelf over a case of booties and paused.
Ratchet held his smirk as he watched Ironhide look through the dainties finding just the right match for Hero's new hat that had just arrived. He picked up white booties and turned leading the way to the Seeker specialty section. A nice array of sacks hung and was displayed on the shelves. Ironhide looked at each one measuring it against the infant that would occupy it. Finding one with a little red car on the front and a tiny Autobrand on it's door, he took it as well as a soft blanket with the same design. The hats and booties were bigger for Seekers so he walked back to the other shelves and got what he needed.
"Nice choices, Ironhide," the sales mech said as he put them in the carry bag that everyone stowed in subspace.
Cut down on trash... use your own stuff. So said his ada back in the orn.
"Your order will be here in about four orns. The company in Vermont makes them to order and our sizes are specific."
Ironhide nodded and took the bag filled with Hero and Prowl's new things. "Thanks, Reno. I'll check in again."
"You're always welcome. Congratulations to both of you. I will be there tomorrow," the nice mech said. An atar to six of his own, he knew the meaning of suffering too.
They turned and walked out heading toward the apartment. When they arrived, Hero was in recharge so Ironhide put her in her crib. Walking out to the living room, Ironhide sat in HIS CHAIR and grinned at Ratchet. "Prime does love a joke."
"It's good for him. I love to get the ball rolling," Ratchet said. "We need to laugh as much as we can."
Ironhide nodded. "You pull those jokes with Springer to get a rise out of me don't you."
"You're just figuring it out?" Ratchet said poking Ironhide's ped with his own.
"I don't tend to stray to such thoughts."
"Oh, my. You are quite the lady aren't you. You mean to tell me that you don't think about other mechs just for fun?" Ratchet asked with a grin.
Ironhide looked at him, then shrugged. "I don't. Usually."
"Who?" Ratchet needled.
"Don't tell anyone."
"I won't," Ratchet lied.
"I can't get 'Two Moons Over Cybertron' out of my processor. Considering Prime was giving it good to me over and over, I find myself thinking of him when I think about such things, which isn't often mind you," he said with a smirk. "I find myself thinking about him if I ever do which I never do because I don't unless you needle me, then I do."
"Bluestreak, I do declare," Ratchet said with a laugh. "You do realize since the two of you are brothers that would be incest."
"Given the number of stories on the internet that have Sideswipe bringing the Doom of Unicron to Sunstreaker, I believe Primus might forgive me," Ironhide said with a smirk.
"I will try not to tell Optimus," Ratchet said nudging Ironhide's ped again.
"He already knows. We discussed that fiction's literary and social merits for about … oh? Zero point zero zero one nanoseconds."
"And the consensus opinion?" Ratchet asked.
"Nobel Prize runner up," Ironhide said. They both laughed a long time.
-0-At the Home Guard Office
"I want to sign up to learn how to shoot," Jade said pausing at the half door of the Home Guard Mustering Office in the Home Guard Hall under the city. It was vast and had gun lockers all along the walls. There were rows to sit and hear instruction as well as places to work out and learn combat fighting servo-to-servo. The office was near the main door.
"If you can come in and sit, I will see about putting you into the next rotation that begins in two orns," the Master of the Hall said opening the door.
Jade walked in and sat, the optics of everyone in the room watching as he did. He sat and the Master opened a screen. Taking preliminary data, he turned and smiled. "What would you want to be considered for as your specialty?"
Jade looked at him with a level optic. "I want to be a sniper."
-0-TBC
2013 (4)
Cocoa Puffs reference: On Mystery Science Theater 3000, Joel and the bots were watching a beach party movie. The hot/bad chick was walking to the 'good' boys and the movie's designated 'good girl=virgin'. She introduced herself. I can't remember it exactly but it was like, "I'm Carla Corelli." I think it was Crow who said, "I'm coo coo for cocoa puffs."
I nearly died. Really. :D