let's skip the whole 'sorry for the late update' think bc really this is nothing new and you should have accepted the fact that i'm a slow updating piece of shit by now :DDDD

but i've had fun writing these past few chapters. i hope that posting three chaps in a row will forgive some things?

REVIEWS:

Kalidreamine: Late as it may be, here are the new updates! Len Kagamine is a loser and there's a popular tag on tumblr that says 'damn u len' for a reason. Thank you for the review, though!

KagamineArimonori: I feel bad for always making Neru a bad character in my stories but it's like, she's there and she canonically likes Len, so why don't we use her! I'm despicable. Oh well. Thanks for the review!

TrueTerror:We're getting there. Just wait a little bit, and you'll get your wish ;). Thanks for the review!

HelloKitty55443: A Len POV is approaching, just a couple more chapters! Stay tuned! *whispers* by the way, you seem to be the only one who's noted that Len is obviously already in love with Rin. *fistbump* Shit, did I just spoil something? hmm... nah. Thanks for the review!

Guest88: WATCH IT WATCH IT WATCH IT YOU WON'T REGRET IT. It totally renewed my love for Disney movies. Thanks for the review!

rockstar297: sorry it's so late, but it's here now! i hope you stuck around long enough! Thanks for the review!

w:I'm glad you liked it! It's what I'm here for! And about BAMS, it's... complicated. I'm planning on continuing it, but it's under major construction. Looking back on it, there are a lot of things in there I am not happy with, so I might just come out with a new version of it as soon as I'm done with Behind His Sadistic Smile and Secret Sins. Trust me, it's not over! I'm glad you care uwu Thanks for the review!

web2theweb1:I'm glad you think so! Thanks for the review!

Disclaimer: damn u crypton

I line up the volleyball in my hand in front of me, leveling it to just the right angle. I toss it up high, and jump with all I've got. My hand connected with the ball with a loud and satisfying smack. The ball sails over the net, nailing the corner of the opposite court.

"Nice hit, Rin-chan! Boy, you're on fire today! Keep it up!" Couch Nekomura cheered.

I barely give her a nod before I reach down to grab another ball to hit. Volleyball has always been a good outlet for me, since it usually helps me calm down when I'm stressed or angry. All of my serves and hits have been spot on today, but I can't seem to shake myself out of my troubles.

Idiot, a voice snickered in the back of my mind, it's going to take a lot more than hitting volleyballs to take your mind off of this one.

Shut up, I told it. It was right, of course, but I'd rather turn my emotions to anger than to sadness.

Miku seemed to be in the same boat as me, too, since she'd hit two balls on one poor girl's head in a row in the past ten minutes. She'd called me early one morning a few days ago to tell me that Kaito had broken it off. She said that she wouldn't be surprised if she saw his arm around Sakine-san's waist by the time we went back to school. It was strange, though, how after she had told me about the breakup, that she didn't speak a single word about Kaito again.

Luka, an old friend of ours, didn't look too happy either. She kept sending stares in Miku's direction, as if she was upset with her. Whenever Miku caught the glance, she quickly looked away and looked guilty. What was going on with those two, I didn't know, but I wanted to find out.

You've got your own problems to figure out, that voice hissed.

Which is the exact reason why I should worry about others instead of thinking about my situation.

I was still buried deep in thought when a volleyball hit me smack-dab in the forehead. A tiny girl with a cute pixie cut said about fifty apologies in five seconds flat, but I waved her off and said that it was okay.
I need to get my head on straight…

Secret Sins

Chapter 5

Ms. Brightside

"Alright girls, nice job for now. Go get a drink," Coach said after blowing her whistle to round us all up.

The group dispersed, and Miku and I went to go to the water fountain. I was bent over and getting a drink when Luka approached us. I didn't miss Miku flinching when she saw her. Luka crossed her arms and looked at Miku directly, as if I weren't even there. "Rin-san, would you mind if I talked with Miku-san alone for a minute? It's kind of important."

Miku looked at me with panic and shook her head back and forth, but I already felt awkward enough, so I nodded and left to go back to the gym. Miku mouthed at me, traitor, but I smirked at her and ignored it.

I turned around the door of the gym. I leaned against it and peeked around the corner. It's rude to eavesdrop, but I wanted to see what was going on between them. Miku was my friend. I wanted to know if Luka was causing her trouble or anything.

"Have you made up your mind yet?" Luka asked when she thought I was out of earshot.

"No- I mean, I've been thinking about it, but it's kind of a big step, you know?"

I raised my eyebrows. Big step? What does that mean? When did they get so close? I thought that they had stopped being friends a while ago, after the Vocaloid 8. Has Miku been hanging out with her lately? And if so, why didn't she tell me?

"Are you embarrassed of me?" asked Luka quietly.

"No! That's not it at all!" Miku replied immediately.

Luka looked close to tears. "Then what is it? What are you so afraid of?"

Miku was tongue-tied. "I just… don't want… for people to misunderstand…"

To Miku and my surprise, Luka took her by the shoulders. "It doesn't matter what they think! It's about us, not them. It was never about them."

"I know that, it's just-"

A whistle pierced the air. "Huddle up! We've got one more drill before practice is over, so don't think you can slack off now!" Our coach called.

For the rest of practice, I couldn't keep my mind off of Miku and Luka. Big step? Embarrassing? What was going on between them…

When practice was over and I was gathering up my things, I turned my head at the last moment to see Miku and Luka leaving together. I couldn't help but feel a little hurt, since Miku left without as much as a small wave. I looked side to side to make sure no one was watching, then I followed them out into the crisp November air. I lost them for a moment, but then I heard the sound of footsteps and something be slammed against the alley wall next to the gym building. I immediately ran in that direction. Was Luka hurting Miku? Why?

Though when I pivoted on my heel to look into the alleyway, I found that Luka was doing the absolute opposite of hurting her.

She had Miku pinned up against the wall, and the two were heavy in a make out session. I blinked and rubbed my eyes, squinting to make sure I was seeing what I thought I was seeing. I may have gasped, because they immediately took notice of me before I could run and get the hell out of there. "R-R-Rin!" Miku sputtered, her face the color of a tomato.

"Rin-san?" Luka said breathlessly and scrambled away from Miku.

"That explains a lot," I blurted stupidly.

"Eh?! That's all? No screams of horror, or 'you're disgusting, how could you have not told me all this time?!'" Miku shrieked, her flush not disappearing.

"I'm not horrified. I mean, yeah, I'm surprised, but I'm a little pissed you never thought to tell me," I shrugged.

"So you thought she was straight?" Luka asked, surprisingly calm.

"As an arrow. But I suppose that arrow points to women," I said nonchalantly.

Miku sighed and fell to the ground, putting her head in her hands. "I'm sorry… I should have told you… It would have been better than you finding out like this…"

"How about we change the venue so we can talk about this more? This alley's giving me the creeps."

"Two months?" I exclaimed in disbelief.

"Two and a half, but who's counting," Luka a mumbled and took another sip of her tea.

"It was just so strange… I was dating Kaito back then, but then Luka and I started talking again. I've never felt that way around a girl before. I thought it might have been admiration for such a great volleyball player, but it turns out that wasn't it at all," Miku sighed, with a slight blush on her cheeks.

I couldn't help but smiling. I'd never seen her so happy around someone before, not even Kaito. Luka looked at her like she was the only person in the world, too…

Ah, so this is what mutual love is like…

That familiar hurt creeped up into my heart again. No. Don't think like that. This is about Miku and Luka's love, not yours.

"So are you two planning to come out?" I asked, clenching my iced tea tightly.

They both looked down at the table. Luka's hand tightened around Miku's. "We've been discussing it… I just… would hate to cause a rift between Luka-chan and her parents."

"My parents are both very religious. They think that homosexuality is one of the greatest sins one could commit. They'd never let me see Miku again, and that's best case scenario," Luka murmured and grimaced.

"We'd be shunned by so many people… I wasn't expecting you to be so open to it, Rin, in all honesty. But others won't be so accepting…" Miku looked like she might cry.

I suddenly grabbed both of their hands. They looked up at me with surprise. "You may be write about those things. But there is always going to be people who don't feel that way. Mikuo would support you all the way, Miku. He may not act like it, but he loves you more than anything. And Luka, your parents may not be very comfortable with it at first, but I'm sure they can learn to understand you. You two can't lose hope. You'll feel better when you let out the truth," I said, pouring my heart out to them.

They both stared at me for the longest time, then Miku started crying and lunged across the table to hug me. "Rin, you're the best friend I could ever have, and I'm not just saying that. Thank you. Thank you so much," she sobbed, holding me tight.

I pat her back. "It's the truth."

After about five minutes, Miku straightened herself out and sat back in her seat. Luka smiled at me. "Really, Rin-san. Thank you. We won't hide anymore. I'm willing to face anything, as long as I can stay with her."

My heart just about melted, seeing how much Luka cared for my friend. "No problem. I wish you two the best of luck. And please, just call me Rin."

Len was always known as the more responsible twin. He always turned his assignments in on time, stayed out of trouble, and never stayed out past curfew. He was always the one to reign me in when I got too wild. The only times he ever did anything that was remotely against the rules was when he was with me, or when he took the blame for me when I did something really bad.

So you could imagine how surprised I was when I learned that he had gone out for the night.

I found out when I arrived home. I had gone up to his room to tell him about Miku and Luka's good news, but found that when he didn't answer, he wasn't ignoring me. He was not even in the room. I looked around for him and called his name, wondering if he was hiding and waiting to jump out at me and make me almost wet my pants.

My mother sat on the couch, reading a book. She looked up at me over her reading glasses and asked, "Rin, are you looking for something?"

"Yeah, Len, actually."

"Ah, he didn't tell you? He went out tonight. Some girl named Akita was having a party, and he got invited," she told me, looking almost amused for some reason.

A wave of hurt rushed through me. Len never, ever went to a social event without me. I usually had to drag him with me, and when we got there, he just sat in the corner, on his phone the entire time. "Ah, did he…" I murmured.

"You can probably still change and go if you hurried," Mom suggested halfheartedly.

My bangs covered my eyes as I turned for the stairs and I shook my head. "Nah… I wasn't invited."

"Oh, I see. Well, goodnight, Rin. Sweet dreams," she sang and went back to her book, as if I had never been there.

I climbed up the stairs and went into the bathroom. I slammed the door behind me and stripped, tossing my clothes into a pile on the cold floor. I yanked open the glass shower door and turned up the water to the hottest temperature it would go. I stood with my back against the searing hot water, wanting to break something.

I thought about Miku and Luka to try and feel better. But all I could think about was that they were so lucky to have each other. They had both fallen in love with someone that was supposed to be off limits, but it worked out because of their mutual affections.

How weird is it, I wondered, for two people to love each other at the same time? To love someone deeply and be sure that they loved you just as much?

I had picked up a shampoo bottle, but I clenched it so hard that the cap burst open and the shampoo squirted all over the shower floor.

Why? Why did I have to fall in love with someone that was completely off limits, so off limits it was against the damn law? Why did I have to fall for him, who could never love me like that in return. It wasn't fair. Why couldn't I have fallen for someone else, anyone else…

I leaned against the wall and slid to the floor, wrapping my arms around my knees. Even if there was a chance that he could love me like that, what would happen next? We couldn't date, we couldn't marry, and we certainly could never have children. We'd be stuck. We weren't like Miku and Luka, who could come out if they had enough courage. Sure, they'd receive plenty of discrimination and prejudice, but their feelings couldn't get them arrested.'

I eventually stopped moping on the floor, only because Mom knocked on the door and yelled that she'd shut the water off if I didn't get out soon. I tried to focus my attention on making my hair nice and silky, and scrubbing off all the sweat and grime that gathered on my skin from volleyball. After I got out, I wrapped myself in a towel and raced down the cold hallway to get to my bedroom..

I dropped my towel when I got safely into my room. I walked over to the dresser to grab some clothes, but my eyes caught my naked body in the mirror. I stopped, and looked myself over.

My skin was pale as could be from lack of sunlight. I was thin, which I could imagine some girls would gaze at with envy, but it was more of a burden than a blessing. I got made fun of for it sometimes, and my breasts were smaller than almost every girl in my class. They'd grown a little bit over the years, but even I knew that they'd never be as big as someone like Luka's or Meiko's. I momentarily wondered what size Len liked. Of course he was probably like most guys, liking melons or whatever they called them. I shook myself off. Why should I care? It was pointless anyway.

I changed into my usual boxer shorts and t-shirt pajamas, and ran a comb through my short hair. That was one of the advantages of not having long hair, not having to sit and brush out all of the tangles. When I was finished I curled up under my covers and left the lamp off. The moon outside was light enough. I stared at the ceiling and wondered what Len was up to.

What was it that would make him suddenly want to be social? He was never like that before, and even if he was, he would invite me along. Was he angry with me? God forbid, did he find out that I was in love with him?

No, that couldn't be. I've made sure to distance myself from him since I figured out my feelings, so I haven't given him any reason to think that.

Even so… I wonder what he's doing.

My mind conjured up an image of him leaning against a lamppost. Neru was there too, her hair curled and shining like gold, touching his back and getting in his personal space. He didn't mind, in fact, he encouraged it, wrapping an arm around her waist and wearing a smirk that looked nothing like the Len I knew.

The vision sends a feeling like a stab to the gut, and I want it to stop. My mind won't stop showing me the scene, however. It won't go away, even if I open my eyes.

Neru pulls out her beloved cell phone and calls up a cab. She offers him a cigarette, which he debates taking for a minute. He decides that he may as well throw away one more responsibility, and lights it up. I can almost smell the tobacco, even though this is all in my head.

The cab pulls up, and Neru giggles, obviously drunk off her ass, asking the driver to take them to the nearest love hotel. Len has his arm around her, and he's still wearing that smirk that sends chills down my spine.

And then they're suddenly at the love hotel, with Len on the bed and Neru straddling him with flushed cheeks. My heart feels like it's been ripped out when I see her running her hands up and down his chest, her golden eyes gleaming with lust. Len's no better, his fingers skimming her legs and up to the skirt of her tight dress, slowly lifting it up, as if he was prolonging the torture just for me.

Hot tears streamed down my cheeks before I knew it, and I rolled over in my bed to bury my face in my pillow. I screamed with all my might into the pillow, knowing it would only come out quiet and muffled.

Why do I do this to myself? Just let me go, stop making me feel like this. I never wanted this. If only Mikuo hadn't kissed me, if only I didn't see Len there, if only I didn't want to kiss my brother. It was a dumb kiss that started this all. I never wanted this. Never in my worst nightmare.

I suddenly heard the sound of a car pulling up in the driveway, and the sound of young people laughing. My heart beat just a little faster. I rolled out of bed and went to the window to peek. Sure enough, it was Rei's car. I saw Len climb out and wave, laughing, and Neru jump out of the car to give him a kiss. She missed a little, and only got his chin, but he didn't give her any time to correct herself. He waved one more time and approached the house.

I couldn't help but feel a little giddy. He was home, and it wasn't even that late. He was still regular old Len. He would never stay out too long after curfew, he just wasn't like that. My feet took my out of my room and down the steps to go meet him.

I watched from the staircase as he kicked off his shoes and hung up his coat. I could help but notice that something was off, like the way his left shoe took him a few moments to get off, or how he missed the hook the first time he tried to hang his coat.

"Le-" I started, but his name caught in my throat when he turned to look toward the sound of my voice.

His entire face was flushed, and his eyes normally alert eyes were cloudy and distant. Half of his shirt was unbuttoned and untucked. He looked so out of it when he set his eyes on me, giving me a look that made me super uncomfortable.

My brother was absolutely shitfaced.

My smile faded, and my 'welcome back' died in my throat. I felt a familiar lump in my throat again. I had to get out of there before I started crying my eyes out in front of him.

"Rin? What are you doing up? Thought for sure you'd of gone to sleep hours ago," Len slurred, laughing at his own joke.

It was scary and heartbreaking to see him in such a state. I have always, always had a fear of a drunk people, especially men, and Len knew that. We had promised each other that we would never become one of those blubbering idiots. But here he was, as intoxicated as the adults he'd comforted me about when we were young.

I turned on my heel and sprinted up the stairs, stumbling down the hall and fumbling frantically to open my bedroom door. Len called after me, still in that horrible drunken voice. I finally opened the door as he reached the top of the stairs, and slammed it behind me, turning the lock and falling onto the floor in a ball of tears and sobs. My twin couldn't get the hint, it seemed, and kept knocking on the door and calling my name. Each knock sent a new wave of fear and heartbreak through my body.

I eventually got tired, but I couldn't fall asleep either. Len's knocks and voice got quieter over time, sounding more and more sober. After a few hours, he sounded like himself again. "Rin?" he said quietly through the door.

I sniffled and wiped my nose. "Go away," I hiccupped.

"Rin, please. I'm so, so sorry. Let me in," he pleaded.

"You promised," I trembled.

He was silent. He knew. He remembered the promise, too. The horrible and bitter part of my mind cackled with glee. He was guilty. He deserved to be guilty. I wanted him to hurt like I did.

"Please, sis'-"

"Just leave me alone," I hissed.

"I can explain-"

"That's what you always say. Every time you shut me out and I finally show some emotion, you always say that. You always say that you're sorry and that you'll try to be better, and it always ends the same!" I blurted.

I had laid it all out on the table. All of the words that I had kept to myself all these years were finally out. I had thought that would make me feel better, but all I felt was numb and empty.

"Listen-"

"All I want is to be close to you, close like we used to be, but all you ever do is make me feel like you hate me. If you do, just come out and say it, instead of just toying around with me like this-"

"Shut up! You don't understand anything! Of course I want to be close to you! That's all I've ever wanted! But I just can't, okay?! Someday I'll finally be able to tell you. But don't you ever say that I hate you. That's the biggest pile of bullshit I've ever heard, because it's so untrue," he fumed.

I was crying again. I wasn't sure if it were of sadness of our situation or happiness to hear he didn't despise me.

So, where do we go from here? We're running around each other in circles. I'm chasing him, because I want him to be close and hold me dear, and he wants to be far, far away from here, because he just hold that relationship with me anymore. We're both scared and confused, and unless one of us is brave, we'll get nowhere. We can be fixed, but it will take a lot of work and patience that I'm not sure either of us have in our hearts.

We were falling apart; but this incident was the beginning of an entire new stage of our lives. We just didn't know it yet.

I do wonder sometimes if anyone else is as terrified of drunk people as I am. I know that most of the time drunks are harmless, but I do wish that intoxicated sexual harassment wasn't so glorified in fics in the Vocaloid fandom. It can be very traumatizing and not "cute" or "sexy" at all to some people.

~But enough with my unpopular opinion~

ANGST is the word for this chapter. I'm really sorry if it was boring to some people, but I really wanted to put in some of the after effects of realizing love for someone you shouldn't. I'm a jumbo hypocrite for saying this, but I'm really tired of all the "i'm in love with my twin oopsies lmao what are you gonna do" kind of thing done in most Kagaminecest fics I've read. I think there would be some severe emotional damage done, you know? I dunno, I'm weird like that.

On a side note, I made a very big reference to a song in this chapter. If you didn't get it from the title, it's Mr. Brightside by the Killers. This song just was perfect for this chapter and how Rin was feeling.

I'm going to post the next two chapters in a couple minutes, so stay tuned!