I had obviously fallen asleep with my mouth open, because when I finally awoke the next morning, my throat felt unbelievably dry. I was freezing in my short little boxer shorts, and wondered momentarily why the bed felt so stiff or why there was a lack of a comforter to give me warmth. When I opened my eyes I saw that I wasn't on my bed at all, instead on the floor of my bedroom. All confusion disappeared, though, when I remembered the events of the night before.
It was the first time we had really fought in a while, aside from the Mikuo incident. This time was about us, not some stupid boy. I felt hollow, and guilt for taking all of my anger out on him finally set in.
I finally rose from the floor some time later, and checked my alarm clock. It read 10:00, to my surprise. I never sleep in that late. Then again, I never stay that late into the night, either, I thought bitterly.
I decided to go downstairs to find something to eat, because my stomach sounded like a mac truck with the loud noises it was making. I opened my bedroom door, but was surprised when a teenage boy's upper body smacked against the ground, presumably because he had been leaning on the door.
Len stayed there all night? Even after he could hear that I had gone to sleep?
I finally felt warm again, and I knew that all was forgiven in my heart for his drunken adventures the night before. I was becoming such a pushover.
I knelt down next to his head, brushing aside his soft and messy blonde locks. He looked so peaceful when asleep, like all his stress and worry was never there in the first place. He was beautiful. Before I could talk myself out of it, I planted a soft kiss onto his forehead. "I'm sorry," I whispered, and then did my best to not wake him up as I moved him to his bedroom.
That was enough for me.
Secret Sins
Chapter 6
Tell Me Why
I'm not sure when Len woke up, but I know that he was out of the house by about two. It was probably for the best. He may have been the mature sibling, but he was just as hot blooded as I was. We both needed some time to cool down and be away from each other.
I had no plans for the day, and since doing homework was not one of my largest priorities on a Sunday (that is, until it's about 10 at night and probably have a panic attack), I just sat around and watched TV. I ate popcorn and snuggled under the blankets, watching trashy shows that were so staged it was entertaining. After about an hour, I saw that something was resting on the coffee table. It was a large book, and when I turned it over right side up, I could see that it was a photo-album.
I smiled, turning the TV down a bit and getting comfortable on the couch again. I flipped through the pages. It began with a picture of Mom with a wicked perm, and Dad with an unfortunate mullet in high school. As the pictures went on, they showed the different stages of their relationship: Prom, dating, 'going steady' (du-hur), engaged, married, and expecting. Dad always told us that they had wished for twins in the very beginning, but Mom would mouth 'BS' when he wasn't paying attention.
The first picture of me and Len was one of us while we were in the hospital. It was just two days after Christmas, so we were fitted with reindeer print pajamas. We looked identical, with the same little blonde tufts of hair on the tops of our heads. Our Uncle called us Fluff One and Fluff Two, though he never knew who was who every time.
The average baby pictures ensued; the signature bathtub pics, rosy cheeked photos with the grandparents from all the cheek pinching, birthday photos with frosting all over our hands and faces, etc.. I came across a picture of us twins on the first day of school.
We had a single backpack, the left strap on Len's shoulder and the right on mine. We had our backs to the camera, so you could only see the backpack and our determined stances with our hands on our hips, ready to take school on. It's funny looking at it now, because I came back from school and was simply awestruck when I learned that it was going to be a everyday thing from then on.
Then there were the Halloween costumes. Being twins, our parents could never resist putting us in costumes that corresponded with each other. Thing One and Thing Two, doll twins, a princess and her servant (I liked that one), an angel and a demon, a scientist and a robot, each other, a criminal and police officer, the list went on. It was a shame that we got too old to go out. Even though it was our parents that forced us to dress up, it was still fun.
Time went on and the pictures started to go into our middle school years, or as we called it, the Vocaloid Era. I smiled with nostalgia as I looked at photos of us just messing around at the studio, pissing off the manager and doing nothing productive. There was one picture in particular that made me laugh. It was a picture of Len, Kaito, Meiko, and I, with Len in a recliner, Meiko with a needle and a potato, and Kaito and I grinning in the background. Blue studs could be seen in both of Len's ears as he scowled at the camera. The story was one of the best memories I had.
"Kaito wins again!" Miku exclaimed, drumming a spoon on top of an empty pudding cup to represent a bell.
The band was seated around a wooden round table. Song sheets littered the couches, but no one paid them any mind at the moment. Kaito was practically sparkling with pride, and Gakupo rubbed his arm with a pout. They'd been having arm wrestling competitions all afternoon, and Kaito seemed to always be victorious. I wasn't doing too bad myself, having beaten all of the girls and my brother. But my arm was like a twig against Kaito, and I lost after a second after the bell.
"Ho ho ho ho~ Anyone else dare to face the mighty arm of doom?!" Kaito bellowed joyfully.
Meiko grinned. "Everyone's gone against you and lost. Well, except for Len."
Everyone's gaze landed on my twin. He raised his head out of the bag of chips. "Nope. I'm good," he munched.
Gumi appeared next to him and put her arm around him. "Come on, just imagine. You could be the underdog that everyone bets on losing and then suddenly, BAM! You knock everyone's socks off by winning by sheer luck!"
He shrugged her off. "No. It's a dumb game, anyway," he said boringly.
I raised my eyebrows at him. "Oh yeah? That's not what you said when you were going on and on about how you were so gonna beat me earlier when we went against each other!"
He threw a chip at me, which I caught with my mouth. "Not helping!" he hissed.
"What if you guys set up a bet?" Miku suggested coyly.
That seemed to spark Len's interest a bit. "Okay, so if I win, what do I get?" he asked Kaito.
Kaito rubbed his chin. "How about, if God blesses you with some kind of miracle and you win, I'll make your lunch for a month."
"GAYYYYYYYY!" Gumi and Gakupo both hollered and Meiko catcalled.
"Deal. So, if you win, what do you want? Free access to copying my homework for a month?" Len asked.
Kaito put his arm around my shoulders. "Nah, when you lose, I'll just kiss your sister."
"WHAT?!" the entire room shrieked, perhaps me and Len the loudest.
"No way, you sicko!" Len exclaimed.
"Deal's been made. Beat me, and it won't happen, but if you forfeit, I'll just do it anyway," Kaito said happily.
Len groaned in aggravation and stomped over to the table. He sat down in the seat directly across from the other boy. He put out his arm and set it in position.
I leaned over to Kaito's ear and whispered, "I don't remember agreeing to this."
He laughed softly and said only loud enough for us to hear, "Don't worry. I'm not going to kiss you. I just knew that this would make Len put up a decent fight. We'll figure out another compensation when he loses."
"Ah," I said in understanding and relaxed a bit.
Miku, glaring at Kaito, stood in front of the pudding cup once again. The boys clasped hands, Len scowling and grumbling under his breath and Kaito grinning like an idiot. "1, 2, 3," Miku 'rang the bell', "GO!"
Kaito's arm was already dominating Len's. It was all my poor twin could do to keep his hand from hitting the table, but he held a good fight. He was sweating bullets, though, and I wondered how long he would last. I couldn't help but root for him.
A gasp escaped from my mouth when Len started to gain ground, making their hands level again. He let out a grin of his own as he started to overpower Kaito's strength. Everyone was on the edge of their seat when Kaito's hand was about to hit the table. Len seemed pretty surprised himself. But all that was gone when the blue haired boy laughed evilly and said, "Just kidding," then slammed Len's hand onto the table.
Len turned white as a sheet. He stared at is his defeated hand in disbelief. "B-But- I totally had him-"
"So it looks like I win~! Pucker up little lady-" Kaito made kissing noises and got a bit too close to my face.
"Wait! I'll do anything else!" Len insisted.
I felt flattered somehow. It felt good to know he was protective of me. A flush filled my cheeks.
"Hey, Kaito, I've got an idea. What if we made Len get his ears pierced?" Meiko asked.
"Nope nope nope nope nope, french kiss my sis', I don't care, but you are notputting that needle in my ear!" Len panicked as he squirmed against Gumi and Gakupo, who held his arms down on the recliner.
"Hey!" I snapped at the french kiss comment.
Meiko rolled her eyes. She cut a raw potato in half, holding the needle in between her teeth. "Oh please, stop being such a baby. It's gonna look awesome! I've done this a million times," her many earrings sparkling on her ears.
"I'm a boy! What cool boy has his ears pierced?!" he whined.
"A lot of boys in popular bands do," Gumi suggested.
"Len, just calm down, it's only gonna hurt more if you move around too much," I tried to comfort him.
He rolled his eyes and relaxed, defeated. "You're lucky I'm your brother."
I laughed and said, "Don't get too full of yourself."
"Alright, time to sit still. It's only going to hurt for a little bit. Maybe if you're a good little boy I'll give you a lollipop," Meiko teased, smirking.
Len rolled his eyes again (I was concerned that they were going to roll out of his head some day soon), and snapped, "Just shut up and do it."
He gripped the arms of the chair and squeezed his eyes shut tight, waiting. Meiko pressed the potato against the back of his left earlobe. She got out a pen and made a mark where she planned to make the piercing. "Are you done yet," Len asked, raising his eyebrows hopefully.
"Not even close, boy," she chuckled, "Here we go. I'll do it on three."
Len braced himself.
"1, 2…" she inserted the needle.
Len jerked his shoulders, opening his eyes to glare at Meiko. "You said on three!"
Meiko shrugged. "The three was silent," she turned to Miku, "Wash off those studs you're wearing and give them to me. He needs a starter pair."
Len bristled as Miku nodded and rushed off to the bathroom to clean the earrings. "That's hardly sanitary," he muttered only loud enough for me to hear.
Miku came back and gave the earrings to Meiko, who inserted the first stud with a certain lack of gentleness. The same procedure went for the right ear, Len thankfully not flinching so much on the second try. Gumi fished a mirror out of her purse and gave it to my brother, grinning wickedly. He looked in the mirror, looking like he might cry. "I look ridiculous."
Kaito and Gakupo were snickering in the corner. "On the contrary, Len. I think it looks kind of cute," I said honestly.
His eyes widened a bit and he looked away.
Miku whipped out her cellphone. "Photo time!"'
An assortment of squeals from the girls and a loud groan from my twin followed as Len, Kaito, Meiko, and I lined up for the picture. Kaito and I sat behind the chair, smiles stretching from ear to ear, Len in the front, with a scowl that could rival Ebenezer Scrooge's, and Meiko holding the instruments of Len's despair in her hands.
Miku took the picture with a 'click' and the memory was now permanent, no matter how hard Len tried to erase it.
I wondered if he still had that pair of studs somewhere. I doubted it. Miku hadn't wanted them, as they were 'infested with Len germs.' He probably let the holes close up over time. Perhaps he wasn't as nostalgic as I was.
Come to think of it, that was one of the last good days I had with Len. If I remember correctly, it was only a few weeks later that he had started ignoring and avoiding me. I searched my brain and scoured over different memories of those weeks, wondering if one of them had been the cause of our falling out. Nothing particularly stood out.
I leafed through more pictures. Most of them from that time on were just formal photos. There's one family photo in which Len and I are sitting about two feet away from each other, when we were supposed to be shoulder to shoulder. I remember that morning, while getting ready for the photo, when he refused to even change in the same room as me. I had felt so hurt then. That was the first time he had blatantly refused to be near me.
More awkward family photos, vacation photos at the lake of the two of us doing specifically separate activities, first day of school pictures, etc. One first day picture caught my eye. It was actually the beginning of this year, and I had somehow convinced Len to let me hold onto his arm for the photo. I was smiling wide and bright, but my brother looked like he had a grenade attached to his arm. His smile was forced. His cheeks were red and rosy, and his blue eyes were filled with an abundance of emotions impossible to all be accounted for.
A crazy thought came to mind. What if he was so uncomfortable around me because… he was attracted to me? Did his attraction to me force himself to push me away. Was he avoiding me because he didn't want to… do anything to me?
No, I thought, that's not possible. There has to be another reason.
But the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. He didn't want to change in the same room because it would tempt him. He didn't like touching because it made him nervous that he might take things too far. He wanted to be away from me so the attraction would go away.
You're delusional. You're so in love that you're making up fantasies.
Delusional as it may be, I found myself wanting to take a risk. If my theory was correct, could we get somewhere? Did he only lust for my body, but still not love me in that way? Was he aware of my feelings? There was only one way to truly find out. I'd have to make my feelings for him known. It could end well or ruin everything. If I went through with it, I'd be laying everything on the line.
I glanced at the time. It was already half past five. I somehow knew that Len wouldn't be coming home late that night. We still had issues we needed to talk out, and he'd had time to cool off. I put away the photo album and ran up the stairs, a new energy filling my body.
I was always the more courageous twin, anyway.
The air felt cool on my exposed legs. It was eight o'clock. I had a dinner of half an omelette, since popcorn left me fairly unhungry. Papa was still at work, and Mama was out of town again for the night. Len texted me just a bit earlier, telling me that he had already eaten and that he would be home right about now. Every minute that passed made my senses tingle.
All of my other pajamas were in the wash, and the clothes I had lounged around in today got an orange juice stain on them. I was left with the only thing left in my drawers - a beautiful nightdress that my aunt had gotten me for my seventeenth birthday. If was white, with ruffles and the softest material I'd ever worn. It came up pretty high on my legs, however, and I found myself grumbling that if my theory was correct, this attire would not help my situation with my brother one bit.
The front door just opened.
I shouldn't be doing this. I should just pretend I'm asleep and that nothing ever happened.
But I remained sitting on the end of my bed, waiting for the inevitable knock on my door. I could hear his footsteps - which fortunately were not giving any sign of intoxication, like the night before - and my heart beat against my chest harder than it ever had before. This was it. The end of our conversation would end in disaster or success, though I still wasn't quite sure what success meant just yet.
His knuckles rapped on my door. It's time. "Rin? Are you awake?" his voice asked.
"Yeah," I answered, trying to sound as if I hadn't been waiting for him.
"Can I come in? I want to talk about last night," he said, just as I had expected.
"Yeah, let yourself in."
The doorknob turned, and suddenly he was there standing in my room. The sight seemed almost unfamiliar, since he came in here so rarely in these days.
His eyes were like irons, rolling over my body and dress quickly and filling my cheeks with heat. There's a silence between us for a while.
"Where were you?" I asked, trying to sound lighthearted.
"Out," he said vaguely.
I raised an eyebrow.
"At Kaito's," he admitted.
I nodded.
"I want to say I'm sorry again. About last night. About being stupid. About getting drunk. About breaking our promise," he started, leaning against the now closed door.
"It's okay. I forgive you. I overreacted, anyway. I shouldn't be afraid of that kind of stuff anymore," I replied.
He frowned. "Still. It was a really dick move, and I feel horrible for putting you through that. I want to know… if there's anything I can do to make it up to you."
Bingo. I found my opening. I can bring it up.
"I suppose there is one thing," I said innocently.
Len looked suspicious. "What is it?"
"I want you to tell me what we were talking about last night," I blurted.
Len narrowed his eyes. "Tell you what?" he asked, playing dumb.
I got off my bed and leaned against the footboard, standing up. "You know exactly what I'm talking about."
He flinched. "Anything else. Please."
"Len," I begged, "Stop. Stop keeping whatever it is from me. I want to move on, and the only way I can is if we can work this out."
"Why is it you care so much?" he snapped.
My words caught in my throat. My fingers trembled. "I… Because…"
He waited patiently for an answer.
"It's because…"
It's now or never.
"I love you."
I said it, it was on the table. I waited for Len to retreat in disgust , to recoil and call me out on my sickness, but to my surprise, he only was silent. There was conflict going on in those beautiful eyes of his. After a moment he replied calmly, "I love you too, sis."
He was giving me a chance to take it back. I could tell that he was afraid that he knew what I really had meant, but he also knew I was just as afraid, so he was daring me to stand firm or act like I hadn't said it.
"Not in that way. You know what I mean," I said with as much courage as I could muster.
He hesitated. He was steeling himself. "No. No, you don't. "
I had to be strong. "Yes, I do."
"No... you can't. You don't love me that way," he insisted, sounding like he was trying to convince himself more than he was trying to convince me.
He was panicked, his face full of dread. The sight broke my heart. He didn't seem disgusted with me; rather disgusted with himself instead, for reasons unknown to me.
"No... you couldn't have contracted this... disease... this sickness..."
"Len, what are you talking about?!" I asked, scared.
"You don't have to act. I don't want to pull you into this if you just pity me. I want you to forget about me and move on with your life, not having to pretend to be as sinful as your dumb twin brother. Please... don't do this to yourself."
There were tears in his eyes, a scene I haven't seen in what seems like forever. What I had thought before was confirmed.
It seemed like everything moved in slow motion as I slid off the bed and walked to him. His head was hanging low with shame. I stepped in front of him, cupping his wet cheeks in my hands and bringing his watering eyes to lock with mine. "Not a chance. I am not going to forget you. Ever. Because, whether you want to believe it or not, I love you, and that's not going to change," I told him, brushing his tears away with my thumb.
He looked down at me, his eyes wide and vulnerable. "Do... Do you mean it? You're not just trying to make me happy?"
"I love you. I love your smile, I love your eyes, I love your voice, I love your personality, I love your flaws," I stroked his cheek soothingly and smiled genuinely at him, "Len, I'm in love with you."
I leaned up on my toes a bit, bringing us close enough that our noses brushed. "You don't always have to be so strong," I whispered.
I then dared to press my lips upon his, kissing him soft and slow. I tried to send him all my emotions through that kiss, tell him that everything was going to be alright, that I earnestly loved him so, and that he needn't beat himself up anymore.
With that simple kiss, I broke whatever sliver of restraint had in his body.
Ugh, I'm sorry I'm such a lame writer. Everything I write is cheesy. I guess this is what I get for becoming such a hopeless romantic. Nonetheless, I hope you enjoyed!