"Up in Flames"

Lucawindmover

Chapter Eight

"Keeping Up"

Bellamy remembered waking up the first time but it had seemed like some kind of dream. He knew he'd seen Clarke there, seemingly safe and sound as she was able to pick at him. He thought he'd managed a clever comeback but he wasn't sure. He hoped he hadn't actually heard Finn's voice next to him as he'd fallen asleep, but he couldn't remember if he had or if he'd only dreamed that.

Waking up the second time was altogether different. His body didn't seem so sluggish and his eyes were actually cooperating. He opened them and turned his head, trying to take in the space around him.

But apparently he had a guard. Or a nurse, he wasn't sure.

"Hey," Jasper said from a chair that was pulled up at the end of the bed. He'd had his feet propped up on the bed and his chair came down on all four legs with a thud. "You're awake."

He nodded and tried to swallow but his throat felt raw. "Where's Clarke?" he asked in a scratchy whisper.

Jasper jerked his thumb over his shoulder. "She's asleep. We finally got her back to bed after she fell asleep sitting up."

Bellamy's brow furrowed as he sat up. Jasper handed him a cup of water, which he took and gladly drained.

"How long have we been out?" he asked, handing the cup back.

"Well, we don't have a clock but from my best guess I'd say almost twenty-four hours. You missed a day's worth of meals anyway."

At the mention of food, Bellamy felt how hungry he was. He and Clarke had been without food for more than four days now and he wondered how much of their extended convalescence was precisely because of this.

Bellamy swung his legs off the bed and stood on shaky legs, his eyes finally taking in the room.

It was large with a high ceiling, holding beds for probably twice their current number. Some were stacked on top of one another as bunks, others had been pushed together to make larger beds, and still others were strewn about as singles. In the farthest back corner, he could see a stack of unused mattresses and bedframes pushed against the wall as to be out of the way. The room was dim and once again he found himself wishing they had a way of knowing what time of day it was.

Off to his right was a large set of open doors, spilling a yellow glow into the room. There was a hallway beyond that and he found himself needing to know what was out there.

But first things first. Two beds down and one row over, he'd caught a glimpse of the blonde hair he'd been searching for.

Jasper trailed behind him but didn't try to stop him as he went to check on Clarke.

She looked peaceful, far more so than she ever was when she was awake. But she seemed so still that it made him nervous and he reached down to check her pulse, just to be sure. It was normal, as far as he could tell, so he let her be. They'd have time to discuss escape plans later. He'd let her get her rest while he scoped out their new living situation.

"Alright," he said, taking a step back from Clarke. He resisted the urge to tuck her hair out of her face and instead turned his attention to Jasper. "Give me the tour."

Jasper led him out of the sleep quarters and Bellamy quickly discovered that what he'd thought was a hallway was really just a stopping point between a doorway on the left and one on the right. To the left was a large communal bathroom with curtained showers and toilet stalls. Through the doorway to the right was a big room with long tables, a mixed assortment of unmatched chairs tucked around them. There was an alcove full of bookshelves and another with what looked like board games. The dull metal walls were covered with fabric, tapestries if he remembered correctly.

This is where most of the people were, sitting at tables with books or games before them, chattering good naturedly with one another and creating enough of a din that Bellamy could stand at the back of the room and just observe them for a moment.

How's Clarke?" Jasper asked, bringing Bellamy's attention back around. "I mean, before. While you guys were in the room, I guess. I got your message but they yanked us out of there before I ever found out if you guys were okay."

Bellamy shrugged. "Well I know she's pissed."

"I figured she would be."

"How are you not dead, by the way?"

Jasper laughed and rubbed the back of his neck with his hand. "By all means, I should be. I thought I was going to be. Anya…is a crazy person. Let me just tell you that."

"Well that fact that she didn't kill you gives her a few extra points in my book."

At the sound of Clarke's voice, both of them turned. Jasper's face broke into a huge grin as he threw his arms around her. She laughed a little at his enthusiasm, patting him on the back a bit awkwardly. Bellamy crossed his arms and watched the reunion, feeling a little of the weight on his heart lift to see that she could still smile after all. It wasn't entirely genuine but it was as close as it was going to get, he figured.

"Hey," she said, turning her eyes to his once Jasper had released her. "Feeling better?"

He smirked. "Can't keep me down for long."

She rolled her eyes but he could see that there was a little humor in them.

There reunion was interrupted by the sound of a bell dinging and they turned to see two large metal windows set into the left wall roll open, revealing a buffet of food. There seemed to be a mass exodus from the tables as kids formed a line at the buffet, taking big plastic trays and waiting their turns.

Several closer to the end recognized their leaders and a cheer rippled through those in attendance. To Bellamy it seemed as if the collective morale had gone up a tick or two just seeing him and Clarke up and moving around. He nodded to people, clasped them on the shoulder as they came by, and generally tried to keep a brave face despite knowing that they were all in a dire situation. Appearances were everything though, he knew this. So he tried to keep a positive face even though his insides were in knots.

He was so lost in this thought that he jumped when Clarke grabbed his elbow. She looked a little amused at having caught him off guard but she didn't comment on it as they moved a little closer to their first meal in days.

"Look, I just saw Raven over by the bookcases," she said. "She was walking. I have no idea how but she was. I'm going to go eat with her. But you should kind of make the rounds, get an idea of how people are handling this."

Bellamy raised an eyebrow and took a couple steps forward as the line moved. "Look Princess," he said. "I don't know when I gave you the impression that I was a grief counselor."

He looked over his shoulder to see her narrowing her eyes at him. He'd forgotten how much he appreciated that expression.

"You gave me the impression that you wanted to lead these people," she answered. "And right now I get the feeling that not everyone wants to leave as badly as we do. So we need to know who wants to stay and why and how we can get them to change their minds."

It was the first he'd heard of the idea that people might not want to leave. But when he thought about it for a moment, he kind of understood it. If they left, it was to run toward the wilderness. It was to run toward Grounders and increasingly cold weather and the uncertainty of when their next meal would be. And for the girls, it would be running away from medical care. With impending births to consider, he could understand why some of them would choose against leaving the Mountain.

And while he could see the logical reasons for wanting to stay, he still couldn't find it in himself to want it for himself. Or for Clarke.

Clarke.

He hadn't had an opportunity to think about the repercussions of what they'd learned. He was dreading the moment when he actually did.

But Clarke was currently looking at him expectantly, waiting for him to confirm that he would indeed test out people's reactions to their situation. He knew that he would do it but he didn't want her to think he was going soft on her. And there were appearances to keep up, after all.

"You expect me to just ask people? About their feelings?" he asked, stepping up to the window full of the most delicious food he'd ever seen in his life. Granted, at this point he'd have happily eaten his own boots and been thankful for it. But it really seemed like a feast before them and he started helping his plate, adding far more than he could probably eat.

"I don't care how you do it," she responded, filling her plate in the same manner that he was. "Bump chests or sniff butts or do secrets handshakes. However the hell you guys convey emotions. Just get that information."

He turned to her and was about to speak when she cut him off.

"And don't you dare tell me that I'd be better at it. Having breasts does not automatically make a person better at talking about feelings," she said, giving him a pointed look before leaving him and making her way to where Raven was sitting, her nose in a book.

He watched her go with a pang in his chest. If he were to be entirely honest with himself, the reason he didn't want to ask around about how their people were doing was because he'd rather be sitting with her for this meal. Just the distance of the room seemed too much after having spent as much time in close quarters as they had. He wasn't in the business of being honest with himself though so he shook it off and found a table populated almost exclusively by people sitting in pairs.

Clarke could feel his eyes on her back as she walked away. It wasn't as if she'd wanted to put space between them. She'd have rather stayed by his elbow the rest of the day. She was nervous and actively not thinking about what was happening to her, to them. Somewhere along the line, he'd become her touchstone when she was nervous. He kept her tethered. She felt that tether pull taut as she crossed the room, nodding to people along the way.

Raven happened to look up as she approached. The other girl's eyes lit up and she dropped her book down next to her tray. Clarke barely had time to put her own tray down before she was enveloped in another hug, this one a little more surprising than the last one had been.

"Clarke!" she exclaimed, drawing back. "God, we were starting to think you guys didn't make it after all."

Clarke ignored how that comment made her feel. A little proud at their ability to hold out against the Mountain for as long as they had and a little guilty that their friends had been worried.

"Look at you," Clarke said instead. "I honestly thought you'd never walk again, the way that bullet got you."

Raven smirked and turned, holding up the back of her shirt to show two neatly healing incision scars. "Took two titanium pins to put everything back together but I've got a good prognosis. Or so they say." She dropped her shirt and stepped around the table, taking her seat. "It's hell with the metal detector though."

"Metal detector?" Clarke asked, taking a seat across from Raven.

"You can't see it," Raven replied, gesturing vaguely to the doorway. "Imbedded in the doorframe. They don't want us hording silverware I guess. Not that I have any idea what they think we'd use it for. These forks are so dull that they're basically useless and what are we going to do with spoons? Dig a tunnel?"

Clarke smirked, deciding to keep her ideas for spoons to herself for the time being. She hadn't had a chance to check out the bathroom vents yet but she was still hopeful that her previous plan could be implemented here.

"Besides that, how are you?" Clarke asked. She looked down at her plate and decided to start with a fluffy, buttered roll. She pulled apart a piece of the bread and popped in into her mouth, almost moaning with the satisfaction of having any kind of food after being hungry for so long.

"You mean with this whole pregnancy bullshit?" Raven asked with a raised eyebrow. "I'm freaking having to pee every fifteen minutes and I can't stand the smell of cooked meat. You?"

Clarke shook her head. "That's not what I meant," she replied, though she couldn't help but be interested at the symptoms. She'd treated pregnant women with her mother plenty of times and hearing about their symptoms had become one of her favorite parts of the job. They varied so much between women that Clarke had never been sure if there was just one set of rules at play. "I mean, well. Are you okay? And who…uh…who…?"

Raven laughed. "Who's the baby-daddy?"

Clarke frowned. "Raven."

"Sperm-donor?"

"Really?"

Raven shook her head in amusement. "A kid named James. Billy James or something like that. You know the one who used to have spikey blond hair but it grew out and now it's all swishy?"

Clarke did know. She remembered pulling a bad splinter out of his hand after he'd waited and let it get infected. "How are you not going crazy right now?"

"I thought about it," she said, the mirth leaving her face a little. "Thought about going crazy. Thought about using one of those bed sheets and tying a noose. Get out of this once and for all. But then I realized I wasn't done yet. Not by a long shot."

"We're going to get out of here," Clarke said firmly. "And I'm going to need you in order to do that so you better be right. You better not be done."

Raven nodded decisively. "I'm not. I promise."

"Good," Clarke replied. She took another bite of bread and felt her stomach protest. What had been amazing with the first bite now seemed to be too much. She knew she would have to be careful after going so long between meals. It would be really easy to overload her stomach and make herself sick. She refused to believe there was any other reason for her nausea.

Raven was spinning a fork between her fingers as she leaned in closer to ask a question. "So. You know. How were…things…with Bellamy?"

Clarke shrugged and forced herself to swallow another bite of bread. "It was fine."

"Ha," Raven said with a raised eyebrow and Clarke could feel her cheeks turning pink against her will. "That good, huh? Boy's got skills, right?"

That comment caught her attention but Raven didn't seem to even look flustered. "Have you slept with Bellamy?"

Raven shrugged one shoulder, still twirling the fork. "Just once. I kind of used him. To get over Finn."

Clarke pursed her lips for a second, a feeling of unreasonable jealousy swirl though her guts. But then she reminded herself that she had no claim on him. And besides, they couldn't hold past behavior against one another. Not that it mattered. She had no claim on him. She had to repeat that in her mind a few times to make it feel true.

"I'm pretty sure we're supposed to dislike each other for sleeping with the same guys," Clarke ventured with an eyebrow raised.

Raven grinned. "Good thing I'm not in the habit of doing what I'm supposed to do, right?"

Clarke mirrored that grin. "You're right about that."

Raven laughed and picked her book back up while Clarke tried to force herself to eat some more. She managed the one roll but it looked like everything else on her plate was going to waste. She frowned, wishing that she could get her body to cooperate with her.

"Hey, so what's the general consensus," she finally asked, pushing her tray to the side. "Are people wanting to leave or are they…you know…okay with this?"

Raven sighed, turning the corner of the page and putting the book back down. "They're scared, Clarke. We're all scared. There are a few who absolutely want to stay. They seem to think that a ten week pregnancy is a small price to pay for food and security. Then there are a bunch who I think are just waiting for the signal, you know? Waiting for you and Bellamy to tell them what to do. Me personally? We gotta get the hell out of here before they string us up as living baby-making machines."

Clarke nodded. "Yeah, Bellamy and I kind of had the same feeling."

Raven pursed her lips. "Finn doesn't want to leave."

"Yeah, I got that impression," Clarke said, crossing her arms. "Any idea what that's about? Bellamy said he killed a guy trying to keep us from being brought in. So why stay?"

"Honestly," Raven replied, her face going dark. "I think it's the girl."

"What girl?"

"I guess he got paired up with a Mountain girl. Now he's going on about staying, raising his kid. As if they'd really let him do that."

Clarke frowned. That was Finn. "He falls too easy, doesn't he?"

Raven's jaw tensed.

Clarke shook her head. "Sorry."

"No. You're right," Raven said with a sigh, her shoulders sagging a little. "He's super idealistic. He's going to see it as his responsibility to stay, take care of the kid. Take care of the girl. I mean, that's his deal. He likes to be the caretaker. He likes to be needed."

Clarke nodded. That was Finn in a nutshell. And no one knew him better than Raven.

"Look," Clarke said. "We're going to figure this out. We're going to get everyone out that we can. But we can't make people leave that don't want to go."

"Which means either we leave Finn here," Raven said. "Or we give him a reason to leave."

Clarke nodded, her eyes sweeping the room, taking in all of their people. Some were laughing and teasing one another. Many were situated in couples and Clarke had no way of knowing which people had been together before the Mountain and which couples were a product of the situation they were in.

She caught a glimpse of Bellamy talking animatedly with Miller and Monroe at one of the tables. As if he'd somehow known she was watching him, he looked up and locked eyes with her. It was only for a second but she saw him quirk his eyebrow before going back to talking. He hadn't waved but he might as well have. They were keeping up appearances. If everyone else thought they were handling this well, maybe they all had a chance.

But when she turned back to Raven, it only took a simple grin on her part for Clarke to realize that appearances weren't going to be as easy to maintain as she'd hoped.

"I'm feeling trapped inside. But too afraid to cry. I'm living my own lie. And you know it."

The Material "Appearances"