"Up in Flames"
Lucawindmover
Chapter Eleven
"Listen"
In the morning, the lights came up very suddenly. This was apparently something that the others had become accustomed to but Clarke found it very jarring and she jerked awake with her heart pounding.
From the passers-by, they learned that breakfast usually followed about half an hour after the lights came up. She and Bellamy decided that he'd go get a shower while they had the time and she would track down Jasper. She was determined to get some information out of him about Anya.
She didn't like watching Bellamy walk away from her, heading toward the showers with a towel and change of clothes in hand. She didn't like him being out of her sight at all and if she was going to be honest with herself about it, the threat of Murphy or Anya wasn't the total reason for that feeling.
He must have known she was watching him because at the doorway he turned his head and smirked at her, over his shoulder. She rolled her eyes and shook her head, doing her best not to show him the smile that he'd caused. Her heart beat a little faster as she turned from him and she held on to that feeling for moment because it felt remarkably good and she had precious little to feel good about these days.
There seemed to be a lot of people heading for the showers, probably more people than what the showers could accommodate but that didn't seem to be slowing them down at all. Pushing against that flow of traffic, she managed to pin down Jasper toward the back of the room, over by the stacks of spare mattresses and bedframes. His eyes widened a little at the sight of her and then he immediately tried to cover up his surprise with his trade-marked grin. But Clarke knew Jasper well enough to know he was nervous, a little more than his usual level of nervous, and she felt her defenses go up.
"Hey Clarke!" Jasper called loudly, putting space between himself and the mattresses behind him as if that didn't make his odd behavior seem more obvious.
She frowned. "Hey, Jasper," she said. She stopped a few feet from him and crossed her arms. "I need to ask you a few things, okay?"
He nodded briskly, crossing his arms and then uncrossing them before deciding that he wanted to keep them crossed. If the situation hadn't been so serious, Clarke would have found his behavior humorous.
"I don't know if word has gone around or not but we're working on a way out of here," she said quietly, her eyes keeping track of anyone in the vicinity.
Jasper sighed, his shoulders sagging with relief. "Oh thank God. Yeah, us too."
Clarke felt her brow furrow. "What do you mean? Who is us?"
"Anya and me," he answered. "And Monty and Penelope. But we haven't had any kind of luck. Anya just wants to rush the guards, next time they come out of the maintenance door to check Raven. You know, when the metal detector goes off? I don't think she's gonna hold off much longer though. She's pretty pissed."
Clarke had to blink a few times while she tried to process everything Jasper had just revealed. "Where is Anya right now?"
Jasper pursed his lips for a moment, almost like he wasn't going to tell her. Or that he didn't want to. But in the end, he jerked his thumb over his shoulder toward the mattresses.
"We built a fort, kind of," he said when she raised an eyebrow at him.
"And you didn't think that would look a little suspicious?" she asked. "To the cameras?"
He threw his hands in the air. "Hey, we didn't have our All-Mighty leaders, alright? We were just doing what we could."
Clarke sighed and moved forward, clasping him on the shoulder. "I'm sorry, okay? There's just a lot to consider right now. We need to be mindful that everything we're doing now is being watched."
He nodded. "Yeah, okay. That makes sense."
She gestured toward their mattress fort. "Is she going to come out and talk to me or am I going to have to go in there?"
Jasper seemed to think about this for a moment before grimacing. "I'll see if she'll come out."
He disappeared behind the mattresses and Clarke could hear low voices conversing for a few minutes. She couldn't hear what they were actually saying but she could hear the tones and was a little surprised to hear Jasper holding his own against the grounder princess, as everyone had taken to calling her.
Clarke almost didn't recognize the girl who came around the side of the mattresses. With her war paint gone, her armor shed, and her hair down, she didn't look much older than any of the rest of them. She still had her tattoos but they didn't look as ominous now that the rest of her skin was clean. But she stalked forward with that same haughty stance. Her eyes were still as fierce and defensive as Clarke had remembered. This version of Anya might be cleaned up a little but one look at her revealed that she was no less wild.
"Anya," Clarke said with a nod of her head.
Anya nodded in return. "Clarke."
Jasper popped his head around the stack of mattresses. "Jasper?"
Both girls turned to look at him with similar exasperated expressions.
He nodded. "Yeah, okay. You guys got this. I'll just…go be, you know…somewhere else…" And with that he shooed himself off toward the mess hall.
"I hear you want to get out of here," Clarke started.
The grounder princess didn't answer. She just crossed her arms.
Clarke sighed. "We want out of here, too. We're working on a plan."
"I have a plan."
"Not a very good one."
Anya pursed her lips, refusing to agree or disagree. "I don't trust you."
Clarke nodded. "Yeah, that makes two of us."
They were both quiet for a moment, sizing each other up. Clarke had no idea how to get this woman to trust her. But she knew without a shadow of a doubt that having Anya at her back as an enemy was a bad idea.
"What's your deal with Jasper?" Clarke asked, jumping topics.
Anya's brow furrowed. "What do you mean?"
Clarke shrugged. "You're strong. You're not going to let some drug get the better of you. But here you are, same condition as the rest of us."
Anya raised an eyebrow but didn't answer.
"Did you want to get pregnant?" Clarke asked.
For the first time during their encounter, Anya looked away. "In my clan, when we hunt, we avoid the mother bear as often as we can. Do you know why that is?"
Clarke shook her head.
"It's because there is nothing as fierce on Earth as the mother bear, defending her cubs," she answered. "And so it is the same with my people."
"Now you're the mother bear," Clarke ventured.
Anya nodded. "And the one to be feared."
Clarke didn't know what to say to this. She waited, weighing Anya's words and thinking.
"If you're to be feared," Clarke started. "Why are you hiding in here?"
"Your people don't trust me."
Clarke laughed a little. "Can you blame them? You tried to kill them."
"And they also tried to kill me," Anya countered.
"You know what?" Clarke said, throwing her hands in the air, a gesture that caused Anya to flinch. "So we all have a past. And that doesn't matter anymore. What happened out there? Before? It doesn't matter. It's been wiped away. We are starting over in here. The stakes are different now. If we keep holding the past against one another none of us will be getting out of here."
Anya considered her words for a moment before responding. "You're right," she said. "No one has ever come back from the Mountain before."
Clarke frowned. "You mean they've taken your people before?"
Anya nodded. "But if I was to come back…"
"That would mean something to your people, right?" Clarke ventured. "Would it be enough for peace?"
"Probably not," Anya answered. "Not at first anyway. Peace…is not easy for my people. But if you were to help me get out of here…get back to them…"
"It would at least be a sign of good faith," Clarke answered.
Anya nodded.
Clarke sighed. "Alright. Well we might not trust each other but we have to work together. We can go our separate ways when we get out but getting out is the priority."
"You said you have a plan?"
Clarke nodded. "But I hope you can understand why I'm going to keep the details to myself for now."
"You're asking me to trust you."
"It's in both of our best interests if you do."
"So you say," Anya said, her jaw set firmly.
Clarke, tired of the arguing, slumped down on the edge of the closest bed. "Yeah," she replied. "So I say."
It was quiet for a while. Clarke could hear the bell sound in the mess hall, signaling that breakfast was waiting for them. Her stomach lurched and she couldn't decide if she was hungry or queasy. She chose hungry, figuring she'd just deal with the consequences later if she was wrong.
"What do you need me to do?" Anya finally asked.
Clarke's eyes met those of the grounder princess and for the first time, underneath everything else, Clarke really did see that fierce mother bear. The bear who would shield her cub, regardless of who she had to work with in order to protect that life.
"I need you to blend in with the others," Clarke said. "You're making yourself stand out, hiding over here. Go out there with Jasper. Talk to people, if you can. Just…don't make yourself look so obvious. If they think you're a problem…"
"They'll find a way to get rid of that problem," Anya finished.
"Exactly."
Anya nodded and stalked away toward the mess hall, causing stir of whispers in her wake as others noticed her presence for what must have been the first time in days. Clarke sighed and laid back on the bed, closing her eyes. She was tired again already and the day had barely started. She threw her arm over her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to make herself relax for a minute. Negotiating was hard work.
And apparently her morning wasn't going to get any easier.
"Clarke?"
She peeked out from under her arm to see a freshly-showered Finn walking toward her. She dropped her arm down next to her side but she didn't sit up as he approached.
"Hey Finn," she replied, trying not to look as ungrateful for his presence as she felt.
He turned and gestured behind him. "Am I nuts or did I just see Anya go that way?"
"That was her."
Finn sat down on the bed next to her, still toweling his hair dry. "That's weird," he said. "Your influence I take it?"
"Mmhmmm."
He was quiet for a minute and Clarke closed her eyes, trying to think of an excuse to get up and leave that didn't make her seem too abrupt. She finally decided breakfast was a good enough reason and she pushed herself up to standing.
"You going to breakfast?" he asked, joining her as she started walking around the closest row of beds.
"Yeah," she answered without slowing down or looking at him.
But Finn grabbed her elbow, pulling her back a step. "Hey," he said softly. "Clarke. Is everything okay?"
She turned and fixed him with an incredulous look. "No Finn. Nothing is okay right now."
"I mean with you and me," he said, gesturing between them. "Are we okay?"
Clarke sighed and removed his hand from her elbow gently. "We are about as okay as we can be I guess," she answered.
He seemed a little confused and Clarke didn't know how to explain it to him. There had been a time, a short time, where Finn could do no wrong in her eyes. He had been all hope and peace and comfort. But he'd lied to her. He'd broken the little piece of her heart that she'd been willing to give him. So no, they weren't okay. Not really. But it was such a trivial thing to be worried about right now, broken hearts and whatnot. There were lives at stake right now and she couldn't even take the time to worry about how she felt about…well….anything really. But particularly Finn.
"We're fine, Finn," she said finally, managing a small smile. It seemed to reassure him and she turned, running directly into Bellamy's chest. She hadn't even heard him come up behind her. Finn must have seen him coming but he had given her no indication.
"Careful there, Princess," Bellamy joked, grabbing her by the upper arms and steadying her.
Clarke batted his hands away and glared at him. "Why are you sneaking around like that? I swear, I'm getting you a bell," she mumbled, mostly to herself, before attempting to move around him.
But, similarly to how Finn had stopped her, he grabbed her elbow and she stopped. She watched as he gave Finn a sort of 'Get Lost' look. Finn frowned and shook his head but didn't say anything, stalking off toward the mess hall instead, throwing the occasional frustrated glance back over his shoulder.
Once he was out of sight, Clarke shook Bellamy's hand off. "You didn't have that," she said, unable to explain her sudden annoyance even to herself.
Bellamy shrugged. "It looked like he was bothering you," he replied.
Clarke rolled her eyes. "Okay, look. I don't need to be rescued and you don't need to protect me," she said, throwing her hands up. "I'm not your freaking sister."
The moment the words came out of her mouth, she regretted them. The look of hurt that flashed in his eyes was more effective at stealing her breath away than a punch to the gut. He covered that quickly with anger and turned on his heal, heading back toward their bunk. He flipped the sheet up roughly and sat on the edge of the bed, refusing to look at her.
Clarke sat next to him, gingerly, pulling her knees up to her chest and propping her heals up on the edge of the bedframe. Neither of them said anything for a long time. Clarke wasn't even sure where to start and he didn't seem like sharing his thoughts either.
"I didn't mean that," she said finally, propping her chin on her knees.
He huffed. "Which part?"
For the life of her, she couldn't even remember what words she'd even used. But it wasn't the words she was apologizing for anyway. It was the tone. And it was the things she'd said between the words.
"Honestly," she said. "I think Octavia is one of the luckiest girls on Earth to have someone in her life who cares like you do."
He took a deep breath and sighed, leaning forward to prop his elbows on his knees.
Clarke scooted a little closer to him and, on a whim, threw her arm around his shoulder. "You know, she's probably the best equipped out of all of us to be out there right now."
Bellamy laughed and shook his head.
"And she's got Lincoln," she continued. "Which I realize now probably isn't something that makes you feel better."
He smirked. "I actually feel kinda bad for him."
"Why?"
He shrugged. "Who do you think's gonna pull the arrow out of her leg?"
Clarke grimaced. "You're right. He's never going to hear the end of it, is he?"
"Nope," Bellamy replied. "Serves him right, though. Why'd he have to pick my sister?"
Clarke propped her chin up on his shoulder. "Maybe because you're the only one who has a sister?"
He rolled his eyes. "Isn't that just my luck?"
She laughed and squeezed his shoulder a little, trying to apologize for snapping. He seemed to get it because he turned those brown eyes to hers and they weren't hurting or angry anymore. There was more there than she could interpret but she understood at least that he was letting it go and that she should too.
Suddenly, it felt as if he were far too close. She noticed for the first time that his lips were within inches of hers, she could smell the soap on his skin and see that there were still water droplets in his hair. His eyes were searching hers and she had no idea what he was looking for, only that she desperately wanted him to find it. Her heart stopped in her chest as he glanced down toward her lips.
Two teenage boys shouting and snapping towels at one another broke the moment, running past in a blur that was enough to jolt Clarke out of whatever trance those brown eyes had put her in.
She slowly took her arm away from his shoulder and wrapped it around her knees instead.
"So," Bellamy said, apparently as determined not to worry about what had just occurred as she was. "What's with you this morning?"
"What do you mean?"
He shrugged and ran a hand through his still-damp hair. "You don't usually get annoyed so fast. It's a little early in the day for all that."
Clarke groaned and flopped backwards on the bed with her eyes closed, her head almost hitting the wall behind her. "I talked to Anya."
"And it didn't go well?"
She sighed. "I don't know. I guess it went as well as to be expected, all things considering. But she had me a little worked up, on edge. And so when Finn came over…I just let him get under my skin I guess. I shouldn't have. He didn't even do anything."
"He doesn't have to," Bellamy replied. "All he has to do is be breathing sometimes."
Clarke snickered. It wasn't really true. She didn't really feel that way about Finn. Maybe Bellamy did but she didn't. Usually.
"Would this be a symptom?" Bellamy ventured. "You being…kind of…"
"I swear to God if you say the word hormonal, we're going to have issues."
He laughed. "How would you describe it then?"
She opened her eyes and caught him smirking down at her.
Pushing herself up and off the bed, she stood, deciding she'd had enough talk about feelings and symptoms. "I'm going to go with anxious," she said, lifting her chin a bit as she said it. "I'm ready to get this plan underway. Let's go eat."
She held her hand out to pull him, knowing he didn't really need it. He took it and humored her and she tugged him toward the mess hall. Once she was sure he wasn't going to argue, she dropped his hand. Immediately, that loss of connection to him formed a knot in her throat. One look over her shoulder to see him only a step away eased that a little and she smiled despite herself.
"It's not your eyes. It's not what you say. It's not your laughter that gives you away. You're just lonely. You've been lonely, too long."
The Civil Wars "Dust to Dust"